Friday, August 29, 2008

What About Ben?

By StalkingEA

Here we are, a little more than a month from the start of training camp, and there is still no resolution in sight for Ben Gordon. In case you've been under a rock this off-season, Ben is a restricted free agent, which means the Bulls have the right to match any tender offer that another team signs him to. No other teams have offered him a contract.

Gordon wants to be the highest-paid Bull, since he is the led the Bulls in scoring over the last three seasons. That would put him in the $13 million range. The Bulls have $8 million in cap space, and have offered him a 1 year qualifying offer of about $6.4 million, which he won't even consider.

So now what? Ben is obviously not happy with the way the Bulls are handling this, but what leverage does he have? Does he go play in Europe, like Josh Childress did? OK, but that might help the Bulls by clearing part of the log jam at guard, and keeping some cap space free. Does he sit out a season? Not likely, as that would lower what he could get in a contract in the highly competitive NBA. Do the Bulls work out a sign and trade? Now you're talking!

OK, so they sign Ben to a contract he's happy with and then trade him to a team that can afford to pay him. Great! But wait, there's a reason that hasn't happened yet. Who's going to take him and give the Bulls some value in return? Memphis can afford to pay Ben, but what do they have that the Bulls want? Marc Gasol? Not gonna happen. On to the next possibility:

Andrei Kirilenko is Utah's most logical bargaining chip, and Chicago might be interested in him, although he plays a lot like Deng and Nocioni. It's possible the Bulls might feel they were duplicating talent by adding Kirilenko.

This is a pretty interesting article. The writer goes on to say that both teams would probably have to add more pieces to make a deal work, but I don't think the Bulls want to get into a major trade here. Besides, he's right, AK-47 plays the same position as Deng and Nocioni, and Coach Vinny already has a juggling act at guard.

What the Bulls need is to find a team with a big man, a center. The problem is, they just aren't out there. Zach Randolph is available from the Knicks, but his contract is enormous and he doesn't play defense. The previously mentioned Grizzlies have Darko Milicic, but they'd have to package more with him. I just don't see any deals out there that the Bulls would make.

I see Gordon signing maybe a 2 or 3 year deal for around $7.5 - 8 million per, just because he doesn't have another option. This will be a significant raise, but not enough to keep him happy. Look for the Bulls to then try to trade him during the season, when some other team realizes they need a scoring punch. I like Ben, he's been a quality player for the Bulls. I just wish there was a good way to keep him happy. I'll root for him as long as he plays here, and I'll wish him well if he goes. Just not if he plays against the Bulls.

BallHype: hype it up!

Do Yourself A Favor: Fill Up Your Gas Tanks ASAP

If you enjoyed paying $4.20 in the suburbs, and close to $5 a gallon in the city, go ahead and wait til Wednesday when Hurricane Gustav fucks up most of the US refineries to fill up your car. If you perfer to pay $3.85/$4.40-50, then my prescription for you today other then get drunk is fill up your gas tank as soon as you get the chance. It looks as though Gustav will get to around a category 3 or 4 when it makes landfall, and while there will be a spike in gas prices, I just watched a report on CNN Money that says the oil rigs in the Gulf are now better prepared to handle stronger winds then before. Even still, I'm saving you some money so trust me!

In other programming notes, Noce will have a preview in the case of Sox v. Sox, and I'll follow that up with your usual weekend send off.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The MLB Is Starting To Catch Onto This Whole Blogging Thing

The MLB is unveiling their new postseason ad campaign today, notes Tim Arango of the NY Times.

One of the first commercials aired? The Lovable Losers' 100 years of ineptitude boiled down to 30 seconds. Look, Cubs fans! More about your personal anguish that you didn't already know! The MLB is not fooling around with one of sports' biggest fan bases and the story lines unfolding, as Bud Selig and cronies dish out $65 million for this year, the largest amount spent ads thus far in MLB history.

I guess with the nightmare that both the Red Sox and the Yankees potentially not in the playoffs, the MLB better start hyping what they got up right away.

And to whom are they hyping October baseball? Why, those pesky bloggers!:

This year M.L.B. and its playoff and World Series broadcast partners, Fox and TBS, decided to showcase a different aspect of life on the Internet: blogging, which will be a common thread in the 20 or so advertisements.

“Blogging is kind of the high currency in the interactive space right now" said Tim Brosnan, the league’s executive vice president for business.”

Ok, so let's start off with the good news: NO MORE DANE COOK!

{starts the happy dance}

And the bad news? Lots and Lots of Frank Caliendo, Bill Engvall, and other Fox/TBS stars.

{sits back down, smile quickly fades}

The MLB will be the first of the major sports to tailor specifically to the growing blogfrica sphere, and I think it will be interesting to see what David Stern and Roger Goodell do in the coming future with their advertising. I would imagine the NBA stepping up to do something similar to the MLB before the NFL would. Goodell could get Gilbert Godfried in a rat suit and say playoffs start Saturday, and the ad would probably be considered a classic.

The ad campaign in my opinion sounds pretty interesting, as they will fit the ads to what happens in September.

Way to go, MLB! Thanks for acknowledging us out on your lawn. I can't wait to blog about your blogging commercials while sipping hot coco in mom's basement.

BallHype: hype it up!

Danger John Danks! Danger!

After watching John Danks last night struggle to hit 91 on the gun last night while throwing the ball anywhere other then A.J. wanted, my personal Sox terror level elevated somewhere to in between guarded and elevated.

With his 27th game started last night (one more then last year), the big concern that popped into my head was this: is Danks starting wear down? Mark Gonzalez apparently was thinking the same after the game and asked Danks the same thing:

"Danks insisted his left arm feels fine after throwing a professional-high 1602/3 innings..."My breaking stuff wasn't there. It just wasn't there. My changeup was up. I was just flat-out bad."

I would believe him at this point; everyone has off nights. But to play Devil's advocate do you really think he would admit to having a tired arm to a beat writer? Yeah Mark, my arm is complete jello right now. I've been working with Coop on how to throw a vaseline ball just like Harris in Major League. I've been wiping my nose but apparently that's not going to work.

The same can be wondered at this point for Gavin Floyd as well. Floyd has also pitched 160 innings to this point, but with far less innings pitched in a season then Danks (70 IP last yr). Despite going 3-0 for August, his ERA over the month (4.97) was a run higher then his previous high water mark this year.

Danks and Floyd have combined for a 24-13 record on the year with a combined ERA of 3.50 which is far beyond I would have imagined heading into the season at this point as well as many other Sox fans I assume as well. But with 5 weeks left in the season, and 5 more starts for each pitcher, their great accomplishments this year will not be remembered if they start to wear down with the "Piranyas" nipping at the Sox heels.

The Sox need Danks and Floyd now more then ever to keep the breathing room they have on not only the Twins, but the Red Sox and Rays for a playoff birth. Let's hope there's still enough fuel in the tank for these two keep it going. The Sox certainly don't need more Clayton Richard's up here running around.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tight Pennant Race? More Booze For Ozzie, Please

I can identify with Ozzie Guillen for many reasons other then just being the manager of the White Sox. He likes to speak his mind, and does so with lots of profanity just like me...Hmm, on the other hand Ozzie is Venezulean, married, has kids, played in the majors and makes millions. I'm white, single, no kids (that I know of), played little league and make thousands. Maybe that's the only thing. Oh wait, we also share the need to kick back with a copious amount of booze to unwind from a stressful day at work.

Whether it's fitting in with others:
"I am their friend. If they don't buy me a beer, they disrespect me."

Making a decision on tough issues:
"I don't know," Guillen said. "I need to get drunk and think about it."

Or celebrating:
"The only thing I remember is the base hit [Alexei] Ramirez got yesterday to right field to win the game," Guillen said of the Sox' thrilling victory Sunday over the Tampa Bay Rays -- the AL East's new first-place team. "There was a lot of vodka between that game and today, believe me."

Ozzie and Dr. C agree that there's nothing like a good stiff drink. But what I'm being to wonder:

Do you think Ozzie has ever been drunk while coaching? Baseball would be the easiest sport to get hammered and not really have anyone notice. You've got 9 innings to sober if you get drunk before hand, and with a couple mints you'd be good to go for postgame interviews.

And besides, Ozzie's so fucking crazy who would even be able to tell if was half in the bag?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Weekend Send-Off: New Metallica

I'm literally counting down the days to September 12th when Death Magnetic hits the stores. This is the new single called "The Day That Never Comes" and it just came out today. The quality is kinda shitty, but if you want the good version, here's a link I have a feeling it will be better then everything since the Black album, but they'll never be 80's Metallica again. They don't know those drunk kids anymore.

ADDED BONUS: Noce wanted some CCR, and since I'm a nice guy I decided to throw it in for him.

"How about a Gene pick?"

Gene's trash!

"I'm Gene."

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Bears vs. Themselves vs. 49ers Tonight

I have to be honest, I haven't been paying much attention to the Bears this year. And I've been a whole lot happier because of it.

I have probably watched 10 minutes of Bear football this year and I think in those 10 minutes I uttered somewhere around 75 "fucks!", "assholes!", "holy shits!" and "what the fuck are you doing you fucking assholes?".

I just cannot comprehend some of the decisions that the coaches make on a play-by-play basis - and this is pretty much just talking about the offensive side of the ball.

I understand that getting upset about the Bears' offense is about as productive as an Apple II, but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the idea that it's ok for a PROFESSIONAL NFL OFFENSE to suck more balls than John Amaechi. It's like we're hypnotized to believe that the offense can produce jack shit and if the team wins, everything is fine.

I guess I shouldn't expect much from the Bears fanbase when it comes to football knowlege and realistic expectations. Hell, at least half of the fan base accounts for Cubs fans and we all know how smart and professional they are up in Wrigleyville.

I'm not totally absolving the Bears fans who support the Sox either, because we know they have had their fair share of incidents as well (I was actually at that game). Sox fans have managed to at least appear informed about their team though, something that seems to elude those Old Style swilling yuppies on the North side.

Regardless of the baseball allegiances, there is one NFL team in Chicago and it's fucking unbelievable that we fans allow them to march out guys who wouldn't make the practice squads on some NFL teams and think it's okay for a QB rating of 75.2. These guys are supposed to be pros people!

If anyone has the opportunity - go down to Indianapolis and watch how they operate. Think their fans go into the stadium talking about how their key is to win the battle for "field position"? Fuck no. Think Colts fans are excited when the team gets their first 1st down in the waning minutes of the 2nd quarter? Think that has even happened since Peyton Manning took over? (I really don't know so if you wanna look that up - be my guest, but I'd put money on no)

Granted they have a HOF quarterback in Manning but they still have players around him that compete at an NFL level day-in and day-out, which is something the Bears simply cannot say. Digging up old has-beens and never-weres off the scrap heap (Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd) and trotting out an offensive line with more holes than Augusta National doesn't cut it Lovie.

And if it's not Lovie's fault (he is supposed to be a defensive guy after all) then what the fuck is Ron Turner still doing with a job? This guy has been as bad or worse than the guy whose favorite 3rd down play was the draw (see: John Shoop). Not only that, every year we have to hear about how Turner is "installing his system", which immediately makes me think of a panda bear taking a gigantic dump on a pack of fire ants.

I would like to challenge any Bears beat writer to sit next to Turner in the booth and just take notes of what he does during the games. I'm willing to bet that half the time he spends "calling plays" is really just him playing Battleship against himself.

God, I fucking hate Ron Turner.

See - even thinking about the Bears makes me angry. What the hell was this post about again? Oh yea - fucking stupid Bears and their shitty offense. I hope the whole offense (minus Kreutz - I can't stay mad at him) gets lost on the way to the game tonight and they're forced to play the defensive players on offense (there will be no difference) just to see what happens.

The Sox better make the damn playoffs because I'm going to need something to keep me from poking out my own eyes in a fit of rage.

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags

It has been far too long since we delved into the immense stupidity that resides within's commenting world. The problem that myself and Noce run into is it's hard to find some of these special specimens of jackassery that deserved to be examined and explained. There's plenty of your regular run of the mill douches, but they're not worthy of my time. Look at their profile, say douche, and move on. For those of you new to this bit, it's pretty simple. Find an ESPN member who is a band-waggoning fuckface and let him/her have it. I have been semi-actively searching for someone who I could lay into recently, and this morning I stumbled today's participant/contestant/laborer: Wesley Collins

As you can see, ESPN has changed up the format of their commenter MySpace page since we last lit into the tools. I think the new set-up sucks. Oh well. If you were to ask me to picture a 44-year old male living south of Pittsburgh who works in the Transportation industry, you could not have painted a better picture here. Wesley is the type of guy who:

- Appeals to the makers of Vault soda as their target market
- Tries to get pussy at the local bowling alley
- Has been to at least 7 Ronnie James Dio concerts
- Once declared Ron Tugnutt as the only guy he'd be cool with if he slept with his ex-wife
- Once did a line of coke at 2:30 at a Denny's while waiting for his Moons Over My Hammy

Let's take a look at Wesley's teams he backs: Pirates, Cubs, Mets Steelers, Celtics, Penguins, Bruins, Red Sox, Michigan, Pitt, USC, Orioles

As usual, I will not hold all his area teams against him. But are you fucking serious you coked-out tire lifter? USC? UNIVERSITY OF SUCK COCK FOR COKE? Ok, I'll give you that Vincent Vega. Michigan? Fuck yourself in the face with a glowing hot aluminum bat. Every Boston minus the Pats? Grab a box cutter and cut your taint open. The Cubs, Mets, and Orioles? I pity your existance as a human being.

For his one liner at the top of the page? "Want to be heard? say nothing"

Or in Wesley's case, grab a pair of bono shades at moms house and give a look to the camera like you do to those 7th graders at the arcade when you tell him them you don't care if you lost, you're playing again.

Wesley's greatest sports moment? A bunch of broken fucking sentences that he wrote after his latest 8-ball.

In closing, ESPN Members have a chance to tell you what they're thinking. Anything they want. With this opportunity, Wesley informs us:

college football ,it doesnt get any better than that,pitt will make noise,penn st. there all in jail.GA.,OHIO ST.,LSU,TEXAS,USC,CLEMSON,WILL RATTLE THE CAGES THIS YR.............LAST ONE WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF INJURIES WILL BE THE KINGSwe all know when the yankees loose its a good day in america.

Will rattle the cages this yr? What in the fucking name of thought process and conversation did you huff upon typing this slanderous pig latin? Sure, I too like it when the yankees loose. But there is no good day in America with you out on the roads of your transporation job, Wesley. You fucking Pennsylvania male Amy Winehouse.

BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Previewing The NFC North: This Could Be A Long Season For Los Osos

For the past three seasons, it's been nice knowing that going into the upcoming season, the Bears should be pretty damn good, and that it should be a good year. The roller coaster it appears however, has finally peaked. The pendulum swings back into horrific once again as we witnessed a team that went to the Super Bowl just two years ago finish below .500 last year. This is not an apparition akin to the 2007 White Sox. No, this seems to be much worse. The settled but yet malevolent quarterback situation which has lasted many years, the defense getting older and looking like it, the receiving corp which couldn't compete for a SICA West title, and worse of all...the freshmen B-team offensive line going up against varsity. Slaughter. So bad that Fred Miller and Ruben Brown are getting more calls from Ron Turner then Lindsay Lohan is getting from GLADD to join next year's parade in Boys Town.

Yes, that bad.

So with that in mind, I unveil my predictions for the 2008 final standings of the NFC North.

1. FUDGEPACKERS (11-5) Now that he who shall not be named because I'm fucking sick of him is gone, it will be the Aaron Rodgers show in Green Bay. And you know what? I really feel bad for the guy. He didn't bitch about playing time, didn't bitch about backing up arguably the best quarterback in the history of the game. He kept his mouth shut, put on a PR performance worthy of an award and waited patiently for a chance. As soon as he got the pay off, the fucking cheeseheads blame him for it, and have their 6 year olds telling him he sucks. Lovely fan base.

From what Rodgers has shown, a 13-3 team from last year will still be set offensively, and their defense is very good (though their corners are getting old). I would expect Rodgers to lose them a couple games due to his inexperience and the rigors of a playing a full season, but they're still the team to beat. With their hardest games of the year at home (Dallas week 3, Indy week 7), the rest of their schedule isn't bad.

2. VIQUEENS (10-6) Hey, Dr. Z. Yeah, you ya old penis-headed fuck. I normally fuck up many a prediction, but you my friend have taken the cake. Seriously? The Viqueens for the Super Bowl? Can't wait for you to fuck this one up. Are they a Super Bowl caliber defense. Absolutely. Just because they beat the Giants last 41-17 doesn't mean shit. The Giants were only down one when Elisha threw a pick 6 to choke. Tavaris Jackson straight up sucks, and is the equivalent of Kyle Orton with some scramble (and less Jack Daniels in his veins). If they were to lose Adrian Peterson to serious injury, they're a .500 team. They're defense is good enough to give them a few get me bys, which to me reeks of Wild Card birth, and out. Have a nice season fuckfaces.

3. BEARS (6-10) I was leaning toward 5-11, but what the hell I'm feeling generous. As I listed in my intro, I'll bullet out who sucks the most.

- The Offensive Line
- Dr. Jerkyl and Dr. Jerkyl (Rex and Orton)
- Trumaine McBride (Get Fucked, burn victim)
- The Receivers
- Roberto Garza (you get your own bullet, amigo)
- Defense
- Brad Maynard

Do I really need to say more? 6 wins, and we'll all be back to Bulls Basketball (except Noce who will be glued to every sweat gland that Nocioni has from the end of October on).

LIONS: 5-11 I think this picture is worth my 1,000 words:

Monday, August 18, 2008

It's Official: The 'Beard Is Our Quarterback

Chicago Tribune Bears beat writer Vaughn McClure has just Blackberry'd the news that Kyle Orton will be the starter for the first game of the season on Sunday night when the Bears head to Indianapolis to face the Manningless Colts.

It appears that Orton didn't win the job with his play as much as Grossman just looked inept out there in his two preseason performances thus far. Here's the breakdown in numbers from writer Larry Mayer:

Orton slightly outperformed Grossman in two preseason games, compiling a better completion percentage (63.2-56.5), yards per attempt average (5.21-5.13) and passer rating (76.4-66.9) while connecting on 12 of 19 passes for 99 yards. Grossman has completed 13 of 23 passes for 118 yards.

Effciency. That's what it's going to come down to with what could quite possibly the shittiest offensive line in the NFL. Orton may be more tentative so far, but he's moving the ball, and that's all the Bears can ask at this point.

The Rex Grossman era has officially concluded in Chicago. What was your favorite moment?

Oh, and if you're wondering, the facebook group titled "Start Caleb Hanie Committee" is already over 100 members strong.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Thanks For Winning, Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass On Your Way Out

Did anyone else flash back to Office Space like I just did when I heard the news about Lance Broadway being sent back down to AAA after getting the win yesterday?

Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Michael Bolton: Yeah well if you keep that up your ass is going be fired.

That's right. Clayton Richard (0-2, 10.38 ERA, 2.23 WHIP) appears to be heading back for an encore on the South Side despite doing his best not earn the promotion (at least for now).

Broadway's numbers from yesterday? 5.1 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 1 K, 1.24 WHIP). In Richard's three starts, he has:

A. Not gotten past the 5th inning.
B. Not given up less then 4 earned.
C. Given up at least 7 hits.

Broadway did better then him in all three of the listed Alpha above.

"He did a good job, a tremendous job," Guillen said. "Better than we expected. He threw strikes. He came up big in tough situations. He ate up innings. He got the win. What could be better than that? I think this game was big, and he stepped it up and did his job."

So why is he leaving?

"Right now we're in a situation where I have a problem with the bullpen the next few days," Guillen said.

So to correct this problem, you get the worst fucking arm possible? Richard would not be up here if Boonie was so fucked in the head right now, and I would have to believe that Richard will be sent back to Charlotte after the 3 games series to bring Broadway back for what would be his next on Tuesday in Seattle.

Let's hope so. Because this move makes about as much as sense as promoting Peter Gibbons for his fine work.

Back up in your ass with the resurrection.

BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

For Some Reason, The 08-09 Blackhawks Slogan Bothers Me

One Goal.

Granted, I think it's pretty good. It's a statement that shows management is finally committed to returning Lord Stanley's cup to where it belongs. With everything that Rocky Wirtz and John McDonough have been doing, it's very fitting. My problem lays within the new radio ad campaign I've been hearing 670 the Score. It goes something like this with the voices of Johnny Toews and Adam Burrish:

"I want to score so many goals this year, the crowd needs sunlights. So many goals, that the light burns out..."

I think you catch my drift. So what do you follow all of that talk up with? Blackhawks hockey. One goal.

I just fucking heard a myriad of goal statements, but all they're going to score in their fucking home opener on Monday, Oct. 13th is one goal?

How about the talk of what that one fucking goal is? Hoisting the trophy for first time since '61?

Your casual 'Hawks fan (and I use the word casual very lightly here) still doesn't know the team, or give a shit about this mostly forgotten franchise. I know there's more buzz about the team for this upcoming season then there has been '93, but please, for the love of fuck start thinking about how your putting this slogan together.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The 2008 Nickname Olympics

In the spirit of the 29th Summer Olympiad, I have decided to award medals to athletes based not on their ability, performance or difficulty, but rather on a more indefinable characteristic: their nicknames.

And in an effort to be non-discriminant, we're including athletes from all sports, not just those lucky enough to be named as 'Olympic sports'.

When it comes to nicknames, the possibilities are basically endless. Nicknames can be based on anything from physical characteristics (El Gordo) to stupid announcer epithets (Big Bad Bobby Jenks) .

If you've ever sat through a White Sox television broadcast (I not only feel your pain), you've definitely heard good ole' boy Ken Harrleson's numerous nicknames for everyone from White Sox players to the hot dog vendors and of course his #1 best manfriend: Carl 'Yaz' Yastrzemski.

The awards for the best nicknames will be determined by the appropriateness of the nickname in relation to the athlete, overall badassness of the name, and/or if it's funny enough to make me laugh out loud. We will award gold, silver and bronze medals to multiple nicknames depending on the sport.
Since there are thousands of nicknames for athletes out there I decided to pick two for each medal and then some honorable mentions just for good measure. Don't like it? Get your own fuckin' blog you pukes.


Honorable Mentions:
  • 'Broadway' Joe Namath - Gets credit for the mustache alone, the man did once receive $10,000 to shave it for a Remington razor commercial. Also guaranteed a Super Bowl and actually delivered (here's looking at you Matt Hasselbeck). Namath was also a fucking great quarterback who was the 1st QB to throw for 4,000 yards in a 14 game season. Hall of Fame coach Bill Walsh stated that Namath was "the most beautiful, accurate, stylish passer with the quickest release I've ever seen." Finally, without Joe's crazy Italian swagger and olive oily charm, there wouldn't be a need for a pretty funny and popular blog named after one of his infamous antics.

  • Julius 'Dr. J' Irving - Star of the ABA and one of the pioneers of the 'above the rim' style of play, Dr. J earned the nickname in high school for his precise method of play. I'm sure he also played 'doctor' with somewhere around 512 young co-eds.

Bronze Medal Winners:

  • Curtis 'Cujo' Joseph - A pretty damn good goalie in his day, Cujo derived his nickname from the 1st two letters of his first and last name and paired them with the vicious dog from the Steven King novel. Little does anyone know, Cujo's real name was Curtis Munro, changed to Joseph in 1989. Cumu just doesn't have quite the same ring to it does it? It certainly wouldn't have made him able to wear such a badass goalie mask.

  • 'Shoeless' Joe Jackson - It just wouldn't be a Chicago Bull post without something about the White Sox would it? (Just wait for more down below it gets better). According to Jackson, he got his nickname during a game against the Brandon Mill team. Jackson suffered from a blister on his foot from a new pair of cleats. They hurt so much that he had to take his shoes off before an at bat. Once he was on base, a fan started yelling inappropriate and vulgar comments at him. One of the things Jackson was called was a "Shoeless son of a gun." The name stuck with him throughout the remainder of his life. (Thanks Wikipedia!)[9]

Silver Medal Winners:

  • Wayne 'The Great One' Gretzky - The man was so good, after he retired he was immediately inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame. Back when hockey was cool and before a young man by the name of Eldrick Woods ever picked up a golf club, Gretzky was the best player in sports, and that's including MJ.

  • Walter 'Sweetness' Payton - Look, us Bears fans rarely have anything to cheer about ok? So when a player like Sweetness comes around and fucking dominates everyone with his prolific 'stutter-step' move and his amazing speed, we sure as shit are going to give him an awesome nickname. The name also has to do with Walter Payton the man - even though it could just as easily be used to describe his play - because Payton was such an inspiring person on and off the field. It's a shame that many people our age never got to see him play, and I always look for the old-timers at Bears games wearing the #34 amongst the sea of #54 and #91.
Gold Medal Winners:
  • Ted 'Teddy Ballgame' Williams - As much as it pains me to give any credit to a Boston player, Teddy Ballgame is my favorite nickname in all of sports and the reason why I sat down at my office today to write this post. Arguably the best left-handed hitter ever, Williams literally wrote the book on how to hit a baseball. In 1941, he entered the last day of the season with a batting average of .399. This would have been rounded up to .400, making him the first man to hit .400 since Bill Terry in 1930.

    Manager Joe Cronin left the decision whether to play up to him. Williams opted to play in both games of the day's doubleheader and risk losing his record. He got 6 hits in 8 at bats, raising his season average to .406. Williams also hit .400 in 1952 and .407 in 1953, both partial seasons; nobody has hit over .400 in a season since Williams.

  • Pete 'Charlie Hustle' Rose - All cheating scandals aside, the motherfucker sure could play baseball. And play it he did. Rose played the game mean, running spikes-up into 2nd basemen to break up double plays, charging over catchers at home and rubbing dirt on every wound. Rose's nickname, "Charlie Hustle", was given to him for his play beyond the "call of duty" while on the field.

    Even when being walked, Rose would sprint to first base, instead of the traditional trot to the base. Rose was known for sliding headfirst into a base, his signature move. This method is now used almost exclusively by stealing base runners today, and has been ever since the late 70's. There's also that 44-game hitting streak that is still the longest ever in the National League.

BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, August 11, 2008

In Gload We Trust

Apparently this play happened last week, but a co-worker just told about this play last week that Ross Gload made. In comes in at the 40 second mark, but do watch the opening story of the lady who trips one of two burgulars running out of a store. That's pretty funny, but the heads up play that Gload makes is awesome. I don't think I've ever seen a ball roll along the tops of a fence until now.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Weekend Sendoff

This Weekend Sendoff is brought to you by The Doors and the song Peace Frog because not only is it a perfect song to kickoff a Friday happy hour, Jim Morrison proclaims in it that there's "blood on the streets in the town of Chicago".

With the fucking god awful cock-sucking Bahston Red Sawx in town against the White Sox and the St. Louis Drunk Drivers facing the Lovable Losers, there is sure to be a few drunken altercations in and around the respective stadiums. I'd attempt a gay joke about Cubs fans but lately they've stepped it up from their usual slap-fights and have taken to hospitalizing motherfuckers so give them a hand, and give that Sox fan back his eye for fuck's sake.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

50,000 And Counting...

As of 5pm today, Chicago Bull has now reached 50,000 people and counting. We'd like to thank everyone who has ever given us a link, or answered questions when we first started this thing last September. It's been alot of fun to do and even if we get lazy and don't post for a day or two, we try to post something worth your time when we do. That said, we'd like to specifically thank the following:

- Jennifer Walcott, who drives more everyday traffic in then any other picture we've ever posted
- Long Wang's parents, who were cruel enough to name their own child Long nowing what their last name was anyways.
- West Coast Kid from FanIQ for helping us from the first question we asked
- Doug Sheckler for his help as well.
- MBSR for A: inspiring us to be complete pieces of shit that lead to us being the target of hatred from some cleft lip activists for a month (seriously, sorry you people took offense to me making a joke you sensitive about needing a stiff upper lip...ouch) and B: making us laugh our asses off.

Finally, thanks to all of you reading Chicago Bull. We hope you continue to come by while I call Juan Uribe a piece of shit and think of ways to describe how awful Trumaine McBride is.

PS: Thank you Juan for playing a great 3rd base recently. No I'm actually being honest, you're out of my dog house for right now, enjoy it while you can.


Alright...I really want to watch the Sox right now even though they're losing 4-1 in the bottom of the fourth (but no outs so far). For everyone who was following along, thanks for participating (I'm looking at you Noce, you were a savior for a little bit). If you were actually drinking and are now pissed Im not posting, go fuck yourself, you have the rules.


And were underway! If you're following along, you can comment. We don't mind, call me a fuckface, whatever, just start your drinking.

Alright, sorry this was part of a limited selection of pictures on my computer. I didn't feel like running around Google images. So far, 3 and 3, Croyle boot legged on two bears defenders in the background, first down, and then a throw to the tight end for a first down...PEANUT SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT PICK!

Briggs gets his ankles broken on a short pass to Jamaal Charles, and Larry Johnson has huge holes to work with for his first few carries.

Good pressure from Mark Anderson forced the Croyle incomplete pass. No drinking as of yet, but I'm sure with Orton coming up that won't be long. Time-out called, 10 plays run so far off the opening drive.

Didnt see the first down, but a nice play by AB coming off the end to stop LJ for a 6 yard loss. 3 and 15. MOTHERFUCK! Fucking cover 2 was wide open where it should have been 15 yards down the sideline, Chiefs are first and goal.

Johnson fumbles, but recovers, second and goal. Flag on the play...holding OFFENSE, #65..10 yard penalty, repeat second down.

Aaaand were off to a great start. 3rd and 5, the defensive waaaay over pur-fucking-sue and Larry Johnson runs right up the middle untouched until he's in for 6.


I don't feel like waiting. Fuck this, I'm opening the first Miller Lite.

Orton claims "he's playing the best football of his life during this training camp". We'll see. First pass is complete for 3 yards on a little dump off to Forte. Forte's first NFL carry is for a first down! 1 and 10...same play, not so much.

Orton finds Daivs, he's 2 for 2 so far. Were 3 minutes from the end of the third, and so far, NO FUCKING DRINKING! Ooooh someone's going to die tonight. Yeah, of fucking dehydration.


Oh wait, that was third down? Damn. Oh well. Fuck it, it's the preseason. Doesn't look the Bears front D is doing much. Nice help from Brandon McGowan. 3rd and 22, Croyle completes but its well short. Flag is for holding, 4th down.

Hester's out to return, and predictably doesn't get a chance to do anything with it. Get used to it people, nobody in their right fucking mind is going to kick to him at any time this year. And flag is down thanks to dumbfuck McGowan for an illegal block.

If I really wanted people to get fucked up, I would have made penalties a drinking category. Things to remember for the upcoming season.


Forte was stopped right away, and that's a 1 yard gain in my book, but I'm taking the 2 drinks anyways. Orton to Forte for a first down. Hey Jack fucking Daniels, you do have receivers. There's not 10 people blocking.

He's way too tentative right now (Orton). He's going through his progressions, but not giving them any time to separate. Forte so far has looked pretty good: good hands, a burst through the hole. 3rd and 8.


I think Orton will be done for the day if Lovie wants to keep it to the first half for Orton and Grossman. If that's the case, Orton lets Grossman have the chance to shine. He had one decent pass to Davis, everything else was dink-dunk.

Jamaal Charles is quickly learning that his 4.3 40 is not going to do much in the NFL when you go east/west instead of north/south. Chiefs go 3 and out, Damon Huard is now in for the Chiefs.

FUCKING SPECIAL TEAMS! 15 yarder on Forte. Go get me another beer, rook.

Orton is back out there...there you go Orton. 16 yards on a curl to Hester. A hand off to McKie? EVERYONE DRINK FOR RON TURNER'S FUCKING GENIUS CALL. Orton to Bradley, he might be finally getting some rhythm now. 3 and 1, and Forte gets 2 and a half, move the chains.

I hate when the Bears run tosses, it never works out. Forte got about 4, but Olsen is flagged for holding. Holding will be the new 1 drink addition from here on out.

RON TURNER IS SHOWN AND LOOKS PUZZLED!!!! DRINK A BEER!!!! and a great throw to Clark, but that doesn't solve much! Way to go, Orton. You clumsy fuck. No more running around with the ball for you. Robbie Gould aka Curious George is good from 43, and so far my prediction to Noce on what the score would be at halftime is dead-on.


Grossman will be heading into the game on the next Bears possession. For those of you following along, so far I've had one and half Miller Lites. I'm so fucking drunk it's rediculous.

I don't know about you, but I was thinking this could have been a complete mess of alcohol.


Fuck! Anderson should have made it back to back sacks! Huard did a nice job of escaping the rush. Anderson has been playing well so far. Bears defense has shut them down since the opening drive. Chiefs only make up half of a 3rd and 20 and here comes the Sex Cannon.

Hester actually gets a chance to return the punt, but doesn't get anywhere. Grabbing two more beers in anticipation of Grossman. MOTHERFUCKING SPECIAL TEAMS! 3 PUNTS TO THE BEARS, 3 FLAGS ON THE RECEIVING TEAM. Like what you're seeing, Dave Toub???

Grossman first pass complete for 3 yards. The other AP for 16 yards, and follow that up with 20 yard pass from Rex to Brandon Lloyd.

So far, so good for Rex. REX TO PETERSON, LOSS OF THREE, DRINK!

Orton's final numbers: 7-10, 56 yards. Grossman has plenty of time to throw, but steps awkwardly into the throw and its well out of bounds. Olsen was well covered. Another fucking special teams flag that's declined. Ball was almost downed at the one by D. Manning but not so much. Why are they reviewing this shit? Who fucking cares, it's going to be at the 20 no matter what. They declined the fucking penalty in the first place.

All that shit for just 5 yards. Wow. 1 and 10 at the 25, Jamaal Charles for 8 yards. He's looking pretty good. A draw to Charles out of a shotgun 4 wide just barely moves the chains.

They just showed Mike Brown on the sidelines, and he looks like a ghetto fucking chia pet. Deep pass to Maurice Price moves the ball to midfield. Odds on Price making the Chiefs, slim to none. Ball knocked down on the next play by David Haugh's man crush, Marcus Harrison. 3rd and 5. Huard no problem to whoever the fuck is #80.

Replay shows Kevin Payne is fuckstick. Well done biting on the pumpfake. Fourth grade called, it wants to call you a stupidhead, Payne.

Fade route to Maurice price, and guess who almost got burned again? That's right, call 911. Trumaine McBride would like his stuffed elephant Barbar ready.

I'm too pissed off typing and don't even bother to look up as the Chiefs score again.


A final run by AP finishes the first half. Not much of a first half for the Bears. Grossman looked better then Orton in my estimation. Was a lot more comfortable in the pocket. Forte and Peterson both did pretty well. The Bears receiving corp gets an incomplete because there wasn't much to base any thoughts on. They might have been out place at times, but we don't know where or when they were supposed to be.

As for the Defense, they were really porous. Larry Johnson had plenty of room to run, as did Jamaal Charles. Defensive Ends did not stick to holding their areas and overpursued way too often. The linebackers were a non-factor. The secondary was out of place and allowed plenty of throwing lanes. Oh well.

As for the drinking game, after the first half I've had 2 and half beers. Totally wasted, bro.


Judging from the comments we've been receiving about the drinking rules, there's only one to show you that:

A: It won't be that bad
B: I'm more of an alcoholic then I previously imagined
C: We can find out just how drunk you can really get!

With that in mind, I'll be live-blogging at least the first half (depending on shitty I get). Think about it, it's a two for one deal: you get to play along with me if you dare, and if you don't feel like getting shitfaced but want to know how it turns out, you'll have me!

Now, I should be have the first post up right at 7, so if you're not doing anything, come and join as type out my anger that the Bears still can't run the ball! It will be lots of fun!

*This is Dr. C's Liver here...fuck you, Dr. C

The Official 2008 Bears Preseason Drinking Game!

1. Anytime the Bears lose yards: 2 drinks
2. Grossman/Orton incomplete: 1 drink
3. Any Special Teams TD: 1 beer
4. Bears Offensive TD: 1 Beer
5. Bears Defensive TD: 2 Drinks (because that's more likely to happen)
6. Any shots of Ron Turner in the booth: 2 drinks
7. If he looks puzzled when they show him: 1 beer
8. Any third down play where a draw is run: 4 drinks
9. Bears Offense goes three and out: 4 drinks
10. Forte breaks a tackle (breaking Benson's career total): 1 drink per occurance
11. Bears Sack: 2 drinks
12. Any time you heard the words Mike Hass: 3 drinks
13. Any Mike Hass catches: 5 drinks
14. Mike Hass TD: 2 beers, and don't you fucking short him one sip.

BallHype: hype it up!

What To Look For Tonight's Bears/Chiefs Game

Are you as excited as I am to finally watch some fuckin' football? Damn straight. Now remember, as your Doctor I am prescribing you lots of booze to make you think that Mike Hass truly is the white Jerry Rice. I'll have a couple things that I'm going to pay attention to, and after that, a Bears pre-season drinking game that is sure to fuck you up.

The obvious things everyone is going to look at: Rex vs. Orton, Forte.

Here's what I'm going to be watching:

The Offensive Line: This is my biggest concern on the whole team. More so then Grossman/Orton, because they're fucking useless even when they have decent blocking. Terrence Metcalf just had his knee scoped, Chris Williams has been sitting on the sidelines thinking about how he can relate to his favorite WB show Everyone Hates Chris. That leaves second year man Josh Beekman in at left guard, and John St. Clair at left tackle. Not exactly what you're hoping for in terms of experience. This will be critical not only in their play, but their ability to STAY HEALTHY. Ruben Brown is liking his chops with the Bears' depth, and it's not from the Sweet Baby Ray's he just put on his hickory smoked ribs from Carson's.

Secondary: Over/Under in the comments on what game Mike Brown is lost for the season again. I'm going to put the tab at 4 games, and I'll obviously take the under. I love Mike Brown, but I stopped trusting him a few years ago. I don't expect Vash and Peanut to play much, so we'll see if Trumaine McBride has recovered from his third degree burns from the NFL receivers he's gotten torched on. Look for rookies Zach Bowman (Nebraska) and Craig Steltz (LSU) to see time somewhere near the end of the second quarter.

Caleb Hanie: This bastard beat out my boy Nick Hill, so he better have a line looking like this to justify it: 10/12, 202 yds, 2 TD, O INT. I know the guy played at Colorado State, but that's all I know. These are the only two youtube clips I could find, and I'm terrified. Caleb Hanie is not only unknown, but also very grainy:


If you have something you're looking for, feel free to share. With those things now addressed, let's get down to the real deal:


If you would like us to add on to this, please be my guess. This should be enough to make you hate your life tomorrow, but you'll rave that the Bears offense is going to make the greatest show on turf look like a bunch of fags. Wait, St. Louis is a bunch of fags? Oh yeah, nevermind.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Orton Will Get First Shot Under Center, and Also Later At The Bar

The man who might love Jack Daniels more then I do will be your starting Quarterback on Thursday night's first preseason game of the year against the Chiefs. Don't get your hopes up though, as the Terrorist will be starting next week against Seattle.

What does this mean?

Not a whole fucking lot. I have the feeling that after watching the next two games, it's not going to be who surprises us, but who fucks up the least. Look at this way; outside of Rashied Davis, none of the receivers know the playbook inside and out. Matt Forte is going to have a lot of on the field training, and the Bears O-Line looks as mencing as the Polish on their horses during the Blitzkrieg of WW II.

They are not going to look good. It's already bad enough that Orton and Grossman are inconsistent at best, but they're going to have get routes down, etc. If you're anything like me, you should be getting intoxicated so that the offense looks more attractive. Its not like I have high expectations for them starting right out of the gate, but seriously it could be a complete and utter shit show.

As for the defense, I've heard Tribune Bears beat writer David Haugh on Mac, Jurko and Harry verbally come on the microphone with how good third round pick Marcus Harrison has looked. Haugh describes him as raw, with a great motor. Could be a good pick up if he can stay healthy, something Dusty Dvoracek and Dan Bazuin can't say.

Dvoracek is out of practice at this point with a calf he gave berth to, while Bazuin has knee swelling. Awesome.

BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Worst. Fight. EVER.

In case you didn't see this, I figured I would throw it up here for you. DJ Carrasco has cemented his vote for toughest man alive. Just watch the quickness of his right hand as he knocks Miguel Olivo unconscious. Stunning.

New Weekend Hours For North Siders Favorite Bar?

That's what Lou Piniella and Cubs Chairman Crane Kenney (Sounds like a law firm to me) are pushing the city of Chicago to consider. With the 20th aniversary of the first night game coming up this Friday, Lou is hoping that the city will be flexible with their schedule:

"There are certain times during the course of a season where exceptions should be made for night games [on weekends]. Not all the time, but look at the schedule and there are a handful of games where you're coming in late in the morning. Like when we came in from Arizona [at 5 a.m.]. You could use a night game on Friday to get your breath a little bit.

We'll see. It makes sense to me."

Makes sense to me too, Lou. Because of the neighborhood, the Cubs are limited to 30 night games a year.

That's funny. I thought it would have been because of incidents involving violence and alcohol.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Bulls Waive JamesOn Curry; Curry Gets Pissy

By Stalkingerinandrews

Word came out of the Berto Center today that the Bulls have waived JamesOn Curry. Bulls GM John Paxson said, “With the 1st overall pick of Derrick Rose and the large contract that comes with that pick, and the contract extension we just gave Luol Deng, we just didn’t have anymore room on our roster for an impact player like JamesOn.”*

Curry averaged 20.2 ppg, 5.6 apg, and 3.2 rpg with the Iowa Energy of the NBADL, and could hold down a bench in the NBA like no other. He was second on the Bulls with 15.6 standing ovations per game.**

Joakim Noah was seen with a tear in his eye, and overheard saying that no one could find the good stuff like JamesOn could.

Curry was understandably pissed when he was told of the news.

So long, JamesOn. I wish I could say we’ll miss you, but we never saw you play a minute in the NBA. It will, however, be difficult to replace your bench presence.

*John Paxson may not have actually said this
**May not be an actual stat

BallHype: hype it up!

Weekend Send-Off: In Which Noce Eats His Words For Trying To Look Cool

This would be Bullet For My Valentine covering Sanitarium. Back at the end of January, I put up their new single at the time because I like them. Well, today Noce says to me, you know who I kinda like? Bullet For My Valentine. Yeah, that's right. The second link was his post following mine for the BFMV song.

And now he likes them. After calling them gay. So I guess that makes Noce gay.

Punk. Have a good weekend fuckfaces, and don't forget to take the tourniquet off your arm after shooting up. Wouldn't want to lose your arm after you doze off, now would you?

What do Julia Roberts and Scotty Bowman Have In Common?

They can both claim they were at one point "Sleeping With The Enemy".

She is a stranger in a small town. She changed her name. Her looks. Her life. All to escape the most dangerous man she's ever met. Her husband.

If that's the tagline for the 1991 lame ass Julia Roberts-Patrick Bergin "thriller"(Who the fuck is this guy?), then I think this should fit for yesterdays' transactions:

He is a stranger in a big city. His name is still the same. His Hockey knowledge. His sweaty, scotch pouring brow. All to escape the most dangerous shithole city he's ever known. Detroit.

That's right: the winningest coach in NHL history and a member of 11 Stanley Cup champion teams, signed a three-year contract Thursday as the Hawks' senior adviser for hockey operations.

Bowman, who had been a consultant with the Detroit Red Wings the last six seasons after coaching them to three Stanley Cup championships, will be an adviser to Hawks general manager Dale Tallon and son, Stan Bowman, who is the team's assistant GM.

(Stannnnnnnnn..Stan..I have a medical condition.)

Well, it's looks like Stannnnnnnnn was able to convince Scotty to come aboard. But when Scotty's taking a bath, he might want to make sure that Stannnnnnnnn doesn't come to strangle him. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about, it's a scene from the movie, and don't ask how I know that, thank you.)

Now if Bowman wants to continue his ties with Roberts, he might have to go through something like this to keep it up:

BallHype: hype it up!