Tickle me Orange and Blue

The time is 8:04pm and all is well. Illinois and its SuperCoach Ron Zook are 4-1 and upset #21 Penn State 27-20 today in Champaign. Prior to today's game Illinois had not beaten a ranked opponent since November 21st 2001 when the Illini beat THE Ohio State Buckeyes (anyone else think the way jerks from OSU say "the" is more pretentious than anything else in sports?).

This just in: The Fighting Illni are the best team sporting a mascot that doesn't end with an "s" in the country. Prepare to be ranked Illini because pretty much every other team that was supposed to win got beat today. If I were Wisconsin I would start worrying about Illinois right now because we stand a good chance to end your 14-game winning streak next weekend. The Badgers better figure out how to stop freshman phenom Rejus Benn because he is an absolute freak. I am so happy that we were able to get Vontae Davis to come to Illinois because not only is he one of the best cornerbacks in the Big Ten, he went to the same high school as Benn and helped lure him to Champaign.

The next three games for the Illini will be very interesting. Realistically, Illinois could go 2-1 with the one loss probably to Wisconsin next week. That would put them at 6-2 with four games left to go. Can anyone say BOWL Game? I'm officially starting to budget a bowl pilgrimage because I will not miss out on what could be the start to an Orange and Blue dominance in the Big Ten.

Thank you Ron Zook - for putting the lead back into the Illini pencil. You could punch a baby and I'd still say it was the right move.

F-Yeah Friday

What a shitty month September turned out to be for me at work. Coincidence that the first month I start this website, I don't make my sales quota? Fuck yeah it is, calling people in Wisconsin and Iowa sucks! With that in mind, I'm getting fucking bombed tonight because I'm forecasting October to be fucking fabulous. Beer Pong will be the game of choice tonight because if I can't be in college anymore, I might as well live it's finer moments. It's a little late for links, but who the fuck cares. Here's my theme song for next month courtesy of fiddy:


Not a big fan of the 'leader', but I did like the article from Scott Burnside on the Blackhawks new rookies.

This was from yesterday, but With Leather shows you where the college poon is thanks to the exemplorary work from Mac G. Do yourself a favor reintroduce your eyeballs to college coeds.

NFL writer Dan Pompei takes a look at the Bears' options in 2008 for yet another quarterback who will probably last all of seven games.

I caught a couple of innings of the White Sox' 1st-round pick from 2005 Lance Broadway, and he looked really good. However, that's pretty easy to do when you play the Royals in the last week of the season as Sox Machine notes.

Finally, I laughed my ass off reading this one, and I'm going to add their blog to the co-conspirators roll if they can keep coming up with gold like this: 20 NFL Head Coaches alternative jobs if they weren't in football. Jack Del Rio is perfect fucking sales rep.

UFC 77 - SPORTS STYLE

With all this talk about goofball promoters trying to stage a Tommy Lee and Kid Rock fight, it got me thinking the past three days. Who would I like to see in the octagon? I came up with several fight cards for different titles, but here's the five I chose to go with. By all means, give me your dream card match-up and give them a title to fight for as well!

FLASHIEST WIDE RECEIVER: T.O. VS. CHAD JOHNSON



Who wouldn't want to see T.O. gets his clock cleaned? Gotta say though, Owens is a beast, and I would have to give him the physical edge. HOWEVER, I see T.O. pulling a Chuck Liddell and not taking Ocho Cinco seriously. Ocho Cinco catches Owens off-guard, gets him into a ground and pound situation, and the fight is stopped by big John McCarthy
WINNER: Ocho Cinco

SMUGGIEST TV SPORTS ANNOUNCER: JOE BUCK VS. BRYANT GUMBEL



Wow...this is one hell of an undercard. The war of smugness will be so intense this one is scheduled for five rounds instead of three because everyone should get their money's worth in my UFC. The first round will be no contact; just chiding remarks at each other to get a basis for how they want to attack. However, that changes in the second round as Bryant gets pissed after Joe tells him Aikman helps him score while Gumbel is serving Bernard Goldberg his Metamucil. The two serve right hands and one liners back and forth until early in the fifth when finally Gumbel has wore down Buck's head...literally. Gumbel earns the win with a rear naked choke. He then gets asked his reaction by Joe Rogan, and proceeds gives a five minute outro about steriods in sports, and takes a final shot at Buck by saying that's my show tonight, the buck stopped here.
WINNER: Bryant Gumbel

BIGGEST SPORTS SLOB: DAVID WELLS VS. JOHN DALY



Before the fight takes place, both men will participate in a mandatory power hour to get their beer muslces flowing, which both welcome as a precusor to the showdown. Both men enter to George Thorogood songs; Wells to 'One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer' while Daly enters to 'I Drink Alone'. Daly is wearing a shirt into the ring that says www.johndalywines.com and Wells is pissed he hasn't thought of opening up his own liquor brand (mainly because he is braindead from booze). The fight starts off fierce, with both men showing off their street toughs. After round one, there is no clear winner, and it appears they won't be: both combatants have passed out from the booze and exhaustion, or as they both like to call it, Monday night.

WINNER: A DRAW

GREAT SPORTS STORY RUINED BY HGH/STERIODS: RICK ANKIEL VS. FLOYD LANDIS



In 06' Floyd Landis was a huge success story, and this year it was the reemergence of Rick Ankiel. Both have cheated their way to glory, and now they get to win something they actually have to earn. This fight was over before it began though. Ankiel has 60 pounds on Landis and 3 inches in height (according to perspective websites that I don't believe). Not to mention, Landis probably has been clean now that he still trying to take tests while Ankiel can keep doping up. Ankiel mauls him; Landis cries that he was set up and wants a second fight to no avail

WINNER: ANKIEL

THE MAIN EVENT: HOTTEST WOMAN ASSOCIATED WITH GOLF: NATALIE GULBIS VS. ELIN NORDEGREN



They enter the ring, and there is no fight, just your vote..the question is: WHO YOU GOT?

WINNER: Every male with a pulse

Don't quit your day job

Here's to people who should not quit their day jobs just yet:

Randy Moss: The 'Freak' is having a great year so far with Tom Brady throwing perfect spirals and perfect smiles to him in weeks 1-3.

Reggie Bush: I know Bush is making a lot more money now than he did in college but at least he looked good playing for USC. Bush has racked up only 80 yards on 29 carries so far this season and now will be the main runner since Deuce McAllister is gone for the year. Time to step up now or deal with all the "overrated" comparisons that are sure to start coming.

Ron Turner: Now that Rex is benched the pressure to make the offense work is on your shoulders. I've had a bone to pick with Ron Turner since his days as the Head Coach at my alma mater, the University of Illinois. He left that program in shambles to go to the Bears and now he looks like he is in that same self destruction process again. Don't do it Turner - go against your instincts this time and quit being a dousche.

Alright onto the picks:

Houston @ Atlanta: The Texans are going to be without Ahman Green, Ron Dayne and Andre Johnson. Center Steve McKinney is also out for the year. This means that the Texans offense will be a strong dose of Samkon Gado, and Naperville native Owen Daniels - and that's not good. I'll take Warrick Dunn and Jerious Norwood to run all over in Atlanta's first win of the year. 13-7 Falcons

NY Jets @ Buffalo: With the 1st pick in the 2008 NFL Draft the Buffalo Bills select... 21-6 Jets

Baltimore @ Cleveland: Even without the services of cornerback Samari Rolle the Ravens should have no trouble stopping former teammate Jamal Lewis. The only other offensive player worth anything is Kellen Winslow - so focus on him and don't even worry about Braylon Edwards or Joe Jurevicius. 27-13 Ravens

St. Louis @ Dallas: Dallas might as well play the backups for the next two weeks and keep the starters healthy for New England in Week 6. 37-21 Cowboys

Chicago @ Detroit: Tommie Harris, Lance Briggs, Charles Tillman, Nate Vasher, Adam Archuleta, and Adewale Ogunleye all were inactive for practice today and are likely to miss Sunday's game against the touted Detroit offense. Holy fucking shit the Bears are screwed. 27-20 Lions

Oakland @ Miami: Daunte Culpepper will likely get the start against his former team and will look to prove some Dolphin brass wrong. The running game will be the key to this one - it's up to LaMont Jordan and Ronnie Brown. I'm putting my money in LaMont Jordan and Co. 20-13 Raiders

Green Bay @ Minnesota: The Packers are apparently the "feel good" story of the NFL this year. That is total bullshit because the only thing that Green Bay's success makes me feel is nautious. They'll beat the Vikings this week, and my roomate will continue to harass me. 24-20 Packers

Seattle @ San Francisco: Cast or no cast, Shaun Alexander is hard to stop. 27-14 Seahawks

Tampa Bay @ Carolina: Both teams are very unpredictable - it's very hard to know whether either one of them are going to show up for the game on Sunday. With QB Jake Delhomme out I'll take Tampa in a close one. 17-14 Buccaneers

Denver @ Indianapolis: Who will lose first - New England or Indianapolis? Both teams look like they'll be undefeated until they face each other in Week 9. 37-20 Colts

Pittsburgh @ Arizona: Things aren't good when Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart are tag teaming in any position. Let's all hope and prey Paris Hilton is nowhere near Arizona these days because that's a sights that makes me want to punch a baby. 28-17 Steelers

Kansas City @ San Diego: If Norv Turner wants to save his career and what's left of his reputation as a head coach, he better damn well win this game and about 10 others this year. If they lose this one that's the end of the line for Norv...and hopefully he takes his idiot brother Ron with him back to wherever they came from. 31-10 Chargers

Philadelphia @ NY Giants: Donovan McNabb looks like he's found a go-to guy in Kevin Curtis and Brian Westbrook makes me a very happy fantasy owner. They should toy with the Giants all night...30-14 Eagles

New England @ Cincinnati: People usually assume that the Bengals running game won't do much but now that starting RB Rudi Johnson is out with a strained hamstring, Carson Palmer is going to have to throw for about 450 yards and 4 TD's if the Bengals have any prayer. 37-17 Patriots

Worst Race EVER

That's right, Mark DeRosa. Your Cubs are pissing away every chance you have against the Marlins to take the N.L. Shit-tral. Needing a solid performance from Jason Marquis, the right hander gave up his predictable 4 earned runs as usual over 5 innings, and left the game down 5-4. While the Cubs' offense did it's job against starter Douche McShmuckbag, you'd swore the Marlins bullpen included Nolan Ryan, Sandy Koufax, Whitey Ford, Goose Gossage, Bruce Sutter, Lee Smith, and hell even the Eck. In reality, it was seven clowns who wandered in off the streets of Miami to hold the Cubs to three hits for the rest of the game.

If that's not bad enough, just take a look at what the fast-fading Brewers accomplished in St. Louis. I don't care what a great job this team has done this season. There's no fucking excuses for what a jackass Ned Yost has been this past week. The dumbass has been kicked out of three of their last four games, with the culmination coming last night in the eighth inning. After Cardinal pitcher Brad "Mommy, I stuck my toy tonka truck up my ass during my official MLB.com photo!" Thompson drilled Prince Fielder earlier on in the second for retaliation last night from a close pitch to Pujols, Yost had Seth McClung come into the game to drill Pujols with the bases empty. Both Yost and McClung, who "claimed" the pitch got away from him were ejected, and so too was the one run lead. The Cardinals put up four in the eighth to win comfortably 7-3.

How in the fuck are you going to let the "unwritten rules of baseball" interfere with you taking the division for the first time in 25 years?! Now they weren't in the lead at the time when this happened, but what they did do was piss off the Cardinals which in turn led to them rallying some run support. Absolutely terrible mananging. I don't care what you call it.

With both teams losing as usual, the North Siders' magic number dropped to three. All I know is this. If the Cubs have the chance to clinch the central tomorrow night, you're damn sure I'm going to be either in Lincoln Park or Wrigleyville. Think of all those schmucks handing out free booze simply because you utter one of the following words in no particular order:

THEY DID IT!
CUBBIES!
FUCKING (INSERT PLAYER NAME HERE), BRO!
2007
PLAYOFFS
OUR YEAR
GO
JERSEY
SHIRT
WRIGLEY
BASEBALL
SANTO
KASPER
BRENLY

I think you get the hint. The Doctor will be drinking free all night long; so in the words of Lou Piniella "Go Cubs Win", even if I am a Sox fan.

Week 4 Picks from the Doctor

Happy thirsty Thursday. Thursday's are usually good days; everyone's upbeat about the upcoming weekend. However, today is a special Thursday. Tonight begins season 4 of The Office, the best show on TV period. I think outside of HBO shows it's the only one I watch. 30 Rock is ok, it has it moments, but I bore quickly with it. Anyways, here's my Week 4 picks, and they are approved by the Assistant Regional Manager Dwight K. Schrute.

Green Bay @ Minnesota: The Pack stays undefeated. What's worst, Kelly Holcomb at Quarterback or the Cubs in Florida? 24-13 Packers

Baltimore @ Cleveland: Jamal Lewis probably had this date circled in his personal planner. While I think he'll give a good performance, it's still the Browns. 27-10 Ravens

Chicago @ Detroit: Even with Griese at QB now, there's bigger concerns in my mind. Number #1 being a rookie named Trumaine McBride starting at corner for Peanut Tillman. The O-line sucks, Benson would rather wear his hat then his helmet, and the D is decimated. Once again, I'm biased and I don't give a fuck. 28-24 Bears

St. Louis @ Dallas: If Romo doesn't put up 300+ and 3 TD's for my fantasy team I'm going to be pissed because there's no excuses for not being able to. St. Louis was picked by alot "experts" to contend, and with their injuries coupled with the fact they suck, I'm smelling a 5-11 season. 42-14 Cowboys

Oakland @ Miami: Daunte Culpepper will be taking the reins with Josh McCown out. I'm almost somewhat interested to see how he does. Not really, but mildly intrigued. 20-17 Dolphins

New York Jets @ Bills: The Bills have to win at some point this season. Just not this week. 23-6 Jets

Houston @ Atlanta: No Andre Johnson or Ahman Green, no problem. 21-7 Texans

Seattle @ S.F.: Here's comes the real test for San Fran. Alex Smith will show everyone whether he's joining the failed Rexperiment train or that he can win ballgames. I still like Seattle though, that 49er offense is as bad as the Bears. 31-21 Seahawks

Tampa Bay @ Carolina: This should be a good game between the two NFC South front runners. Delhomme is day to day at this point, with Mr. Mittens waiting in the wings. I'm not sure who I want to go with in this one, but I'll take the home team. 31-24 Panthers

Denver @ Indianapolis: Cutler is getting better, but I don't think Denver has enough offensively to match the Colts. 28-17 Colts

Kansas City @ San Diego: San Diego gets the perfect rebound team to get back to .500 35-14 Chargers

Pittsburgh @ Arizona: I heard on Mac, Jurko and Harry yesterday driving home that both Mac and Harry like Arizona in this one. I would gladly bet both of them were I given the opportunity. 34-13 Steelers

Philadelaphia @ New York Giants: I don't put much stock in the Giants' D. However, Westbrook is day to day with that abdominal strain, and that has to drain his ability to hit the cutback lanes. I think Correll Buckhalter can get it done, and as along as they can protect McNabb I think Philly sneaks out with a win. 24-21 Eagles

New England @ Cincinnati: Hopefully this is the best MNF football game to date because they've been pretty weak so far. Nevertheless, Moss will most likely have another rediculous game. 41-31 Patriots

Way to Go Wednesday

This week has produced a lot of comedic fodder for bloggers like myself to poke fun at. So far we've seen a pro athlete get suplexed by his coach and subsequently tearing his ACL; we've also seen grown men subjected to hilarious childish torture; and even some good, old-fashioned cross dressing.

After much deliberation (during a sales meeting mind you) the Way to Go Wednesday Award goes to...




Marc Ecko

The NY fashion king has successfully done what every sports fan outside of San Francisco would have done if we had $752,467 in cash. Ecko, in all his wisdom, bought Barry Bonds' record-breaking 756 home run ball and put it up for fans to decide what to do with it. Although I would have gotten a good laugh out of watching the ball launched into outer space, I'd gladly see the ball sit in the Baseball Hall of Fame forever - stamped with a nice, big asterisk.

This way, everyone who ever visits the Hall of Fame will learn about how Barry Bonds is a worthless piece of shit who injected himself with anything and everything to make his muscles bigger and his testicles smaller.

Way to go Marc Ecko - your stock just raised a notch in my book. You're at notch one.




_________________________________________________________

Now it's time for the Way to Go Wednesday Award for being a total and complete fuckhead. This week's winner took the stereotypical professional athlete's "me first" stance and ran with it all the way around the world...stopping only once to punch a baby.

Way to Go Shawn Marion - you greedy son of a bitch.

Marion, a Chicago native, and possessor of the ugliest shot in the NBA, has reportedly demanded a trade from the Phoenix Suns. Even though he was due to make $16.4 million in 2007 and $17.8 million on his current MAXIMUM-level contract, Marion doesn't think that he is being paid enough for his "I won't go further than the 3-point line unless it's on a fast break" services.

I hope new Suns General Manager Steve Kerr brings you into his office and bitches your whiny ass out - then tells you that your role this year will be stretching Steve Nash's back out during TV timeouts.

Seriously Shawn Marion - shut the fuck up and play - you're making a ridiculous amount of money to travel the country and play a sport where nobody tries for 75% of the time anyway.

Magic Number Stands at 4

Jason Marquis takes the mound tonight looking for 13th win this season against some jackass named Daniel Barone who I know nothing about. So far on the month, Marquis is 2-0 with an ERA at 4.88, which ballooned thanks to giving up seven runs in 2.2 IP to the Pirates Friday. Meanwhile, Barone has only pitched 37.1 innings this year and has given up 10 round trippers. I have a feeling there's going to be some bombs tonight.

The Brew Crew meanwhile trot 8-4 Carlos Villanueva out to the mound to face Brad "I look like a fucking tool in official MLB.com photo" Thompson. Judging by the look on this guys face the Cubs better win because he looks like he'll shit himself on the mound with joy if he strikes somebody out.

If anyone gives a shit, which I doubt they do, Jon Garland on the other side of town makes his final start of the year, trying to reach double digit wins for the sixth year in a row. Somebody please take the White Sox 2007 season in the backyard and shoot in the head, Ron Mexico is too high to answer my phone calls.

My Vick Rant

Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and dog enthusiast Mike Vick got caught doing some more illegal shit when tests came back positive for marijuana in a urine sample from earlier this month. While this might be the least of his concerns right now, (if I were him I'd want to escape reality too right now) Vick is not helping any potential comeback chances to the NFL.

Vick is now sentenced to home confinement, which includes an ankle bracelet that he has to pay for, as well as random uring and sweat testing. I wonder how many little kids who paid money for your jerseys are still yearning to be you now Mike. After all the lawyer fees, fines, and court mandated expenses you're going to be lucky to be able to afford a roof over your marijuana-filled head. This is all your fault Mike - you had everything and you decided you'd rather act like Snoop.


I have been stewing over my thoughts on the whole Vick issue ever since people started treating him like he was a mass-murdering antichrist. I was never one of those people who were anti-Vick, even afer all the dogfighting news surfaced (literally)...too soon? Maybe it's because I've never owned a dog, or maybe I'm just a son of a bitch but it just seemed like everyone needed to take their mind off the real tragedies facing the world right now (the shitstorm in the Middle East, Darfur, and college shootings). Sports are a way of taking our mind off of these everyday issues in order to entertain and divert our attention.

So rather than deal with the real problems, people enjoy it when "enemies" like Mike Vick get in trouble because it allows them to feel better about themselves. Mike Vick is not a model American - I don't think you could get anyone to agree with that statement. However, there have been plenty of athletes accused and convicted of crimes that go far beyond dogfighting. Michael Vick never raped anybody, he never tried to kill anybody, and he never succeeded in literally murdering anybody.

What Michael Vick did with the dogfighting was against the law - he should be punished just like anyone else who has ever been accused of running an illegal dogfighting ring. But do you think he will be punished the same as if some schmuck from Bumfuck, Alabama got pinched for the same crimes? No fucking way.

It's a shame that all this has happened because Vick was such a tremendous athlete. Mike Vick has only himself to blame - I'm sure he realizes the magnitude of his personal problems by now, maybe that is what led him to drug abuse. Are you really going to think any lower of Vick now that you learned he really does smoke marijuana on occasion? How many of you can honestly say you haven't tried it before? Look at yourselves before you so harshly judge people in the public eye because it's easier than judging the value of your own character.

It's Official: Griese in, Terrorist Out

What was your favorite moment of the Rex Grossman era? For Rex, it would probably be right after Hester took the opening kickoff to the house in Super Bowl XLI. I'm sure he had his big doofus smile in full effect thinking, gee this is great, I don't have to do anything and were winning! For me, that would have to be just minutes ago as Lovie confirmed that which we all found out yesterday. Brian Griese is finally in. Now, I saw Signal 2 Noise's article about his time in Denver, and believe us, we here at Chicago Bull don't see the guy parting the Red Sea. If you look at his career numbers, he has a 9% advantage in the comp. pct. column. That's all we ask for. Someone who can throw the fucking ball at the numbers. Granted, it won't always be the right numbers, but look at this way:

You can't honestly believe that team backed him up anymore. The receivers looked like they were running their routes on a beach instead of grass, and the defense has racked up quite a number of injuries because they knew they couldn't count on Grossman's arm. The season is only 3 games in, so this is the perfect time to abandon ship on the Rexperiment. The NFC north match-ups begin this week, and winning the division is the only thing that should be on the Bears' mind. I honestly hope the guy does well somewhere else. For all his misgivings he meant well. So let's use the standard break-up line and bid adieu to the Sex Cannon. This is not going to work out, but I want still want to be friends though, Rex.

R.I.P. Bill Wirtz

William Wirtz, the longstanding owner of the Chicago Blackhawks, died today at the age of 77. It's too bad the Blackhawks have been dead for over a decade now. Some people in Chicago may have actually cared then. I've been thinking about this since I heard the news, and I ask you to name a team that has alienated it's fanbase more over the past 20 years than the Chicago Blackhawks.

If Blackhawks fans are lucky, they might get to see 20 away games in an entire season. That's thanks to an exclusive home season pay-per-view package which as far as I know is the only team in professional sports to have such a deal. Yep, every year I just cant wait to plunk down a C-note on one of the shittiest teams in a defunct league. I'm willing to bet you could poll a 100 people today in the streets of Chicago, and maybe 3 would be able to name more then 1 Blackhawk on the current roster. That's because they bring in names like Andrei Zyuzin and Kevyn Adams (nice spelling of KEVIN douchebag). To quote one of the best sports movies of all time: "Who are these fucking guys?".

It's hard to believe the Blackhawks were once a proud franchise that was embraced by the City. Names like Makita, Hull, Esposito, and Orr come to mind. As a member of the Original Six NHL teams in 1926, the Blackhawks have three Stanley Cup and 13 Division Title banners hanging in the United Center. However, the last time they won the Cup was 1961, which is the longest current drought in the NHL.

Could you imagine if Bears' home games were blacked out on TV in Chicago? I'm talking from a standpoint of popularity at it's height only, as there are no other comparisons besides that. That's what this now-foreign team used to mean to the Windy City. And just like it's owner, it slowly wilted away, eventually to the point of non-existence. Bill Wirtz should be recognized for all the charitable work he contributed during his tenure, but in the end none of that matters to the average fan. And neither will his team any time soon.

NFL Standings after Week 3 and Analysis

What is it you'd say...you do around here? Me, not a whole fucking lot. If I didn't have this to do during my day I'd have probably gone postal by now. Not really, but sort of. Moving forward, here's the standings between Noce and I:


STANDINGS

Dr.C: 29-17 (HATE THAT NUMBER AS A BEARS FAN 9-7 last week)
Noce: 28-18 (8-8)

Individual Performance of the Week: A lot of players put up Madden-type number last week, but overall I'd have to go with McNabb. If the Eagles would have dropped to 0-3 against the Lions their season would have pretty much been over. He needed a game like this.

Most Impressive Team: The mother fucking Packers. My two jerkoff friends that are Pack fans are reveling in the fact they're 3-0 and the Bears are 1-2. Congratulations fuck-o's, you've won 3 football games. You've still got plenty of season left and even if you were to make it to the playoffs you'd get your asses whipped. So enjoy it while it lasts.

Least Impressive Team: Definitely San Diego. Norv Turner makes Eddie Mush from A Bronx Tale look like Sam fuckin Rothstein in his prime.

24 - Brian Griese Is Jack Bauer

There's 24 hours until the end of the Bears season. Evil Terrorist Rex Al-Grossman-bin Nothrow has infiltrated and brainwashed Lovie Smith, the free leader of the Chicago Bears. His immediate demands, although dimwittedly spoken, are to rule an offensive arsenal (not really but play along) so explosive it could even make Mike Martz blush. With no help in sight to stop this heinous act, it falls on one man to save the Bears...(Cue dramatic music, shadow his face on the left side making him seem like a badass)

BRIAN GRIESE

Yes, that's a deadly weapon in his hand. Brian seems mild-mannered enough, but deep beneath the surface lies the anger towards Rex Al-Grossman-bin Nothrow. He has watched helplessly as bin Nothrow has fed the ball to other Chicago Bear enemies. He has heard bin Nothrow spread his prophecy that he is the chosen one for the Chicago Bears, and the public accepted it at the time. But Rex is weak now, and the people demand answers. Lets start the clock:

9:16:01 AM: Brian tends to pancakes for his daughter while collecting his intel from a man code named ORTON. ORTON informs Griese where and when Al-Grossman bin Nothrow will be tonight. Griese contemplates his next move over a glass of orange juice.

10:34:27 AM: Al-Grossman bin Nothrow is staring at the ceiling. He is supposed to be watching tape of his next opponent to better his chances at succeeding. Instead, he is thinking about how he wishes his last name was McLovin'. To make sure his plans of manipulation are met tonight, he calls Lovie to arrange a secret meeting. Rex has no idea that Griese will be coming for him, armed and dangerous (cue dramatic showdown music).

12:47:22 PM: ORTON has picked up a reading on the movements of Rex. ORTON has spotted him near a Lake Forest shopping center picking up his shipment of Jack Daniels. It appears Rex has bought tape and wire. This is not to hold himself together. This is exactly what he needs to attach his bomb to Lovie. They will be meeting tonight it appears. ORTON picks up his cell phone to inform Brian of the new developments. Griese lets it go to voicemail as he's in the men's department of Macy's shopping for ties.

2:17:30 PM: Griese is done shopping, and done playing games. His new gold tie is in place, and he's ready for action. He gets ORTON's voicemail, and heads to Halas Hall in hopes beating the information out of Al-Grossman bin Nothrow's cronies. Ahead in the corner of the locker room, he spots Mushin Muhammad, a Rex loyalist and antichrist in the making. The situation unfolds as so:



GRIESE: WHERE IS REX MEETING LOVIE?
MUHAMMAD: I WILL NEVER TELL! AL-GROSSMAN, AL-GROSSMAN, AL-GROSSMAN BIN-NOTHROW.
GRIESE: WHERE IS HE NOW!!
MUHAMMAD: YOU'LL NEVER STOP REX! HA-BAK-ULAH HAK SHERPA SHERPA!
(A FIGHT BREAKS OUT, MUHAMMAD PUNCHES GRIESE, GRIESE GETS PISSED AND SHOOTS HIM IN THE HAND)

GRIESE: TELL ME WHERE HE IS GOING OR I WILL SHOOT YOUR OTHER HAND!
MUHAMMAD: NEVER, NEVER!
(GRIESE SHOOTS HIM IN THE OTHER HAND)
MUHAMMAD: BASTARD! HE'S MEETING HIM IN DICK'S SPORTING GOODS IN GLENVIEW.
GRIESE: YOU HAVE MADE A WISE DECISION.
(News Ticker: Bears label Mushin Muhammad doubtful for Sunday's game, Chicago rejoices)

8:52:57 PM: After returning home for dinner with the family, (which his wife undercooked, giving him indigestion = An even more pissed off Griese) Brian heads to the Glenview parking lot and waits for the two parties to arrive. Al-Grossman bin Nothrow gets dropped by his wife at the front door, accompanied by Olin Kreutz-Fingerwaveskya a known Russian Mafia member. Lovie is dragged in by Pep Hamilton, another Rex Loyalist.

9:03:25 PM: Pep is meeting and greeting the people walking in a as clever PR ploy, and Griese knows this. However, since Pep Hamilton obviously never coaches the quarterbacks - hence why the suck, Griese slips past Pep with no problem. In a predictable Al-Grossman bin Nothrow move, the three are talking next a rack of footballs. Griese is ready, and he makes his move as follows:



GRIESE: I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS, REX!
REX: (POINTING) IT IS GRIESE! KREUTZ-FINGERWAVESKYA, BLOCK HIM FROM COMING NEAR ME!
(KREUTZ-FINGERWAVESKYA RUNS OUT TO BLOCK GRIESE, BUT GRIESE GIVES HIM A QUICK SWIM MOVE, WHICH ALWAYS WORKS ON KREUTZ).

REX: NOOOO! I WILL TAKE YOU OUT MYSELF!
(REX GRABS FOOTBALL AFTER FOOTBALL, BUT KEEPS THROWING IT AT HIS FEET DESPITE HIS CLOSING DISTANCE).
GRIESE: YOUR REIGN IS OVER!
(GRIESE KICKS AL-GROSSMAN BIN-NOTHROW IN HIS SURGICALLY REPAIRED ANKLE, DROPPING THE BEFUDDLED BEAR).
REX: LOVIE, PLEASE HELP ME!
LOVIE:TURNS TO GRIESE REX IS OUR QUARTERBACK...REX IS OUR QUARTERBACK
(GRIESE REALIZES THIS IS NOTHING BUT A ROBOT, AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE).
LOVIE: OWW, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
GRIESE: MY APOLOGIES COACH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROBOT.
LOVIE: WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING, I FEEL LIKE I WAS BRAINWASHED...

GRIESE: YOU WERE. THIS MAN IS NOT WHO YOU THOUGHT HE WAS. HE IS IN FACT REX AL-GROSSMAN BIN-NOTHROW, A WELL KNOWN TERRORIST GIVING AWAY BOMBS TO OUR ENEMIES. HE HAS BEEN USING YOU TO GAIN RESOURCES TO BUILD THE ULTIMATE BOMB: A MULTI-YEAR CONTRACT. IT IS I, BRIAN GRIESE WHO HAS SAVED YOU FROM THIS ATTROCITY.
LOVIE: WELL THEN, THAT'S IT...GRIESE IS OUR QUARTERBACK.

10:37:12 PM: Resting comfortbaly in bed watching Letterman, Griese has ended this terrorist's reign. Rex has been defeated, and is mostly likely sniffing glue in the parking lot of a Staples wondering how he went wrong.

12:00:00 PM WEDNESDAY

LOVIE: WERE 1-2, AND GRIESE IS NOW OUR QUARTERBACK

Sylvester Sharpe

Although Shannon looks more like a horse then a Cat per se, just listen to each of them speak (fast forward to 4:56 for a good Sylvester line). If the CBS ever decides to let him go, I've got your next job already lined up, pal.

Where Do I Begin?

Fuck you, Bears Offense! During the entire preseason, the Chicago sports media hyped how great the offense looks, and how it was going to be better then last year's, and how the Bears would be waltzing again to the Super Bowl. The only waltzing on the field I see is Wrecks meeting the d-line of the opponents, or Cedric Benson pacing himself for another 2 yard gain. Un-fucking-believable. I haven't checked my fantasy league yet because I'm soo pissed, and that's a first. I have my certain morning rituals upon arriving to work (of course working isn't one of them), and they have been ruined. Another fuck you to the Bears Offense.

Seeing as how I could fly off the handle on pretty much everybody who had bears jerseys or headsets on the sidelines, I'll try to itemize it now and go from there. Last night felt like P.E. in second grade when I got kicked in balls and dropped for everyone to see and laugh at. Fuck that girl too, with her wide ass foot that got both of my boys.

- Lovie Smith
- Wrecks
- Ron Turner
- Mushin Muhammad
- Cedric Benson
- Bob Babich

Alright, we'll start with where it all begins. How in the fuck are you going to go to a postgame press conference and after watching Wrecks put a QB rating of 27 say the famous line "Rex is our Quarterback". Were you stoned, Lovie? I'm trying to understand if you were watching the same game America was. That must be some G13 you got your hands on. One caller this morning on the Mike North Morning show brought up a great point. Matt Leinart was benched in the middle of the Cardinals-Ravens game in favorite of Kurt Warner because he wasn't getting the job. Warner responded with two touchdowns, giving the Cardinals a chance to win the game. Why can't the Bears do that? Because it makes too much sense? Or because Lovie the Lemming has to follow the leader over the fucking cliff. You know why he doesn't bench him? Because the mental midget will never be the same, the team won't have confidence in him ever again, and the Lovie the Lemming will be criticized for sticking with him for so long. Too fucking late, Lovie. Your defense is overcompensating for the offense because of your stubbornness, and that's why the injuries are mounting.

Wrecks. You suck, pal. Why do you think you were drafted 22nd? Because you can't move in the pocket, you have no confidence in your ability, and your lack of size hurts your vision to hit your targets. Now, I have no idea of the amount of pressure in the NFL because I've obviously never played, and you have done well at times despite your party plans for new years and all. But you are too inconsisent, and probably will never be able to overcome that. I rooted for you to do well, and you too have kicked me in the nuts for all to see.

Ron Turner: What the hell are you doing on offense? Oh wait, you don't know either? Sweet. This is supposed to be a running team that works the pass through their play action. I couldn't even tell you what the hell were doing other then just covering eyes and picking a random play hoping that works. The middle of the field has been wide open all year, and the Bears are still throwing to out and hook patterns. USE THE DAMN TIGHT ENDS, THAT WHY YOU DRAFTED OLSEN. Jerks.

Mushin Muhammad: Just how many damn passes you plan on dropping, Moose? You sure as shit are slow as a moose. If you want to be incorporated into the offense more, take a mental note. Run your fucking routes fully every play and hold onto the ball when and if it comes your way.

Cedric Benson: Your wish came true. You didn't like Thomas Jones, and you wanted to be the man. He's in New York rushing for 100 yards, and you're in Chicago barely breaking 40 last night. Curtis Enis jr. here needs to start earning his paycheck before he ends up like Rashaan Salaam.

Bob Babich: You're only one who I'm not entirely pissed at. The Defense held L.T. and L.J. to just under 70 yards rushing, and they have been blitzing alot more which I like. However, I don't like the fact that we never switch out of the Cover 2. Grow some balls here, Bob. Tell Lovie were getting smoked in coverage, and switch to man to man, if not only for a couple plays. Remember the Colts dinking and dunking their way to Super Bowl XLI glory? That's exactly what happened last night; Romo would wait for his receivers to find the open coverages, and he hit them. Something needs to change. The league knows how to beat the Bears' D, and if nothing is done, the Bears too will be nothing.

Alright, I'm spent. Brian Griese, your table is ready.

This isn't Russia...is this Russia?

Andrei Kirilenko wants out of Utah. Who can blame him? The Salt Lake Tribune reported Thursday that Kirilenko told reporters in Mother Russia he has had enough of Jerry Sloan's bullshit and is even ready to walk away from his $63M contract if they don't trade him.

"I am prepared to go without it,'' Kirilenko told the Sport Express newspaper. "This is a lot of money, even for an NBA club. So what. Maybe this money could go to pay for more players or for something else."

If that isn't Communism in its purest form, I don't know what is. Kirilenko does have a pretty legit gripe with Utah considering his production has decreased every year since his All-Star season in 2003-04. The noted swinger has seen a decrease in minutes per game, points per game, and just about every other statistical category and would probably be better off playing somewhere else in the NBA.

If Utah were smart they would try to trade Kirilenko now, while his worth is still high. I crunched some numbers (damn you Collective Bargaining Agreements) and came up with a trade that I could actually see working. The Jazz could trade Kirilenko and forward Paul Milsap to the Lakers for Lamar Odom.

Kirlenko is scheduled to make $13,735,000 in 2007, Milsap $687,456. The Lakers have about had it with Odom and since he is scheduled to make $13,248,596 in 2007, they would actually be saving money because this would take away $1,173,860 from their current payroll of $70,532,242 - which is already $14,902,742 OVER the cap as it is. This is most likely chump change to the Lakers, as I'm sure they can afford to pay the luxury tax in the profits from #24 jerseys alone.

However, I do think this trade would work. Kirilenko would relish the opportunity to play alongside with Kobe Bryant and the Jazz still get a productive forward who can potentially average 20 points a game.

If I were Kirilenko, I'd take the $63 Million, sit my ass on the Utah bench, and think about which supermodel I want to take home to the wife tonight - not bitch about wanting to play with a "spark". But he is a commie - and those bastards sure are unpredictable.

Friday Links

Kudos to Bob Uecker for adding another notch in his broadcasting belt - he's being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Take your rightful place next to American Heroes such as Chief Jay Strongbow and The Iron Sheik. [100% Injury Rate]

Jay Glazer might soon feel the wrath of Corporate America [Awful Announcing]

Because when I think of steroid users, I think of John Daly and other PGA players [Sons of Sam Malone]

The NHL is back! ...in blog form. [Doberman on the Diamond]

Rickey Henderson thinks the Mets' implosion has nothing to do with Rickey Henderson. [With Leather]

F-Yeah Friday

Every man would have liked to wake up this morning looking into the eyes of Erin Andrews. Damn the pillow I was spooning with for making me think fantasy became reality. Until she stops playing these lovers games, I can't think of a better way to wake up and start your Friday then a 3 minute montage of E.A. Please pay attention to the half way marker at 1:30...lord knows I'll be repeating that part a few more times today. Please thank Noce for this great find - you're a true friend to the John Does of America.

Week 3 is always better than 1

Alright I only have a short time to do this before I can get out of here and ride the Short Bus that is the 'EL' home to the Loop. Here's the Week 3 predictions:

Minnesota @ Kansas City: "We play to win the game" - Herm Edwards. Apparently that game is Madden '08 in the locker room because the Chiefs haven't won anything this year. 20-10 Vikings

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay: I've seen wasted sorority girls play better defense than the Rams. Tampa Bay runs all over the field in this one. 27-21 Bucs

San Francisco @ Pittsburgh: The 49ers are just like the Bears except Frank Gore could shit better runs than Cedric Benson's. Here's my upset special of the week. 28-24 49ers.

Detroit @ Philadelphia: If Kitna can't play the game is up for grabs but with Kitna the Lions have to have the edge. Also - no Brian Dawkins makes Philly fans something something... 24-17 Lions

Indianapolis @ Houston: Matt Schaub is good, but he's no Peyton Manning. 37-27 Colts

San Diego @ Green Bay: The stupid, cheese-eating, milk-drinking, Chevy driving, cow tipping jerks will be reminded of what a Super Bowl contending team looks like. This should be a good litmus test for how the Packers and Bears compare. 31-7 Chargers

Buffalo @ New England: The Bills have been strong against the Pats in recent years and I'd like to hope they can play them tough this year, but I really don't see that happening. 35-13 Patriots

Miami @ NY Jets: Let the battle of the AFC East bastard children begin! You couldn't pay me to watch this game - and I have NFL Sunday Ticket. 17-12 Dolphins

Arizona @ Baltimore: Willis McGahee scores two TD's and Matt Leinart gets hurt trying to tackle Ed Reed after throwing a pick. 24-17 Ravens

Cincinnati @ Seattle: This is a pretty big game for the Seahawks if they want to prove they are a contender in the NFC West. They'll lose though, furthering the notion that the NFC has nothing on the AFC. 28-14 Bengals

Cleveland @ Oakland: This game is going to be all about Jamal Lewis and LaMont Jordan - the RB with the better day will be victorious. 24-16 Raiders

Carolina @ Atlanta: Steve Smith is going to be facing his toughest Cornerback to date in DeAngelo Hall. The longer the Panther offense is on the field (which could be a long time considering Atlanta's offense blows), the more opportunities there are for Smith to break one loose. 31-10 Panthers

NY Giants @ Washington: The Redskins looked pretty good Monday against the Eagles, I'll give them that. But seeing as I'm not expecting Philly to win more than 6 games this year, I'll wait until I call the Redskins a contender. I'll still take them at home against the banged up Giants. 20-17 Redskins

Dallas @ Chicago: This is it Rex. This is your last shot to prove you can compete at a high level against an elite team on a national stage. If you want a new contract and a starting job - you best throw some mother fucking touchdowns and make Ron Zook proud. 28-27 Bears on a Robbie Gould FG (he's so dreamy)

Tennessee @ New Orleans: There's some crazy shit going on in Louisiana these days - and I'm not talking about the Jena 6. The Saints are realizing they are supposed to stink and disappoint - last year was a fluke. 27-17 Titans

NFL Week 3 Picks

This clip has nothing to do with the NFL. I just found it out under broken leg on youtube and got a good laugh. Anyways, last week was pretty rough even though Noce and myself were above .500. More importantly, I gained the one game deficit back, and we're back to where we started from.

DR.C: 20-10 (9-6 last week)
Noce: 20-10 (8-7 last week)

Let's dive into the picks...

Minnesota @ Kansas City: I don't see Kansas City winning any time soon. 17-6 Vikings

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay: St. Louis' O-line is in shambles, and I think Tampa's Defense is still good enough to rattle Bulger. 24-17 Bucs

San Francisco @ Pittsburgh: Say goodbye to your undefeated season, San Fran. 28-13 Steelers

Detroit @ Philadelphia: I'm not sure how seriously I can take Detroit. I keep waiting for the apparition to show up, and I don't think it's happening this week. I'm banking on Kitna supposedly having no lingering effects, so we'll see. 28-17 Lions

Indianapolis @ Houston: While Houston has been the biggest surprise in my mind this year, I don't they'll take down Indy. Of course, I would have bet the bank on Cincinnati last week, so anything is possible. 41-20 Colts

San Diego @ Green Bay: I'm hoping this one is on locally here in Chicago so I can watch those fudge Packers lose. I will be cheering San Diego on lovingly...let's go L.T. 49-3 Chargers

Buffalo @ New England: If you can't beat Pittsburgh, you sure as shit aren't beating the Pats. 38-10 Patriots

Miami @ New York Jets: You can label this one under the I don't give a flying fuck section of my mental file cabinet. 17-13 Jets
Arizona @ Baltimore: Wait, keep that file cabinet open, I have another entry. 29-9 Ravens

Cincinnati @ Seattle: My mind says Seattle, my gut tells me Cincinnati. Gotta go with the gut even though Cincinnati plays as good as D as Stephen Hawking can. 31-21 Bengals

Cleveland @ Oakland: Both teams suck, so this isn't an easy choice. I'm going to go with Oakland; they're defense is decent enough and if they stick with Lamont Jordan they can control the clock to victory. 20-10 Raiders

Carolina @ Atlanta: My heart goes out to those who have to face Steve Smith in fantasy this week...you will not be pleased with the outcome. 38-6 Panthers

New York Giants @ Washington: I like how Jason Campbell is looking after watching MNF. He seems pretty poised moving around in the pocket, and he makes good decisions and decent throws. With that said, I'll take the 'Skins. 24-17 Redskins

Dallas @ Chicago: I'm obviously looking forward to this game considering the damn name of the blog. Here's what I'll be looking for: How does Romo handle the Bears front 7? Can Grossman go an entire game with making 1 measly fucking mistake? (probably not), and if and when he does, how does he recover with a national audience watching? The non-Bear fan in me says Dallas wins by aFG, but I'm biased and I don't give a fuck...BEARSSSSS 28-24 Bears

Tennessee @ New Orleans: That home opener is going to be louder then an Al-Qaeda terrorist camp being deprived of snack and Allah hour. 31-17 Saints

Way To Go Wednesday

I saw this on Deadspin, so I figured I would start off with the acknowledgement. Yes, I am a proud alumnus of Southern Illinois University (GO DAWGS), but I did not pull a Glenn Poshard here. With that said, this protesting father has pulled a first ever on our Way To Wednesday salute...by earning both the nods.

Way To Go protesting UM Father/fan. You've had it with Lloyd Carr, and so have I. That guy has been blowing every Ohio St. and bowl game match-up he's had in the 21st century, and not having your kids ready to play Appie St. is proof of it. Now, I saw Salty D's rant on 100% IR about those people who are Michigan fans that don't live in Michigan, and I thought it was funny because I am one of those people. Who would you rather root for growing up: Tshimanga Biakabutuka or Robert Holcombe? (like that's any fun to say) Michigan is going to blow until Carr goes, and it's time Michigan A.D. Bill Martin does something about it. Way To Go, Dude, stick it to the Man!

On the other end...why the fuck couldn't you burn your fucking hat? Do you have to be that cruel to burn your daughter's, you cheap ass?! Look, I get it, you're pissed about this season, and I don't like it very much either. But to tape that while you're daughter watches you do it is step below shooting the family dog in front of her. Maybe I'm better off not being a Michigan fan for several reasons, and you're at the top of my list. Way To Go, you heartless JAG-OFF!!!!

Peavy for Cy Young, His Liver for Cirrhosis

I have to be honest, I went into this post with the intentions of glorifying the numbers Aaron Harang has put up this year on a team that is 13 games below .500, and that he should be getting a serious look from voters for the N.L. Cy Young award even though Peavy clearly deserves it. Shame on me. Call me whatever name puts a smile on your face. All I was saying is that he should receive some mention...anyways, after doing some stat research, I had no idea how bad San Diego's offense sucks, and I'm assuming most of U.S. outside of N.L. West followers do either.

Here's a statistical breakdown of how brutal the Padre's bats are:

Runs Scored: 24th
Hits: 28th (although 12th in 2B and 14th in 3B thanks to Petco)
HR: 18th
RBI: 25th
SO: 4th
SB: 27th
OBP: 27th
AVG: 27th

In contrast, here's the Reds' numbers:

Runs Scored: 10th
Hits: 13th
HR: 3rd
RBI: 12th
SO: 13th
SB: 14th
OBP: T-11th
AVG: 15th

As you can see, the Reds are better in every category, which is when I completely threw the brakes on what I was doing. My hat is off to Peavy; I can't think anyone I've ever watch pitch who has more movement on their 2-seamer. Maddux is pretty close, but nowhere near the velocity. Here's how the two pitchers stack up against each other. Good year Harang, but you have nothing on Mr. Jagermeister. Now go get him another bottle.

Jake Peavy: 18-6, 2.39, 225 K's, 203 IP, 0 CG, 0 SHO, 151 H, 10 HR, 61 BB
Aaron Harang: 16-4, 3.61, 198 K's, 216.2 IP, 2 CG, 1 SHO, 194 H, 25 HR, 51 BB

Looking Ahead to 2008: White Sox

R.I.P. 2007 White Sox season. By far the most disappointing season I can ever remember in my mind. With the season thankfully ending soon, and Tuesday giving me nothing to think about in terms of sports, I've decided to look ahead to the 2008 season in terms of what needs to be corrected for the South Siders to get back in contention of a very competitive A.L. Central. I'll start first by bullet pointing the main concerns, and then I'll go through what I would do were I Kenny Williams....

- Bullpen/Rotation

- Leadoff Hitter and Roster make-up

Let's start first with the most glaring issue in my mind: the awful bullpen and underperforming starting pitching that you couldn't trust at any point in the game (This does not apply to Buehrle or Vazquez, which is remarkable considering his 06' campaign). Only 1/3rd of the pitching staff that has logged at least 10 IP has an ERA lower then 5. Pathetic. To give an idea of they stacked up against the league, here's the stats:

Team ERA: 28th
Runs Allowed: 23rd
Hits Allowed: 23rd
HR's Allowed: 23rd
K's: 23rd
WHIP: 23rd

Alright, that's enough proof right there. Buehrle and Vazquez turned in great season considering the run support given to them over the year (28th). Contreras is still on the verge of becoming the first Sox pitcher since 86' to lose 17 in a season, and that's about all I have to say about that. What sucks even more is he's stated for 10 million next year, and that's hard to pawn off on a team that would be willing to take a waiver on him. Garland won 36 games in 05' and 06', but this year has struggled to get to 9 and 9. John Danks has had a rough run the past couple starts, but still looks promising in the future, and should be a solid number 4 in 08', which leaves the question mark at the fifth slot. Gavin Floyd had every advantage over Danks in Spring Training, but could never keep the ball in the park, and has shown the same problems during spot starts over the year. Now, he has looked better since he was brought back up a month ago, but the questions still loom considering the launching pad known as Comiskey.

Possible 5th Starter Replacements: Internally, Lance Broadway still might not be ready, Nick Masset has to develop more command and another pitch in order to have a chance against good hitting teams, and 1st round pick this Aaron Poreda wont be looked at until probably mid 08-2009, and that would most likely be the bullpen.

Free Agents: Randy Wolf, Jason Jennings, Matt Clement, Livan Hernandez, Kris Benson (mainly just so I could see his wife). There's obviously so more starters out there, but none really worth mentioning.

Moving onto the roster. Josh Fields has emerged as someone who needs to be out on the diamond on Opening Day. Here's his numbers through 89 games:

.234/20/63

While his average is nothing special, take a look at Joe Crede's number through his first full season (151 games)

.261/19/75

Fields already has him outpaced in homers, and would have another 62 games to catch up in average and RBI's. Not to mention that Crede also had three previous call-ups totalling 77 games before his first full season. Now, I'm not saying you trade Crede just yet, but let's hope that he comes back healthy for three reasons: #1: He is much better defensively at third then Fields. Fields is a C+ in my book, while Crede is easily an A. #2: Fields can move to left field while Crede plays third. If they don't sign Aaron Rowand, Torii Hunter or Mike Cameron, you'd be looking at Jerry Owens leading off with Fields in left. #3: If Crede comes back to his 05-06' form, he could easily be traded to a number of teams in order to fill whatever needs were present at that time.

In terms of the lead-off hitter, there's also not much of a market for one. Jerry Owens will head into the end of the year as the front runner, but he needs to improve his OBP and average in order to keep it. His 28 steals in 83 games also would predict him to be a 50+ base stealer, which is what the Sox had with Podsednik before he got hurt over and over again.

Here's what the 2008 roster looks like right now with the opening day order, or at least in my mind:

- Jerry Owens
- Danny Richar
- Jim Thome
- Paul Konerko
- Jermaine Dye
- Joe Crede
- Josh Fields
- A.J. Pierzynski
- Juan Uribe (although I pray not)

2008 Starting Pitching:

- Mark Buehrle
- Jon Garland (pending no trade)
- Javier Vazquez
- John Danks
- Anyone but Contreras

Get With The Program, Nike!

What the hell are you people waiting for? How many more fucking touchdowns does this guy have to run back before he can get some marketing campaigns? Is Devin a big talker? Hell no, but that doesnt mean you can't have him stand there and look like a badass. How about the U.S.P.S? Their slogan: Fly like an Eagle. Although he's a Bear...Bears eat Eagles, and it's all about the mascots...I digress.

If they can put all those LeBron posters around Cleveland, what's stopping the action around here? I can guarantee you people would be all for it.

Me and Noce were at the Bears home opener yesterday (BEARSSS) to watch in person #23 make Kansas Shitty look like they were on ice skates out there. You appreciate way more what he does when it's right in front of your face...amazing. Every time he walked onto the field, everyone was on their feet screaming for him.

I dont think there's any one athlete in Chicago right now that gets as much love from the crowd as he does. You can challenge me on that one too, if you want to lose

I was all for putting Hester on offense at the beginning of the year, but now I'm not so sure. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea of how to block which brings it to an 11-10 matchup. He has pretty good hands, but you can't send him over teh middle. If he were to get hurt, the Bears special teams explosiveness is gone, and so too is the reason they put any points on the board at all: field position.

If Grossman has shown anything in his injury plagued career thus far, it's that he's going to turn the ball over and make bad decisions at one point or another. Hence, by the shorter distance to go, the less of a chance the bad decision will have to made. I'm talking odds here people, not facts or anything of the sort.

Basically, my point is this: as long as Hester is lurking for opportunities on special teams, the Bears will either gain favorable field position by his return or them not kicking to him. If he's out, you're relying on mr. unreliable to win you games.

Since we have to wait 6 more days for Devin, I'll tide you over with these...ones from his days at the U, and the other from last season...enjoy...

NFL Week 2 Predictions

With the loss of Dusty Dvoracek and, more importantly Mike Brown, as far as I'm concerned the Bears' season starts now. Thank Christ that the Bears are playing the Kansas "Shitty" Chiefs this week - Benson/Grossman now is the time to get your heads out of each others asses. Onto the picks...

Buffalo vs. Pittsburgh: As a Buffalo native I still have some home town sympathy for the Bills. I'm looking for a strong showing from the Bills in support of teammate Kevin Everett. The Steelers enter as a 10-point favorite but I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Bills are going to pull this one out. 24-20 Bills

Cincinnati vs. Cleveland: The Bengals shocked the Ravens with a Monday Night victory and they should be riding high into Cleveland (is that ever possible?). This one should be a cakewalk for Carson and I'm hoping my boy T.J Houshmanzadeh scores at least two touchdowns. 31-7 Bengals

Indianapolis vs. Tennessee: I really want to pick this one as my Upset Special but I just can't trust Peyton Manning to cooperate. He's just too damn good and the Tennessee defense really scares me. 31-21 Colts

Houston vs. Carolina: I'm on the Carolina Panther bandwagon this year - they're a damn good team. I don't think Houston will be able to move the ball as successfully against Carolina as they did last week against Cleveland either. Panthers 17-10

San Francisco vs. St. Louis: If the Rams can figure out a way to stop Frank Gore from running all over them I think they have a good chance to topple the 49ers. The loss of Orlando Pace is going to limit the Rams offensively but I think they'll rally around their home crowd and edge this one out. 24-20 Rams

Green Bay vs. New York Giants: I hate to admit it, but the Packers looked pretty damn good in Week 1. Without Eli the Giants are going to be forced to rely on Jared Lorenzen, which should be pretty damn funny to watch. 21-7 Packers

Atlanta vs. Jacksonville: The Falcons have always been a great rushing team. Granted, a lot had to do with Mike Vick, but I like Jerious Norwood to run all over the porous Jaguar defense. 21-14 Falcons

New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay: The Buccaneers should be landing in Tampa Bay right about now on their way back from Seattle. I'm thinking the jet lag is going to be a bit of a problem against the Saints' high-powered offense in this one. 20-3 Saints

Minnesota vs. Detroit: This will be the first real test for both Minnesota and Detroit, as their Week 1 opponents were Atlanta and Oakland, respectively. I want to pick the Vikings but I really don't think Tarvaris Jackson scares Detroit into doing anything other than putting 8 guys in the box against rookie Adrian Peterson. 20-14 Lions

Dallas vs. Miami: Tony Romo singlehandedly kicked my fantasy team's ass in Week 1. I'm not making the mistake of betting against him again - even if he has to deal with Jason Taylor. 27-12 Cowboys

Seattle vs. Arizona: If I were in the Arizona front office I would make sure any home games before October were scheduled for 1pm - you're in the fucking desert for Christ sake! I'm looking for a big day from Edge here on the ground and through the pass. 28-21 Cardinals

New York Jets vs. Baltimore Ravens: The good news is Ray Lewis' tricep is still attached to his arm. The bad news is...well there is no real bad news - you're playing the Jets and they suck. Thomas Jones is going to feel a lot worse than he already does after getting gang raped by Ray Lewis and Co. 17-7 Ravens

Oakland vs. Denver: I have a feeling this might be closer than most people think but Denver is pretty damn good at home. 20-10 Broncos

Kansas City vs. Chicago: As I said before - the Chiefs really blow. The Bears, however, do not and they better fucking prove that on Sunday and win by at least 20. 28-0 Bears

San Diego vs. New England: I was going to go all "Spygate" on this one and say New England isn't going to be as good without their "12th man" helping them out but I really think that the Pats will be able to hold LT and Gates just as the Bears did in Week 1. 27-24 Patriots

Washington vs. Philadelphia: Donovan McNabb didn't exactly have the start he would've like to against the Packers. The Redskins have a pretty solid defense but absolutely zero offense so I'm still going to go with the Eagles. 21-10 Eagles

F-Yeah Friday

Seeing as how we haven't put links up in a while and I'm hungover as fuck at work (goodbye productivity), I'm making my goal next week to make it habit to make sure they'll be up every work day...don't ask for miracles on the weekend, if it's up, it's up. With that said, We're 106 miles from 5 o'clock in Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and were wearing sunglasses. Hit It.

Larry Johnson joins the fraternity of Rapthletes with his newest joint on myspace. Something tells me Priest Holmes won't be bumping this one on the way to Chicago...100% Injury Rate

Ever felt like throwing a football at Lee Corso's head? Well my friends, the wait is over!...Awful Announcing

Let the debate for N.L. Rookie of the Year continue...Tulowitzski or Braun?...Bugs and Cranks

Cheer up Trailblazer fans...Epic Carnival has 10 things you can look forward to despite losing Oden for the year

My Brain Says Rage takes an issue with Discovery Channel, and if you dislike Bostonians, you'll love this one...

If Walter Sobchak is a fan of baseball - and I make the assumption that he is (hence his proud tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax) - he would be a Marlins fan...With Leather

Alright, enjoy...I actually have to do something work related now...Party on, Wayne...Party on, Garth

Week 2 Picks From The Doctor...

From Bill Belichick's Candid Camera show to Tony Romo single-handedly taking me to victory over Noce for Fantasy, Week 1 was all over the place. Looking ahead at Week 2, Noce currently stands one game ahead...time to pull out all the stops...

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh: I really want to believe in the whole let's win this for Kevin Everett story, but I just don't think it's going happen. I personally wish the best for him and his family, but with that said, I'm taking the Steelers in this one. 24-13 Steelers

Houston @ Carolina: The Texans opened up their season with a win for the first time since 03', but let's not go talking about a winning streak anytime soon: 27-14 Panthers

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay: Every fantasy owner who has stock in the Saints will be smiling after Sunday's rout, especially those with Drew Brees..I'm thinking 250 and 3 tds: 38-17 Saints

Atlanta @ Jacksonville: Not a chance in hell I repeat stupidity. Enough Said. 24-7 Jaguars

Cincinnati @ Cleveland: Here comes another lackluster game with the highlights of Brady Quinn contemplating the similarities between the eating habits of Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel on the sidelines when he should be on the field. 35-6 Bengals

San Francisco @ St. Louis: Finally, a game that actually involved me invoking some thought. I like San Fran in this one; the Rams O-line sucks without Orlando Pace, meaning the 49'ers can blitz my boy Patrick Willis at will. 24-17 49-ers

Green Bay @ New York Giants: Although I prefer Mike North in the morning here in Chicago as opposed to those two clowns Mike and Mike, I have to agree with Golic's assessment this morning as I flipped over to ESPN Radio. The Giants should rest Eli to make sure this shoulder injury doesn't linger, and Green Bay wont have to worry about Brandon Jacobs either. 20-14 Packers

Indianapolis @ Tennessee: Vince Young can't do everything in this one. 31-14 Colts

Dallas @ Miami: Tony Romo wont be putting up the numbers like last week simply because he won't have to. I look for Julius Jones and Marion Barber III to get at least a TD each. 28-13 Cowboys

Minnesota @ Detroit: Should be a good game; Minnesota's defense has been solid the past couple of years, and it should be interesting to see how they match up with the Offensive Genius aka complete deuchebag Mike Martz' passing game. I think it will be close, but Tavaris Jackson is not ready to lead a 2 minute drill. 27-20 Lions

Seattle @ Arizona: After that sloppy ass game Arizona played, I don't see how there's anyway they can compete with the Seahawks. Matt Hasselbeck would have to be puking up his Campbell's Chunky Soup to lose this one. 34-13 Seahawks

Kansas City @ Chicago: Larry Johnson is pissed off, and the Bears D lost two starters last week. However, Damon Huard doesnt have anywhere near the talent (did I really just say that?) Rex does, even if he is a mental midget. 24-14 Bears

New York Jets @ Baltimore: Good news: Congratulations Kellen Clements, you get to start your first NFL game. Bad news: Congratulations Kellen Clements, you get to have Ray Lewis' cleats pulled out of your ass. 21-7 Ravens

Oakland @ Denver: If they can't beat Detriot at home, they sure as hell can't beat Denver 5200 feet above sea level. 31-10 Broncos

San Diego @ New England: By far the best match-up of the week, if not the year. I think these two will meet again in the AFC Championship game in January, and I also think that San Diego will win this game for the following reason: Brady won't have all day to throw like last week, not to mention this time he won't even know what defense he's up against pre-snap. If this game was in November or beyond I would take the Pats. 28-24 Chargers

Washington @ Philadelphia: Those idiots in Philly will be going crazy for the home opener at the Linc. Plus factoring in last week's loss, I like McNabb to dink and dunk away from Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry to victory: 20-17 Eagles

Way to Go Wednesday

Going into this week's edition of 'Way to Go Wednesday' I thought I would have to really dig deep in order to find the person that win's this week's 'Way to Go - You Jagoff!' award. However, I was wrong - it took all of about 5 seconds and two clicks of my company mouse to find exactly what I was looking for.

So without further adue I bring you this week's negative 'Way to Go!'...You Jagoff!

Stephon Marbury was in court today for the highly publicized Isiah Thomas sexual harassment trial - and he definitely didn't help things. Marbury apparently admitted he had sex with Isiah's accuser and also included some interesting derogatory comments he made to her:

"Yes, I called her a bitch," Marbury said. "I said a lot of different things. I may have said "f--- her.’"

I let it slide when you made comments supporting Mike Vick because I figured you hadn't had your name in the paper for a while and were missing the attention. But apparently you have absolutely no brain at all.

So congratulations Stephon 'Starbury', you are doing a lot of great work to secure your reputation as the biggest waste of talent the NBA has seen since Micheal Ray Richardson.



On a positive note I have some overdue news that I meant to post yesterday but ended up being productive at work (I know what a fucking joke right?). The Chicago White Sox announced yesterday that Manager Ozzie Guillen has signed a 5-year contract extension.


I know many of you (especially White Sox fans) are saying "Are you fucking kidding me?" but I like Ozzie Guillen. There, I said it. The man won the first World Series in Chicago in 88 years in 2005 and took the lowly White Sox from the bastard child of Chicago to the blue-collar badasses that Chicagoans all identify with (except those jackasses on the North Side).

Ozzie owns a 333-297 (.529) in his fourth season as the South Side Skipper. He is also 11-1 in the postseason with the Sox - something no Cub manager can even come close to saying. I think Ozzie has done a good job managing with what he has been given talent-wise. The reason the Sox won the WS in '05 was because they had excellent starting pitching, great speed and timely hitting. General Manager Ken "I fucking hate Scott Boras" Williams has mismanaged this club by trading away speed and good position players for absolute crap (see David Riske).

The 2007 White Sox disaster is not Ozzie Guillen's fault. He can only put the lineup in everyday and hope to manage with what he has on the field and in the dugout/bullpen. Williams is the real jackass here - not Guillen. Way to Go Ozzie Guillen...You're alright with me!