A Look At ESPN Member Douchebags

Thanks to Trunk over at My Brain Says Rage, we were linked by Awful Announcing today. I don't want to know what he had to do to get our little two-man operation linked with the likes of AA, but hey, we'll take it when we can get it.

Which brings us to the reason for why we're here in the first place: ESPN Members. They're a funny bunch. I'm so happy that ESPN decided to allow comments on its page because it has given us the chance to dig up every lower-middle class Ford owner that has just enough credit left to put a Compaq Presario on 36-month layaway so they can voice their retarded opinion to the masses.

I shouldn't lump every commenter into the 'King of the Hill' category, there are commenters who represent just about every archetype you can think of. It's just that the hillbillies usually provide just enough material so we can completely rip their identity apart in about 1000 words. Anything over that would obviously have to be written by Bill Simmons and therefore biased to the fucking shithole of the world and commented on by ESPN members and, well, you get the point.

Let's go to today's tale of the tape, brought to you by the American Academy of Facial and Reconstructive Plastic Surgery, because they are the only fucking people I could think of that could possibly help this poor bastard we're about to show you.

Today's Heavyweight contender comes in at approximately 6'1, depending on the type of velcro shoes he decided to wear today, and probably somewhere in the ballpark of 245 pounds.

I give you... Michael Messerly.



As you can see this picture was taken on the greatest day of Michael Messerly's ginger life. Unless that is the best photoshop ever, this douche has gotten closer to Erin Andrews than most of us can say, and that almost makes me want to punch myself in the dick right now.

If you questioned my assumption that this was, in fact, this ginger's proudest moment, look no further than his "Greatest Sports Moment". He knows he probably won't ever touch another attractive girl, at least not one that isn't bound and gagged with his Sponge Bob underwear.

Right up there with fondling EA, Mike has listed Miami's baseball and football titles in 2001 as his greatest sports moment. For the sake of fucking skin cancer alone, I hope this kid has never stepped foot in the state of Florida.



If he has, nothing short of an act of god can save him because the sun would tear into his thin, cancer-welcoming skin with as much brute force as Militia in his debut video with COLT Studios.

Looking at this kid's profile and seeing that he's from Nebraska gives me yet another reason to never visit that state. Chalk it right up there with Arkansas and Texas as places I'd rather not go. I really think I'd rather go to Africa and take my chances with the fucking militias (hopefully they haven't done gay porn) there than endure anything more than a rest stop in those states.

Now for the icing on the cake with good ole' Michael Messerly. He wants to be the William Hung of Nebraska. Yes, you read that correctly. This fucking degenerate ginger bastard wants to voluntarily be the butt of a joke.



He wants to be famous, but not famous like normal people would want to be. He wants to be "William Hung famous". That's even worse than "Pauly Shore famous" and almost as bad as being "Phil Spector famous".

I think the only thing that this kid has to look forward to is a new lotion that is immune to chafing because jerking off is the only thing I see in his future. It must be pretty bad when you're actually uglier than the guy from Red Dragon.

Sorry "michaelmesserly" - you're not even creative enough to think of a fucking ESPN Member name? Jesus Christ, you really do suck at being a person.

A new record time for racist accusations on ESPN!

In a stunning event of extreme douchebaggery, someone was accused of racism in the ESPN Comments today after only 1 post!

The commenter, "stevemahalick", obviously an intelligent man, voiced his opinion about the $100,000 bounty on Willingham's head is "rediculous" (nice spelling cockbag) and "obviously racist". It's amazing how one comment about race can turn a debate about a coach's talent level to an analysis about 200 years of history that has nothing to do with anything remotely to the original story.

I hate to say I told you so, but I never thought I'd be able to explain my point in such a clear and hilarious example this quickly. Scroll down and enjoy reading some of these assholes' comments, I promise you it will make you feel better about your own lives.


Comments (1-18)
KansasJoeHawks (1 minute ago) Why can't someone just be bad at their job? "It's because of his race", "It because of money", bla bla bla. Heads up people, money runs the world, and winning=$ no matter what level. Lets take some responsibility for our own actions.

NJPlayer79 (1 minute ago) Well said Stan - I can't comment on the race card with the UW situation, but it DEFINITELY applied at Notre Dame...That's serious.

ryan425353 (1 minute ago) The guy probably is a racist, even if not he is going to be viewed as one. Mosty likely some inhospitable old fart who knows noting about the current state of college football. This guy was good enough for Notre Dame and then was fired before the year he would've had his best team so Charlie WEis could come in and embarass ND. I mean UW is not USC, who does this guy want? Pete Carroll? Seems more like he would settle for any white coach over Willingham. $100,000 is not that much for a major university anyway. Big deal, 3 full boats paid for a year. They have to give this Ty some time.

NJPlayer79 (3 minutes ago) Because slawson, if he does that then he doesn't get the weightlifting room named after him :)

Stan the Afghan (3 minutes ago) BVpanther, the race card should have been out the moment Willingham was fired at ND! The race card should have been thrown again after Weiss wasn't fired after this season! Willingham is the closest big time college football has come to Tony Dungy (pre-Sylvester Croom). Willingham's goal is to win a championship, but his primary goal is to develop young men into exceptional citizens. I'd take a dismal record on the field and a superb record of student athlete citizenship any day. The guys that Willingham brings into the program are far less likely to break into your house or steal your CD player out of your car than the ones that would, generally speaking, boost your on-field winning. How can you fault that?

slawson79 (3 minutes ago) Ok why not just give money to the place that gave you the ability to have the funds to donate 100K in the first place. Im sure your life is dependent on the out come of football.... Why dont you do the right thing and give a schlorship to law students who are deserving but cant afford it.

NJPlayer79 (5 minutes ago) The other thing is that take race out of it, the whole "booster" system is out of control in college football. Why should a Lawyer who graduated in 1966 have ANY say in what happens in the football program?

Extramice (5 minutes ago) Previous to 1 season before Willingham's arrival at Washington, the UW had 30 straight non-losing seasons averaging 8-9 wins a year. Keith Gilbertson went 1-10, since then Tyrone Willingham has come in and finished 10th, 9th, and 10th in the Pac-10. In the previous 30 years, Washington finished out of the top 3 in the Pac-10 maybe 5 times. This kind of thing has nothing to do with Ty as a person and everything to do with his inability to produce a winner at the UW.

NJPlayer79 (6 minutes ago)bvpanther - I hate when the race card is played, but you know what, Willingham was on a much shorter leash because of his race. Look at what Weis did this past year...And he's coming back?

jangelish (6 minutes ago) is the ad african american?

disme33 (6 minutes ago) Ty does everything perfect Sunday- Friday.. On Saturdays its another thing. He still lives off his legacy from Stanford.. but when he was at Stanford USC wasn't even a fraction of what it is today. The Pac 10 is much stronger now than it was when old Ty was at Stanford...

tjb_vb (7 minutes ago) bvpanther - Are you kidding me??? It has to be race!!! It cant be his record at ND or his record at Wash!!!! It obviously cant be his recruiting ability or his overall record at Stanford either!!

jman_89 (8 minutes ago)Maybe if he WON FOOTBALL GAMES he wouldn't be so disliked...a .499 career record is pathetic.

RedSoxseason2001 (10 minutes ago) The sad thing is you'll probably read something on here in a week saying "Tyrone Willingham fired from Washington" and they'll make up some bogus story to get rid of him and not pay him anything. NCAA Football breads corruption within these schools. It's pathetic...

icm310 (10 minutes ago) I've never seen a nice guy like Willingham get hated on so hard by so many people in college sports. Its' ridiculous..

bvpanther (10 minutes ago) Two posts and the race card is out. Nice. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, the dismal record was the motivation.

stevemahalick (12 minutes ago) absolutely rediculous...this guy must be a racist or something.

NJPlayer79 (12 minutes ago) This is why college football sucks - people that have no idea about the sport get what they want based on money. The pushed Willingham out at ND too, and that's worked out REALLY well...