Bears vs. Themselves vs. 49ers Tonight

I have to be honest, I haven't been paying much attention to the Bears this year. And I've been a whole lot happier because of it.

I have probably watched 10 minutes of Bear football this year and I think in those 10 minutes I uttered somewhere around 75 "fucks!", "assholes!", "holy shits!" and "what the fuck are you doing you fucking assholes?".

I just cannot comprehend some of the decisions that the coaches make on a play-by-play basis - and this is pretty much just talking about the offensive side of the ball.

I understand that getting upset about the Bears' offense is about as productive as an Apple II, but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the idea that it's ok for a PROFESSIONAL NFL OFFENSE to suck more balls than John Amaechi. It's like we're hypnotized to believe that the offense can produce jack shit and if the team wins, everything is fine.

I guess I shouldn't expect much from the Bears fanbase when it comes to football knowlege and realistic expectations. Hell, at least half of the fan base accounts for Cubs fans and we all know how smart and professional they are up in Wrigleyville.

I'm not totally absolving the Bears fans who support the Sox either, because we know they have had their fair share of incidents as well (I was actually at that game). Sox fans have managed to at least appear informed about their team though, something that seems to elude those Old Style swilling yuppies on the North side.

Regardless of the baseball allegiances, there is one NFL team in Chicago and it's fucking unbelievable that we fans allow them to march out guys who wouldn't make the practice squads on some NFL teams and think it's okay for a QB rating of 75.2. These guys are supposed to be pros people!

If anyone has the opportunity - go down to Indianapolis and watch how they operate. Think their fans go into the stadium talking about how their key is to win the battle for "field position"? Fuck no. Think Colts fans are excited when the team gets their first 1st down in the waning minutes of the 2nd quarter? Think that has even happened since Peyton Manning took over? (I really don't know so if you wanna look that up - be my guest, but I'd put money on no)

Granted they have a HOF quarterback in Manning but they still have players around him that compete at an NFL level day-in and day-out, which is something the Bears simply cannot say. Digging up old has-beens and never-weres off the scrap heap (Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd) and trotting out an offensive line with more holes than Augusta National doesn't cut it Lovie.

And if it's not Lovie's fault (he is supposed to be a defensive guy after all) then what the fuck is Ron Turner still doing with a job? This guy has been as bad or worse than the guy whose favorite 3rd down play was the draw (see: John Shoop). Not only that, every year we have to hear about how Turner is "installing his system", which immediately makes me think of a panda bear taking a gigantic dump on a pack of fire ants.

I would like to challenge any Bears beat writer to sit next to Turner in the booth and just take notes of what he does during the games. I'm willing to bet that half the time he spends "calling plays" is really just him playing Battleship against himself.

God, I fucking hate Ron Turner.

See - even thinking about the Bears makes me angry. What the hell was this post about again? Oh yea - fucking stupid Bears and their shitty offense. I hope the whole offense (minus Kreutz - I can't stay mad at him) gets lost on the way to the game tonight and they're forced to play the defensive players on offense (there will be no difference) just to see what happens.

The Sox better make the damn playoffs because I'm going to need something to keep me from poking out my own eyes in a fit of rage.

Previewing The NFC North: This Could Be A Long Season For Los Osos

For the past three seasons, it's been nice knowing that going into the upcoming season, the Bears should be pretty damn good, and that it should be a good year. The roller coaster it appears however, has finally peaked. The pendulum swings back into horrific once again as we witnessed a team that went to the Super Bowl just two years ago finish below .500 last year. This is not an apparition akin to the 2007 White Sox. No, this seems to be much worse. The settled but yet malevolent quarterback situation which has lasted many years, the defense getting older and looking like it, the receiving corp which couldn't compete for a SICA West title, and worse of all...the freshmen B-team offensive line going up against varsity. Slaughter. So bad that Fred Miller and Ruben Brown are getting more calls from Ron Turner then Lindsay Lohan is getting from GLADD to join next year's parade in Boys Town.

Yes, that bad.

So with that in mind, I unveil my predictions for the 2008 final standings of the NFC North.

1. FUDGEPACKERS (11-5) Now that he who shall not be named because I'm fucking sick of him is gone, it will be the Aaron Rodgers show in Green Bay. And you know what? I really feel bad for the guy. He didn't bitch about playing time, didn't bitch about backing up arguably the best quarterback in the history of the game. He kept his mouth shut, put on a PR performance worthy of an award and waited patiently for a chance. As soon as he got the pay off, the fucking cheeseheads blame him for it, and have their 6 year olds telling him he sucks. Lovely fan base.

From what Rodgers has shown, a 13-3 team from last year will still be set offensively, and their defense is very good (though their corners are getting old). I would expect Rodgers to lose them a couple games due to his inexperience and the rigors of a playing a full season, but they're still the team to beat. With their hardest games of the year at home (Dallas week 3, Indy week 7), the rest of their schedule isn't bad.

2. VIQUEENS (10-6) Hey, Dr. Z. Yeah, you ya old penis-headed fuck. I normally fuck up many a prediction, but you my friend have taken the cake. Seriously? The Viqueens for the Super Bowl? Can't wait for you to fuck this one up. Are they a Super Bowl caliber defense. Absolutely. Just because they beat the Giants last 41-17 doesn't mean shit. The Giants were only down one when Elisha threw a pick 6 to choke. Tavaris Jackson straight up sucks, and is the equivalent of Kyle Orton with some scramble (and less Jack Daniels in his veins). If they were to lose Adrian Peterson to serious injury, they're a .500 team. They're defense is good enough to give them a few get me bys, which to me reeks of Wild Card birth, and out. Have a nice season fuckfaces.

3. BEARS (6-10) I was leaning toward 5-11, but what the hell I'm feeling generous. As I listed in my intro, I'll bullet out who sucks the most.

- The Offensive Line
- Dr. Jerkyl and Dr. Jerkyl (Rex and Orton)
- Trumaine McBride (Get Fucked, burn victim)
- The Receivers
- Roberto Garza (you get your own bullet, amigo)
- Defense
- Brad Maynard

Do I really need to say more? 6 wins, and we'll all be back to Bulls Basketball (except Noce who will be glued to every sweat gland that Nocioni has from the end of October on).

LIONS: 5-11 I think this picture is worth my 1,000 words:

It's Official: The 'Beard Is Our Quarterback

Chicago Tribune Bears beat writer Vaughn McClure has just Blackberry'd the news that Kyle Orton will be the starter for the first game of the season on Sunday night when the Bears head to Indianapolis to face the Manningless Colts.

It appears that Orton didn't win the job with his play as much as Grossman just looked inept out there in his two preseason performances thus far. Here's the breakdown in numbers from chicagobears.com writer Larry Mayer:

Orton slightly outperformed Grossman in two preseason games, compiling a better completion percentage (63.2-56.5), yards per attempt average (5.21-5.13) and passer rating (76.4-66.9) while connecting on 12 of 19 passes for 99 yards. Grossman has completed 13 of 23 passes for 118 yards.

Effciency. That's what it's going to come down to with what could quite possibly the shittiest offensive line in the NFL. Orton may be more tentative so far, but he's moving the ball, and that's all the Bears can ask at this point.

The Rex Grossman era has officially concluded in Chicago. What was your favorite moment?

Oh, and if you're wondering, the facebook group titled "Start Caleb Hanie Committee" is already over 100 members strong.

NO SECOND HALF BLOG

Alright...I really want to watch the Sox right now even though they're losing 4-1 in the bottom of the fourth (but no outs so far). For everyone who was following along, thanks for participating (I'm looking at you Noce, you were a savior for a little bit). If you were actually drinking and are now pissed Im not posting, go fuck yourself, you have the rules.

LIVE-BLOG: 1ST HALF BEARS-CHIEFS

And were underway! If you're following along, you can comment. We don't mind, call me a fuckface, whatever, just start your drinking.

Alright, sorry this was part of a limited selection of pictures on my computer. I didn't feel like running around Google images. So far, 3 and 3, Croyle boot legged on two bears defenders in the background, first down, and then a throw to the tight end for a first down...PEANUT SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT PICK!

Briggs gets his ankles broken on a short pass to Jamaal Charles, and Larry Johnson has huge holes to work with for his first few carries.

Good pressure from Mark Anderson forced the Croyle incomplete pass. No drinking as of yet, but I'm sure with Orton coming up that won't be long. Time-out called, 10 plays run so far off the opening drive.

Didnt see the first down, but a nice play by AB coming off the end to stop LJ for a 6 yard loss. 3 and 15. MOTHERFUCK! Fucking cover 2 was wide open where it should have been 15 yards down the sideline, Chiefs are first and goal.

Johnson fumbles, but recovers, second and goal. Flag on the play...holding OFFENSE, #65..10 yard penalty, repeat second down.

Aaaand were off to a great start. 3rd and 5, the defensive waaaay over pur-fucking-sue and Larry Johnson runs right up the middle untouched until he's in for 6.

CHIEFS 7, BEARS 0

I don't feel like waiting. Fuck this, I'm opening the first Miller Lite.

Orton claims "he's playing the best football of his life during this training camp". We'll see. First pass is complete for 3 yards on a little dump off to Forte. Forte's first NFL carry is for a first down! 1 and 10...same play, not so much.

Orton finds Daivs, he's 2 for 2 so far. Were 3 minutes from the end of the third, and so far, NO FUCKING DRINKING! Ooooh someone's going to die tonight. Yeah, of fucking dehydration.

HOORAY! ORTON PASS KNOCKED DOWN, DRINK!!

Oh wait, that was third down? Damn. Oh well. Fuck it, it's the preseason. Doesn't look the Bears front D is doing much. Nice help from Brandon McGowan. 3rd and 22, Croyle completes but its well short. Flag is for holding, 4th down.

Hester's out to return, and predictably doesn't get a chance to do anything with it. Get used to it people, nobody in their right fucking mind is going to kick to him at any time this year. And flag is down thanks to dumbfuck McGowan for an illegal block.

If I really wanted people to get fucked up, I would have made penalties a drinking category. Things to remember for the upcoming season.

END OF FIRST QUARTER: CHIEFS 7, BEARS 0

Forte was stopped right away, and that's a 1 yard gain in my book, but I'm taking the 2 drinks anyways. Orton to Forte for a first down. Hey Jack fucking Daniels, you do have receivers. There's not 10 people blocking.

He's way too tentative right now (Orton). He's going through his progressions, but not giving them any time to separate. Forte so far has looked pretty good: good hands, a burst through the hole. 3rd and 8.

ORTON INCOMPLETE FOR BRADLEY, DRINK!

I think Orton will be done for the day if Lovie wants to keep it to the first half for Orton and Grossman. If that's the case, Orton lets Grossman have the chance to shine. He had one decent pass to Davis, everything else was dink-dunk.

Jamaal Charles is quickly learning that his 4.3 40 is not going to do much in the NFL when you go east/west instead of north/south. Chiefs go 3 and out, Damon Huard is now in for the Chiefs.

FUCKING SPECIAL TEAMS! 15 yarder on Forte. Go get me another beer, rook.

Orton is back out there...there you go Orton. 16 yards on a curl to Hester. A hand off to McKie? EVERYONE DRINK FOR RON TURNER'S FUCKING GENIUS CALL. Orton to Bradley, he might be finally getting some rhythm now. 3 and 1, and Forte gets 2 and a half, move the chains.

I hate when the Bears run tosses, it never works out. Forte got about 4, but Olsen is flagged for holding. Holding will be the new 1 drink addition from here on out.

RON TURNER IS SHOWN AND LOOKS PUZZLED!!!! DRINK A BEER!!!! and a great throw to Clark, but that doesn't solve much! Way to go, Orton. You clumsy fuck. No more running around with the ball for you. Robbie Gould aka Curious George is good from 43, and so far my prediction to Noce on what the score would be at halftime is dead-on.

CHIEFS 7, BEARS 3

Grossman will be heading into the game on the next Bears possession. For those of you following along, so far I've had one and half Miller Lites. I'm so fucking drunk it's rediculous.

I don't know about you, but I was thinking this could have been a complete mess of alcohol.

BEARS SACK, ANTHONY ADAMS!!! TWO DRINKS!! TWO MILLER LITES FINISHED!

Fuck! Anderson should have made it back to back sacks! Huard did a nice job of escaping the rush. Anderson has been playing well so far. Bears defense has shut them down since the opening drive. Chiefs only make up half of a 3rd and 20 and here comes the Sex Cannon.

Hester actually gets a chance to return the punt, but doesn't get anywhere. Grabbing two more beers in anticipation of Grossman. MOTHERFUCKING SPECIAL TEAMS! 3 PUNTS TO THE BEARS, 3 FLAGS ON THE RECEIVING TEAM. Like what you're seeing, Dave Toub???

Grossman first pass complete for 3 yards. The other AP for 16 yards, and follow that up with 20 yard pass from Rex to Brandon Lloyd.

So far, so good for Rex. REX TO PETERSON, LOSS OF THREE, DRINK!

Orton's final numbers: 7-10, 56 yards. Grossman has plenty of time to throw, but steps awkwardly into the throw and its well out of bounds. Olsen was well covered. Another fucking special teams flag that's declined. Ball was almost downed at the one by D. Manning but not so much. Why are they reviewing this shit? Who fucking cares, it's going to be at the 20 no matter what. They declined the fucking penalty in the first place.

All that shit for just 5 yards. Wow. 1 and 10 at the 25, Jamaal Charles for 8 yards. He's looking pretty good. A draw to Charles out of a shotgun 4 wide just barely moves the chains.

They just showed Mike Brown on the sidelines, and he looks like a ghetto fucking chia pet. Deep pass to Maurice Price moves the ball to midfield. Odds on Price making the Chiefs, slim to none. Ball knocked down on the next play by David Haugh's man crush, Marcus Harrison. 3rd and 5. Huard no problem to whoever the fuck is #80.

Replay shows Kevin Payne is fuckstick. Well done biting on the pumpfake. Fourth grade called, it wants to call you a stupidhead, Payne.

Fade route to Maurice price, and guess who almost got burned again? That's right, call 911. Trumaine McBride would like his stuffed elephant Barbar ready.

I'm too pissed off typing and don't even bother to look up as the Chiefs score again.

CHIEFS 14, BEARS 3

A final run by AP finishes the first half. Not much of a first half for the Bears. Grossman looked better then Orton in my estimation. Was a lot more comfortable in the pocket. Forte and Peterson both did pretty well. The Bears receiving corp gets an incomplete because there wasn't much to base any thoughts on. They might have been out place at times, but we don't know where or when they were supposed to be.

As for the Defense, they were really porous. Larry Johnson had plenty of room to run, as did Jamaal Charles. Defensive Ends did not stick to holding their areas and overpursued way too often. The linebackers were a non-factor. The secondary was out of place and allowed plenty of throwing lanes. Oh well.

As for the drinking game, after the first half I've had 2 and half beers. Totally wasted, bro.

ANNOUNCEMENT: LIVE-BLOG TONIGHT OF BEARS-CHIEFS!!!

Judging from the comments we've been receiving about the drinking rules, there's only one to show you that:

A: It won't be that bad
B: I'm more of an alcoholic then I previously imagined
C: We can find out just how drunk you can really get!

With that in mind, I'll be live-blogging at least the first half (depending on shitty I get). Think about it, it's a two for one deal: you get to play along with me if you dare, and if you don't feel like getting shitfaced but want to know how it turns out, you'll have me!

Now, I should be have the first post up right at 7, so if you're not doing anything, come and join as type out my anger that the Bears still can't run the ball! It will be lots of fun!

*This is Dr. C's Liver here...fuck you, Dr. C

The Official 2008 Bears Preseason Drinking Game!

1. Anytime the Bears lose yards: 2 drinks
2. Grossman/Orton incomplete: 1 drink
3. Any Special Teams TD: 1 beer
4. Bears Offensive TD: 1 Beer
5. Bears Defensive TD: 2 Drinks (because that's more likely to happen)
6. Any shots of Ron Turner in the booth: 2 drinks
7. If he looks puzzled when they show him: 1 beer
8. Any third down play where a draw is run: 4 drinks
9. Bears Offense goes three and out: 4 drinks
10. Forte breaks a tackle (breaking Benson's career total): 1 drink per occurance
11. Bears Sack: 2 drinks
12. Any time you heard the words Mike Hass: 3 drinks
13. Any Mike Hass catches: 5 drinks
14. Mike Hass TD: 2 beers, and don't you fucking short him one sip.

What To Look For Tonight's Bears/Chiefs Game

Are you as excited as I am to finally watch some fuckin' football? Damn straight. Now remember, as your Doctor I am prescribing you lots of booze to make you think that Mike Hass truly is the white Jerry Rice. I'll have a couple things that I'm going to pay attention to, and after that, a Bears pre-season drinking game that is sure to fuck you up.

The obvious things everyone is going to look at: Rex vs. Orton, Forte.

Here's what I'm going to be watching:

The Offensive Line: This is my biggest concern on the whole team. More so then Grossman/Orton, because they're fucking useless even when they have decent blocking. Terrence Metcalf just had his knee scoped, Chris Williams has been sitting on the sidelines thinking about how he can relate to his favorite WB show Everyone Hates Chris. That leaves second year man Josh Beekman in at left guard, and John St. Clair at left tackle. Not exactly what you're hoping for in terms of experience. This will be critical not only in their play, but their ability to STAY HEALTHY. Ruben Brown is liking his chops with the Bears' depth, and it's not from the Sweet Baby Ray's he just put on his hickory smoked ribs from Carson's.

Secondary: Over/Under in the comments on what game Mike Brown is lost for the season again. I'm going to put the tab at 4 games, and I'll obviously take the under. I love Mike Brown, but I stopped trusting him a few years ago. I don't expect Vash and Peanut to play much, so we'll see if Trumaine McBride has recovered from his third degree burns from the NFL receivers he's gotten torched on. Look for rookies Zach Bowman (Nebraska) and Craig Steltz (LSU) to see time somewhere near the end of the second quarter.

Caleb Hanie: This bastard beat out my boy Nick Hill, so he better have a line looking like this to justify it: 10/12, 202 yds, 2 TD, O INT. I know the guy played at Colorado State, but that's all I know. These are the only two youtube clips I could find, and I'm terrified. Caleb Hanie is not only unknown, but also very grainy:



At CSU:



If you have something you're looking for, feel free to share. With those things now addressed, let's get down to the real deal:

****THE OFFICIAL DRINKING GAME IS POST ABOVE, I FELT IT SHOULD BE IT'S POST****

If you would like us to add on to this, please be my guess. This should be enough to make you hate your life tomorrow, but you'll rave that the Bears offense is going to make the greatest show on turf look like a bunch of fags. Wait, St. Louis is a bunch of fags? Oh yeah, nevermind.

Orton Will Get First Shot Under Center, and Also Later At The Bar

The man who might love Jack Daniels more then I do will be your starting Quarterback on Thursday night's first preseason game of the year against the Chiefs. Don't get your hopes up though, as the Terrorist will be starting next week against Seattle.

What does this mean?

Not a whole fucking lot. I have the feeling that after watching the next two games, it's not going to be who surprises us, but who fucks up the least. Look at this way; outside of Rashied Davis, none of the receivers know the playbook inside and out. Matt Forte is going to have a lot of on the field training, and the Bears O-Line looks as mencing as the Polish on their horses during the Blitzkrieg of WW II.

They are not going to look good. It's already bad enough that Orton and Grossman are inconsistent at best, but they're going to have get routes down, etc. If you're anything like me, you should be getting intoxicated so that the offense looks more attractive. Its not like I have high expectations for them starting right out of the gate, but seriously it could be a complete and utter shit show.

As for the defense, I've heard Tribune Bears beat writer David Haugh on Mac, Jurko and Harry verbally come on the microphone with how good third round pick Marcus Harrison has looked. Haugh describes him as raw, with a great motor. Could be a good pick up if he can stay healthy, something Dusty Dvoracek and Dan Bazuin can't say.

Dvoracek is out of practice at this point with a calf he gave berth to, while Bazuin has knee swelling. Awesome.

Hester Set To Return?

That's what the Chicago Sun-Times and WSCR 670 the Score are reporting this morning. After holding out for two days, Hester showed up to Olivet Nazarene University this morning. He still has a physical pending, but show be fine to return to practice this afternoon at 3pm.

This is a win-win for both Hester and the Bears.

For Hester, a chance to get in quickly to learn the offense down pat. If I had a dollar for every time Mushin Muhammad had to literally grab him and set him in position like a parent does with their child convincing them they can get out of the time out chair soon, I would be drinking a couple free cases of Miller Lite. Hester has to get lots of reps doing catching drills so that Grossman or Orton can hit him on the fly routes with the confidence he can turn the play into 6 if it's open. I do not like the idea of sending him over the middle; that can be for those old asses Booker and Brandon Lloyd. Hester should only be running fly, slant and out patterns.

On top of that, it shows respect to Bears management and more importantly coaches and teammates that's he committed to getting better and ready for the upcoming season.

For the Bears, it's one less distraction off the field they have to have put in their face everyday after grueling two-a-days. No one wants to be there, and after running gassers no one wants to hear the same stupid fucking questions that the players have no conrol over.

Do you want Devin Here?
-Yes

Is Devin important to the team?
-Yes

Does Devin like eggs?
-Yes

It's all the same line of questioning in order to get your stupid fucking 12 second actuality (also known as quote, or sot for you tv types).

It appears that Hester is willing to wait as long as it takes to get a deal done, but if I'm Jerry Angelo, I do not pull a similar situation that John Paxson recently faced with Luol and BG.

They blew because of the looming contract deals they didn't get. The last thing the Bears need is for Hester to start muffling catches and punt returns.

Get this deal done as soon as possible. Let the Windy City Flyer focus on what he does best: being rediculous.

Wow...Just Wow

Remember when you were a kid, and you were sitting with your friends at the lunch table showing off your baseball cards as if they were thoroughbred horses?

Fucking-A right you were proud of your 1990 Donruss collection. Delino DeShields, Bip Roberts, you fuckin' had'em all. You were a little Billy Beane; always trying to convince the kid next to you who smelled like diaper shit that trading away his Griffey rookie card for the entire Cubs battery was a great idea.

Remember? Of course you do! I'm sure it seems just like yesterday you were finishing your closing arguments that Damon Barryhill was an up-and-comer like fucking Matlock. Shit, you were even willing to throw in this good condition Mark Grace card!

Yeah, those were the times. Though we've grown older and had our baseball cards lost, trashed by parents, or whatever the circumstances; we have fantasy sports to make those preposterous trades now. Trade me Carlos Zambrano for Johnny Cueto. Come on man, Cueto struck out 10 in his first game!

You see, there's fun in doing that. It's so fucking stupid that it's funny! It will never work, but you tried anyways!

And that must be the reason why Chicago Tribune columnist like Mike Downey came out with an article today saying the Bears should trade Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre:.

I had an idea. The deal of the century. The deal of any century. The most talked-about trade in the history of trades.

Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre.

It would shock every NFL jock. It would be the biggest thing in football since George Halas was a Leatherhead.

What a whopper—54 for 4.

I love Urlacher, but he seemed unhappy with his contract, or at least he did until Monday's news that he had signed an extension.

I love Favre, but he is unhappy with his status.

Green Bay would get a linebacker who is only 30. His neck and back are not in mint condition, so who knows how many good years he has left?

Chicago would get a quarterback who is 38. He is a little gray and grizzly, yes, but even in his worst year he beats what the Bears have now.

It was win-win, baby.

I asked Burke Griffin what he thought.

You see that? What a fuckin' funny guy! He's comparing these two, and asking for approval...

But there's a problem here, Mike. See, you've got it the other way around. Your buddy Burke Griffin up in Green Bay should be selling you on this proposal. He should be telling why his Damon Barryhill is worth your Ken Griffey Jr.

And that's the point I'm making. Are you really that hard up for a column? I do this shit jokingly and I guess you were, too. But me, as the reader of the paper, don't need you to do this for me. I do it on my own on a daily basis.

Your job in case you forgot, is to fucking report. To bring your opinion as a columnist from your years of insight you have. Tell me shit I don't know. Bring me, the sports fan, NEWS.

This isn't news, nor opinion.

This is you fucking jacking off on your BlackBerry with laughter because this is rivalry-rebelrouser of an idea you have is actually going into print.

No, I guess 4 for 54 can't happen.

Isn't there something else the Bears could offer them for 4?

For starters, how about your genius fucking trade proposals? Next up, A.J. Hawk for Steve McNair! Oh wait, he's not playing anymore? Fuck it, it will make for great feedback!

Bears, Urlacher come to terms on new deal

The Bears put their money where their mouth is today and essentially just gave middle linebacker Brian Urlacher 6 million reasons to show up at training camp tomorrow.

ESPN's Michael Smith is now reporting that the McCaskeys continue to amaze Bears fans by opening up their wallets even more this offseason:.

Urlacher, 30, had four years and approximately $25.5 million remaining on his contract. Under the terms of the upgraded deal, Urlacher will receive a $6 million signing bonus along with a $1 million bump in salary each of the next four years. The sides also have agreed to extend the pact into 2012, at a salary of $7.5 million. Urlacher can earn an additional $500,000 in a workout bonus in 2012.

That's a total of roughly $43.5 million over the next five years, with $18 million in new money for the six-time Pro Bowler and four-time All Pro.

Here's to hoping that back and neck of his stay healthy for the remainder of this new contract. For those wondering, his original contract signed back in 2003 was scheduled to pay him $3.95 million (2008), $4.95 million (2009), $6.15 million (2010) and $7.35 million (2011). That was for 56.655 million with 18 mil. guaranteed, the richest contract in Bears history.

Now that Urlacher can finally stop bitching, that leaves No. 1 pick Chris Williams and Devin Hester with contracts yet to be resolved. From what I've heard and read, Williams and the Bears are close to having a deal done.

Hester? No one's really sure to this point. Before the contract was signed, the Bears were $13 million under the cap space. This pay increase should raise that total, and it will be interesting to see how the Bears go about paying Hester. Go front-loaded and forget about Favre? We'll have to how this plays out as the players head to "Bear"bonnais tomorrow.

Bears ink Kevin Jones to 1-year deal

The Bears signed RB Kevin Jones to a 1-year deal (in case you didn't read the headline) today, rounding out their Mazda Protege-like offseason free-agent group that also includes such players as Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd.

Jones, fresh off a knee surgery that scared most teams away, will try to fill the void left by Cedric Benson. So really, a 10-yard run on his first carry from scrimmage and he'll pretty much be seen as a good signing.

The weird thing is, and thanks to Pro Football Talk for pointing it out, head coach Lovie Smith has said all along that the Bears were not looking to add a veteran back to make up for the loss of Benson.

The move conflicts with coach Lovie Smith’s subsequent comments, during which he said that the team had no plans to add a veteran tailback to replace Benson.

“We don’t have any plans to do that,” Smith said. “From Matt [Forte’] to Adrian Peterson to Garrett Wolfe, to P.J. Pope, Matt Lawrence, we like all of our players and those are the ones that we’re going with.”

Whether it was a smokescreen aimed at keeping Jones’ asking price low or the result of a fears that Forte’ won’t be ready to be the Week One starter as a rookie, the team has changed course, dramatically.

So now not only do they have a quarterback controversy that's about to explode with the rumors that GM Jerry Angelo is interested in the Bucs' Chris Simms, they also have a clusterfuck at RB. This is what happens when you let the incomprable douche Ron Turner run what is supposed to look like an "offense".

I've had to deal with Turner's retarded logic for too many years now, going back to when he took the reigns of a promising Illinois team and ran it straight into the ground by recruiting and signing something like 14 quarterbacks in three years.

It was rumored that Turner had seven QB's all on full scholarship when he was fired in 2004 after back-to-back stellar seasons of 1-11 and 3-8. One of those seven was Jon Beutjer. Enough said.

I don't know why the Bears picked him up for a second go-around but this is a guy who sports an anemic 35-57 (.380) record as a head coach and so far has failed to produce anything that would remotely be considered an offensive attack.

I could rant on Turner for hours but I'd just end up angry and right back where I started - me at work upset and Ron Turner douching away probably on some golf course. Ron Turner is the type of guy to play every out of bounds as a lateral hazard, knowing full well he's shaving a few strokes off his usual score of 94.

What was the point of this post again? Oh yea Kevin Jones, see that about sums it up right there - who gives a shit? Add another broken wheel to this already fuming truck and lets get excited about an 8-8 season.

My Boy Got Paid!!!

I own one Chicago Bears jersey, and you're looking at it to the right. I had an Urlacher jersey a couple years ago, but I gave to a friend because well...the Miller Lites finally caught up to me. But that is neither here nor there (pick up vegeatables..and no that is not a typo, that's how Andy Dick pronounces it). Docksquad via the Chicago Tribune have found the McCaskey's finally opening up their billfold to pay Tommie Harris a deal worth 40 million over the next 4 years with 18 of that guaranteed.

Thank..fucking..god. As David Haugh points out, this leaves deals that still need to be reached for Devin Hester and of course, #54.

It will be interesting to see how much Urlacher is going to demand now that they've paid top money in the NFL to a position player.

Here's some probabilities that could play out over the summer:

- Hester gets his contract settled within the next month..complete shot in the dark here: 3 years, 21 million, 12 of that guaranteed. Because of this, Urlacher is going to get vocal in the media. The two sides won't agree to terms, Urlacher is even more of a sour ass then usual all season long.

- Urlacher and the Bears reach an agreement just before training camp starts with a deal that both sides know will be reworked just so he will shut up.

- Both players go unsigned; unrest is everywhere including Zimbabwe.

- Kyle Orton finishes a bottle a jack, stumbles into Jerry Angelo's office. Pisses on his fake palm tree and states: givem some fffuckin' pancakes...beetch.

Hard to say how long it will take, but I like the odds on the last scenario. Maybe not Jerry Angelo's office, but perhaps an apartment in Wicker Park..stay tuned.

Bear Down...Your Beer!

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That Feeling is Back Again

"I'm telling you man; Salaam is going to be awesome. The guy ran for over 2,000 yards and he didn't even play a full NFL season. He won the Heisman."

Fast Forward.

"I'm telling you man; Curtis Enis is going to be different. He had 36 touchdowns and over 3,000 yards in 3 years!"

Fast Forward.

"I'm telling you man; Cedric Benson is going to be a beast. He ran for a 1,000 yards in each season at Texas."

And here we are now to the same sentence we always fall back on: "Fuck that loser". In fact, those were the exact words my mom texted to me yesterday when she saw that the Bears finally decided to cut their losses with the fourth overall pick of the 2005 draft.

Fuck that Loser. Fuck Salaam, Enis, Benson; Fuck'em all.

I ask of you; which was the most disappointing to watch? Salaam had over a 1,000 yards and 10 TD's in his rookie season, which is more then the other two can boast. Enis improved in his second season with over 900 yards though he only had 3 TD's that year. Benson's best? 674 yards on 196 carries. 3.4 yards per carry. For all three backs in their last year wearing the Navy and Orange, none of them averaged better then 3.7. Fucking Pathetic, and Benson was the worst yet.

Although Matt Forte is not a first round pick, he was chosen high enough (#44) to be considered one. Add to that the burden of being the number one option for a team that couldn't run block consistently. I can hear the lavish praise in my head now on the CTA in just a matter of weeks:

"That Forte kid looks good. He's much better then Benson. Did you see that preseason run he made against the Colts?

I've officially given up with expecting anything from any offensive player the Bears draft. Any position, you name it. Chris Williams? Wait til week 5 when you think he's the second coming of Marc Columbo. When he false starts two times in a row at Green Bay just like Stan Thomas.

Earl Bennett and Marcus Monk? All I hear is David Terrell and Airese Curry.

Give it up, Chicago. While it's nice to think about winning the lottery, fucking that gorgeous blonde who lives across the street or the Bears having a great quarterback, you're going to wake up with 3 crumpled dollars in your wallet next to the ugly bitch who won't stop complaining your alcohol consumption as you watch highlights of Grossman throwing another interception.

I'm not really that bleak about this upcoming season; but a team that finished 7-9 did not get that much better this offseason. I think it's for better to get rid of Benson, and I'm not sad to see him go. He took too much for granted, and reaped what he sowed. I'm of the opinion that he could still do something in his career if he wakes up and realizes what he has to do to be good. Just not in Chicago.

Here's to hoping the Bears can pull off the same suprise to the season that baseball team on the south side has accomplished.

Now That's a Google Ad

I was on the Truth and Rumor's portion of CNN/SI.com when I saw this google ad below the Cedric Benson post. "Teeth Whitening Caution". Holy shit is that funny.

Well Look Who Decides To Show Up

...Sorry, you'll have excuse me for a moment there. I was kneeling at my desk in my cube worshipping the keyboard before I typed in the word "Urlacher" into blogger, standard operating procedure for Chicagoans like me in this great (kneels) Urlacher era.

Look, I've always liked the guy for his performance on the field, and I could really give shit less what he does off of it.

With that said, I'm glad that he decided not to pull a Lance Briggs and be a bitch about the situation. In case you're wondering what the contract is at currently and what's being talked about, I give you my favorite Bears scribe, the Chicago Tribune's David Haugh:

The crux of (Urlacher's) argument always has attacked the NFL's system of non-guaranteed contracts as much as the Bears. His main contention revolves around the idea that long-term NFL contracts aren't worth the paper they're faxed on. the Bears' extension offer, ironically, in essence confirms his point.

On the surface, the $18 million extension sounds robust until you factor in the reported $9 million base salary for the extra season in 2012 written into the deal. Urlacher would be 34.

If he's even still playing for the Bears at that point, you can bet a case of Vitamin Water the team will rework his deal before paying him $9 million for a 13th season.

So in reality, the offer isn't really worth $18 million just as the deal Urlacher signed in 2003 wasn't really ever expected to hold up nine years.

Like it or not, long-term NFL contracts are written to be rewritten.

Reluctantly, the Bears have fairly done so with Urlacher's contract after initially being cool to the idea. It now awaits his signature.

At this point, Urlacher should view the $5 million signing bonus as part of the Bears' $18 million extension a reasonable meeting point. The money up front matches the bonuses given Alex Brown and Desmond Clark and represents the respect Urlacher craved

While I think it's important to pay him what he has earned, you have to wonder how this all figures in with Tommie Harris and his contract demands. Harris is the future of this team, not Urlacher. How do you go about paying Harris when dipshit organizations like the Raiders are giving out 7 year, 50.5 million dollar contracts to no names like Tommy Kelly? Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

My solution: pay Urlacher before you pay Harris. The reason: if you pay Tommie Harris a good chunk of change before Urlacher, #54 will get pissed and want more then the Bears are willing to pay him. And if Urlacher did accept in his eyes what he saw to be a lower then he wanted amount, he'd be a fucking malcontent in the locker room. By giving him what he wants now, you can focus squarely on Harris.

Then maybe Jerry Angelo can get to work on this whole QB situation, which should be just as big of a pain in the ass.

Seriously? 15 Million?

Before I get started into this, let me ask you a question. In the dynasty era of the Bulls, do you give the last shot to Michael Jordan, or Steve Kerr? Granted it worked out in Game 6 of the 97' NBA Finals, but did the Bulls ever give Steve Kerr the most amount of money for being the best sharpshooter in the NBA off of the bench? Not a chance. Kerr didn't even make a mil a season until leaving after the second three-peat (copyright of Pat Riley, don't sue me).

Let me ask you another question. Who's more important to the Bears: Devin Hester or Robbie Gould?

Before yesterday, both were unhappy with their contracts. Both are vital members of the team. But let's be serious here.

DEVIN HESTER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ROBBIE GOULD.

There is not one person in the NFL right now who changes the special teams dynamic more then Hester. Period. How many foolish teams have said, "we plan it kicking it to Hester, our guys look forward to the challenge" only to get that mantra shoved up their asses 105 yards later?

How many teams as a result of what he's done in just two years make drafting kick-off returners in the second round seem logical?

Was there a "Robbie Gould rule" possibly being put in place by the NFL this offseason? If there was, Mort missed another one.

So then why are the Bears going to pay Curious George the highest contract for a kicker in NFL history while Hester sits pondering where his deal is? Are you fucking kidding me?

Jerry, I know you've had some bad draft picks when it comes to offense. I trust your thinking when it comes to the defensive side of the ball. I'm sure alot of people raised their eyebrows when you drafted a poor defensive back from the U with amazing special teams prowess at #57 of the 2006 draft. You proved them wrong, Jerry. You were ahead of your time on that one.

But boy, did you really get this one wrong. You just paid a guy 15 million which no one in the history of the league has heard of for a guy who sees 5-6 snaps in a game. A guy who your head coach does not trust beyond 50 yards. A guy who reminds me of Paul Edinger, who came before him, of same stature, and had one good year. You know where he is now, Jerry? He couldn't even crack the Chicago Rush's roster this season, buddy.

And on top of Hester, you have Urlacher bitching about his contract, and the future of your defensive Tommie Harris waiting to get paid. Instead of those three, you chose Robbie Gould.

I hope you know what you're doing, Jerry. Cause I have no fucking clue what that is.

CedBenson's Version of Gilligan's Island

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this Texas lake
Aboard this tiny ship.

CedBen was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Twenty-Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour (of drinking), a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless fool
The Miller (lite) would be lost, the Miller (lite) would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this well-known desert isle
With Cedric Benson
The Skipper too,
He's a millionaire and he's stoned,
The movie star
The professor and Mary Ann,
Here on CedBen's Isle.

(Carrying on with the music...)

So along came the cops with their pepper spray
and gave Benson a test,
As he failed to float they sprayed his face,
and let go of the rest, let go all the rest.

They brought Benson to stable ground,
Yet he still wasn't able to stand
So they kicked him down to his knees,
and made the bail fourteen grand

CedBenson's out, and he's ready to pout
He's crying this unfair.
But as we've seen with him before,
He's never gonna care...He's never gonna care