1. Anytime the Bears lose yards: 2 drinks 2. Grossman/Orton incomplete: 1 drink 3. Any Special Teams TD: 1 beer 4. Bears Offensive TD: 1 Beer 5. Bears Defensive TD: 2 Drinks (because that's more likely to happen) 6. Any shots of Ron Turner in the booth: 2 drinks 7. If he looks puzzled when they show him: 1 beer 8. Any third down play where a draw is run: 4 drinks 9. Bears Offense goes three and out: 4 drinks 10. Forte breaks a tackle (breaking Benson's career total): 1 drink per occurance 11. Bears Sack: 2 drinks 12. Any time you heard the words Mike Hass: 3 drinks 13. Any Mike Hass catches: 5 drinks 14. Mike Hass TD: 2 beers, and don't you fucking short him one sip.
Are you as excited as I am to finally watch some fuckin' football? Damn straight. Now remember, as your Doctor I am prescribing you lots of booze to make you think that Mike Hass truly is the white Jerry Rice. I'll have a couple things that I'm going to pay attention to, and after that, a Bears pre-season drinking game that is sure to fuck you up.
The obvious things everyone is going to look at: Rex vs. Orton, Forte.
Here's what I'm going to be watching:
The Offensive Line: This is my biggest concern on the whole team. More so then Grossman/Orton, because they're fucking useless even when they have decent blocking. Terrence Metcalf just had his knee scoped, Chris Williams has been sitting on the sidelines thinking about how he can relate to his favorite WB show Everyone Hates Chris. That leaves second year man Josh Beekman in at left guard, and John St. Clair at left tackle. Not exactly what you're hoping for in terms of experience. This will be critical not only in their play, but their ability to STAY HEALTHY. Ruben Brown is liking his chops with the Bears' depth, and it's not from the Sweet Baby Ray's he just put on his hickory smoked ribs from Carson's.
Secondary: Over/Under in the comments on what game Mike Brown is lost for the season again. I'm going to put the tab at 4 games, and I'll obviously take the under. I love Mike Brown, but I stopped trusting him a few years ago. I don't expect Vash and Peanut to play much, so we'll see if Trumaine McBride has recovered from his third degree burns from the NFL receivers he's gotten torched on. Look for rookies Zach Bowman (Nebraska) and Craig Steltz (LSU) to see time somewhere near the end of the second quarter.
Caleb Hanie: This bastard beat out my boy Nick Hill, so he better have a line looking like this to justify it: 10/12, 202 yds, 2 TD, O INT. I know the guy played at Colorado State, but that's all I know. These are the only two youtube clips I could find, and I'm terrified. Caleb Hanie is not only unknown, but also very grainy:
At CSU:
If you have something you're looking for, feel free to share. With those things now addressed, let's get down to the real deal:
****THE OFFICIAL DRINKING GAME IS POST ABOVE, I FELT IT SHOULD BE IT'S POST****
If you would like us to add on to this, please be my guess. This should be enough to make you hate your life tomorrow, but you'll rave that the Bears offense is going to make the greatest show on turf look like a bunch of fags. Wait, St. Louis is a bunch of fags? Oh yeah, nevermind.
About Dr. C: Dr. C is a graduate of Southern Illinois University. He spent 4 years there as a Sports Anchor/Director. After deciding he didn't want to cover rodeos working 50+ hours a week making 20K in Buttfuck, Montana he decided to return home to Chicago. Dr. C is a real nickname he goes by for claiming to have a Ph.D in bullshit. He can remember phone numbers from people he met 15 years yet couldn't tell you your name back to you after having been introduced. If he could be sponsored by anything in life, it would undoubtedly be Jack Daniels.
About Noce: Noce is a graduate of the University of Illinois. He was the sports editor there for the Daily Illini. As you may have guessed, he's a huge Bulls fan, and spends most of his day on Blog-A-Bull. Noce also enjoys Crab Rangoon. He will expand on this later when he's not lying in bed hungover at this moment.
About StalkingErinAndrews: Stalkingerinandrews wasted his money at the University of Illinois, attending for a few years but never earning a degree. He enjoys long tractor rides, barbecue grilling, and spending time with children. (His own brats, not someone else's.) He is a true homer, being a fan of most Chicago area teams, with the inclusion of the Illini being the obvious exception. He has to go now, his wife just said "Blah, blah, blah, get off that damn computer! I need blah, blah, blah."
