Impromptu Live Blog?!?! Clippers vs. Bulls

It's my goal to do quite a few live Bulls blogs this season, so I figured by not announcing this I can kinda get a feel for it. I've live blogged baseball for Epic Carnival, and that wasn't too hard, but Basketball is up and down the floor, so we'll see how it goes. If it sucks, oh well. With that said, we pick up the action in the middle of the first quarter tied at 14 a piece.

Quick Notes heading into live action: Bulls have looked alot better so far in the first. Luol is attacking the basket more instead settling for bad shots. Defensively they seem to be playing more with more help on the weak side which is nice to see.

- Joakim Noah is getting ready to check in, lets see how the crowd responds..a few cheers, but nothing special

- Tyrus Thomas is fucking useless around the hoop. I don't understand how he thinks he has the little baby hook he keeps trying to use. Fuck Noah might be worse. Bulls currently lead by 2, 18-16; timeout

- Cuttino Mobley is killing the bulls in the first quarter. He's not missing. The guy has to be pushing mid-late 30's.

- Chris Kaman makes those dudes from the Cavemen show look like chippendale dances. He is one ugly muthafucka.

- Kirk Hinrich so far only one stupid foul. Amazing. I pegged him for at least two by now. It's the end of the first quarter, tied at 26.




START OF THE SECOND QUARTER:

See? Kaman would be a perfect fill-in.

- Joe Smith continues to knock down the 20-footer consistently this year. As I mentioned before in previous posts, I really hope he can stay healthy. It's an added dimension for the Bulls to drive and kick out with Gordon and Hinrich.

What the fuck just happened? I'm on the phone for not even 5 minutes, and the Bulls are now down 6. Fuck. Stacey King just showed a replay of Thabo with his head up his ass not paying attention, which allowed Al Thorton to easily lay it in. Noce hates when Stacey King does his "freeze it!".."Ok now roll it". I don't really have a problem with it. But then again, I've grown up listening to Hawk Harrelson say so much dumb shit that I don't even notice anymore.

- Cuttino Mobley continues to rape the Bulls. In the pregame they mentioned Corey Maggette alot; I haven't heard his name once. Clippers just went on a 13-0 run before Deng just got a lay-in. This team just went from looking good in the first quarter, to back to the team I've seen the past three games lose. Holy shit, Mobley has 21 points and there's 6 minutes left in the second. un-fucking-real.

- Hinrich looks lost trying to figure out Mobley, so he goes back to his best friend, the hack.

Fuck, Smith just walked off the court and into the locker room. Hope in one hand, shit in the other. Nocioni hits a three, and Tyrus Thomas? leads a fast break to Wallce for the finish, Bulls are getting back in this one quickly. The score is currently 49-43 with a little under 4 minutes to go. The Bulls cant hit shit from beyond three. Nocioni is the only one who's made one thus for.

- Darren Williams from the Clippers looks like one of the following: A: Peder ass, B: gay sailor, or C: Altar Boy who has been touched inappropiately several times. Either way, he sucks at life.

- THIS JUST IN: THOMAS CAN'T PASS FOR SHIT EITHER

- We have a Corey Maggette sighting; he misses both free throws. They just showed his parents on screen as he went to Fenwick High School. I could really give a fuck about his parents. Why am I seeing them? I would rather see fat chick blowing a clown at this point. Actually no, scratch that. I fucking hate clowns more, and the fact that one of them would be getting blown while sitting here typing does not a happy doctor make.

- Ben Wallace has a wide open lane down the middle, and the dumb fuck doesn't dunk it; he tries to finger roll it in and chokes. WOW. You're getting paid 60 million to play defense and dunk the ball you fucking incompetent doobie. Not try lay-ups and other fancy shit you're obviously incapable of.

The half ends ugly; Wallace gets an offensive board, and once again tries some circus shot that comes nowhere near the hoop. Lets review what've we talked about so far:

- Cuttino Mobley sold his soul to the devil for one last shot at a thirty point game in his late career, and Satan has accepted the offer.

- Whoever Darren Williams is, he was most likely touched several times in the naughty area by his priest, dressed as a gay sailor for halloween this year, and molests children as a result.

- Hinrich has two fouls, both terrible. Thomas and Wallce are like that Indian girl who has 8 appendages. Worthless.

- I fucking hate clowns.

THAT'S THE HALF: CLIPPERS 57, BULLS 52

I'm getting a good idea of how to go about this in the future, so stay posted; I'll be sure to announce something soon which will have an audience of Me, Noce, and random Jennifer Walcott lovers who stumbled on here probably thinking about jerking off.



START OF THE THIRD QUARTER:

Hey everybody - Noce here. Speaking of jerking off...I think that's what Dr. C is doing right now because he sure isn't contributing anything here. If you haven't been paying attention, you haven't missed much. Stacey King and Red just had a very confusing argument about Joakim Noah's chances of making the NBA All-Rookie team.

Haha, sorry I was jer...I mean I was having a cigarette.

Anyways, I'm here for the rest of the game, so have no fear.

- Thomas knocks down two free throws, and the Bulls get a steal leading to a Gordon lay-up...COME ON FUCKERS, LETS GO!!!!!

- Skiles calls a time-out after Kaman knocks down a 5 foot baseline shot, and the Clippers go back up 6. Everytime they get close, they find a way to give the ball up and let the Clippers stay ahead. This is more aggrevating then the fact Archuleta gets to fuck that broad above.

- A foul call that didn't go against the Bulls? Now that's some fucking news. Some Comcast sideline douchebag interviewed Maggette's parents, and it was fucking awful. This guy makes Jim Gray look reputable.

- GREAT JOB COMCAST!! During a stupid ass replay, Hinrich scores and I have no idea what happened.

Motherfuck, how many times do the Bulls have to choke away any chance they get to tie this shit?

- Question: Why does Ben Wallace, a professional athlete, never have to practice or attempt free throw shooting? He looks like a kid with down syndrome who gets to shoot for the fact of his disability. I'll be pondering that question as we head to a timeout, CLIPPERS 70, BULLS 69 with 3:49 left in the third.

- Glad to see Joe Smith is back on the court. On the floor currently is Hinrich, Gordon, Smith, Noah, and Deng. Game is tied at 70, and Hinrich, yep you guessed it, gets called for an offensive foul.

- Son of a Bitch, Noah tries a jumper from 15 and can't hit. I don't think he's scored tonight. Overall, he's shown he can be a good hustle player, but he really needs help on the offensive end. He, like Thomas should be shooting 200 times a practice to start to develop something that can complement what the Bulls do.

- THANK YOU FOR SHOWING UP LUOL!!!! Deng knocks down two jumpers in a row, and the Bulls finally are back in the lead by two. 20 bucks says Mike Dunleavy has ED. He just has the look in face right now if that if he could finally have sex with his wife, alot of wrongs in his life would be righted.

- I didn't even realize Paul Davis was drafted by the Clippers. The guy was a pussy at Michigan State, and an even bigger one now. Ruben Patterson, the consistent criminal scores before the end of the quarter, and the Bulls head into the fourth down by two. The hustle is there; they just need to make the most of every opportunity right now. If they go 0-4 I might piss blood tonight.



START OF THE FOURTH QUARTER:

There was a commercial for the WWE, and the first thing that popped in my head was Stacy Keibler. If I only I had her walking past me with a brick in my hand during a dark night. Anyways, back to the action.

- Joe Smith knocks down some free throws, and the Bulls lead by one. Noah caught an inbound with two seconds on the shot clock, and took four to put it up. KNOW HOW MUCH TIME YOU HAVE LEFT JACKASS!!!

- Thabo Selfolosha shooting jump shots excites me as much as my first child being born with no fingers.

- Duhon does a nice job of getting to the charity stripe, and hits both, BULLS 78, CLIPPERS 75...we have a time-out..WHERE? on the court...OH (SHOUT OUT TO SIU)

- Great statistic put up by Comcast; 2nd Chance Points: Bulls 19, Clippers 6. Man have the Clippers gone ice cold in the second half. Seems like they can't hit anything right now. Johnny Red Kerr comments the Clips are 1 for 6 from 3-points in the second half.

- Joe Smith is the offense right now for the Bulls; they're just giving him the ball and going nowhere near him. 13 points, 5 boards in 20 minutes. What's pissing me off at the moment is both teams are just settling for bad jump shots. They seem to trade possession after possession.

We have a one point game at the 5:38 mark, 82-81 BULLS. Joe Smith just got fouled; hits both, BULLS up again by 3.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! Wallace was guarding Kaman, got his hand in on the ball for three seconds, and instead of calling a jump ball, the jackass ref calls a foul. COMPLETE BULLSHIT

YESSSSS!!!! GORDON WITH A THREE, BULLS UP BY FOUR!!!

- Gordon gets blocked by Kaman, leads to a Maggette dunk, and were all tied up with 2:20 left in the game. FUCK!!!!! Maggette hits a three on top of that, and the Clippers are now up by 3. Damn you Corey Maggette for lying in the weeds until the end of the game.

- Tim Thomas misses a three, makes a beautiful behind the back save out of bounds to get it back in; Mobley continues his pillaging of the Bulls. This is not looking good. 94-89 CLIPPERS with 59.7 seconds left. The Bulls have been throwing up complete garbage. Hinrich, seriously what was that weak ass lay-up?

- Maggette throws up a three, it rims in and out, Smith with the rebound, immediately calls a 20 second timeout. Stacey King is already making excuses for the Bulls, saying they played better tonight; yes they have, but they choked away plenty of opportunities to take this game and run away.

- Gordon throws up a three and bricks. 30 seconds left, and Cuttino "The Cat" is at the line. Makes his first, game pretty much over. Misses the second.

- Gordon goes to the line, hits two free throws, Bulls immediately foul on the inbound. Gordon takes 8 seconds to lose the handle on the ball, and the Bulls are now 0-4.

FINAL SCORE: CLIPPERS 97, BULLS 91

If you happened to catch any of this while it happened, I thank for you joining in. I will most likely be live-blogging the Pistons-Bulls match-up on Thursday; so if you happen to take a look at this tomorrow, join us. Because I would enjoy more people being pissed off at the lack offensive prowess Tyrus Thomas possesses or how Luol Deng has yet to show up outside of two jumpers today.

NFL Week 9: Standings and Analysis

I can't remember the last time I cut into Noce's lead. In fact last week, I fell behind by another game, putting me back 7 now. Fuck you Cincinnati. I'm picking against you every week. Unless you're playing the Jets. Then I can't. But otherwise, fuck you. We head into the second half of the season, and while we could hand out 1st half awards, I'll leave to SI.com's Don Banks as I pretty much agree with everything he goes with in the article. Let's take a look at the standings, and get on with week 9 analysis:

STANDINGS:

NOCE: 87-41
DR. C: 80-48

Individual Performance of the Week: This goes without needing mention. It's Purple Jeezy all the way.

Most Impressive Team: This goes without needing mention also. It's the team that's going jam Don Shula's asterisk up his ass.

Least Impressive Team: When you lose to Atlanta, that's really bad. San Francisco started out 2-0, and haven't won a game since. Alex Smith could possibly worse then Rex Grossman, and Frank Gore is a fantasy terrorist for blowing up my team and leaving them wayside. This team seriously sucks, and I don't see how it could be possibly getting any better anytime soon. You can put the Bay Area up along with Chicago for having a shitty 2007 sports year.

Joe Crede For Johnny Damon?

There's few baseball sports writers that I enjoy more then the Chicago Tribune's own Phil Rogers, the Peter Gammons of the midwest. Anyways, after seeing his articleon Chicagosports.com, it certainly raised my eyebrows. But here's some issues I take with getting Johnny Damon to take over in center:

1. DECLINING PRODUCTION: In the past three years, Damon's numbers have gone down in runs, hits, doubles, triples, batting avg. and OBP. Not good for a guy who will be heading into his 14th season in the majors at the age currently of 33. He still looks like he has a few years in the tank, set to make 13 million in 08' and 09'.

2. BETTER PLAYERS AVAILABLE: I would much rather see Torii Hunter or Aaron Rowand back in center then Damon. Hunter provides much more offense, and we already know what Aaron Rowand brings to the table. What makes Johnny Damon that much more different then Darin Erstad outside of durability. We've already seen the older centerfielder gig not play out so great, and I feel like repeating history will not do the Sox any justice.

I think Damon would be an upgrade over Erstad, but he's getting older, and while he did steal 27 bases last year, which has gone up for the past 3 years; I don't know how long he'll last. Also, if trading Crede to clear the way for Josh Fields is the plan, there should be more exploring to be done. I'm there are plenty of other options, and the White Sox have all winter to make moves. As long I don't Uribe back in the field come April, I have no problem..yet.

Warning: Advil PM May Cause Really Fucked Up Dreams

"I'm no artist, but you do like it?..Here, have a whiff of my flower". If you can name this movie, a tip of the cap to you sir/madam. Anyways, I usually take Advil PM to help ensure that I'll actually go to bed. I don't feel like getting back on Ambien because if you don't give yourself 7 hours ahead of time, it's bad news. So I fall asleep around quarter after 11, and that's when the carnieness ensues. First, I have a dream that I'm at this abandoned collision shop, and I get into to some dude who supposedly works there. Nope, instead he tells doesn't like to fix cars, but rather hanging people, gutting them and pissing on them while they die. Quite a different scenario from my personal likes of booze and broads, but to each his own. So I find a box cutter and nail this motherfucker across the forehead, which of course does nothing, and like a complete dumbfuck I end up dropping the cutter as I go to attack him again.

I probably got pissed on or something, who knows...I woke dry so maybe I kicked in the nuts or something. I Wake up, and then get welcomed to a new fucked up dream. This time I'm on vacation or something with two of my buddies in some old little fucking shack by a lake. This time it's there's not a killer; the fucking shit ass shack starts collapsing on our heads. Turns out the entire ceiling is rotten thanks to a shitload of bees, kinda like this, but just imagine like millions and millions. They were indeed sting crazy, and our firearms were useless against them.



I don't even remember the third one, but I'm sure it probably sucked. But when it comes down to it, I guess I really don't have a choice. Either no sleep, or hope for the best with dream that has Jenna Jameson in it and I usually wake up with a cigarette already in my mouth.

NFL to Bears/Seahawks: You're Worthless

Like the Logos? I made them myself (no really, dipshit?). Anyways, it appears the NFL has used it's flexing muscles, as the Bears-Seahawks November 18th game that was going to be on Sunday Night Football has now been dropped for Bills-Patriots. The Bears-Seahawks game will now be switched to 3:15 on Fox. A few things cross my mind at this point. Number 1: Fox gets the leftovers...I find that hilarious. Number 2: The Bears and Seahawks have not been that interesting with Seattle losing yesterday to those upstart Cleveland Browns, which probably didn't help. Number 3: I don't blame the NFL considering how bad the Bears offense is, and Seattle hasn't been really effective either.

In terms of the game's crew, are Sam Rosen and Brian Baldinger really that much better then Michaels and Madden. I think not. Personally, I don't give a fuck who you put in there. As long as Benson is putting 10 carries for 32 yards, I'll be concerned with practicing voodoo on his doll. The Bears season has been a lot like hooking up with a chick that has Chlamydia (Not that I would know, I'm clean; knock on wood). At first, she's really hot, and you're sure this will be awesome. Then it happens, and you don't realize it. Now you're stuck with it, and it's not fun. In fact, it sucks.

God do I hope the Bulls figure their shit out. I'm in my own personal hell right now.

Behold The Power of Purple Jesus

Consider LaDainian Tomlinson John The Baptist, because Purple Jeezy is making miracles happen in Minnesota. As he shred the Bears by foot, not hand, I watched the propecies unfold in front of me. He might have gotten hurt in Oklahoma, but pay no attention. JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson, Joe Thomas, Gaines Adams, Levi Brown and LaRon Landry, all false idols. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Through 8 games, AD (All Day for those of you who are not in the know..lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what have yous) has 1,036 yards, putting him on pace for the second best single season record just behind Eric Dickerson's 2,105. Jamal Lewis came the closest to this mark a few years back in 03' when he wound up 39 yards short. Since we last brushed up with the statistics, PJ was averaging 120 yards by hand-off a game. That's up to 130 now. He's still on pace for the 16 tds, and his yardage expectations are up as well.

I could sit here and go on and on, but instead of that, I will leave with some Oklahoma runs as you PJ belittle his opponents. Next week he will feed the entire city of Deerwood, MN with a single piece of toast from Dairy Queen, and they will all be satisfied. By the way, if you happen to be in that direction, do stop by there. For some reason that's the best food I've had from a fast food joint practically ever.

2007 Boston Sports > Chicago Sports

After watching the Patriots come back from a 10 point deficit today, it made me realize how much the 2007 year has sucked for Chicago sports fans. The Bears coming up short in the Super Bowl, the White Sox finishing well below expectations, and the Cubs making the playoffs only to get swept in the first round by the D'Backs. The Bulls are off to a 0-3 start. The sports nobody gives a shit about? The Chicago Fire are in the Eastern Conference Finals, and the Blackhawks are tied for third place at .500.

Let's review the bullshit we've seen this year.

2006-07 Bears: After finishing the year 13-3, the Bears went into the playoffs with a bye, eventually facing the Seattle Seahawks after kicking the shit out of them 37-6 in week five. Robbie Gould kicked the game winner in overtime to send the Bears into the NFC Championship game against the Saints. After Reggie Bush took a Drew Brees pass 88 yards to the house, making it 16-14; I thought the Bears were in deep shit. They went on to win 39-14, and thus bringing us the Super Bowl. When Hester took it to the house, I thought this could actually happen. Not so much.

2006-07 Bulls: The same thing they do every year; start slow, come back on, head to the playoffs, go home. This year was a little different with them sweeping the defending champs. After that, not so much again.

2007 White Sox and Cubs: The Sox had a 90 win season the year before, and the Cubs started spending money to show they actually about the product on the field. The year began with alot of hope and expectations on both sides of the city. At one point, the Sox were 27-24. That was the end of anything positive I had to say about the season. The Cubs on the other hand were given the gift a Brewers team that choked harder then Mama Cass on a sandwich. Cubs win the N.L. Central, only to find out there was actually more games they had to play. Once again, not so much.

2007 Bears: Again, plenty of expectations. It felt like everyone in Chicago knew this team had unfinished business, and with all the great things we heard in the preseason about how the offense looked so amazing, we would be laying it up until January. Now, this team won't even be in discussions before December. The offense blows, Benson sucks, and the defense looks like the walking wounded out there. All we have now is excuses and talk of being overly satisfied. WTF. How are you satisified after losing the biggest game of the year? I don't think I'll ever understand, nor will any other right minded Chicagoan.

During all this futility, Boston has seen their baseball team win their second championship in the past 4 years, the Patriots are arguably the best team in NFL history to this point, and the Celtics have added KG and Ray Allen to possibly lead them to the NBA Finals. Bitter? Fuck yeah. The Bulls are off to an 0-3 start, and the Blackhawks don't appear to be anything for a while. The White Sox are going more backwards then they are forward, and college football doesn't really do it for me in a fan sense. It's going to be a loooong winter.