True Stories from the Graham Correctional Center...

It all started on a fun night back in October 2008. When you're an eight ball deep, it always seems like a great idea to steal that asshole's 1992 Mercury Cougar. I mean, fuck him; that car is a piece of shit! He should be so lucky to have me steal it and drive into lake shabbona 40 miles away. He gets the pay out on insurance! I get a good chuckle...win win.

That was until an unmarked DeKalb County Sheriff just decided to stick his nose into a perfectly fine ride at 95 mph. What an asshat. Mind your own business.

After a year and a half of making bones, getting boned, and eating shitty food I'm back damnit. And there's a lot I missed, apparently.

WAY TO GO, HAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More to follow

For Some Reason, The 08-09 Blackhawks Slogan Bothers Me

One Goal.

Granted, I think it's pretty good. It's a statement that shows management is finally committed to returning Lord Stanley's cup to where it belongs. With everything that Rocky Wirtz and John McDonough have been doing, it's very fitting. My problem lays within the new radio ad campaign I've been hearing 670 the Score. It goes something like this with the voices of Johnny Toews and Adam Burrish:

"I want to score so many goals this year, the crowd needs sunlights. So many goals, that the light burns out..."

I think you catch my drift. So what do you follow all of that talk up with? Blackhawks hockey. One goal.

I just fucking heard a myriad of goal statements, but all they're going to score in their fucking home opener on Monday, Oct. 13th is one goal?

How about the talk of what that one fucking goal is? Hoisting the trophy for first time since '61?

Your casual 'Hawks fan (and I use the word casual very lightly here) still doesn't know the team, or give a shit about this mostly forgotten franchise. I know there's more buzz about the team for this upcoming season then there has been '93, but please, for the love of fuck start thinking about how your putting this slogan together.

What do Julia Roberts and Scotty Bowman Have In Common?

They can both claim they were at one point "Sleeping With The Enemy".

She is a stranger in a small town. She changed her name. Her looks. Her life. All to escape the most dangerous man she's ever met. Her husband.

If that's the tagline for the 1991 lame ass Julia Roberts-Patrick Bergin "thriller"(Who the fuck is this guy?), then I think this should fit for yesterdays' transactions:

He is a stranger in a big city. His name is still the same. His Hockey knowledge. His sweaty, scotch pouring brow. All to escape the most dangerous shithole city he's ever known. Detroit.

That's right: the winningest coach in NHL history and a member of 11 Stanley Cup champion teams, signed a three-year contract Thursday as the Hawks' senior adviser for hockey operations.

Bowman, who had been a consultant with the Detroit Red Wings the last six seasons after coaching them to three Stanley Cup championships, will be an adviser to Hawks general manager Dale Tallon and son, Stan Bowman, who is the team's assistant GM.

(Stannnnnnnnn..Stan..I have a medical condition.)

Well, it's looks like Stannnnnnnnn was able to convince Scotty to come aboard. But when Scotty's taking a bath, he might want to make sure that Stannnnnnnnn doesn't come to strangle him. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about, it's a scene from the movie, and don't ask how I know that, thank you.)

Now if Bowman wants to continue his ties with Roberts, he might have to go through something like this to keep it up:

Will The Hawks Open the Checkbook Finally?

Two things before I get into this post.

#1: We never congratulated Patrick Kane on winning Rookie of the Year..so..congrats.

#2: What the fuck is that dress? A guard to protect the legs while walking through sawgrass? A diversion from her average rack?

Ok, now that we got that out of the way, the NHL free agency period starts at 11am today. Ryan Malone is a Lightning bolt, or something like that. So that leaves on the market Marian Hossa (seen right with Zebra safari leader), Sean Avery and Pavol Demitra who aren't in the 34 and older category for forwards.

At Defensemen you've got Bard Stuart, Paul Mara, and one got the 'Hawks already have their eye on, Brian Campbell.

I don't claim to be a "Hockey Aficionado", or know a ton about alot of these guys, but what I do know is how fucking cheap every franchise is in this city is that doesn't play their sport on a diamond. While the Cubs and Sox are generally willing to pay (Cubs much more becuase they can afford to, thanks to their lovely bar at Clark and Addison), the Bears, Blackhawks and Bulls generally tend to stay reserved.

The McCaskey's have astonished me so far by paying Tommie Harris what he's worth, but still have Urlacher and Hester to take care of.

The Bulls paid Jordan what he was worth in his final years, but since then would prefer to draft and develop their talent rather then pay for it free agency. And I'm sure their thanking god after not signing Gordon to 50-60 million they were willing to before this past season started. Talk about fucking yourself out of a payday, BG.

The 'Hawks? What was their last splashy signing? Hey Hawks fan, we just got Andrei Zyuzin, try not to shit yourselves!!! I guess in reality that would be the 'Bhulin wall. Personally, I would rather commit to Lalime (whom is also a free agent, and rumored to be heading back to Ottawa. Looks like I'm fucked on that commitment).

With 44 million locked up, and a salary cap of a little over the 56 mil., it appears the Hawks will try to lock up Campbell, and another forward who can provide some scoring. That title was assigned to Havlat, but picking up a straw without tearing a muscle is obviously too much to ask for.

While .0009% of this city will be paying attention to see who they sign, I'm excited for the upcoming season. They should finally be expected to compete, and having back on the airwaves completely is something no one under 30 has ever seen.

So please John McDonough, don't follow city sports franchise spending policy. Commit to the payout.

The Season May Very Well Be Over, But...

There is some good news for those of you, who like me actually became interested in the most irrelevent team outside of the Fire. According to the Tribune's Teddy Greenstein, or Teddy KGB as he's known on Mac, Jurko, and Harry;


The playoffs are nearly out of reach for the Blackhawks, but team President John McDonough continues to think big. Big as in 82. McDonough is determined to have all 82 Blackhawks games televised next season.

As many as 25-30 could go on free, non-cable TV. WGN-Ch. 9, which carried Hawks games in the 1960s and early '70s, and WPWR-Ch. 50 are two possible landing spots

It's amazing to think in just 6 months since the Dollar Bill passed, the Blackhawks have gone from the I could give a rat's ass file to hey, did you see the Hawks game last night? mentality here in Chicago. While most people could still give a flying fuck about Hockey here, it's a noticable difference in how the buzz has been created. Notes Greenstein;

"Ticket sales {are up} 45 percent over last season and page views on blackhawks.nhl.com up 67 percent."

I honestly think Rocky Wirtz deserves some sort of award. First, he hired John McDonough. Then he went straight to Comcast to get some games on TV. Now, it certainly helped that the 'Hawks have played fairly well this year, but if the Chicago Fire or Sky went on a 12 game winning streak I've be just as excited as an got an extra chicken nugget in my 5-piece from Wendy's. Actually, I would be more excited for the nugget now that I think about it.

Anyways, it's nice to see (literally) that there will be something to look forward to when the Bulls start their shitty circus trip to finish 2-9 during that period this upcoming November. Even with baseball starting up less then two weeks away, I'll be very excited to see if the Hawks can add some vets as well as cut loose Martin "I'm huge pussy" Havlat.

And if the Sox start slow...you can guarantee some more Hawks shit here...that and Uribe verbal bashing.

Baby Steps For The Hawks...The Bulls Won Too? I Could Care Less

Despite a much needed 4-2 win last night over the Minnesota Wild-ly fucking ugly jerseys, the Predators won 5-1 over Edmonton, so the 'Hawks remain 6 points out of the final playoff spot. However, there were a lot of good things to draw on from last nights game.

- Patty Lalime was a champ in goal last night, stopping 28 shots.

- The Pentalty Kill shutout the 9th best Power Play team in the NHL, with great play from all the defensemen including Duncan Keith who scored a go ahead goal in the 2nd off of a midair rebound which was ruled legal.

- Dustin Byfuglien scored the game winner and continues to be in my opinion the second half offensive MVP, with Patrick Sharp coming in second.

On the other hand, I'm not sure so sure about Andrew Ladd thus far. There was one instance where he was back checking Pavol Demitra, and for no reason just stopped. So basically, it looks like we traded Tuomo Ruutu...for Tuomo Ruutu. Hopefully Savvy will chew his ass out and get him going.

The Hawks are back on again tonight on Comcast as they host Ducks...join me in commiting to the Indian.

In other news, The Bulls beat a shittier team then them. Hooray. Call me when you make some noise.

I'm Back From the Dead...And The Hawks Are Too?

Yes friends, the Doctor is in fact alive. I haven't been around rape/blogosphere after being infected with I would consider the 28 weeks later virus. I had a fever of 104 on Wednesday which sent me seeking fellow practioner advice. Sitting in the ER for 2 hours before getting seen along with plenty of illegals does not a good day make. Anyways, enough bitching. I'm back to full force, and apparently I'm not the only showing signs of life lately. So when did the fucking Hawks decide scoring goals early and often is actually a good idea? I havent been watching the past couple games, but with scores of 7-2, 6-1, and 2-1, I'm liking what I'm seeing. There's no doubt Johnny Toews is apart of what's happening since returning, but that Byfuglien character has been playing lights out. After milling around the old internets, I see the Hawks are even trying to lure Peter Forsberg out of the woodworks with a 3 year possible deal. Good and Good.

Well, there's not shit going on outside of that. I would comment on the Daytona 500, but I doubt anyone gives a shit about that outside of me and one of my buddies, so I'll spare you the report. Although I will say Ryan Newman fucking blows. Kinda reminds me of Baby Huey meets Matt Painter's retard cousin. Also, quick note to one of our favorite readers/commenters Stalking EA, I will post the submission for ESPN Member Douchebag you sent us very soon. Even if it is about 3 weeks later on. The way I see it, better late then never!

We'll have some Spring Training shit for you soon, though I doubt we even need to comment on the Cubs. Let me do theirs real quick. They start slow, every Cub fan in Chicago bitches. They come back with a good May-June, lead the division. Everyone wants to blow each other. They make it to the playoffs, actually win their first series only to get their sorry asses handed to them by the Mets. 101 years and counting. Wait til 09' starts immediately thereafter. Did I forget anything?

It's Now or Never For The 'Hawks

As we head to the second half of the NHL season, I've decided to focus more of my attention on the Blackhawks instead of the Bulls until they make some sort of trade. I honestly cannot stand watching the Bulls at this point. Nothing they do warrants my attention. Call it being a fair-weather fan if you want, but I would rather watch a 3 hour documentary on the history of bridge building for all I give a fuck. I have a feeling you can count on Noce to handle your Bulls thoughts; so with that in mind, let's take a look at the highs and lows of the season thus far.

EMERGENCE OF KANE AND TOEWS: The 07' number one pick and the 06' number three pick have been an awesome combination to watch thus far despite Toews having been out the past few weeks with a knee injury. Despite the injury, Toews is still third among all rookies with 32 points, while Kane leads with 45. While Kane only has 12 goals, he has 33 assists, which puts him 15th in the league overall. Kane has shown a great ability to set up his teammates, with guys like Bobby Lang and Patrick Sharp benefitting. The goals will catch up as he gets older, but he's shown instant impact on a team that struggles to score at times. The Hawks will need Toews to get healthy soon to contribute.

THE OFFENSIVE DEFENSEMEN: Brent Seabrook, Brent Sopel, Duncan Keith and Dustin Byfuglien have been playing great on the opponents side of the ice, contributing 69 points, which is 12 more then the combo of Tuomo Ruutu, Jason Williams, Marty LaPointe and Rene Bourque. It's pretty sad to consider that lack of offense from your forwards, considering Ruutu was a former first round pick in 01'. While LaPointe is slowing down, and Bourque missed 14 games due to a broken thumb, Ruutu was billed to be alot more then he has shown. Marty Havlat needs to stay healthy and Ruutu needs to pick it up. The kids can't do it by themselves.

STAGNANT OFFENSE: The Blackhawks were 19-15-3 heading into this month before going 0-6-1 to start January. They currently sit at 23-23-4, which puts them 6 points out of the final spot for the playoffs. The reason for their slump this month is their inability to consistently score. During that 7 game streak, the Hawks scored only 12 goals. Now on the year, they rank 17th in Goals scored per game. However, in 5 on 4 situations, they're 27th. In 5 on 5, they're ranked 23rd. Not having Toews and Havlat have hurt, but they need more production from their forwards to carry them forward if they are to make the postseason this year.



THE 'BULIN WALL IS BROKE: Talk about a waste of money. The guy is 25th in the wins, 29th in GAA (2.77) and 36th in Save PCT. (90%). While Patrick Lalime's Save PCT isn't much better (90.8%), in my opinion he's been slightly more consistent. Yeah it sucks that the goalies aren't getting much goal support, but they know they need to keep the score low if they are to win, and cannot have games like the 9-2 ass-kicking from a worse L.A. Kings team.

LOOKING AHEAD: The schedule doesn't start off nicely for the Hawks, as they start on a seven game road trip with every team having a better record then them (which isn't hard when you're in last place of your division). In fact, they only play 3 home games in the entire month of February. Savvy's called out his team to "commit to the Indian". In reality, they should be commiting to the offense. It's obvious they're not going to get steady play from Khabibulin; so it will be on them to win games instead of holding on to them. It should be interesting to watch.

This team is about a year or two from being serious contenders, but it sure as hell beats watching a lifeless Bulls team.