After Week 1...

STANDINGS:

NOCE: 12-4
Dr. C: 11-5

I know, I know, picking the Falcons was quite stupid after all, but hey upsets is how you get ahead. I don't think it was that much of a stretch...ok it was.

Week 1 Standout:

That in my mind would have to go to Green Bay as much I would hate to concede that to those jackass Packers fans. The defense has been shored up with Kris Jenkins in the middle, A.J. Hawk becoming a stud, and Nick Barnett getting to beat people legally. I'm still not putting any stock yet into Vernand Morrency or Brandon Jackson, but Favre will always give them a fighting chance.

Week 1 Disappointment:

Definitely goes out to the team many have followed in the preseason thanks to HBO sports, the Kansas City Chiefs. Rookie kicker Justin Medlock is probably back at UCLA trying to scam women into thinking he's still on the team after getting the boot. Larry Johnson only getting 41 yards on 10 carries to me means he's about 2-3 weeks away from getting into his normal numbers. After reading comments on the Kansas City Star from Damon Huard, it sounds like the Chiefs ran into the same problems as the Bears. There's a difference, though. You were playing the fucking Texans!!!!

Where's Chris Harris When You Need Him?

In Carolina, that's where. What a great idea to send Chris Harris packing just a few weeks ago, Jerry Angelo. Considering Mike Brown's history of being Joe Glass, you would think a concerned GM might wait until the trading deadline in week 6 just in case Joe Glass has another problem...buuuuttttt no.

On August 2nd, Angelo sent the serviceable safety to Carolina for a 5th round pick, which Lovie backed up as well with the depth at the position (at the time) "We felt like on our roster, we had six that we felt real good about. You can’t keep six safeties; it’s as simple as that.” So Lovie, you're telling me you would rather see Brandon McGowan (please note said dipshit not getting out of the way of the ball on the punt that lead to San Diego's first score) on the field on a third and ten then Chris Harris who had an interception in the Super Bowl?

I understand that you want to see Chris get some P.T. somewhere else so he doesnt become a waste on the bench, but you HAVE to keep the best talent possible available to you in case you need it. Hence, this exodus we'll be in for the rest of the season. What happens if Archulteta gets hurt?

Well don't you two have some explaining to do now. Super Bowl XLI burn victim Danieal Manning will go back the same post he occupied for most of 2006 when Joe Glass went down in the Arizona game, but once again the run defense will be susceptible. Just in time for an angry Larry Johnson. Sweet.

Who's Offense is Worse: The Cubs or The Bears?

What? No weekend posts? Yes, I know...and my response is oh well. I was too busy watching Michigan become the most overrated team I think anyone can remember in the past decade, while Sunday pointed out something for me to consider...What's worse: the Cubs offense or the Bears? Now, granted, the Bears line of work is one game, (against arguably the best defense in the league nonetheless) so it's hard to draw parallels considering. Well, I'm going to do it anyways because if my beloved White Sox are even worse then both two efforts combined, I might as well take it out on the North Siders.

CUBS: Completely Useless By September and Proving it!

The Cubs dropped two of three to a Pittsburgh team that would have probably lost out in the Little League Regional finals this year. After losing 10-5 Sunday, The Cubs' lead in the N.L. terrible (Central) since Aug. 16th ended. In terms of they stack up in the MLB, here's the stats courtesy of MLB.com:

Runs: 22nd
Home Runs: 25th

RBI's: 21st

TB: 18th

BB: 24th

SB: 15th

OBP: 20th

SLG: 20th

OPS: 19th

The only category the Cubs were in the top half of the league was Batting Average at .269 as a team, good enough for 13th. The numbers don't lie, kids. This is a below average offense that can't sacrifice runs (considering they openly admit they don't practice bunting), and therefore can only rely on rallys (or lack thereof and dingers). Can anyone say early 2000 White Sox? This team will do just the same as those bestowing the blue before it: CHOKE!!!!!!!

Bears: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

Sunday's offensive struggles pointed out very obvious points of contention for any Bears fan concerned about a repeat trip to the Super Bowl:

- Productivity from the backs
- Dr. Rex Jekyll and Mr. Rex Hyde

Number one has been talked about all preseason with Benson and Adrian Peterson not getting much in terms of YPC and total yards, but now it appears to be legitimate:

Benson: 19 carries, 42 yards/Peterson: 7 carries, 38 yards. With out the threat either of them gaining serious yards, the Chargers blitzed the always confused Rex Grossman and took his receivers away from him. This is the problem that needs work, because of the Bears' reliance on the Play Action. No run game to respect, no problem.

In terms of Rex, it was business as usual. Grossman had several plays in which he over/under threw wide open receivers, and threw a pick (although that was more of a miscommunication between him and Berrian, Berrian shouldn't have broken off his out route which he did, not Rex's fault). In order for Grossman to continue his development, problem A has to be solved to avoid problem B. I don't care what team outside of Indianapolis that loses the ball 4 times against San Diego, you're most likely going to lose, and lose the Bears did.

Final Analysis: The Cubs offense is worse because they can't fix the fact that they dont practice a National League necessity: run production and sacrafice. The Bears have legitimate problems that need to be addressed, but as we all saw glimpses in the preseason, should be able to straighten them out between now and the rest of the season. Thomas Jones, we miss you in Chicago...

Phil Jackson Dwarfs Hall of Fame Class of 2007

The Zen master - Phil Jackson - finally took his rightful place in the NBA Hall of Fame today, along with what appeard to be a band of traveling midgets. Jackson is revered among Chicagoans for his implementation of the Triangle Offense, which eventually led to the one of the greatest NBA dynasties ever: The 1990-1998 Chicago Bulls. If it wasn't for that pompous ass Jerry Krause, Jackson might have finished his career in Chicago and not out in Los Angeles where he eventually found Zen and met the voluptous Jeanie Buss.

Jackson also said during his induction press conference that he really wanted to win the Kevin Garnett Sweepstakes but ultimatley was done out by the late Red Auerbach. It looks like he's stuck with Kobe and all his beefs for another full season. Jackson even commented on Kobe's status with himself and the team,

"There's some recouping that has to be done there, perhaps between Kobe and some of his teammates."(AP)

This is EXACTLY why I DO NOT ever want to see Kobe Bryant in a Chicago Bull uniform. He is as talented as they come but he's a pain in the ass to deal with - even the most calm, calculating coach in history has about had his fill with Kobe's bullshit. Do you really think Scott Skiles and his raging temper (See: Fight with Shaq) would be able to put up with all Kobe's guff? I think not. John Paxson has done a great job building up a TEAM of players that show up every night and work their asses off. It is well-known around the league that the Bulls are at the very top echelon of hard-working teams. I wouldn't trade any of our future stars for Kobe "Maybe I'll take the night off" Bryant.

Anyway, I'll step off my soapbox for now and congratulate Jackson on his wonderful playing career and even more astounding coaching career. You're twice the man Kobe is and twice as big as those guys you were inducted with.

Opening Kickoff: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...literally

After waiting patiently all throughout the day, 7 o'clock finally came along, and I switched over to NBC.
I knew they were going to have an opening entertainment show before the game started, so I figured I would act as the entertainment critic.


John Cougar Mellencamp: I think he's actually dropped the nickname "Cougar". That must have been an easy decision for several reasons: A: He's from Bloomington, IN - home of Indiana Universtity - where there clearly are no cougars. B: Since the 06' ALDS, his newest song has been whored around on more Chevy commercials than Alyssa Milano has whored around with National Leaguers. C: When I think of the nickname "Cougar" I think about middle aged people trying to live out their sexual fantasies with young kids...oh yea remember that guy who used to play with Mellencamp?

Final Analysis and Grade: Cant go wrong when the local boy makes good: B

Faith Hill: I can't stand country music. I find nothing likeable about it, and have pretty much shunned it from my life whenever possibe. With that said, Faith Hill on mute, is fabulous. Mrs. McGraw is a MILF. She was only on for about 5 minutes, so I have no problem with her.

Final Analysis and Grade: No mute: D.Mute: B

In my mind, so far so good...no real complaints. Then it's time to sing the national anthem and who comes in?

Keyshia Cole: ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME? The NFL is a billion dollar enterprise and the flagship of American sports, and you bring out Keyshia Fucking Cole? I'm still not convinced this wasnt actually Bobby Brown with a wig on. The whole time watching this train wreck I was thinking I'm about to see Ashton Kutcher pull off the most amazing episode of Punk'd ever. Nope. Fuck, she would have been better off on HBO's School of Hard Knocks. I'm convinced she could blow the hole up much better then Boomer Grigsby.

On top of that, her singing was awful, and I'm talking real bad. So fucking bad in fact, that the Ft. Wayne singing choir started to end 'Home of the Brave' before she was done wailing, and you could tell that really pissed her off.

Two big thumbs down to them, because her sorry ass Whitney Houston-wannabe singing didnt even belong in TNA Wrestling with Pacman.

Final Grade and Analysis: Z...20 grades lower then an F. I also hope whoever booked her got fired and is living in a van down by the river. I would have rather seen Ron Artest out there singing about Matt Lauer. Here: see for yourself.

Thank Christ the wait is over

After about 2 hours of straight research and thought about this week's games (while at work mind you), I have arrived with the Gospel of Noce. And in the 3rd hour, I rested.

Colts vs. Saints: Colts have gone 7-1 in season openers since 1999 despite playing on the road six times. 28-20 Indianapolis.

Kansas City vs. Houston: Everything's bigger in Texas - including Matt Schaub. 17-14 Texans.

Denver vs. Buffalo: Home-field advantage works for Buffalo in January, not September. 21-17 Broncos.

Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland:
This one is a coin flip (Eh Romeo?) Heads win! 21-7 Steelers.

Tennessee vs. Jacksonville: My favorite ex-Illini Tony Pashos will be a good addition to the Jags O-Line. After getting pummeled all game the Titans won't be remembered until Vince Young rips his teammates for sucking. 20-6 Jaguars.

Carolina vs. St. Louis: The only thing faster than Steve Smith is Steve Smith on turf. 28-21 Panthers.

Philadelphia vs. Green Bay: Don't bother getting your hopes up for 2008 Packers fans: your team still sucks. 35-7 Eagles.

Atlanta vs. Minnesota: Taylor & Peterson edge out Dunn & Norwood in the battle of hapless QB's. 21-14 Vikings.

Miami vs. Washington: I traded Ronnie Brown in my fantasy league for a reason: Miami's offensive line has more holes in it than Lance Briggs' accident story. 17-7 Redskins.

New England vs. NY Jets: Bill Belichick is a dick. But he's got a great offense to toy with this year and the Jets still have Chad Pennington. 31-10 Patriots.

Tampa Bay vs. Seattle: No-brainer here - I've already penciled Seattle in for the NFC West Champs. 28-13 Seahawks.

Chicago vs. San Diego: Tommie Harris is still nursing that hamstring and the Bears are thin at Defensive Tackle. Not quite what you want to hear going up against one of the best running backs of all time. 24-20 Chargers.

Detroit vs. Oakland: Let's see if my Ronnie Brown for LaMont Jordan swap pays off - I'm predicting big things from you this year LJ. You can start by rusing for 120 with 2 TD's in Week 1. 21-20 Raiders.

NY Giants vs. Dallas: Eli is about as tough as his name suggests. The lesser Manning couldn't lead drunk to happy hour. 27-21 Cowboys.

Baltimore vs. Cincinnati: The best defense is a good offense eh? That seems to be the Bengals' plan - but I'm not sure it'll work against the legitimate best defense. 21-10 Ravens.

Arizona vs. San Francisco: Everyone always seems to be high on the Cardinals in the beginning of the season, only to realize they still suck. Frank Gore will dash those early hopes with a strong performance. 31-21 49ers.

Season Award Predictions

MVP: LaDanian Tomlinson
Offensive Player of the Year: Peyton Manning
Defensive P.O.Y: Shawne Merriman
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive R.O.Y: LaRon Landry
NFC Division Winners: Chicago, Seattle, Carolina, Philadelphia
NFC Wild Card: St. Louis, NY Giants
NFC Champions: Chicago
AFC Division Winners: New England, Baltimore, Indianapolis, San Diego
AFC Wild Cards: Jacksonville, Denver
AFC Champions: New England
Super Bowl XLII: Chicago 31 Patriots 30

NFL IS BACK...THANK GOD!

OPENING DAY, BITCHES!!!!!!!

After tedious months of watching the White Sox trot the most underacheiving team I can ever remember, the NFL is finally back. If I had to watch more of the Cubs' choke jobs in this pitiful division called the N.L. Central, I would have ripped my eyes out of their sockets and swallowed them so I could watch what I eat from now on. Anyways...

Every week Noce and myself here will be picking our favorites for the week. No confidence, handicapping, or survivor style. Just straight up picks, baby. Although we haven't discussed the reward for the regular season winner (mainly because we face each other in week one for fantasy with money riding on that) we'll let you know what's on the line.

Before I get into my picks, I'll give you my season awards, playoffs, super bowl picks, etc.

MVP: Peyton Manning

Offensive P.O.Y: LT

Defensive P.O.Y: Julius Peppers

R.O.Y. Offensive: Calvin Johnson

R.O.Y. Defensive: Patrick Willis

NFC Division Winners: Bears, Cowboys, Seahawks, Saints

NFC Wild Card: Eagles, Panthers

NFC Champs: Bears

AFC Division Winners: Patriots, Ravens, Colts, Chargers

AFC Wild Card: Broncos, Steelers

AFC Champs: Patriots

SUPER BOWL XLII: Bears 24, Patriots 21 (Or at least that's what I hope!)

Alright, with that out of the way, here's week one:

Indianaplois vs. New Orleans: Peyton picks apart Payton's pathetic secondary: 31-20 Colts. (note the alliteration)

Kansas City vs. Houston: Larry Johnson goes over the century mark and Huard moves the ball: 17-13 Chiefs.

Atlanta vs. Minnesota: Tavaris Jackson will throw at least 2 picks, while Harrington gets the job done. 21-10 Falcons.

Philadelphia vs. Green Bay: McNabb and Westbrook contribute 2 tds a piece. 31-17 Eagles.

Washington vs. Miami: Trent Green looks lost, and Jesse Chatman considers a hot dog on the sideline. 20-7 Redskins.

Tennessee vs. Jacksonville: In a battle of scrambling QB's, Vince shows the Madden curse is over...at least for Week 1. 14-10 Titans.

Pittsburgh vs.Cleveland: There is no need for comment here. 28-6 Steelers.

Denver vs. Buffalo: In a close game til the end, Jay Cutler leads the troops down the field for a game winning field goal. 24-21 Broncos.

St. Louis vs. Carolina: Carolina's D is tough, but the Edward Jones Dome will be rocking. 21-17 Rams.

New England vs. NY Jets: Moss or no Moss, Brady doesnt even break a sweat. 31-14 Patriots.

San Diego vs. Chicago: Grossman will be hurting after this one. 24-10 Chargers.

Seattle vs. Tampa Bay: Shaun Alexander dispels any worries about his foot with 3 TDs in this one. 35-7 Seahawks.

Detroit vs. Oakland: Kitna disperses the ball to everyone, including rookie Calvin Johnson for his first TD. 28-9 Lions.

Dallas vs. NY Giants: In a close game, Eli Manning gets a chance to tie it up with 2 minute drive and predictably chokes. 24-17 Cowboys.

Baltimore vs. Cincinnati: Willis McGahee runs over the century mark and the Ravens keep 'Ocho Cinco' out of the endzone. 17-14 Ravens.

San Francisco vs. Arizona: America: meet Patrick Willis as the rookie is all over Leinart. 20-13 49ers.