Friday, February 29, 2008

Weekend Metallica

Steg and Trunk have been MIA, so just in case, I figured if you strolled your way over to this part of the rapeosphere, I wanted to make sure you weren't denied. COLOR OUR EARTH WITH BLACKENED..BLACKENED

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

This is a looong overdue post, but I want to first preference it by thanking faithful reader stalkingerinandrews for finding this fuckstick for us. Considering he sent MR.PATRIOT81 to us right around the Super Bowl, we've been a bit lazy. But with the Boss out today, and Noce probably half way in the fucking can by now, I'll be productive in non work shenanigans. That said, let's take a look at the biggest front-running, BBMak loving, Hollister wearing, Shitstain smelling "bro" I've seen thus far on here...he's none other then MR.PATRIOT81

JUST LOOK AT HIS FUCKING TEAMS HE LIKES. Let's go to the visual for this one:

As you can see, MR.PATRIOT81, (or as his aol friends know him as JTmbrlakeismyidol) apparently doesn't plant his fucking flag in one state. Try Seven. Look out Pacific Northwest, MR.PATRIOT IS COMING TO A WESTFIELD MALL TO TRY ON ABERCROMBIE CLOTHES THANKS TO MOM GIVING HIM MONEY FOR A SUPER TERRIFIC REPORT CARD NEAR YOU!!!

His favorite sports moments indicate to me that nothing happened before he was born in his eyes;

"Whatching Kobe drop 81 against the Raptors. I never though anyone would score over 80"

First off, ass clown shows his riting skills with his opening word. Second, MR.PATRIOT, please examine this picture below:

March 2, 1962


A: Go to nearest local hardware store

B: Get six feet of thick rope

C: Go to nearest bridge

D: Tie rope around your neck and attach to bridge. Please make sure bridge attachment is sturdy.

E: Jump off, with end result looking something like this (pics are so super sweet bro, couldn't help myself):

Moving on. For future reference MR.PATRIOT, just put every stupid fucking sport ever invented by some hella cool brah. A whole paragraph worth of everything X-Games to Grabassing is quite unnecessary.


What a fucking surprise...I'm sure you're as enthusiastic about your job as Louie Anderson was in Coming to America: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm folding clothes. Soon I'll be on register; then the front greeter. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Finally, MR.PATRIOT informs us he's met a lady friend (not visible on the super sweet pic above bros)

I finally found a great girl that is a Patriot fan and I met her a few weeks back but we are just now getting serious.

Good for you. When she breaks up with your sorry ass next week for the douche across the street, I've saved you some trouble bro by linking you some Dashboard to sob over for the next month, you fucking pussy. Go suck J.J. Redick's dick while you're at, he's been in need of some "Coldplay" too.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Unofficially the greatest day ever invented

This may look like an innocent street corner on a regular Big Ten campus. It usually is, but it won't be tomorrow.

"Drink until you're Irish."

That's the motto for my weekend, and I'm not alone.

It might not be March quite yet, but that hasn't stopped the great organizers of Unofficial St. Patrick's Day at the University of Illinois from planning the greatest drinking day since the day before Thanksgiving.

Tonight I will leave the Windy City and drive two hours south to Champaign, where I will join thousands of other people who are anxious to celebrate Unofficial by drinking my weight in alcohol.

Unofficial is the one day a year where kids (and adults in my case) forget about everything they have to worry about everyday, put on a green shirt and proceed to get shitfaced. Now those of you who might yawn at the idea of a college campus getting drunk, I assure you, this is not a typical .25 cent beer day. Kids wake up at 7am to get ready for this event. Kegs are tapped by 7:30 and by noon you are more likely to find someone puking on a corner than someone who could tell you directions to the quad. Illinois is a great school academically but all that flies out the window of the local watering hole tomorrow, because tomorrow is Unofficial.

Last year, my senior year, I was supposed to work at Piccadilly during Unofficial. Piccadilly is a liquor store for those of you not around here, and let me tell you working at a liquor store on Unofficial is the equivalent to working for the Janjaweed on a typical African Tuesday: it's a compelte and utter shitstorm. So last year I had only been working at this crappy job to supplement the meager pay I earned from working as the Sports Editor for the student newspaper at Illinois and I really didn't give a shit about the job.

I convinced myself that I needed to go into work that day but I could still handle drinking a little beforehand. Hell, my boss used to let us drink on the job so what the fuck does he care if I come in to work a little drunk? It's not like I'm operating on fucking Heath Ledger here, I'm selling 30 packs of Keystone to every Jane, Dick and Sally with an ID that looks 50% like the kid handing it to me.

Anyway, I went out and drank in the morning like any good student would and planned to go into work at 3pm like I was scheduled. After about 10 beers, some shots of green shit (sidenote: everything is fucking green on Unofficial, and I mean everything. T-Shirts, scarves, mittens, beer, shots, fuck even the cocaine is green on Unofficial that's just the way it is) and maybe a couple screwdrivers to get the taste of beer from the night before out of my mouth, I was well on my way to intoxication.

At this point, I'm perfectly fine to go into work but I'm starting to feel like I have other things I'd rather be doing than spending the rest of my day not drinking.

So a few friends and I head back to my house and we run out of beer after like a half hour because of course, chicks don't ever bring beer they just expect other people to hand it to them. Most of the bitches at U of I won't even open their own beers, that's how spoiled and gay they really are. So I get the bright idea to go get a keg! And what better place to get a keg than the very place that I work for, Piccadilly? It's right across the street from my apartment, shit I can practically read the time on the wall, why wouldn't I go in there? Oh yea, because I have to be in there for work in 3 hours. Does that stop me? No. I head on over with the intentions of buying a keg.

I apparently was more drunk than I thought because as we walked into the store I couldn't figure out that the door pulls open so that people delivering kegs can just back them out. Pretty smart huh? Apparently too smart for me. So I'm sitting there pushing and pushing and the door is winning by a mile, until my manager opens it, calls me a retard and asks me what the fuck I'm doing. I tell him I'm here to buy a keg, and no it's not for me, I'm just getting it for them because I'm a nice guy and that's what nice guys do.

So I wheel the keg on over to my apartment and forget that I have the little cart that we use to carry those fuckers to the cars. We only had like 5 of those carts for the whole store and there are probably about 300 kegs sold on this one day alone so that's roughly 60 kegs per cart. Well they were one light after I left because I was not about to wheel that bitch all the way back there (things tend to appear much further away when you don't need anything from them don't they?) just so my boss can call me an idiot again. I'll just bring it back later.

Long story short, or at least shorter, I never went to work, got fired and didn't bring the cart back until a week later when my boss left me a profanity-laced voicemail threatening to get me arrested for stealing property.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty productive day. I can't really remember anything past 4pm so this is where the story ends...until I return on Sunday with more tales of the finest day of the year.

Pray for me.

Let's See How Good Greg Walker Really Is...

If you're a fellow Sox fan such as myself, you know how hard it was to watch last year's team suck at life. Fuck, they couldn't do anything right after reaching 27-24. Well, Kenny's gone out and made some good off-season moves, and one of the players I'm most interested in watching this year is Jose Contreras' newest Banana Boat buddy, Alexei Ramirez. Probably my favorite Sox blog, Sox Machine is in Tucson providing us with a brief glimpse at Ramirez:

Granted, it's him drawing a two out walk; but Jim wasn't kidding about his looong ass swing. Kinda reminds of my swing back in the day (I was a good pitcher and fielder, but had to leg everything out because I had no pop). Well Greg, the Sox offense had the worst run production and batting average in the AL last year, and now it's time to see what you're really made of. Walker, or Sweet as he was known along side Ron Kittle (Swat) played 9 season with the South Siders, with his best production coming in 85' when he 24 HR's, 92 RBI's, and batted .258 (Paul Konerko aproves of these numbers: 07': 31HR's, 90 RBI's, .259). However, the guy is the owner of career .326 OBP. Not exactly earth shattering shit, here.

He's tinked with plenty of players swings, from Thomas to Tadahito. Now let's see if you're really worth your contract extension you signed in 2006, buddy. Nicky Swish-a-licious and Orlando Cabrera will defintely help the numbers out, but players like Ramirez, Jerry "Fuck I popped out again" Ownens and Carlos Quentin are going to need to step up where Ryan Sweeney, Brain Anderson and Andy "Where did the damn ball go?" Gonzalez did not.

Despite the fact the Tigers and Indians are the acknowledged favorites in the Central, I'm really excited about this team and the upcoming season...mostly because I'm sick of watching a shitty Bulls team and the fact the Hawks probably won't make the playoffs. But none the less, I leave you with...WHITE SOX, WHITE SOX, GO GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! (PS If you're a Sox fan and you don't get excited for April singing along, never read this website again..ever)

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Seriously Cubs Fans, You'd Rather Have Lieber Start Over Marquis?

So I was on reading the different headlines when I saw today's poll question:

The top of the Cubs starting rotation is practically set with Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster (yikes) and Rich Hill. Who's your choice for the fifth starter?

- Jon Lieber

- Jason Marquis

- Sean Marshall

To me, this seemed like a no brainer. You're talking about a guy who ate up 191 innings for you and went 12-9. Sure he games he got his ass handed to him; who doesn't? But the results surprised me:

LIEBER: 50.6%

MARQUIS: 14.5%


ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? MARSHALL ABSOLUTELY BLOWS!!!! I wouldn't even begin to think for a minute that Cubs' fans would seriously vote for that ass clown. That guys' curve ball is worse then mine. I don't of anyone who throws more meat over the plate. Here's a look at the last two years between Lieber and Marquis:


2006: STL: 14-16 194.3 IP 221 H 136 R 130ER 35HR 75 BB 96 K 6.02 ERA 1.523 WHIP

2007: CHC: 12-9 191.7 IP 190 H 111R 98ER 22HR 76BB 109K 4.60 ERA 1.388 WHIP


2006: PHI: 9-11 168.0 IP 196H 100 R 92ER 27HR 24BB 100K 4.93 ERA 1.310 WHIP

2007: PHI: 3-6 78.0IP 91H 44R 41ER 7HR 22BB 54K 4.73ERA 1.449 WHIP

When you breakdown the numbers, neither one really stands out abover the other, except for the innings and age factor (obviously not depicted above). Marquis is a horse, and only turns 30 this year. Lieber is entering his 14th season, and turns 38 in a little over a month.

If it were me as the Cubs fan, I would personally want Marquis to at least start in the fifth spot, and keep Lieber fresh for further on in the season. Well, I've made my case for Marquis; make yours for Lieber.

BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, February 25, 2008

What Palatine Needs is a SCHWANTZ

Yes, you're reading that headline correctly. Former Bears/Cowboys/49'ers linebacker Jim Schwantz is taking on incumbent (combining Schwantz and incumbent = gold) Palatine mayor Rita Mullins for the upcoming elections.

"I'm a product of Palatine," Schwantz said. "For the better part of 30 years, I've taken advantage of everything Palatine offers. I felt at this point, it's time for me to start giving back."

That's right, it's payback time...Schwantz style. We here at Chicago Bull fully endorse the Schwantz, and we've even decided to give him a few suggestions for his campaign in no particular order:








"HOLY SHIT MY SCHWANTZ IS ON FIRE" (Overheard at one of the rallies)

Feel free to add your campaign slogan in the comments section, and remember...
BallHype: hype it up!

I.F.H. Monday's

That's all I got for you today. Enjoy.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Would You Rather...?

Happy Friday, kids. I'm pleased to see our first installment of 'Would You Rather...?' has gotten some feedback. After posing the intial question, I've been pondering some more potential questions, when Noce posed a question to me which I've been thinking out, and I turn to you, our readers for your thoughts. I don't really care for Detroit or Cleveland as cities. In my humble opinion, they can both be hit with a contained strain of the black plague and would have no affect on my life (Sorry Isaac, nothing personal). Plus my ex-girlfriend has family in Detroit so it would almost be an added bonus. So with that in mind...





Let's start things off with a tale of the tape between these two baskets of human filth:


POPULATION: 918,849---------------------------------478,403

NICKNAME: Motor City-------------------------The Forest City (fucking lame)

DANGER RANKINGS: 1st------------------------------------10th

FOUNDED: 1701-----------------------------------1796

SPORTS: Lions, Pistons, Tigers, Red Wings-----------------Browns, Cavs, Indians

KNOWN FOR: Auto Industry----------------------------Steel/Manufacturing

Alright, enough with this bullshit. Let's get down to it. After spending more time then I cared to on Wikipedia, I found it funny that one of Detroit's sister cities is Basra, Iraq which is depicted here:

And now Detroit:

Hey, they really are sister cities! When it comes down to it, I don't give a flying fuck about the economic status or any of that shit, so let's compare sports quickly here. The Browns are looking respectable again, and even though I hate the Indians and their fan base more then any in the U.S., the Tribe are pretty damn good, and the Cavs are decent. Pretty good combo there.

As for Detroit, the Lions blow ass, the Tigers are the favorite for the World Series in the A.L. this year, Piss-ons are good, and the Red Wings (go fuck yourselves) are the best in the NHL.

I would say Detroit has the sports edge based on having an extra team to make up for the Lions. HOWEVER, I would like actually like to live long enough to watch my teams win, so I guess I choose Cleveland. There's no real winner here; just a mindless existance in two black holes of relevance. SO, WHICH ONE YOU GOT?!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Paxson Can't Pull The Trigger until 0:01 on anything

It appears that Mr. Clutch himself, John Paxson, waited until there was no time left on the clock for the 2008 trade deadline and then launched up a prayer. The prayer resulted in a 3-team
trade involving Chicago, Cleveland and Seattle that went down like this:

Bulls get:

Larry Hughes
Drew Gooden
Cedric Simmons
Shannon Brown

Cavaliers get:

Ben Wallace
Joe Smith
Wally Szerbiack
Delonte West
Joe Smith
Future 2nd round pick from Chicago

Sonics get:

Ira Newble
Adrian Griffin
Donyell Marshall

Let's not forget the most important thing, never again will we see this:

And on the 8th day, John Paxson rested. I never thought I'd be so happy to pickup Larry Huges and Drew Gooden.

BallHype: hype it up!

You Can't Be Serious...

I really hope Marc Stein is wrong about what I'm reading on the 'Leader:

• Two of my most plugged-in sources say that the big trade Cleveland is pursuing, as our good friend Brian Windhorst warned us about in his Akron Beacon Journal blog, is a multi-player exchange that would bring Ben Wallace to the Cavs.
We have not been apprised that any deal is close or received a reliable read on the Bulls' level of interest, but we have been assured that it is being discussed: Wallace and teammates Chris Duhon and Joe Smith heading to Cleveland in exchange for a package headlined by Drew Gooden ... and Larry Hughes.

Fans in Cleveland hate him so much they have this website:

That's your big fucking move, Pax? Gooden is a decent, younger version of Joe Smith. Nothing special. Please god, say it ain't so:

Where is John Paxson?

The trade deadline is just hours away and it seems that Pax decided to take the morning off because so far nothing but speculation and fizzled trade rumors with Toronto are circulating through the wires.

Looks like Pax decided to play his favorite video game this morning instead of improving the team he is in charge of. I really can't fault the guy, look what he has to work with.

Everyone keep your fingers crossed that something, anything actually happens and if it does, we'll be here to comment on it for sure. I wonder what Al Jefferson is up to right now? I think he'd really like Chicago.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Would You Rather...?

So with the dreaded lull of sports we're in, we've decided to bring more of the bullshit aspect up of the blog as we scrap for ideas much like a stoner scrapes resin off of a bowl to get by (and it always did the trick for me, except when the ball hit your tongue, that sucked...literally!)

With that in mind, I unveil Would You Rather? The age old question between two things generally negative in a quest for the lesser of two evils. So do us a favor and play along. Cause there's not shit else to do, and I don't feel like fucking around with YouTube today.



Let's think this one out here. Drowning is a combination of complete agony and suffocation. Thrashing violently and not breathing. I'm not too sure how long you can breathe if you're on fire, but I would think you've got at least a little bit, so I give fire the notch on that one.

However, being in water is more comfortable then being engulfed in flames, so drowning gets the nod there. It's a tough one, and I've always been more partial to the fire, but I'm going with drowning on this one for the mere fact I don't want to feel my flesh peeling off or my fucking eyes melting. Bad times indeed.

Complete sidenote; why do kids always put their heads in fucking plastic bags? I mean I've done it when I was younger too. What the fuck is so facinating about not breathing? Let the comments begin...

Monday, February 18, 2008

I'm Back From the Dead...And The Hawks Are Too?

Yes friends, the Doctor is in fact alive. I haven't been around rape/blogosphere after being infected with I would consider the 28 weeks later virus. I had a fever of 104 on Wednesday which sent me seeking fellow practioner advice. Sitting in the ER for 2 hours before getting seen along with plenty of illegals does not a good day make. Anyways, enough bitching. I'm back to full force, and apparently I'm not the only showing signs of life lately. So when did the fucking Hawks decide scoring goals early and often is actually a good idea? I havent been watching the past couple games, but with scores of 7-2, 6-1, and 2-1, I'm liking what I'm seeing. There's no doubt Johnny Toews is apart of what's happening since returning, but that Byfuglien character has been playing lights out. After milling around the old internets, I see the Hawks are even trying to lure Peter Forsberg out of the woodworks with a 3 year possible deal. Good and Good.

Well, there's not shit going on outside of that. I would comment on the Daytona 500, but I doubt anyone gives a shit about that outside of me and one of my buddies, so I'll spare you the report. Although I will say Ryan Newman fucking blows. Kinda reminds me of Baby Huey meets Matt Painter's retard cousin. Also, quick note to one of our favorite readers/commenters Stalking EA, I will post the submission for ESPN Member Douchebag you sent us very soon. Even if it is about 3 weeks later on. The way I see it, better late then never!

We'll have some Spring Training shit for you soon, though I doubt we even need to comment on the Cubs. Let me do theirs real quick. They start slow, every Cub fan in Chicago bitches. They come back with a good May-June, lead the division. Everyone wants to blow each other. They make it to the playoffs, actually win their first series only to get their sorry asses handed to them by the Mets. 101 years and counting. Wait til 09' starts immediately thereafter. Did I forget anything?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Breaking News: Dempster Dooms 2008 Cubs

Sometimes it really pays to work for the company that owns the worst organization in all of sports. I was forwarded this interesting little nugget today that's sure to make it's way around the blogosphere faster than Brady Quinn can yell "FAG!". Well played Dempster, I'm sure this will work out well for you in the long run.

Dempster: Cubs will win 2008 World Series
By Paul Sullivan, 12:39 p.m.

MESA, Ariz. -- Ryan Dempster did his best Carlos Zambrano impression on Wednesday, saying he expects the Cubs to end their 100-year World Series drought this year.

Dempster's actual words:

"I think we're going to win the World Series, I really do. I wouldn't come here and worked as hard as I did, and everyone worked as hard as they did, to not believe that. I think it's funny when people make predictions or they say things and people are like, 'Oh, how can you say that?

You believe it. You really do. Enough of all the b.s., and the curse this, the curse that, the goat, the black cat, or the 100 years (without a championship). … Whatever it is, we're a better team than we were last year, I truly believe."

For more on this awfully hilarious prognostication, the full article can be found on the Tribune's "Hard Ball" Blog. Oh, and in case any of you were wondering, this is coming from the man that posted the following numbers in 2007:

Dempster went (2-7) in 66 games with a 4.66 ERA and a whopping 55 strikeouts. I'd say that gives him the right to go ahead and give the guarantee. We'll have more on this tomorrow.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Has It Really Come to This?

Not that long ago Bulls fans were talking about getting the best player in the NBA but John Paxson waited, and now he is fucked. He is so fucked he is going to probably have to trade with the worst team in the NBA and hope to somehow better his team. All I know is, Pax better so something, ANYTHING because he is going to really be fucked if he ends up getting nothing in return for Ben Gordon and (shudder) Luol Deng.

So much for the "character" guys that Paxson and Skiles were supposedly favoring over question marks like Zach Randolph and other rumored trades. All that shit has been thrown out the window now, about a year too late. The Bulls have enough problems with their current question mark players in Gordon and Ben Wallace, who they should immediately trade or we might wake up to find out that "The Body" is just that, a body lying dead in the streets of Chicago.

As far as I'm concerned Gordon shouldn't play another second in a Bulls uniform, he obviously has shown he does not want to be here with his "sprained" wrist. As for Tyrus, hey it sucks but the NBA is a business and he's just too much of a project for a team that isn't getting any younger and was supposed to go deep into the playoffs this year. Tyrus may turn out to be a solid NBA player but he's too inconsistent on both ends of the court.

So if this trade really works according to ESPN (and we know they're NEVER wrong), here's what the potential starting lineup would look like:

PG: Thabo Sefalosha
SG: Kirk Hinrich
SF: Quentin Richardson
PF: Zach Randolph
C: Joakim Noah

That looks like quite an upgrade with an actual low-post presence in Randolph and the promising recent play Thabo has shown. This is also assuming that Deng is going to be out for an extended period of time, which would allow Q to return to Chicago and add his chemistry with Randolph to help the Bulls mesh quickly with their new players.

Plus, this leaves Joe Smith, Andres Nocioni and Chris Duhon on the bench, which I believe is a GOOD thing because every one of those guys is a quality team player and won't bitch like a fucking baby about not getting the PT they deserve. Also, having those three guys on the bench plus guys like Aaron Gray, Collins and Adrian Griffin would have a mixture of young and old talent on the bench that could each provide key support in any number of roles.

Holy shit I can't believe I'm advocating a trade with the fucking New York Knicks. Hey, it worked out pretty well last time didn't it?

BallHype: hype it up!

A Look at Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

I really thought I'd give a visual interpretation of this guy, who actually chose the name "ringworm218". Jesus Christ, I've seen some creepy fuckers in my time but this guy makes a Mormon boy band manager look like Tom Selleck. If he's not a pedophile, I'll punch my own dick in sheer amazement. Enjoy jerks.

Why Are We Not Looking At Larry Brown?

I merely pose this as a question at this point. I'm not saying I'm convinced Larry Brown is the guy for the job, or that Jim Boylan isn't. As the Chicago Tribune's K.C. Johnson points out, after tonight's game, Boylan will have coached the same amount of games as Scott Skiles has. Skiles got the axe after a 9-16 start, and Boylan has gone 11-13 to this point. Under Boylan, the Bulls are averaging 7 more points per game (No thanks to professional crybaby fuckstick Wallace) and are back in the top 10 for opponent field goal percentage. Considering they've been without Luol Deng, Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich for a significant period of time, I think that record is pretty damn good. But all I'm asking you my fellow Bulls fans, is why not Larry Brown? Now, I'll answer the obvious questions as to why you wouldn't want him, and then I'll give you my arguments for why you should. I'll allow you to be the judge.


The key word is slowly here. Yes, they're looking better, both on paper and in games. But they still can't finish anybody, and I'm not sure that just anyone can instill that into a team. It's also hard to remove someone who has had the players backing thus far, as Luol Deng wrote in his blog last month::

Jim has been real positive. Even in games when we have stretches of not playing so well, he stays positive and believes in us that we’re going to compete out there and do better. For this team, that’s been the biggest factor right now. Also, the style that he’s bringing in has helped. We’re playing more uptempo, we’re pushing the ball, on timeouts we’re running a lot of different sets just by Jim reading the mismatches out there on the court, and players have been doing a good job of tuning in.

It's seems as though the players like Boylan for not riding their asses all the time, but to me I'm not sure if he knows when to light the fire when needed to.


Notice a reoccuring theme? He comes into a shitty team, makes them better, then they got worse (In the Knicks case, not even Jesus Christ himself could have turned that team around unless he went with a player-coach option). There's simply not enough time to have Larry come in and make the difference felt to salvage this season; let alone new offensive/defensive sets.

Yes, even at 20-30, the Bulls amazingly are only two games out of the 8th seed for the playoffs (Holy shit, we're talking worse then the NFC this past year). But even if they do manage to turn this around, do you really see this team doing anything it hasn't already done? They regressed, not progressed, and would get their asses whipped by Detroit, Orlando and obviously Boston. Brining on Larry now doesn't solve anything for this year.


Question: How many active coaches in the NBA are currently in the Hall of Fame? If you answered two, you are complete shit for brains (please bite a curb...on second thought, who really gives a shit about the NBA?? Curb is now optional) If you answered one, you are correct, sir. That would be the Zen Master. Brown didn't get there by fucking coincidence, the guy can coach. Yes, the Knicks were awful under his one year tenure, and he got outta there quicker then Heath Ledger did his pharmacist's office. However, he's gotta have a bad taste in his mouth about that, and I think the Bulls would be perfect for him to mold.

That's the main question you should be asking yourself. This season is officailly fucking worthless in my opinion. In my eyes, it just makes more sense to start over, trade Wallace in any way, shape or form, and start letting Brown go to work. This team is still good; it just needs an architect with the history of proven successes. Jim Boylan is not that man, Brown is. I think Boylan will be a good coach, but he's putting a band-aid on a broken leg at this point.

Johnny pop-a-shot has made some "Kenny Williamsesque" deals recently, and it's starting to bite him in the ass. While Williams likes to throw shit at the wall and see what sticks, Pax prefers to sit on pot and wait. Trade Deng and Gordon? No, he'll wait. Trade Wallace as quickly as fucking possible? Nope, his 1-7 shooting and 5 rebounds are really going to impress someone sooner then later. Paxson needs to convince not only Reinsdorf, but we the paying fans that something is going to change, and change for the better.

These are the thoughts I ponder. Wonder if Pax is thinking along these lines, too.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Chet Coppock: Chicago Sports Talk Legend and...Anti-Semite?

If you've listened to any Chicago sports talk radio, chances are you've heard the familiar gruff voice of Chet Coppock. Considered by many of his local colleagues to be the Godfather of the genre, Coppock's homepage features quotes about him from Pat Sajak to Michael Wilbon. His resume (if you care to read it on there, it's pretty extensive I can assure you) is impressive. However, I found something funny in the first sentence opening:

Can you name a bohemian who's been chosen man of the year by the Italian-American Sports Hall of Fame?... There is only one answer... Mr. Chet Coppock! And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Apparently so. Because when you get down to the root of the iceberg, you'll find the Bohemian may get praise from Italians, but he certainly won't be from the Hebrew community any time soon after this comment...

WMVP-AM 1000 has suspended Chet Coppock for making an offensive comment towards Jews.
When asked on last Saturday's show, how do you spell Jewish, Coppock replied,

With that said, Coppock has been suspended for his next four shifts and won't return back to the airwaves until February 23rd. However, Coppock did issue an apology for the statement, "I made an offensive comment I truly regret. It doesn't reflect my views or those of WMVP. I sincerely apologize."

Believe me when I say I give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Lord only knows how much shit that I or Noce have said that hasn't been too well received (See Let The Backlash Begin). Does his comment prove he's probably a racist? Yeah, I'd say so. Fuck, at least he's being honest how he feels. In the words of our first ever ESPN Member Douchebag ESPN4LIFE72, Coppock would rather be a REAL somebody then a FAKE nobody!!

BallHype: hype it up!

Report: Beer Is Good For You. As Is Marisa Miller

Two of my favorites in the world; Marisa Miller and Miller Lite: Good Call. Anyways, with one of the two going in my mouth tonight, I thought I would pass along a report I saw on channel 7 last night that I have always expected why I have lived as long as I have thus far. According to Sylvia Perez's report:

Hops contains a compound called xanthohumol that may protect against cancer.
"One way in which Xan might prevent cancer is to stimulate cells to protect themselves," said Richard Van Breemen, Ph.D., Medicinal Chemistry UIC College of Pharmacy.

The health effects of xanthohumol weren't know until about 10 years ago. Now researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago are studying how it works and exactly how much you need of this compound isn't known yet.
"Xan content in beer is fairly low. Maybe not a medicinal level. So we are hoping to develop some botanical dietary supplements," said Van Breemen.
They're also looking at xanthohumol as a natural alternative to hormone replacement for menopause.

Other research finds it acts as a powerful antioxidant even more than vitamin E. The studies now churning out the benefits of beer seem to be covering almost every possible health aspect.

"Colon cancer, prostate cancer, menopause, skin care, type two diabetes, bone density cavity fighting ability and dementia," said Jason Ebel, co-owner, Two Brothers Brewing Co.

Dementia? I'm going to be dementiated tonight! So if you want to live longer, take the doctor's advice: Grab a case and get fucked up. But don't drink and drive. I don't need MADD on my ass.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Ricky Williams: Pro or Joe?

So I was going to post this a couple days ago, but I've been busy either working or avoiding death threats and such. Anyways, I happened to be clicking through some channels over the weekend when I landed on Spike TV. I don't really ever watch Spike unless UFC is on or they if have some crazy fucking cop car chase show going on..those always get me and I don't know why. Anyways, Pros vs. Joes was on, so with nothing else on I gave it a whirl. Arturo Gatti was in the ring with these clowns just wailing the shit out of them, and I enjoyed. As soon as that finished, low and behold, there's Ricky. The drill was for them to tackle Williams before he get in for the touchdown. Ricky ran over one dude, while he juked another. The last guy managed to bring him down after only 3 yards, it was pathetic. It's amazing to me that a guy who A: Won the Heisman in 98' and B: Ran for over 7,000 yards and 47 TD'S is now schlepping for food like John Rocker and Charles Oakley. Sad.

Ricky has been re-signed for the upcoming 2008 season, and with a little help from Dan Marino seen below, should be ready to contribute to the worst team in the NFL again. (I know it's older, but its kinda funny)

Sorry, I woulda posted the Pros vs. Joes episode but I couldn't find it. So instead, I leave you with Ricky Williams in an IHOP in Houston. I love when he puts the napkin in his shirt. Who the fuck really does that?

Tiki Crashed the Super Bowl

After writing that Tiki was probably sitting in Roanoake, Va. watching the game and crying in his Sanka, it appears he was actually in Glendale, AZ reporting for the Today Show. Barber even interviewed Eli Manning, even though you could tell he was clearly hating his life while asking Manning how it feels. Manning was his usual "aw shucks" self, and I thought it was funny that he really didn't even look at Barber in the face. Barber, dressed like he just did a commercial for The Gap, had to get in some cheap shots saying the season was "tumultuous" and sounded like he was holding back tears throughout almost the entire segment.

Tiki also interviewed David Tyree and offensive lineman Rich Seubert, who seemed to love the fact that he was rubbing in their victory while all Barber could do was beg him for an interview. Poor Tiki.

So Eli goes from Grossman-like status to joining his brother as the MVP of the Super Bowl in one year while Barber got everything he wanted, except a Super Bowl Ring. And the people say the Patriots were the ones who had karma come back to bite them in the ass.

Also, at 6:01 Meredith Vieira gets a nice little cheap shot in on Tom Brady, posing the question to Tiki wondering if Gisele went home with Eli. I like where you're head's at Meredith, wanna come help us out with some jokes?

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Fat Tuesday Links

Since I really don't have no original thoughts of my own today, here's some people who are a little more on their game. Let's start with fellow Illini and current NBA stud Deron Williams.

Williams and the Jazz destroyed the Hornets last night, setting a team record for three point attempts made. TrueHoop thinks it might have something to do with Williams getting left off the Western Conference All Star Team.

Eli won the MVP but Duece of Davenport makes a case for David Tyree as the Giant amongst men.

Our good buddy Stegosaurus is back from his dream cruise with his girlfriend, and it sounds like he managed to have a worse time than the slaves who work aboard the cruise ship. Welcome back Steg.

Everyone knows Paris Hilton is a rich, snobby pain in the cunt. Well, she might be starting to realize that now that 50 Cent kicked her gold-brickin' ass off his stage at a Super Bowl concert. Seeing her crying makes me happy and sad all at once...but mostly happy. (On 205th)

Did anyone hear the Bob Knight retired? Really, you didn't? Wow. You must masturbate A LOT. Here's Foul Balls' take on it, because I totally agree with him.

A Look at Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

Yesterday we promised a Super Bowl version of 'A Look at those ESPN Member Douchebags' you love to hate, and today we present to you a woman who I'm sure many Deadspin visitors are familiar with. She has seen her beloved Patriots go down Sunday, which has caused her many tears of Wes Welker-like sadness. Without further adieu, the self-proclaimed nut-cracking LADYVICTORYUSA:

Doesn't she look like a prime victim for Buffalo Bill? Not this Buffalo Bill; but this one (Side note: do not google image 'Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs' at work...why people feel the need to post that type of stuff during the Bye Bye Horses song is beyond me...disgusting). For her personal quote, she goes with "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me" from 'Batman Begins'. I see nothing wrong with that; a decent quote. But "BATMAN AKA BRUCE WAYNE?" No shit, sherlock. Was that really necessary for the attribution followed by moreclarification?

I'll move on.

I'm not going to dwell on the fact she's a Patriots fan, because I think we all have similar feelings towards the stereotypical Boston fan base. However, LADYVICTORYUSA provides with a questionaire of herself that nothing short of God could bestow upon us.



Do I even need think of a joke on this? It really speaks for itself. I couldn't even make that shit up about her in my imagination if I tried. The one thing I will say I would rather drink water infested with pigeon shit than eat a nut she cracked with her Big Show-like knees. I could a look at each question because they're all hilarious, but instead I'll just take a few, such as question four, which apparently really blindsided her:



The thought of her eating makes me want "super great" throw up on my desk. Next question, please:



Jeff Gordon or Danza. This woman's brain capacity for off the wall shit makes me wonder if she should be writing this blog. Seriously. Tony Fucking Danza. I definitely would hate for Tony to be shown by LADY V who's the boss.



My oh my, how the Silence of the Lambs has come full circle. Last question:






It has been a total pleasure, Lady V. I've now learned that 'Ghost' is your favorite movie, Red Lobster and Arby's should combine efforts to create a full force of filth, and that Cannabalism is weighing heavily on your mind.


BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Top 10 Playoff Moments: Chicago Bulls

I should have known better than to try to be funny on a Monday, maybe it was the chicken wing hangover from the Super Bowl coming back to bite me in the ass. Anyway, everyone needs to relax and enjoy some Bulls playoff highlights and marvel at the play of Jordan, Pippen, Kerr, Paxson, Kukoc, Grant and Rodman supplied to all of us during those golden years.

Let The Backlash Begin...

Every now and then we'll check our Gmail account to see if anyone A: Has tips for us, B: Wants us to harbor money for them, or C: Check our Sitemeter statistics. Well, low and behold comes our first ever reader response from little Daphne Sellers in Alabama. She types lovingly to us in response to our looks at ESPN Member Douchebags:

May I say to you, there are a lot of people who take offense to the use of this term being taken so lightly. This birth defect, Cleft Lip, is a fact, IT HAPPENS! To all sorts of children from all walks of life. Russian, Chinese, AMERICAN, rich, poor, black, white, it doesn’t matter. Not one of them asked for it, but will suffer the pain and emotional insecurities because of statements like yours, regardless. It is my prayer that your children, grandchildren, siblings, etc. will be born healthy without birth defects, but don’t be so sure you will be excluded, cleft lip and palate affects 1 in every 700 births………… it’s not an easy road to travel. Have mercy! When will we stop taking cheap shots and hurting those who are not born flawless.


Daphne Sellers

When I saw this, I immediately notified Noce of such joyous news. People in Alabama actually own computers! That's fucking amazing! And to think we were only reaching random Carbuncles in Germany..Well, you write, and we write you back:


First of all I'd like to say thank you for visiting our little corner of the blogsphere. It's not often we receive feedback from female readers and certainly not the type that get all bent out of shape over a little jab at the hilarious deformity you seem to know so much about. I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I read your whiny, annoying little email to my friends and coworkers, who all equally thought you should go fist yourself.

Did it make you feel better about yourself to send me that email and waste the time it took me to read it plus the time it's now taking me to let you know how much of a waste of sperm you were? I sure as shit don't. So next time you have a problem with something I've written on here, please, close your eyes, walk out your front door towards the street and see how far you get before you get side swiped by a guy in a Yukon who's looking at his precious "birth defect" instead of the crazy bitch walking in traffic with her eyes closed.

And tell your dad I loved his work on the Branded series, maybe someday he'll get out of that iron lung and smack some sense into you.

Hugs and Kisses,


Further thoughts for us? Please email us at

PS: I will have a Super Bowl edition of looks at ESPN Member Douchebags thanks to Trunk at MBSR very soon.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My Super Bowl MVP: Tiki Barber

Amongst all the talk about ending the Patriots perfect season and the coming of age story for Eli Manning, one thing I couldn't help but wonder is how much does it just suck to be Tiki Barber right now? I'm trying to picture the scene at the Barber house right now, somewhere in or around Roanoake, Va., where Tiki is sitting in his favorite chair thinking to himself about how he could be celebrating a Super Bowl Championship muttering "God damnit" in a quiet, disappointed tone.

Barber's absence is probably the sole reason why the Giants were able to be so successful this postseason and especially tonight, as the thunder and lightning attack of Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw tallied just a combined 87 yards but held blitzing Patriots off of Eli Manning all night. Jacobs proved especially valuable in the crucial fourth and one conversion on the game winning drive.

One has to doubt that with Barber still on the team, where the Giants would have ended up this year. This would have been a storybook way to end your career (just ask Jerome Bettis) but Barber just couldn't wait to trade in his jersey and pads for some wing tips and a microphone. Good call Tiki.

With all the past problems Barber had with Michael Strahan and coach Tom Coughlin, Tiki surely would have found a way to turn the team against each other and fuck up the season. Without him, all the Giants did was complete the biggest upset in the history of the NFL. Tiki's storied feuds with Michael Strahan are enough to provide for evidence that he's an absolute team cancer. In 2002 when Strahan was negotiating a new contract with the Giants, Barber had the audacity to publicly criticize him.

"That is absolutely ridiculous, to turn that down," Barber was quoted in saying. "He's already the highest-paid defensive player in the league. He's already making more than most quarterbacks...Michael is not thinking about the team; he's thinking about himself"

Strahan, who also held out earlier this year for the entire preseason, responded then to Barber's comments by saying.

"Who is Tiki Barber to shoot his mouth off? What has he done? He talks like he's acting in the best interest of the team. Tell him to give his $7 million (signing bonus) back. Since he's so charitable, why doesn't he volunteer his $7 million? He says all the politically correct things. Ask him if he's giving up some of his money."

You tell him Mike, you're the one with the ring and the name now as part of the defensive line that was able to shock the world and sack the invincible Tom Brady five times in one game, the most of any team this season. What does Tiki have? As far as I'm concerned, just some older, saggier balls and an Asian wife who could just as eaily be 25 or 50.

It would have been 100 times more hilarious if Barber had actually been at the game in the announcer's booth. Think he would have had the balls to actually pick the Giants before the game? I think not. But Tiki's moved on to bigger and better things now, covering hard news and politics, because that's so much cooler than winning the Super Bowl. Another good call by Tiki.

I hope it was all worth it Tiki, you just had to go out on your terms, didn't you?

Chances the Giants had of making it to the Super Bowl and upsetting the Patriots with Tiki Barber in uniform this year: 1 in 500. Chances that Tiki is regretting retiring last season and not staying on for one more year: 100 percent. Humor surrounding his dumbass decision combined with the amazing victory and his overall douchebaggery: priceless.

BallHype: hype it up!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Ben Gordon is no Michael Jordan

The Bulls play the Sacramento Kings tonight in the start of a five game West coast road trip that will likely decide the ultimate fate for this year's disappointing team. The Bulls have not been very fortunate in Sacramento's Arco Arena, losing their last eight games against the Kings.

In fact, the last time the Bulls beat the Kings inside Arco was on November 23, 1997, the same season the Bulls finished their second 3-peat. I just had to search for the video of Michael Jordan absolutley schooling the Jazz in Game 6 of the NBA Finals, and it made me feel a little bit better about how badly the Bulls have been sucking this year. Everyone remembers how awesome "The Shot" was that Jordan made over Bryon Russell, but that video reminded fans how badly Jordan was abusing Russell throughout that entire game.

The funniest part of the video, something I've actually never noticed before, is at the 5:31 minute mark. After the game is over Jordan is getting mobbed by his teammates and Steve Kerr is hugging Jordan and the only thing he has to say to him is "You're fucking unbelievable", which is pretty much a perfect way to sum up Jordan's performance.

Anyway, enjoy the video and let's hope tonight's game will go differently than past road games against the Kings. The Bulls should welcome Ben Gordon back after he's recovered from his period, I mean "wrist sprain". Gordon has not had the season I bet he'd like to have had going into the end of his contract.

If he were anything like Michael Jordan, let me just say he is not, he would have put his head down and worked his ass off rather than acting like a selfish prick, which is what he's done so far this year. He used to be a fan favorite because of his ability to hit the big shot, something that gave fans some resembelance of MJ, but those days seem like decades ago now, and Gordon probably feels as if this season has dragged on for about 10 years.

Word on the street is "coach" Jim Boylan got the team out of the frigid cold of Minnesota and arrived in California a day early for the Bulls to get a few practices in out west before the start of the road trip. Whether this is a good idea is yet to be seen but I'll take any effort to motivate these assholes if it leads to a winning streak. Remember what those feel like? I sure as hell don't.

To finish for today, I'd like to also welcome new assistant coach Mike Brown to the bench. Brown has been hired to work with the young big men. A veteran of 11 NBA seasons, including two with the Bulls, Brown was Chicago’s third-round pick in the 1985 NBA Draft.

If I were Brown I would make it my first order of business to tell Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas to ignore and to forget every single thing that Ben Wallace has told them. In fact, Brown should just tell Wallace to start bringing some reading material to games from now on, because I have a good feeling he's going to be watching a lot of the games from the bench.

BallHype: hype it up!