Do Yourself A Favor: Fill Up Your Gas Tanks ASAP

If you enjoyed paying $4.20 in the suburbs, and close to $5 a gallon in the city, go ahead and wait til Wednesday when Hurricane Gustav fucks up most of the US refineries to fill up your car. If you perfer to pay $3.85/$4.40-50, then my prescription for you today other then get drunk is fill up your gas tank as soon as you get the chance. It looks as though Gustav will get to around a category 3 or 4 when it makes landfall, and while there will be a spike in gas prices, I just watched a report on CNN Money that says the oil rigs in the Gulf are now better prepared to handle stronger winds then before. Even still, I'm saving you some money so trust me!

In other programming notes, Noce will have a preview in the case of Sox v. Sox, and I'll follow that up with your usual weekend send off.

Weekend Send-Off: New Metallica

I'm literally counting down the days to September 12th when Death Magnetic hits the stores. This is the new single called "The Day That Never Comes" and it just came out today. The quality is kinda shitty, but if you want the good version, here's a link I have a feeling it will be better then everything since the Black album, but they'll never be 80's Metallica again. They don't know those drunk kids anymore.

ADDED BONUS: Noce wanted some CCR, and since I'm a nice guy I decided to throw it in for him.

"How about a Gene pick?"

Gene's trash!

"I'm Gene."

Bears vs. Themselves vs. 49ers Tonight

I have to be honest, I haven't been paying much attention to the Bears this year. And I've been a whole lot happier because of it.

I have probably watched 10 minutes of Bear football this year and I think in those 10 minutes I uttered somewhere around 75 "fucks!", "assholes!", "holy shits!" and "what the fuck are you doing you fucking assholes?".

I just cannot comprehend some of the decisions that the coaches make on a play-by-play basis - and this is pretty much just talking about the offensive side of the ball.

I understand that getting upset about the Bears' offense is about as productive as an Apple II, but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the idea that it's ok for a PROFESSIONAL NFL OFFENSE to suck more balls than John Amaechi. It's like we're hypnotized to believe that the offense can produce jack shit and if the team wins, everything is fine.

I guess I shouldn't expect much from the Bears fanbase when it comes to football knowlege and realistic expectations. Hell, at least half of the fan base accounts for Cubs fans and we all know how smart and professional they are up in Wrigleyville.

I'm not totally absolving the Bears fans who support the Sox either, because we know they have had their fair share of incidents as well (I was actually at that game). Sox fans have managed to at least appear informed about their team though, something that seems to elude those Old Style swilling yuppies on the North side.

Regardless of the baseball allegiances, there is one NFL team in Chicago and it's fucking unbelievable that we fans allow them to march out guys who wouldn't make the practice squads on some NFL teams and think it's okay for a QB rating of 75.2. These guys are supposed to be pros people!

If anyone has the opportunity - go down to Indianapolis and watch how they operate. Think their fans go into the stadium talking about how their key is to win the battle for "field position"? Fuck no. Think Colts fans are excited when the team gets their first 1st down in the waning minutes of the 2nd quarter? Think that has even happened since Peyton Manning took over? (I really don't know so if you wanna look that up - be my guest, but I'd put money on no)

Granted they have a HOF quarterback in Manning but they still have players around him that compete at an NFL level day-in and day-out, which is something the Bears simply cannot say. Digging up old has-beens and never-weres off the scrap heap (Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd) and trotting out an offensive line with more holes than Augusta National doesn't cut it Lovie.

And if it's not Lovie's fault (he is supposed to be a defensive guy after all) then what the fuck is Ron Turner still doing with a job? This guy has been as bad or worse than the guy whose favorite 3rd down play was the draw (see: John Shoop). Not only that, every year we have to hear about how Turner is "installing his system", which immediately makes me think of a panda bear taking a gigantic dump on a pack of fire ants.

I would like to challenge any Bears beat writer to sit next to Turner in the booth and just take notes of what he does during the games. I'm willing to bet that half the time he spends "calling plays" is really just him playing Battleship against himself.

God, I fucking hate Ron Turner.

See - even thinking about the Bears makes me angry. What the hell was this post about again? Oh yea - fucking stupid Bears and their shitty offense. I hope the whole offense (minus Kreutz - I can't stay mad at him) gets lost on the way to the game tonight and they're forced to play the defensive players on offense (there will be no difference) just to see what happens.

The Sox better make the damn playoffs because I'm going to need something to keep me from poking out my own eyes in a fit of rage.

The 2008 Nickname Olympics

In the spirit of the 29th Summer Olympiad, I have decided to award medals to athletes based not on their ability, performance or difficulty, but rather on a more indefinable characteristic: their nicknames.

And in an effort to be non-discriminant, we're including athletes from all sports, not just those lucky enough to be named as 'Olympic sports'.

When it comes to nicknames, the possibilities are basically endless. Nicknames can be based on anything from physical characteristics (El Gordo) to stupid announcer epithets (Big Bad Bobby Jenks) .

If you've ever sat through a White Sox television broadcast (I not only feel your pain), you've definitely heard good ole' boy Ken Harrleson's numerous nicknames for everyone from White Sox players to the hot dog vendors and of course his #1 best manfriend: Carl 'Yaz' Yastrzemski.

The awards for the best nicknames will be determined by the appropriateness of the nickname in relation to the athlete, overall badassness of the name, and/or if it's funny enough to make me laugh out loud. We will award gold, silver and bronze medals to multiple nicknames depending on the sport.
Since there are thousands of nicknames for athletes out there I decided to pick two for each medal and then some honorable mentions just for good measure. Don't like it? Get your own fuckin' blog you pukes.

AND HERE WE GO

Honorable Mentions:

• 'Broadway' Joe Namath - Gets credit for the mustache alone, the man did once receive $10,000 to shave it for a Remington razor commercial. Also guaranteed a Super Bowl and actually delivered (here's looking at you Matt Hasselbeck). Namath was also a fucking great quarterback who was the 1st QB to throw for 4,000 yards in a 14 game season. Hall of Fame coach Bill Walsh stated that Namath was "the most beautiful, accurate, stylish passer with the quickest release I've ever seen." Finally, without Joe's crazy Italian swagger and olive oily charm, there wouldn't be a need for a pretty funny and popular blog named after one of his infamous antics.

• Julius 'Dr. J' Irving - Star of the ABA and one of the pioneers of the 'above the rim' style of play, Dr. J earned the nickname in high school for his precise method of play. I'm sure he also played 'doctor' with somewhere around 512 young co-eds.

Bronze Medal Winners:

• Curtis 'Cujo' Joseph - A pretty damn good goalie in his day, Cujo derived his nickname from the 1st two letters of his first and last name and paired them with the vicious dog from the Steven King novel. Little does anyone know, Cujo's real name was Curtis Munro, changed to Joseph in 1989. Cumu just doesn't have quite the same ring to it does it? It certainly wouldn't have made him able to wear such a badass goalie mask.

• 'Shoeless' Joe Jackson - It just wouldn't be a Chicago Bull post without something about the White Sox would it? (Just wait for more down below it gets better). According to Jackson, he got his nickname during a game against the Brandon Mill team. Jackson suffered from a blister on his foot from a new pair of cleats. They hurt so much that he had to take his shoes off before an at bat. Once he was on base, a fan started yelling inappropriate and vulgar comments at him. One of the things Jackson was called was a "Shoeless son of a gun." The name stuck with him throughout the remainder of his life. (Thanks Wikipedia!)[9]
  

Silver Medal Winners:

• Wayne 'The Great One' Gretzky - The man was so good, after he retired he was immediately inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame. Back when hockey was cool and before a young man by the name of Eldrick Woods ever picked up a golf club, Gretzky was the best player in sports, and that's including MJ.
  


• Walter 'Sweetness' Payton - Look, us Bears fans rarely have anything to cheer about ok? So when a player like Sweetness comes around and fucking dominates everyone with his prolific 'stutter-step' move and his amazing speed, we sure as shit are going to give him an awesome nickname. The name also has to do with Walter Payton the man - even though it could just as easily be used to describe his play - because Payton was such an inspiring person on and off the field. It's a shame that many people our age never got to see him play, and I always look for the old-timers at Bears games wearing the #34 amongst the sea of #54 and #91.
  

Gold Medal Winners:

• Ted 'Teddy Ballgame' Williams - As much as it pains me to give any credit to a Boston player, Teddy Ballgame is my favorite nickname in all of sports and the reason why I sat down at my office today to write this post. Arguably the best left-handed hitter ever, Williams literally wrote the book on how to hit a baseball. In 1941, he entered the last day of the season with a batting average of .399. This would have been rounded up to .400, making him the first man to hit .400 since Bill Terry in 1930.
  
  Manager Joe Cronin left the decision whether to play up to him. Williams opted to play in both games of the day's doubleheader and risk losing his record. He got 6 hits in 8 at bats, raising his season average to .406. Williams also hit .400 in 1952 and .407 in 1953, both partial seasons; nobody has hit over .400 in a season since Williams.
  


• Pete 'Charlie Hustle' Rose - All cheating scandals aside, the motherfucker sure could play baseball. And play it he did. Rose played the game mean, running spikes-up into 2nd basemen to break up double plays, charging over catchers at home and rubbing dirt on every wound. Rose's nickname, "Charlie Hustle", was given to him for his play beyond the "call of duty" while on the field.
  
  Even when being walked, Rose would sprint to first base, instead of the traditional trot to the base. Rose was known for sliding headfirst into a base, his signature move. This method is now used almost exclusively by stealing base runners today, and has been ever since the late 70's. There's also that 44-game hitting streak that is still the longest ever in the National League.

Weekend Sendoff

This Weekend Sendoff is brought to you by The Doors and the song Peace Frog because not only is it a perfect song to kickoff a Friday happy hour, Jim Morrison proclaims in it that there's "blood on the streets in the town of Chicago".

With the fucking god awful cock-sucking Bahston Red Sawx in town against the White Sox and the St. Louis Drunk Drivers facing the Lovable Losers, there is sure to be a few drunken altercations in and around the respective stadiums. I'd attempt a gay joke about Cubs fans but lately they've stepped it up from their usual slap-fights and have taken to hospitalizing motherfuckers so give them a hand, and give that Sox fan back his eye for fuck's sake.

50,000 And Counting...

As of 5pm today, Chicago Bull has now reached 50,000 people and counting. We'd like to thank everyone who has ever given us a link, or answered questions when we first started this thing last September. It's been alot of fun to do and even if we get lazy and don't post for a day or two, we try to post something worth your time when we do. That said, we'd like to specifically thank the following:

- Jennifer Walcott, who drives more everyday traffic in then any other picture we've ever posted
- Long Wang's parents, who were cruel enough to name their own child Long nowing what their last name was anyways.
- West Coast Kid from FanIQ for helping us from the first question we asked
- Doug Sheckler for his help as well.
- MBSR for A: inspiring us to be complete pieces of shit that lead to us being the target of hatred from some cleft lip activists for a month (seriously, sorry you people took offense to me making a joke you sensitive pricks...talk about needing a stiff upper lip...ouch) and B: making us laugh our asses off.

Finally, thanks to all of you reading Chicago Bull. We hope you continue to come by while I call Juan Uribe a piece of shit and think of ways to describe how awful Trumaine McBride is.

PS: Thank you Juan for playing a great 3rd base recently. No I'm actually being honest, you're out of my dog house for right now, enjoy it while you can.

Deng, Bulls agree on 6-year deal

Bulls forward Luol Deng can breathe a sigh of relief. It's likely that Deng just became the richest Dinka to ever live, as the Chicago Tribune's K.C. Johnson is reporting that Deng agreed to a 6-year contract worth up to $80M late Tuesday night.

General manager John Paxson will confirm Wednesday that the Bulls have reached agreement on a six-year deal with restricted free agent Luol Deng.

The deal, first reported by the Tribune and ESPN.com's Marc Stein, is worth a guaranteed $71 million, according to sources. Incentives could push the contract's value to $80 million, sources said.

Deng, 23, rejected a five-year, $57.5 million extension in October and then joined in the season-long funk and malaise that shrouded the Bulls' underwhelming 2007-08 season.

So with right around $8M left without going into the forbidden land of the luxury tax, the Bulls now have the task of figuring out what to do with guard Ben Gordon.


A lot of talk is going on - including Ben's threats that he might jump on the overseas bandwagon and play in Europe - but it appears that the Bulls will most likely try some sort of sign-and-trade with the streaky shooting guard.

Gordon appears to believe he deserves money equal to what Deng received, but not only would that put the Bulls over the cap, they'd be locking up a lot of money that could be used in the 2010 free agent sweepstakes. $80M to Ben Gordon would be a big mistake, there are plenty of undersized guards out there at a much lower price.

The question is, where could Gordon go in a sign-and-trade? Right now your guess is as good as anyone, but I'd be willing to be bet that if they do make a deal, a center will be coming back to the Bulls way.

If they don't trade Gordon, the Bulls can tender a one-year $6.4M deal that would allow Gordon to become an unrestricted free agent after the 2008-09 season. This is not something that's advantageous for either Gordon or the Bulls, but it may be the last resort if they fail to trade him.

All things Gordon aside, with Deng locked in for the long haul, the starting lineup is a promising combination of youthful explosiveness and veteran talent, and hopefully will only get better with pieces added before the start of the season.

G Derrick Rose
G Kirk Hinrich
F Luol Deng
F Tyrus Thomas
C Joakim Noah

Wrestling with Long Wang..Not Just An Afternoon Endeavor

When the University of North Carolina goes out to recruit for athletes, apparently even hilariously suggestive names don't get in the way of a full scholarship.

Meet Long Wang, freshman wrestler for the Tar Heels and owner of the funniest athlete name since Mike Hunt.

I can only hope that his name in Chinese means something like "Walks Through Walls" but in English it means his life is full of shame and ridicule.

The only way his name could be funnier would be if his middle name was "Phuckin", in which case I would assume his parents are in fact, the funniest people ever to have lived.

If I were wrestling against this guy, I'd tell everyone in the stands to wait until he is introduced over the loudspeaker and do something like this...

Announcer: "Now wrestling at the 160lb. weight class, from Cary, NC: LONG WANG"

Opposing fans: "PROVE IT!"

I'm here all week folks.

Deng puts in his 2-weeks

If you were planning on buying a brand new Luol Deng #9 Bulls jersey before this season starts, you might want to hold off for a bit.

Yahoo! NBA writer Adrian Wojnarowski reports today that Bulls forward Luol Deng says he will end contract talks with the Bulls in two weeks if nothing is agreed to before Deng leaves to play in the Olympics.

Deng is determined to come to terms on a long-term contract, but he has set an Aug. 4 deadline to reach an agreement. Once Deng, 23, leaves the country for the European Championship qualifying tournament, he will [sic] sign a one-year qualifying offer for $4.5 million and become an unrestricted free agent in 2009.

The message to the Bulls promises to be implicit: Unless the two sides come to terms soon, Deng will never again negotiate with them. He will not let the uncertainty over his future hang over another basketball season, and unless a sign-and-trade is worked out, Deng will play out his final season in 2008-09 and sign elsewhere next summer.

When reached on Sunday, Deng’s agent, Jason Levien, would only say, “We continue to talk to the Bulls and remain hopeful that something can be accomplished.”

From what I've seen and heard from Luol in the past, he is not the type of guy to just casually threaten his employer. He has been very up front with Bulls management last season despite the lack of an extension and remains one of the core players from their original youth movement.

To lose Deng in a year for nothing in return would be one of John Paxson's worst failures as GM of the Bulls, and basically a terminable offense. Unless Jerry Reinsdorf is in full control of the situation, and it appears he is not, the Bulls need to come up with a contract that satisfies Deng and keeps the Bulls in the hunt for the 2010 free agency bonanza.

I think Deng is much more valuable than Ben Gordon, who also is in his own fight for the $$, and may very well be crafting his own 2-week ultimatum as I'm typing this. Deng has shown he can ball with the best, even during the playoffs (17.7/ 7.3/ 1.7), and shouldn't be regarded as just another hired hand that the Bulls can bully into agreeing to a less than fair deal.

We'll see today if the Bulls come back with a statement on Deng's posturing but they are officially on the clock and in a situation where Deng has the majority of the leverage.

Chicago Bull Word of the Day

We here at Chicago Bull like to be progressive with our posts. We don't just sit around all day with a bag of weed and some Cheetos throwing darts at a wall with ideas on it, as awesome as that may sound.

So today, I was talking with one of my female co-workers and we were discussing her attraction to older men. This girl is pretty decent looking, but apparently she enjoys the company of men in their mid-30s.

Why? It could be the security that most older men have, or maybe she just enjoys talking about what it was really like in the 1980's without having to watch that awful show in VH1.

Anyway, today I was chatting on our little company version of instant messenger and I inquired about her date last night when I thought of the greatest name for her older gentlemen callers: Manfriend.

Yep, manfriend is officially the inaugural Chicago Bull word of the day. Now if you think we're just going to put up a funny word every Friday and call it a day, you've got another thing coming.

No, we're going to Google that word and post the 1st picture that comes up for all of you to laugh and laugh and laugh. So yes, this horribly gay reenactment of a great Halloween costume inspired by the movie Karate Kid is the first thing that came up when I searched for today's word of the day.

We're going to try to do this every Friday so start sending in some words but DO NOT Google them first because that will take out all the humor of posting them on here.

The Doctor Returns

Yes kids, I'm back from Michigan. Glad to see you all played nice with Noce. I had a feeling he would throw up least a post..but a couple? Well done sir. I'll try to to have something up for you a little later on today as I play read-the-worthless-email-from-the-past-three-days ago even though I wouldn't have read it anyways.

Rose named to USA Select Team

I knew there was a reason I signed up for the MyBulls newsletters - they always give me good posting topics. Today's most recent topic - Bulls' rookie PG Derrick Rose has been named to the USA Men's Basketball Select Team. Rose will join nine other top young NBA players to help the 2008 USA Senior National team that will compete in the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing.

Team USA Managing Director, and former Illini, Jerry Colangelo named Oklahoma City head coach and last year's Select Team head coach P.J. Carlisimo as the head coach for this year's team. Colangelo explains the thought process behind having what is virtually a JV team.

“We also brought into the senior team’s training camp last summer a select team of young NBA superstars and it proved to be valuable preparation for our Senior Team. Again in 2008 the Select Team features some of the league’s most promising young and upcoming players – including Kevin Durant who is a member of our Senior National Team and was the 2008 NBA Rookie of the Year.

We’re looking for this select group to really compete and help prepare our senior team for Beijing,” said Colangelo.

I'm happy for Rose to earn such honors without even playing one minute of NBA basketball but at the same time, I worry after his recent MRI results showing tendonitis, more basketball will only hurt his chances of being 100% going into the 2008-09 NBA season.

I think I can speak for everyone at ChicagoBull, which is basically only myself and Dr. C (Sorry EA), and refer back to our last post that said Rose needs some serious rest if he's ever going to be able to heal.

I'm no doctor, let me just get that outta the way. In fact, I have made it through 24 years of life pretty much ignoring what would generally be considered sound medical advice, but I decided to read up on tendonitis and here's what I found, particularly about tendonitis in the knee.

From to About.com's Orthopedics section,

What causes patellar tendonitis?
Patellar tendonitis is the condition that arises when the tendon and the tissues that surround it, become inflamed and irritated. This is usually due to overuse, especially from jumping activities. This is the reason patellar tendonitis is often called "jumper's knee."

When overuse is the cause of patellar tendonitis, patients are usually active participants of jumping-types of sports such as basketball or volleyball. Patellar tendonitis may also be seen with sports such as running and soccer. Also, some patients develop patellar tendonitis after sustaining an acute injury to the tendon, and not allowing adequate healing. This type of traumatic patellar tendonitis is much less common than overuse syndromes.

What is the treatment for patellar tendonitis?

Rest
The most important first step in treatment is to avoid activities that aggravate the problem. Your body is the best guide to know how much to rest the injured knee--if an activity hurts in the area of the injured patellar tendon, then you should rest from that activity.

The good news about this is that according to the same site, surgery is extremely rare and almost never an option unless chronic patellar tendonitis develops. So he's got that going for him, for now, which is nice.

I guess Rose will have to be the person in charge of how he feels but from his reputation as a gym rat who had dozens of MRI's on his knee during his one year at Memphis, I wouldn't doubt that he'll just play through the pain. Whether or not that affects his performance is yet to be determined.

I hope for the kid's sake and for the Bulls' sake that this is strictly a learning opportunity for him to gain knowledge of the position he'll be playing from some of the game's current greats in Deron Williams and Jason Kidd.

Greenstein: North close to joining WLS

Continuing from our previous post on ChicagoBull's favorite morning loudmouth, Teddy Greenstein is reporting today that Mike North is close to agreeing to a deal with WLS-AM 890.

WLS-AM 890 is on the verge of tendering an offer to former WSCR-AM 670 morning man Mike North, according to an industry source. But the source said North, with his eyes on another potential deal, might decline it.

The morning slot at WLS has been occupied by "Don Wade & Roma" since 1985. The hosts' contracts are up in November.
comment.

I tried checking the Sun-Times to see if they have dug up anything but at usual, they've got nothing but another column from that asshat Jay Mariotti. Will someone please tell me who reads his columns? I'd like to meet some Mariotti fans - if there are any - and ask them a few questions.

Anyway - back to North. I checked on his website and there was no news of his move over to WLS so I guess we'll just have to play the waiting game.

I hope he finds somewhere soon - and I wonder if the show will stay the same as it was on WSCR. As long as Jen Jen is still there, I'll be a happy man.
Lets end this one on a high note - Jen Patterson ladies and gentlemen.

Bears ink Kevin Jones to 1-year deal

The Bears signed RB Kevin Jones to a 1-year deal (in case you didn't read the headline) today, rounding out their Mazda Protege-like offseason free-agent group that also includes such players as Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd.

Jones, fresh off a knee surgery that scared most teams away, will try to fill the void left by Cedric Benson. So really, a 10-yard run on his first carry from scrimmage and he'll pretty much be seen as a good signing.

The weird thing is, and thanks to Pro Football Talk for pointing it out, head coach Lovie Smith has said all along that the Bears were not looking to add a veteran back to make up for the loss of Benson.

The move conflicts with coach Lovie Smith’s subsequent comments, during which he said that the team had no plans to add a veteran tailback to replace Benson.

“We don’t have any plans to do that,” Smith said. “From Matt [Forte’] to Adrian Peterson to Garrett Wolfe, to P.J. Pope, Matt Lawrence, we like all of our players and those are the ones that we’re going with.”

Whether it was a smokescreen aimed at keeping Jones’ asking price low or the result of a fears that Forte’ won’t be ready to be the Week One starter as a rookie, the team has changed course, dramatically.

So now not only do they have a quarterback controversy that's about to explode with the rumors that GM Jerry Angelo is interested in the Bucs' Chris Simms, they also have a clusterfuck at RB. This is what happens when you let the incomprable douche Ron Turner run what is supposed to look like an "offense".

I've had to deal with Turner's retarded logic for too many years now, going back to when he took the reigns of a promising Illinois team and ran it straight into the ground by recruiting and signing something like 14 quarterbacks in three years.

It was rumored that Turner had seven QB's all on full scholarship when he was fired in 2004 after back-to-back stellar seasons of 1-11 and 3-8. One of those seven was Jon Beutjer. Enough said.

I don't know why the Bears picked him up for a second go-around but this is a guy who sports an anemic 35-57 (.380) record as a head coach and so far has failed to produce anything that would remotely be considered an offensive attack.

I could rant on Turner for hours but I'd just end up angry and right back where I started - me at work upset and Ron Turner douching away probably on some golf course. Ron Turner is the type of guy to play every out of bounds as a lateral hazard, knowing full well he's shaving a few strokes off his usual score of 94.

What was the point of this post again? Oh yea Kevin Jones, see that about sums it up right there - who gives a shit? Add another broken wheel to this already fuming truck and lets get excited about an 8-8 season.

Pineapple Express Song, although European, still pretty cool

I'm sure by now you've seen the trailer to Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan's upcoming new realease titled Pineapple Express. From what I've seen so far, the movie looks like it's got some potential. Express co-star James Franco, fresh off his role in the amazingly lame Spiderman series, appears to finally be part of a movie that doesn't completely suck. I kinda like him though he could be the next Brad Pitt - just throwing that out there.

Anyway, the song from the trailer is pretty fucking cool and I managed to find one that didn't have the embedding disabled in YouTube so check it out. The artist, M.I.A., is British by way of Sri Lanka and I'd say about a 7 outta 10. She does get bonus points for rocking the Ride the Lightning t-shirt though, that is impressive.

Weekend Fuck Off

I know Dr. C likes to call this little segment the 'Weekend Sendoff" but I'm the Captain of this ship for the next few days and if you haven't already noticed, I'm a little more cynical than my good buddy. Today you get the weekend 'Fuck Off'.

It's for everyone - you readers (seriously what the hell are you doing reading this site? Have you run out of things to Wikipedia?), the people in my office who are incompetant fucking retards and have about two ounces of working brain matter, and especially to my girlfriend's girlfriend for getting knocked up - which subsequently forced my girlfriend to go with this dumb slut to get the unwanted fetus aborted this morning, successfully cockblocking me for an entire weekend.

Anyway, since I'm already pissed off today because of my stupid job, I figured I'd give you guys a nice little metal song to listen to because listening to it on repeat is the only thing that's currently keeping me from taking my desk chair and throwing it out my 10th floor window onto Michigan Ave.

I have been listening to a steady dose of 'More Human than Human' by White Zombie but that's just not quite hardcore enough for bullshit days like today.

I'll spare you the boring details about my ass-backwards sales job and let you enjoy the only thing good to ever come out of Germany besides Octoberfest and Dolph Lundgren.

For those of you sadists, I'll be here next week posting away my thoughts on everything from the NBA (naturally), the White Sox, and if you're lucky I'll bust out an ESPN Member Douchebag that puts all the others to shame.

So eat shit fuckers, I'm spending the rest of the day at my desk thinking about when I can have my first beer.

Quick Programming Note

I'm off to the annual vacation in Michigan as of tomorrow, and I'll be back posting as usual on Thursday when I return to this magical cubicle. Speaking of posting...do something you cunt rags. Anyways, if you don't see any posts from here til then, you'll know why. Hopefully Noce will keep you entertained. He'll have your weekend send-off pretty soon. Also, the boss is leaving at noon, so you'll probably have a post or two thereafter. That is all for now. Fuck shit cock balls.

The Adventures Dr. C and Noce This Past Weekend

I know it's a little late, but I decided to post this anyway. Last weekend was a little ridiculous for me and my ol' buddy Noce. And now you're going to hear about it.

A good friend of ours was in town from Phoenix for the 4th of July, and last Thursday after work Noce and I met up with him, his friend who he brought with him (who was a real fucking odd duck if you know what I mean. He looked like a journalist from Montana who had seen too many steers put down the day before. Plus he asked us if we could hook him up with some blow, which was also strange; we don't dabble in that tomfoolery).

The plan? If you guessed get extremely intoxicated and hit on attractive women, you're correct. So we proceeded to Noce's manor where we started the boozin'.

We had some sort of deal at a club Enclave where it was an hour of free drinks from 9-10 and half off cover, which would have still been $10 after the deal. Let it be known, that I, Dr. C, fucking hate clubs. I enjoy the hot girls there, but would much rather go to a bar.

As usual, we're pretty shit-canned by the time we get there. Only problem is, it's 9:50 by the time we get in line. This did not make the doctor pleased:

Dr. C: So we have to pay twenty dollars to get in this motherfucker now?!
Noce: You'll be fine once you get in there, dude.

(pauses, thinks it over)

Dr. C: Fuck this, I'm not giving away twenty fucking dollars to pay eight dollars a beer. I'm out.

And with that I bolted; destination unknown. Sometimes when I get drunk, I over analyze situations. I don't like my chances for booze being reduced and overpriced when I'm already shitfaced. So I strolled down the street where I stumbled into what I believed was T.G.I. Fridays. I grabbed a stool, got a double jack and coke and surveyed the scene.

The damp, dewy shit hole had equal representation in its Thursday night clientele. An old man next to me who looked like he had been laid off after 32 years at the post office, a younger couple on the verge of fucking in their booth. Garbage.

Luckily, a friend of mine lives just two blocks down the street, and he didn't mind me coming over. So I went there and drank for free.

About three hours later, I get a call from Noce:

Noce: Dude, I'm in a cab
Dr. C: Did you just leave
Noce: Yeah
Dr. C: Come pick my ass up, I'm two blocks away.
(Just as I tell Noce my coordinates, I immediately hear him yelling at the cab driver, fuck, stop, go here, go here in a slightly drunken Noce tone)

As I hop in the Cab, Noce looks like he just took 3 vicodin after eating a thanksgiving meal. He was mush. Dude, I'm fucked up he replies. I laugh.

We pull up outside of his place, and I get out of the cab. Noce is just sitting there. Let's go, Dummy I say to him trying to coax him out. He finally gets out. He takes two steps and collapses onto the car next to him.

Now when I say collapse, I mean complete upper body all over the hood of this SUV.

Dr. C: (laughing) What the fuck are you doing?
Noce: Mmmmmmmumble

So I guide Noce to his bed, and the second I toss him in, he starts making an upchuck face. Normally, using the garbage can next to his head would have been the best option, but I'm kinda drunk so I tried getting him to the toilet. Yeah, not so much. He got most of it in there, but there was some damage done.

Now enter Noce's roommate. He's a former D-1 college lineman measuring in at 6'2", and well over 300 lbs.

Roommate: WHERE THE FUCK IS (NOCE)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. C: What happened?
Roommate: THAT MOTHERFUCKER STUCK ME WITH A $350 DOLLAR TAB AT THE BAR!!

(Death and Destruction ensues)

I convinced him to go outside before things were dismantled, and calmed him down. Apparently the group got a bottle at the club which was $265 dollars, plus good old Cook County taxes. Noce wanted shot glasses to go with the bottle, instead he got four shots, $50 in all. While they all agreed to split the cost of the bottle, Noce was going to put the tab on his card and get the money from everyone. He never put the card down. He left it for his roommate. He also never got the money from our friend from Phoenix, and his nose-candying work associate.

I on the other hand, spent less then 20 dollars and drank the rest of the miller lite in Noce's fridge.

Sometimes over analyzing is the right thing to do. Good times.

Programming Note

For those of you lucky college kids home for the summer with nothing to do, or if you're just bored at work, the Bulls take on the Miami Heat in about 10 minutes in the Orlando Summer Leage. Michael Beasley is out of the game, virtually removing any interesting storyline but for the diehards, this game is a must-see.

You can watch the game on your computer via the world wide web and NBA.com - and I highly recommend you do because these announcers are hilarious. They know only about 15 people are listening so they say whatever they want and it's actually really funny.

In the first game today Indiana played Oklahoma City and roughly 90% of the broadcast was spent coming up with hilarious fake names for the new Oklahoma City (god that's fucking annyoing to type) team.

So check it out - take a break from masturbating/Microsoft Excel in your respective states and check out both Vinny Del Negro and Derrick Rose's 1st "game" as a Chicago Bull.

He Gone? White Sox ponder announcer Jackson's future

Just when I was finally coming to terms with the nightly trainwreck that White Sox broadcaster Darrin Jackson calls "work", the Sox are going to up and oust him from his perch inside Ken "Hawk" Harrleson's nest and replace him with Chicago's go-to baseball guy: Steve Stone.

The Chicago Tribune is reporting today that the Sox have yet to announce whether they plan on picking up an option for DJ, who has actually made it through nine seasons of White Sox baseball defending his anemic .257 batting average every chance he gets.

DJ is supposed to be the "color" guy (not colored guy you racist assholes) but he often loses his train of thought during one of his pointless diatribes and reverts back to aimlessly stumbling over even the most pedestrian statistical references.

Jackson and Hawk, notorious homers, have been known to go long portions of innings without uttering a word, and when DJ finally tries to interrupt the awkward silence, he usually says retarded things like his thoughts on how the DH allows pitchers to throw inside more to lefties during home games.

DJ also has managed to change his manner of speaking to imitate Hawk's Southern draw and it only makes him that much more annyoing, especially when he opens the broadcast with his patented "Howdy folks" line. It's usually at that point when I chug an entire beer to get myself towards his level of thinking.



I think Stone would be a nice change of pace to DJ's usual pointless banter because Stone does have a lot of knowledge about the game. I worry that he and Hawk will have a lot of bumps in the road along the way though, because both are very opinionated people and Hawk can be somewhat of a jackass at times.

I'm curious to see how this will all play out, because I know that Hawk does like DJ and they do have the power to say whatever they want on air, at least it seems like it because they talk about some stupid shit sometimes, so if this turns into and ugly feud you might hear some of Hawk or even DJ's thoughts on the matter during another meaningless Brian Anderson at bat.