There's 24 hours until the end of the Bears season. Evil Terrorist Rex Al-Grossman-bin Nothrow has infiltrated and brainwashed Lovie Smith, the free leader of the Chicago Bears. His immediate demands, although dimwittedly spoken, are to rule an offensive arsenal (not really but play along) so explosive it could even make Mike Martz blush. With no help in sight to stop this heinous act, it falls on one man to save the Bears...(Cue dramatic music, shadow his face on the left side making him seem like a badass)
Yes, that's a deadly weapon in his hand. Brian seems mild-mannered enough, but deep beneath the surface lies the anger towards Rex Al-Grossman-bin Nothrow. He has watched helplessly as bin Nothrow has fed the ball to other Chicago Bear enemies. He has heard bin Nothrow spread his prophecy that he is the chosen one for the Chicago Bears, and the public accepted it at the time. But Rex is weak now, and the people demand answers. Lets start the clock:
9:16:01 AM: Brian tends to pancakes for his daughter while collecting his intel from a man code named ORTON. ORTON informs Griese where and when Al-Grossman bin Nothrow will be tonight. Griese contemplates his next move over a glass of orange juice.
10:34:27 AM: Al-Grossman bin Nothrow is staring at the ceiling. He is supposed to be watching tape of his next opponent to better his chances at succeeding. Instead, he is thinking about how he wishes his last name was McLovin'. To make sure his plans of manipulation are met tonight, he calls Lovie to arrange a secret meeting. Rex has no idea that Griese will be coming for him, armed and dangerous (cue dramatic showdown music).
12:47:22 PM: ORTON has picked up a reading on the movements of Rex. ORTON has spotted him near a Lake Forest shopping center picking up his shipment of Jack Daniels. It appears Rex has bought tape and wire. This is not to hold himself together. This is exactly what he needs to attach his bomb to Lovie. They will be meeting tonight it appears. ORTON picks up his cell phone to inform Brian of the new developments. Griese lets it go to voicemail as he's in the men's department of Macy's shopping for ties.
2:17:30 PM: Griese is done shopping, and done playing games. His new gold tie is in place, and he's ready for action. He gets ORTON's voicemail, and heads to Halas Hall in hopes beating the information out of Al-Grossman bin Nothrow's cronies. Ahead in the corner of the locker room, he spots Mushin Muhammad, a Rex loyalist and antichrist in the making. The situation unfolds as so:
GRIESE: WHERE IS REX MEETING LOVIE?
MUHAMMAD: I WILL NEVER TELL! AL-GROSSMAN, AL-GROSSMAN, AL-GROSSMAN BIN-NOTHROW.
GRIESE: WHERE IS HE NOW!!
MUHAMMAD: YOU'LL NEVER STOP REX! HA-BAK-ULAH HAK SHERPA SHERPA!
(A FIGHT BREAKS OUT, MUHAMMAD PUNCHES GRIESE, GRIESE GETS PISSED AND SHOOTS HIM IN THE HAND)
GRIESE: TELL ME WHERE HE IS GOING OR I WILL SHOOT YOUR OTHER HAND!
MUHAMMAD: NEVER, NEVER!
(GRIESE SHOOTS HIM IN THE OTHER HAND)
MUHAMMAD: BASTARD! HE'S MEETING HIM IN DICK'S SPORTING GOODS IN GLENVIEW.
GRIESE: YOU HAVE MADE A WISE DECISION.
(News Ticker: Bears label Mushin Muhammad doubtful for Sunday's game, Chicago rejoices)
8:52:57 PM: After returning home for dinner with the family, (which his wife undercooked, giving him indigestion = An even more pissed off Griese) Brian heads to the Glenview parking lot and waits for the two parties to arrive. Al-Grossman bin Nothrow gets dropped by his wife at the front door, accompanied by Olin Kreutz-Fingerwaveskya a known Russian Mafia member. Lovie is dragged in by Pep Hamilton, another Rex Loyalist.
9:03:25 PM: Pep is meeting and greeting the people walking in a as clever PR ploy, and Griese knows this. However, since Pep Hamilton obviously never coaches the quarterbacks - hence why the suck, Griese slips past Pep with no problem. In a predictable Al-Grossman bin Nothrow move, the three are talking next a rack of footballs. Griese is ready, and he makes his move as follows:
GRIESE: I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS, REX!
REX: (POINTING) IT IS GRIESE! KREUTZ-FINGERWAVESKYA, BLOCK HIM FROM COMING NEAR ME!
(KREUTZ-FINGERWAVESKYA RUNS OUT TO BLOCK GRIESE, BUT GRIESE GIVES HIM A QUICK SWIM MOVE, WHICH ALWAYS WORKS ON KREUTZ).
REX: NOOOO! I WILL TAKE YOU OUT MYSELF!
(REX GRABS FOOTBALL AFTER FOOTBALL, BUT KEEPS THROWING IT AT HIS FEET DESPITE HIS CLOSING DISTANCE).
GRIESE: YOUR REIGN IS OVER!
(GRIESE KICKS AL-GROSSMAN BIN-NOTHROW IN HIS SURGICALLY REPAIRED ANKLE, DROPPING THE BEFUDDLED BEAR).
REX: LOVIE, PLEASE HELP ME!
LOVIE:TURNS TO GRIESE REX IS OUR QUARTERBACK...REX IS OUR QUARTERBACK
(GRIESE REALIZES THIS IS NOTHING BUT A ROBOT, AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE).
LOVIE: OWW, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
GRIESE: MY APOLOGIES COACH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROBOT.
LOVIE: WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING, I FEEL LIKE I WAS BRAINWASHED...
GRIESE: YOU WERE. THIS MAN IS NOT WHO YOU THOUGHT HE WAS. HE IS IN FACT REX AL-GROSSMAN BIN-NOTHROW, A WELL KNOWN TERRORIST GIVING AWAY BOMBS TO OUR ENEMIES. HE HAS BEEN USING YOU TO GAIN RESOURCES TO BUILD THE ULTIMATE BOMB: A MULTI-YEAR CONTRACT. IT IS I, BRIAN GRIESE WHO HAS SAVED YOU FROM THIS ATTROCITY.
LOVIE: WELL THEN, THAT'S IT...GRIESE IS OUR QUARTERBACK.
10:37:12 PM: Resting comfortbaly in bed watching Letterman, Griese has ended this terrorist's reign. Rex has been defeated, and is mostly likely sniffing glue in the parking lot of a Staples wondering how he went wrong.
12:00:00 PM WEDNESDAY
LOVIE: WERE 1-2, AND GRIESE IS NOW OUR QUARTERBACK