Monday, December 24, 2007


You know when I posted oh say 3 hours ago for Paxson to do something immediately I didn't know he would read it so fast and then act accordingly. With that said, Scott Skiles has been shown the door after coaching for a span of five seasons with the Bulls, compiling a record of 165-172 (.490), and had led the Bulls to the playoffs for the past 3 years. For more of my thoughts on this, head over to Epic Carnival

WATCH OUT RAVI!!!!!!!!!!

This is up on CNN, but in case you haven't seen it yet, check it out. A car crashed into the ABC 7 Studio on State Street during the 10 o'clock live broadcast last night. How anchor Ravi Baichwal didn't blurt out a HOLY SHIT! is beyond me. The look on his face is hilarious. All in all, I thought he handled the situation pretty damn well...a tip of the hat to you, sir.


With a 9-16 record, the Bulls are getting nowhere fast these days. With pretty much everyone playing like shit, the trade value of any player at this point is definitely down. However, the time is now for Johnny pop-a-shot to start stringing deals together. Not next week, or some time in January. NOW. It's the only way they can get out of the cellar. Here's a look at next month's schedule:

Wed, Jan 2 @ Charlotte 7:00 PM
Thu, Jan 3 Portland 8:00 PM
Sat, Jan 5 Sacramento 8:30 PM
Tue, Jan 8 NY Knicks 8:30 PM
Fri, Jan 11 @ Philadelphia 7:00 PM
Sun, Jan 13 @ Atlanta 2:00 PM
Tue, Jan 15 @ Orlando 7:00 PM
Wed, Jan 16 @ Miami 7:00 PM
Fri, Jan 18 Golden State 9:30 PM
Sat, Jan 19 Detroit 8:30 PM
Mon, Jan 21 @ Memphis 5:30 PM
Wed, Jan 23 Indiana 8:30 PM
Fri, Jan 25 Charlotte 8:30 PM
Sun, Jan 27 Phoenix 1:00 PM
Tue, Jan 29 Minnesota 8:30 PM
Wed, Jan 30 @ Minnesota 8:00 PM

They get Charlotte and Minnesota twice, along with Atlanta. This team needs to go at least 11-5 to get back to .500 (assuming they can beat Milwaukee and New York because San Antonio and Orlando will most likely kick their ass for their last 4 games this month.)

The latest rumors have the Bulls dealing Ben Wallace (please make it happen dear lord) and Ben Gordon for Tracy McGrady. This would definitely benefit both teams as Yao can have Wallace watch his back for him on the weak side, and Gordon will jack up all the shots you want him to in Adelman's up-tempo offense. The Bulls would then get the big guard who can take the last shot they've desperately needed. I know he constantly gets hurt, but Gordon is not on T-Mac level, and may never be. This would then clear the way for Aaron Gray to start, and get more minutes for Joakim Noah.

All I know is that something needs to be done. Fast.

Thursday, December 20, 2007


I consider football fantasy draft day better then Christmas. It lasts longer, has the same amount of unpredictability, and you spend the time with people you actually enjoy being around. As you start making your picks, you envision how smart your sleepers are and how great of a season each player is going to have. About 12 weeks later, some of your "expert" ideas have turned you remorseful and angry, kinda like picking up a prostitute with a penis. How'd that one turn out, Hugh? Yes, every year has it's fantasy busts, and today we'll look at the ten biggest disappointments this year.


With an average selection in the fifth round, you really ended up kicking yourself in the ass this year having the Bears Defense, which is ranked 29th this year after ending up 6th in 2006. Injuries and Adam Archuleta really screwed the Bears, letting guys like Trumaine McBride in only to get burned worse then Frank Beamer (too soon?)


I was among many who were pissed after the first couple games that the Bears got rid of TJ. But after a few more games it became obvious that it didn't matter who was running behind that shitty O-line. None the less, Benson has taken his place with Curtis Enis and Rashaan Salaam as failed 1st round picks.


How many times did you kick your dog after Brees' first four games? 1TD, 9 INTS. Many people bailed on him, and those who were fortunate vultures reaped the benefits as Brees went for 24 TDS to just 6 INTS thereafter.


With an average draft selection in the second round, Maroney completely screwed whoever owned him. He had one 100 yard game in week 3, then missed the next three weeks due to injury. He didn't even score his first td until week 11.


When Deuce McAllister went down for the year, I thought it would be a blessing in wasn't. Bush has just straight up sucked, averaging only 48 rushing yards per game thus far, not to mention his 8 fumbles.


In a way, Steve Smith's 2007 season has been alot like his fathead poster: stationary. Smith had 1,166 yards and 8 TDS last year, and while there's still two games left, his production has been declining since his career best of 1,563 yds and 12 TDS in 05'.


Yes, that's Marc Bulger as the love child of Bulls PbP man Tom Dore and Christopher from the Sopranos (Courtesy of Mac, Jurko and Harry). Bulger was by far and away the biggest QB blow-up, with only 7 TDS this year. But it's hard to place all the blame on him as his O-line was torn apart by injuries from day one.


Pretty much the same exact story as Maroney; missed three games due to injury, never really produced although he has scored a TD in 3 of his last 4 games.


With an 1.0 average round selection on Yahoo! Fantasy draft boards, Alexander can arguably stake a claim for the biggest overall bust. His 3 games to start the season was reassuring to owners: 105 yds, TD...70 yds, TD...100 yds. After that, the monumental drop-off set in. In the eight following games he played (missed 3 games to injury...coincidence to above rbs?) he's only compiled 337 yds and 1 TD, for an average of 42 yds rushing per game. Goodbye to your career, #37, it was a nice MVP season you once had.


Drafted #2 overall in many leagues, and probably some dumb enough to take him ahead of LT (why they would I have no idea) Johnson gets the nod for biggest bust because if his draft position vs. expectations. His numbers this year (559 yds, 3 TDS) are similar to Maroney, R. Johnson and Alexander, but he has the higher status.

It's been strange year for fantasy football, and for the owners of these players, a very cruel one at that.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Holy Shit! A New Post?!?!

Yeah, I know, me and Noce have been completely lazy. I mean we didn't even do our damn picks last week, outside of the Houston-Denver game which Noce threw up about 5 minutes before the game started. Here's the convo:

Noce: Are we doing our picks

Me: Damn it, I completely forgot..who's playing again?

Noce: Houston and Denver

Me: (pause)...I guess 17-13 Broncos.

So in other words, we've been completely mailing it in (no shit, really?). Well, if you think about it, what good things have there been for me to post about which are worth your time reading? The Bears shit ass season is finally mathetically over, the Bulls are awful, and Hawks have dropped several games like a young team usually does at some point in the season. I could go on rants cursing out everyone from Fred Miller to Ben Wallace (Fuck both of you) but I think if you're a fellow Chicago sports fan, you've exhausted every known expletive the english language encompasses. I have a few ideas for interesting posts I'll be turning out soon, but I've decided quality is better then quantity. With that said, thanks to everyone who has been checking us out during this terrible year that was Chicago sports in 2007. I'm sure I'll throw a few more posts up before the end of the year, but in case something comes, Merry Christmas motherfuckers!!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

NFL Week 15: Thursday Night Football

Tonight the nation will happily forget about the shitstorm that hit Major League Baseball today and remember that football is way more exciting. The NFL would never let some asshole from Boston fuck everything up with a pointless report that will accomplish nothing in the end. That dude would be dead if he even started investigating into NFL. Dead.

Anyway tonight's game will feature a battle between the Denver Broncos (owned by Homer Simpson) and the Houston Texans (worst team name ever). I know a lot of people have been whispering this lately but I'm not afraid to come out and say it: Mario Williams is a legitimate #1 overall pick from the 2006 NFL Draft. Williams is an athletic freak and he is going to prove it to the Nation (well at least those who have the NFL Network) tonight against a stout Broncos line.

Another reason I'm happy about tonight's game is that Bryant "The Oreo" Gumbel will be sitting this one out with a sore throat. Seriously, I can't think of an announcer that makes me more angry with constant errors and overall just awful attempts at sports knowledge than Gumbel. Go back to the Today Show so dumb housewives can continue to be brainwashed in peace.

Oh yea, the picks:


Houston 20 Denver 26

Dr. C.

Houston 13 Denver 17

White Sox To Follow Duke's Idea?

WHO: Chicago White Sox

WHERE: Center Field, U.S. Cellular Field

WHEN: April

WHAT: Job Opening

WHY: Because Brian Anderson sucks.

DESCRIPTION: Centerfielder needed. Must be able to put ball in play every once in a while. Ability to get picked off during base stealing attempts (oh wait that's what Jerry Owens is for). Must enjoy traveling and dropping 3 games series' left and right. Must have good people skills to tolerate A.J. Pierzynski's temper tantrums and occasional racial knock knock jokes. Must be willing to learn spanglish and different uses of the word fanoik. We'll provide terrible hitting instruction. Tryouts to be held in Glenview, Rogers Park, and Calumet City (please bring mace).

This is what it's basically coming down to at this point for the White Sox. All that's left for them is Mike Cameron (25 game suspension to start season, .328 on base pct.) and keeping their fingers crossed that Coco Crisp doesn't get included on a trade to Minnesota for Santana. What terrific offseason you've had Kenny. You signed an average outfielder with a decent arm who has "stress issues", and bullpen reliever who hasn't looked too hot recently. In other words, another David Aardsma in the making. You're quite confident a guy who couldn't keep the ball in the park every time he pitched is going to "come through" because he led the team in first pitch plate nibblers in the month of September. Does anyone else feel like Gavin Floyd is Danny Wright reincarnated?

Watching the team go 45-66 after a 27-24 start was brutal, and at this point the team on paper as it stands could be even worse. I wonder if Kenny Williams and Isiah Thomas have a bet on how bad they can fuck things up before the other gets fired. I can't wait for this terrible sports year that was 2007 to be over, but at the same time, 2008 isn't looking any better. Sadly, the only thing I have to take joy in is the Cubs haven't won a world series in a 100 years. And while that brings a moment of fleeting joy, I have to put up with months of the North Siders making their way to the playoffs. Invest in Jack Daniels stock now, I'll be personally helping it out for a quite awhile.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Chicago To Orton: Put Down The Jack, We Want You In

After going over to Chicago Sports, I saw today's webpoll question which reads: Who do you want to be the #1 QB on Sunday; Brian Griese or Kyle Orton? Of the 5,500 votes cast, only 268had gone for Griese, or roughly 5%. It's obvious that Orton should get his chance with this season gone down the drain. But here's why I don't think it's good that he starts. Granted, I want him to start to, but I'm playing Devil's Advocate here because there are some things will not be the same come 2008.

1: TEAM HAS ALREADY GIVEN UP ON THE SEASON: It's not like Berrian has been running his routes hard or fully the past two games; now imagine what they're going to look like. If you answered "about as hard as Ditka can get without Cialis" then you're right. You've just won a free two pill sample. Adrian Peterson will play hard because he's auditioning as well, but his two deep threats will be uninterested. Bradley will probably get hurt, and Rashied Davis has done nothing all year. Speaking of do nothing all year, that's what you'll get from what's left of the o-line. Terrence Metcalf blocks people as well as a 5 year asian boy on a unicycle (dont ask where that came from, I'm kinda disturbed by it too.) Basically, Orton is going to be running for his life, and this performance will give you a brief idea, but not the whole picture.

2: A BAD STRING OF PERFORMANCES FROM ORTON COULD BRING BACK REX: That's all we need; What happens if Orton goes in for the last few games and absolutely blows? Lovie will have visions of Good Rex running through his head, and petition Angelo to resign him another year. Has Rex played better? Yes. Should he come back? No. Why go through another year of what's already happened? What good does it do to bring him back? It seems more like regression then progression to me. Let the Rex era be over and done with. Let him move on.

I'll add more on to this in a little bit...hang on

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Week 14 Picks Continued

Here's the picks for this week. I've been traveling so it's been hard to get things done.

Miami @ Buffalo: 23-17 Bills

Dallas @ Detroit: 34-20 Cowboys

Carolina @ Jacksonville: 24-20 Jaguars

Oakland @ Green Bay: 24-21 Raiders

St. Louis @ Cincinnati: 27-17 Bengals

San Diego @ Tennessee: 20-13 Chargers

Tampa Bay @ Houston: 24-16 Buccaneers

NY Giants @ Philadelphia: 30-24 Eagles

Arizona @ Seattle: 31-21 Seahawks

Minnesota @ San Francisco: 26-12 Vikings

Cleveland @ NY Jets: 30-24 Browns

Kansas City @ Denver: 27-20 Broncos

Pittsburgh @ New England: 33-27 Patriots

Indianapolis @ Baltimore: 31-20 Colts

New Orleans @ Atlanta: 24-10 Saints

Friday, December 7, 2007

Quick Note/Avenged Sevenfold

Be on the lookout for mid-day posts now, as I am done with training for my new job, and depending on the day, will have some time to post again during the day. Glorious, I know. Anyways, have a good weekend. For your viewing pleasure, Avenged Sevenfold:

Thursday, December 6, 2007

NFL Week 14: The Preamble

We the People at Chicago Bull...

Just fucking with you. Here's my pick for tonight's Bears/Skins game, I'll give you the rest on Saturday as usual. There's supposed to be a crazy snowstorm tonight in Chicago so I plan on going out and celebrating two things: a Bears victory and bums. They're too stupid to migrate south like the rest of the animals in this city so they just shiver and shiver and...

Chicago @ Washington: 30-20 Bears

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Week 14 Picks From The Doctor..

For the first week who knows how fucking long, I have FINALLY gained a game on Noce. Sad or impressive? I'm thinking it's not the latter. None the less, I am now 8 games back. What's the standings? Fuck, I've lost track and don't really care to go and find out since there's only two people who honestly give a shit. Haha, speaking of giving a shit, I ponder out loud if anyone has actually put some money on some of my johnny jr. college fund winners. If you did, which I doubt, you'd be up; I went 2-1 last week (fucking Lions), and since I started picking against the spread, I'm 11-5 thus far. You can only find my locks now here at the Bull, as DC Scrap tossed the picks section. I don't blame him; if you're going have a certain amount of site writers do picks, it should all be uniform and start from week one so you chronicle who's full of shit, and who's decently mediocre. Oh well. As I mentioned, I will continue to make my 3 picks; if for nothing more then shits and giggles. Also, I was going to post some shit last night, but for some reason or another blogger was all fucked up on my laptop. I'm sure it doesn't help blowing load after load on the screen with Briana Banks, but what can you do? Anyways, enough lies and loads, here's the picks fuckers:

CHI @ WAS: 24-17 BEARS..I hope they lose the rest of their games this season though, who the fuck cares about finishing 8-8?



CAR @ JAX: 24-10 JAGS



S.D. @ TEN: 28-20 CHARGERS: LINE S.D. -1

T.B. @ HOU: 20-14 BUCS



MIN @ S.F.: 35-10 VIQUEENS

CLE @ NYJ: 41-17 BROWNS LINE: CLE -3.5

K.C. @ DEN: 14-10 BRONCOS

PIT @ N.E.: 28-24 STEELERS...I honestly don't expect this to happen, but if by miracle it does I can say I called it

IND @ BAL: 31-13 COLTS


Monday, December 3, 2007

An Acceptable form of Soccer

Usually I wouldn't even think of putting anything related to soccer on ChicagoBull but this is just too funny. The pastel-striped outfits themselves made me laugh and watching them try to kick the ball was just the cherry on top. Seeing all these funny Japanese game shows really makes me wonder what else goes on in that wacky island. Are these people really volunteering to be part of this humiliating game show or were they sold into some twisted backwards slavery ring and forced to participate in these crazy antics?

Either way it's funny.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

NFL Week 14: Cold as a Russian Winter

It's officially football season in Chicago, as the first snowfall of the year occurred today. It was a good little white out view from my window for almost three hours, but the snow has subsided and only the cold chilling wind remains. Alright, enough with the Walt Whitman critique of the climate in Chicago. Here's my take on the games for this week, and I have money riding on the game so this week really means something other than just dominating Dr. C.

Atlanta @ St. Louis: 20-12 Rams

Buffalo @ Washington: 27-24 Redskins

Detroit @ Minnesota: 24-20 Vikings

Texans @ Titans: 23-17 Titans

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis: 31-20 Colts

NY Jets @ Miami: 19-10 Dolphins

San Diego @ Kansas City: 34-20 Chargers

Seattle @ Philadelphia: 26-20 Eagles

San Francisco @ Carolina: 16-10 49ers

Cleveland @ Arizona: 30-10 Browns *If you have any brains at all and $20 or more to put down, take advantage of the (-1) spread on the Cleveland Browns and bet HEAVILY*

Denver @ Oakland: 26-17 Broncos

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans: 27-17 Saints

NY Giants @ Chicago: 24-20 Bears

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh: 30-21 Steelers

New England @ Baltimore: 38-13

Friday, November 30, 2007

F-Yeah Friday Links

I'm supposed to be in training right now, but the other guy in my class didn't show up today, so I'm sitting here job shadowing, and it's about as exciting as watching a season of Major Dad. I would go crazy on some posts, but my boss isn't far from me so I have to look the part at this point. With that said, here's some links for you to enjoy, as well as Bo Ryan doing the Soulja Boy (yes it needs to go, but this is actually really funny)..Have a great weekend.

- Poor Joe Pa not only has to deal with being old, but The Big Lead finds he's also paid terribly

- The Angry T takes a look their top five worst NFL analysts, and while I don't agree with having Da Coach on there, the #1 selection was an easy one to predict. Where's JC Pearson on this list? He's god awful.

- Having some personal issues recently? Fret no more, as the Ghosts of Wayne Fontes have found athletes who know how to make you a better person

- Mac G has some problems with the officiating last night in the Dallas/Green Bay game, and while it does have some effect on the game, their defense is only place to look for the reason why. Bigby sucks.

- Place your bets on the end of Isiah's run as Docksquad wants to see when you think he'll be gone. I say a it's a gift to Knicks' fans on Christmas.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Week 13 Picks From The Doctor

Once again, my picks have fallen. Noce was spot on with his call of 37-27 Dallas, and a tip of the cap to you sir. All I can do at this point this point is take gambles and hope they pay off. As far as I'm aware, I'm down 9 games at this point. On a positive note, I'm 8-4 against the spread at Epic Carnival, so take the good with the bad. Anyways, for those you who give shit about our picks, which I doubt you do, but just in case, once again I apologize for us giving the bird to Week 12. To be honest, I probably would have fucked up more picks, so it might have been better for me to have not picked at all. Whatever. On a side note, Scarlett stop fucking drooling on my bedsheets, please. Every time I roll over I'm fucking drowning.

PS I will make my three picks for EC. If you like to make some plays, take my word for it; you will make money, and if you don't email us and I'll have Noce pay the difference.

SF @ CAR: 17-10 49'ERS
BUF @ WAS: 24-13 'SKINS
ATL @ STL: 27-7 RAMS, LINE: -3 STL
JAX @ IND: 31-23 COLTS
NYJ @ MIA: 21-13 JETS
TB @ NO: 27-21 SAINTS
NE @ BAL: 38-10 PATS

Real Quickly, Picks For The Cowboys/Packers Game

We will resume our weekly picks, so expect to see them up before Sunday. I haven't turned on the TV since getting home a couple minutes ago, so here's the picks. The only way I'm going to come back this year is if I pick against him, sucks to say it, but I'm taking the Pack even though I Dallas has this one. Oh well, gotta bite the curb sometimes.



Wednesday, November 28, 2007

How Much Longer Will Weber Last?

I'm a big fan of Bruce Weber. I got to cover his last season while he was at SIU before moving 180 miles north of Carbondale to Champaign-Urbana. The guy was very accomdating, funny, and always gave well thought out soundbites. Unlike Chris Lowery, he understood that some of the clowns that work in the College media will never materialize, or are not polished at that moment (me being one of them as a freshmen) but he always works with you, and appreciated you were trying. When he left to go to Illinois, I was happy for him. He deserved it considering what he accomplished at So Ill, and the program would not be where it is now if it were not for him. However, as he deserved his praise for turning around a non-existant Saluki program since back in the day when Clyde Frazier took them to the NIT Championship; he also deserves criticism. Let's face it: that great 04-05' team that came up just short was all Bill Self's recruiting. As the Illini lost for the second time this year last night to Maryland 69-61, it seems apparent that Bruce could be on the hot seat if Illinois doesn't do well this year, and the only direction he can point to is back at himself.

It must have been reassuring to Bruce that his brother; the head coach of the Glenbrook North Boys Basketball team, happened to have one of the best seniors in the country, not to mention the 2006 Illinois Mr. Basketball award winner, given to the best player of the year. What's not so reassuring? When he signs his letter of intent to play for Duke. How do you fuck that up? You + your brother can't convince him to play at Illinois, having won 112 games since 2003, which ties them with Duke and Florida for the most in D-1 Men's College Basketball. Now add in the fact of many others who opted out of the orange and blue; most namely Derrick Rose (Memphis), Eric Gordon (Indiana) and plenty of other Chicago/downstate products. What does Weber have to show for his in-state recruits? Next to nothing. And how about outside of the Land of Lincoln? Where's the ability to recruit in the Midwest?

The opposite is what shows up for Ron Zook. He got landed Benn, a D.C. product; he landed Martez Wilson, a D-end highly touted from Simeon in Chicago, rated 6th on in his senior year. It's funny to think how different these two coaches' career paths have traveled. Zook took over a national program in Florida (high point), didn't live up to the expectations he inherited and was fired (low point), took over an Illini football program that hadn't been prominent since 2001, and now has them possibly BCS bound again (high point). Weber, a long time assitant to Gene Keady finally got his first break at a non existant SIU program (high point for him, not so much for many). He lead them to their first sweet sixteen in 25 years, which lead to the Illinois job, and took them to the National Championship (definitely high point despite the outcome). Now, he can't recruit the blue chip players to come to Chambana, and the Illini program is getting nowhere fast, as evidenced by their first round exit at the hands of Virginia Tech last year in the NCAA Tournament (low point, and an added blow that his previous team kicked their ass in the next round).

The Illini basketball program has proven on paper to be in the upper echleon of College Basketball thus far in the 21st century. It should be a place where High School seniors opt to go; not having to be schmoozed. Yet Bruce will not schmooze; he will tell you he'd like you come to Illinois, but he's going to beat your ass into the hardwood with drills. You think O.J. Mayo would say, boy that sounds swell! Fuck no. Blue chip recruits want to be treated that way as superstars. They've already had a good portion of the public be able to recite their name to this point, why should they have to work as hard as some gym rat from Decatur? Hence, the fallout has begun for Bruce Weber. What makes Zook different from Weber? My take is the opportunity to start immediately, because his expectations are completely different. Bruce is expected to win constantly. Zook has plenty of leeway, and in turn, he can tell blue chips they'll start instantly, which is music to their ears. Who cares how the football team finishes? Everyone expects the Illini football team to suck. With expectations come come consequences. Zook has overperformed, and from the looks of things in the future, Weber has underachieved. Good luck Coach Weber. The odds for turnaround are against you.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A mix of random thoughts, From Your Doctor

When I promise to be accountable for my actions, I stand up to it. Of course, that rufies case with that hot 17-year old who told me she was 19 is completely different. But in terms of blogging, I'm a man of my word. I said I would post every night, and damn it I mean it, even if I am uncapable of driven a vehicle. Makes it more fun for you and I to read tomorrow morning. PS Every word I type I fuck up at this point, so if there's typos, bear with me, I'm doing my best. See, every Tuesday at this bar within 10 minutes of me, there's a Cricket Tournament (Darts for all you shiteaters who don't know better). I fucking blow if I'm not wasted. If I have a good amount of alcohol in me, I can hold my own. Did I play tonight? Nope, I was actually watching Merry Christmas Charlie Brown when one of my friends asked me to go (Say all that you want, I have priorities around holidays mf'ers). So I went and here I am now, a couple pitchers and jack and cokes deep. Fuck if I care, I'm in training, and we don't do shit at this point. Where the fuck was I going with this? Who the hell knows, anyways, I think what I was aiming at was these points of my day in thoughts of sports today and what we encounter as men.

- THE PASSING OF SEAN TAYLOR: I'm not a redskins fan, but I am a fan of the U. Why? Who fucking knows, I just think Miami has the sickest bunch of guys who play the meanest defense every year, and I love it. Exactly why I loved Sean Taylor. The Meast killed people on the field for the 'Skins, just as he did for the U, and I don't give a fuck about what he did off the field. The dude was a champ on it, and I sorta feel how My Brain Says Rage does on the subject. It's weird to feel down about somebody you've never met. Steg and Ray, I'm with you guys. Terrible to see such a great athlete go down the way he did.

BROADS HOOKING YOU UP WITH OTHER BROADS: Sorry to switch so differently, but I'm going off of my thoughts as they come, so bear with me here. You know what's a bunch of bullshit? When Broads push another one onto you giving you a look like she wants to fuck you. It's one thing you tell she's into me, it's another when you give looks like yeah it's all yours and then find out they're fucking psychotic about their ex-boyfriend. Why the fuck are you sending me into the Malibu flames with a bottle of Evian? What do you honestly think is going to happen? Here's my questioning, and if you have thoughts, lay it on me. 1: You think you're friend will mesh well with me, but instead of going slowly, you have us fucking in the lion's lair with 5 minutes for our lives. Don't give me that impression and those fucking facial expression that I get to blow it on her face later. If you she's in, tell me, don't play the 25,000 pyramid with me, you fuck. 2: I forgot where I was going with this, but I'll improvise. The chick she told me to talk to pretty much all but cups my balls and ass at the same, then starts on the phone seeing what their ex-boyfriend is doing.

Let's sum this up: A: I've wasted my time when I could be drinking more or talking to other chicks, B: My friends think I'm a Dick Lawyer, which is a term we use for one of our friends who chases pussy after they're in an ambulance. I was going to put a C: option, but I've ran out of thoughts, and I have to get up soon. Anyways, I know it's a random post, but I promised something, and I hope you enjoy my randomness.

One final thing, I doubt you'll give a shit, but I too have split my artery in the leg. I had my Femur busted as a running back when I was 11. That really hit home for me personally to hear how it happened considering how much blood I lost too. Your body has 16 pints of blood, I lost 10 of them when the bone cracked into a y-shaped fracture. The good lord blessed me with a resurgence of my own blood rebuilding, and I hope nothing for the best for Sean's kid, his fiancee, and his family.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Are The 07' Bulls Any Different From the 07' Cubs?

For any team that has high expectations, a slow start always finds a place for blame to be established. While it's hard to compare a slow start with basketball to football, it is easier to compare it with baseball. And what team better to compare the Bulls against, than a team who played only a couple months ago who also had lofty expectations, started slow, then managed to catch up, only to lose in the first round of the playoffs? Yep, your good ole 2007 Chicago Cubs. While it's true the Bulls are notorious for their terrible starts, this team just strikes me as a mirror image from the diamond to the court. Let's take a look at how they compare at the Bulls current point, to where the Cubs where after their first month:

CUBS THROUGH APRIL: 0-6 in one-run games, 1-9 in one to two-run games. In short, a team that couldn't score when it needed to which players blamed on the cold weather.

BULLS THROUGH NOVEMBER: 2-10 overall, averaging 86.5 ppg,with a -10.0 ppg differential which = WORST IN THE NBA. In short, another team who can't score.


CUBS: ALFONSO SORIANO/BULLS: LUOL DENG: Soriano spent most of April not doing jackshit except striking out and nursing whatever injuries he had. He hit a few homers, and that was about it. Considering his price tag, you would have liked to seen a bit more to help so the Cubbies could come out of the blocks better.

As for Luol, whatever killer instincts we as Bulls fans would think to have seen by now is all but forgotten; a strange dream we can keep thinking could have happened at some point only to realize it was fiction. That's exactly what Deng has been; an afterthought thus far this season. He hasn't learned to take over games, he seems passive at times, and I don't know that he has made more of an impact then Chris Duhon has (a definite reach, but when you consider expectations, it's a little more down-to-earth).


Derrek Lee and Kirk Hinrich: While his RBI's this year were pretty much his average from 2000-05 (only played 50 games in 06'), his home runs were down by eight in 2007 from that span. You could argue he had a better year then usual with 43 doubles, a .317 average, along with 180 hits; but how many games can you remember when he came through in the clutch? Yeah, decent numbers, but look comparatively to his numbers in the NLDS this past year: .333 avg, 0 HR, 0 RBI's, ZERO IMPACT.

Kirk Hinrich is shaping up for an even worse year thus far: 10.9 ppg, .349 fg %, .211 3 pt %, 5.5 apg. All numbers down from his career averages. Outside of his stupid fouls, Hinrich is a ghost on the court, and while his career would indicate he'll bounce back, I don't see any impact that he makes on this team that Gordon or the aforementioned down Deng won't be able to do.


Skiles has no answers, while Lou could barely speak sentences. But honestly, what do you expect these guys to say or do? Skiles can't make them shoot better no matter how many drills he puts them through, while Lou couldn't make the Cubs hit for most of the season. He could have had them practice bunting, but that would have been too much for a major league team to focus on, apparently. The difference in these two lies in experience, which Lou has Skiles lapped over on several times. Lou is also more calm these days, while Scotty looks like he hasn't taken a shit in over two weeks. The Cubs had the advantage of a Brewers team which prematurely finished like 'Special K' in Can't Hardly Wait. The Bulls will not have that luxury, as the Pistons know they better quickly head back to the NBA Finals before getting too old, not to mention the Celtics' early dominance. How does a jump shooting team get better? If you have a thought, please forward to Scott Skiles, he's dying to hear from you (and if you have a constipation remedy, send that one even sooner).

An Apology For the Last Week...

I've really just needed a break from blogging. There's been alot of bullshit in my mind on how I view what other sports bloggers perceive of each other, and to be perfectly honest, it's more fucking childish then the Wiggles. Yeah, those pole smokers. I can't believe all these people who think they're the next fucking Stephen King with their bitchin' novels, and to be honest, I just wanted to be done with this whole thing for a couple seconds. But, after taking a break, I've decided to continue on and focus my efforts towards this site, with of course my reports for Epic Carnival. Alright, I'm good to go, but one last word to all you douchebag fucksticks who think you're hot shit. Enjoy your 30 dollars of monthly revenue on your lastest Mascara products, you talentless Home Depot night shift managers.

Moving on, I would like to reaffirm to those of you who have been typing us in, or coming through differents sites such as 670 the Score to inform you that I am officially back in full force, Monday through Friday, and if I feel like it, something randomly on the weekends. Fuck, it's great to be back. Since Noce and myself have been useless, let's fill you in on the shit we've been doing since our time off.

- I lost my ATM card last Saturday on the way to Mickey's on Clark, and have had to assume the role as the local mooch to make ends meet until that fucker comes in the mail. I think Thanksgiving has fucked up the time process too, which absolutely sucks more dick then Michael Jackson in Toys-R-Us with the lights off in the store. Noce has notarity(sp?) for being a mooch. In fact, I have him a spreadsheet for money he borrows so I can track my shit (ok not really, but the more I see of him the more some future implementations have to be considered).

- Noce went to South Dakota to watch his one of younger brothers play hockey. The kid's pretty damn good apparently, I mean why the hell else would one move to South Dakota, other then to escape Jewish and Black people? (not a racist comment, but tell me how many goldstein's or william's you find in a local phonebook there..racist there? slightly). While he spent his time in modern communications hell, I myself spent most days either asleep or drunk. Now that's what I call vacation!

For those of you who have been checking in, thanks for sticking with us; unlike the Bulls we promise to come out of this funk.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Give Thanks for the NFL, Food, and Nice Asses

Today I was on my normal walk from Union Station to where I work now, which is about a 30-35 minutes stroll through the loop. In this weather, it's not alot of fun, but anything beats the shithole of a building I was at before, so no complaints here. But today's morning treat was following behind this gorgeous blonde for a good 5-10, and she had an ass worth 10 years of jail for. Not saying I would go to such lengths, but just to give you a mental image of her nicely pear-shaped behind. So that's why I'm giving thanks for a new job that allows me to eyefuck random girls behinds. I'm also thankful for plenty of other things, none of which you give two shits about, so with that in mind, let's jump ahead to the turkey triple line-up:

Green Bay @ Detroit: These two teams have met 18 times on Thanksgiving day, with the Lions winning 11 of those contests, including their last meeting in 2003. However, the Lions have lost their last two games, and Green Bay is off to their best start since the days of Bart Starr and Ray Nitcshke. With that in mind, the Pack should have no problem with the Lions. 28-17 Packers

New York Jets @ Dallas: The rest of our schedule is either set up perfectly, or it's complete bullshit. Here's the two sides of the coin. You'll probably be eating anywhere in between 4:30-6:30, unless you're a terrorist, then you won't eat your goat until 9. You'll be fucking stuffed, and the lame ass game of Cowboys-Jets will be the perfect antidote to your Black Wednesday hangover. If you're not getting trashed tonight, I'm sure your goat will taste just fine later on that night. 38-10 Cowboys

Indianapolis @ Atlanta: If Bryant Gumbel is caling this one, don't even bother with it. It's not really worth watching in the first place, and his presence will make you want to consider trepanning. If you've never heard of trepanning, read the article, it's pretty interesting. 45-3 Colts

Turkey Day NFL Picks

Since this week marks the beginning of Thursday games, picks will have to come a little earlier than usual. I was going to pick every NFL game this week but I took the day off work and ended up playing Guitar Hero III all day, my wrist hurts more than Shaq's ex-wife's vag after sex. So I'll do the Thursday games now and the rest tomorrow after I've eaten my weight in stuffing. Happy Thanksgiving everyone - even you Native Americans out there!

Green Bay @ Detroit: Detroit has lost the last three games on Thanksgiving Day and will lose another one to Brett Favre and his band of fudge Packers. God I hate the Packers - how the hell are they good? 31-27 Packers

NY Jets @ Dallas: The Jets had seven sacks in last week's game against Pittsburgh, which is pretty amazing because before that game they had nine in nine games. If the Jets can get after Tony Romo they'll be better off, but something tells me they might be better off leaving Romo in the pocket - he seems to be better when he has to scramble. 38-13 Cowboys

Indianapolis @ Atlanta: This is the first game that will air on the NFL Network this season so fans in Indy and Hot-Lanta will sure to be pissed off because premium cable aint cheap. This game won't be worth watching though because the Falcons wouldn't even be going to a BCS Bowl this year and Indy suddenly looks a lot less exciting. 30-10 Colts

Monday, November 19, 2007

Garland For Cabrera, Who Wins In The Long Run?

Only time will tell how this trade favors either the White Sox or the Angels. Before the start of the 2007 season, Garland had as many wins as any other pitcher in the MLB during those two years. In 07', he struggled through much of the year, ending up with a 10-13 record with a 4.23 ERA. While his ERA was better then last year, his wins and losses were drastically down from the 18-7 record he posted in 06'. On the other hand, Orlando Cabrera comes to the White Sox having won his second Gold Glove, and posting his career best BA of .301, something any White Sox fan would welcome considering the dogshit they posted as a team this year. Cabrera has a World Series ring from the Boston curse exorcism in '04, and doesn't strikeout easily, as he has never struck out more then 64 times in an enitre season.

What does this mean for the South Siders? A guy who can play defense and put the ball in play, something desparately needed in the offense last year. Jon Garland will never be forgotten for his role in the '05 Sox, as he was a huge help in getting them to their first World Series in over eight decades. However, as a Sox fan, I saw nothing that indicated to me that Garland would be anything more than a middle of the rotation pitcher for the rest of his career, and if anything he will get worse before he gets better. Yes, he did have a nice two-year run from '05-06, but he flat out sucked this past year. He has trouble locating his pitches, and can't overcome having a bad sinker, his go-to pitch. With Cabrera, the Sox will be able to dump Uribe soon with the development of Danny Richar coming into second, and will have someone who can lay down a bunt when needed, and will fight deep into the pitch count.

Overall, I think Kenny made a good trade. Garland has proven he will never be better then he has been, and getting a Gold Glove winner from the past season in return is a pretty solid return on your investment. The Sox will need to find another good quality starter however; while Garland wasn't a champ this year, he did eat up 200+ innings, and I don't think Jose Contreras can take over the workload. Look for the Sox to lock up Torii Hunter soon, and Kenny will continue to look for trades to fill Garland's spot.

R.I.P. 2007 Bears Season

At 4-6, it's time to look ahead, not consider what's happening now. The Bears would have win their next 5 of 6 to have a chance to clinch a wildcard, but with the inconsistently they've shown, it's hard to believe they are capable of such a feat. The interesting question I would impose on my fellow bears fans is who should take the brunt of the blame? Rex for his shitty start? Cedric Benson producing the worst yards per carry in the NFL? The offensive line? The injuries? Lovie and the coaching staff? I'll itemize my blame, and if you have some thoughts, throw them out there as well. My blame goes like this:

1. Offensive line
2. Quarterback play
3. Defensive play/injuries
4. Lovie and Ron Turner
5. Benson

1. OFFENSIVE LINE: It's impossible to get anything going when your o-line sucks. Pressure on the QB, not opening holes, and in conjunction with not opening holes, the bread and butter of the Bears offense, the play action, not working as a result. If you can't block, no one respects your ability to play action. This is exactly what has happened to the Bears, and there's no circumventing it. No run, no problem. Although many would point to the departure of Thomas Jones, the blocking was much better last year, and it's hard to say what would be different if TJ was here considering what has happened. He hasn't exactly blown up the Jets offense, but once again, only one person has made water out of wine, and the other attempting to do the same has a knee injury for the Viqueens. Benson has been a bust to say the least, but you can only lay so much on him for what is available to him. Passing wise, it's impossible for the Bears to have any continuety when the defense is constantly in the face of the quarterback. Say all you want about Griese or Grossman, but it doesn't matter who you have in the game when there is no option but to throw it up and hope for the best.

2. QUARTERBACK PLAY: Since most of my blame lays on the old ass o-linemen, the rest falls on the quarterbacks. Grossman started with 1 td against 6 picks, and while Griese had better numbers, it's hard to argue he was that much better then Rex. While his completion percentage was better, he wasn't making the big plays that made defenses respect what he could do. The only feather in his cap would easily be the long drive against the Eagles to win the game with under 2 minutes left and no timeouts. I honestly don't think Rex could have made that happen, and for that I give Griese the edge. But getting a slight edge over Rex does not a good quarterback make.

3. DEFENSIVE PLAY/INJURIES: With an inadequent offense on the field, it was apparent in the first game the defense had to do everything in order for the team to justify itself as the defending NFC Champions. Mike Brown and Dusty Dvoracek went down in the first game of the year. Tillman was out for a couple games, Vash hasn't played in weeks, and the little bitch with his hurt back Urlacher has been a shadow of himself in years past. When you have to trot Trumaine "Fuck me in the ass he got past me again" McBride on the field, bad things are bound to happen. Mike Brown has been Joe Glass for a while, and it would have been nice to have him stay healthy, but he's shown a propensity for injury, hence they should have never traded Chris Harris away. Archuleta sicks more dick then a Harlem hooker, and the Bears are relying on a pass rush from a non-existant Mark Anderson, and a less then 100% Tommie Harris.

4. LOVIE AND RON TURNER: I take these two for the most blame since Big Bad Bob hasn't had much to work with (FUCK YOU McBRIDE). I would lay more on Turner then Lovie since Lovie doesn't seem to do anything at all. Turner is responsible for the offense showing up, which it hasn't done all year. Benson finally showed something this past Sunday, at one point with 6 carries for 79 yards and a TD. Granted that was inflated by his biggest run of the year, but at least Ron running him more would have opened up the Play Action a little more later on in the game. If you get Ron Turner's offensive strategy, please apply to

5. CEDRIC BENSON: A big whoops, my bad should be proclaimed by Jerry Angelo at the end of the year thanks in part to investing a shit ton of money into an unproven back who was given the starting spot without having to earn it. I saw his only 100 yard game in the second game of the season against KC, and I don't think at any point in the game I was impressed at that point. In fact, I don't even want to talk about him anymore. He sucks, bottom line. Rashaan Salaam, Curtis Enis, Cedric Benson. More names just like all the quarterbacks you care to never remember again. Somewhere Moses Moreno laughs to think he was once apart of that conversation.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Week 11 Picks

I've been super busy at work lately so I decided to get blacked out last night to celebrate not having to wake up early. I accomplished this and then some, but I've been basically useless all day today - even too useless to sit and move my fingers around on a keyboard. This week's pick will be abbreviated because I have a party to attend tonight. Fuck you who actually care I know that nobobdy reads this shit I'm just going to keep doing this so I can brag to Dr. C that I'm smarter than him.

Miami @ Philadelphia: 27-13 Eagles

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta: 23-20 Buccaneers

Cleveland @ Baltimore: 20-13 Ravens

NY Giants @ Detroit: 31-24 Giants

San Diego @ Jacksonville: 20-10 Chargers

New Orleans @ Houston: 27-24 Texans

Kansas City @ Indianapolis: 27-10 Colts

Carolina @ Green Bay: 31-10 Packers

Oakland @ Minnesota: 23-13 Vikings

Arizona @ Cincinnati: 30-20 Bengals

Pittsburgh @ NY Jets: 38-20 Steelers

Chicago @ Seattle: 23-20 Bears

St. Louis @ San Francisco: 24-17 Rams

Washington @ Dallas: 38-13 Cowboys

New England @ Buffalo: 24-20 Patriots

Tennessee @ Denver: 27-24 Titans

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Week 11 Picks From The Doctor

Week after week, I manage to gain nothing. In fact, I just took another loss of a game in the standings. Fuck this blows. I'm like the Miami Dolphins of NFL picks recently, so that was the inspiration to the left. I thought I would be posting alot more stuff, but instead I've been lazy laying around sleeping. Speaking of sleeping, I saw a report last night on nightline as I was flipping around channels, and there's some fucking goofball who set a world record for continuous night without sleep. The dude hadn't slept in 11 fucking days. I'm pretty much an insomniac myself, but there's no way I could go longer then 3 days without sleep. I get delusional and shit on day three. But this jackass claims his motor functions have gotten better. Maybe it's one of those cases where the dude was such a fucking klutz he actually did get better. He looked like the Big Lebowski's lost cousin. Pretty funny. Anyways, here's the standings between me and Noce, and as usual I make my three plays for Epic Carnival. I finished 2-1 again last week, making me 8-4 overall with my picks. PS, IF YOU DO DECIDE TO MAKE A PLAY, TAKE TAMPA, THAT'S SO MONEY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!!

Noce: 95-47
Dr. C: 87-55

Miami @ Philadelaphia: LINE: PHI -10 35-6 Eagles

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta: For the first time all year, I took the Falcons to win, and Alge Crumpler secured my pick on a last second TD as they won 20-13. This week, a return to sanity. LINE: -3 TB 28-10 Bucs

Cleveland @ Baltimore: Derek Anderson should have no problem in this one throwing for 225 and 3 tds. Jamal Lewis would probably like to show up his former team on the ground, but he's looked like shit lately and that won't change. Browns 24-13

New York Giants @ Detroit: Both teams are coming in at 6-3 and off of double digit losses. Detroit ran for an impressive negative 18 yards in the game against the Cardinals while Romo torched the Giants Secondary. Despite having home field advantage, I think the Giants Defense will stop Detroit's offense. 27-17 Giants

San Diego @ Jacksonville: San Diego has been the toughest team this season to predict, with Kansas City coming in second. I never know which team will show up. My head tells me Jaguars, and though I'm tempted to take San Diego, I'll go with the Jags. 21-17 Jaguars

New Orleans @ Houston: The Saints choked against the hapless Rams last week. Let's hope they don't choke again for my sake. 31-21 Saints

Kansas City @ Indianapolis: Manning had his worst game of the season, if not his worst ever. Expect Peyton to come out pissed off and take it out on the ugly red-headed stepchildren called the Chiefs. 38-17 Colts

Carolina @ Green Bay: Just wait for the playoffs, Packers fans. It'll all end at the hands of the Cowboys, and I will love every second of it. 28-7 Packers

Oakland @ Minnesota: No Purple Jeezy, No problem. Chester Taylor hasn't done much all year, he'll be ready to run on that shitty Raider Run D. 20-13 Vikings

Arizona @ Cincinnati: If Detroit couldn't get positive yardage on the ground against the Cardinals, how will the 28th ranking rushing team in the NFL do? Yeah, not so much. LINE: -3.5 CIN 27-16 Cardinals

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets: Rape can defined in many ways: 1. using rufies to put in a girl's drink and then taking her home after she passes out. 2. Throwing a rock at Megan Fox's head after she just got done smoking pot. 3. The Steelers lining up against the Jets. 38-10 Steelers

Chicago @ Seattle: Gut Check time, Bears fans. My interest in the rest of this season hinges on the arm of number 8. I'll be stocking up on Rolaids before kick-off in this one. 24-20 Bears

St. Louis @ San Francisco: If you watch this game, you deserve an Elephant penis in your mouth. 21-9 Rams

Washington @ Dallas: Tony Romo would have to come down with Bird Flu for the Cowboys not to win this one. 34-20 Cowboys

New England @ Buffalo: I'm no fan of the Patriots, but I want them to go undefeated because I'm so fucking sick of the 72 Dolphins running their mouth about their stupid fucking record. Especially when they pop their champagne bottle and do an elephant walk around the room. Just uncalled for. 41-17 Patriots

Tennessee @ Denver: This one interests me as much as the AIDS epidemic in Africa. 21-16 Titans

The Case of the Warm Beer

There are few things in life as bad as a warm bottle of beer. Luckily for us, a 22-year old kid from New Zealand named Kent Hodgson has invented a device that takes nasty, undrinkable warm beer and cools it in a matter of seconds. With a cooling capacity 4X that of ice, the 'Huski' has officially put "ice" aka frozen water on notice. Coolers too for that matter.

If only the U.S. had a legal drinking age of 18, like New Zealand does, this invention surely would have come to fruition sooner. Just reading how Hodgson explained how the device works makes me think of how stupid I am for not coming up with this myself.

"You have plastic cooling cells which are pressed down into the dock which houses the liquid carbon dioxide," Hodgson said. "The liquid CO2 expands and is pressurised into dry ice in the base of the cooling cells ... in a moment. You then pop it into your drink and then proceed from there as you normally would."

Remember kids, all it takes to be rich is one good idea. Like that guy who invented the pet rock - he made $1 million dollars - never had to work again.

Here's hoping that this Kiwi's device actually works and doesn't break, spilling toxic chemicals into the beer, thus rendering a seemingly normal drinker lifeless on the floor. I think I'll wait to buy one until Apple comes out with it's own version of the 'Huski' titled iCool.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

No Kobe, No Championship

As the Boston Celtics easily defeated the Pacers last night 101-86, a sad but true realization dawned on me. Granted I was working on my 8th drink of the night, but when I woke this afternoon (fucking love not having work!) I remembered what I thought, and I still think I'm right. After reading Noce's column, I feel the complete opposite of he does, and I'll itemize that later on. But here's my reasoning. Boston would kill the Bulls in a playoff series. Detroit is still arguably better despite the Bulls having claimed their only victory this year off of them. That's two teams right there in a weak Eastern Conference. It all comes down to one player in the end, as basketball is the only professional sport that one can will his team to victory. THE BULLS NEED KOBE, AND KOBE NEEDS THE BULLS.

Sucks to think about, but it's the absolute truth. While the Lakers stumble their way through the winter months, Kobe is going to drive that team to trade him despite what value they should get in return. Paxson has seen this team get nowhere fast this year, be it the usual "slow start" or trade talks, contract negotiations, whatever. They're 1-5, and they don't look too fucking good. Think of Paxson as a lion who has been eyeing a weakling in a pack of Wildebeests. He's just bidding his time to pick it off. Here's my reasons for why the Bulls need Kobe.

- Celtics: After making the trades for Garnett and Ray Allen, alot of the so called experts on the Extra Sexual Party Network were still claiming the Bulls as the front runners in the Eastern Conference. As to why they werent claiming the Celtics: Depth. Certainly a good point, and one that can't be disputed. Ray Allen hasnt' played a full 82 games since 2000, Paul Pierce cares as much for defense as I do for ugly fat jewish girls, and Garnett has been carrying a team his entire NBA career. The likes of Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins would even leave Eddy Curry salvating (granted it doesn't take much to get that going). Nevertheless, the Celtics don't have to win 72 games. They could first in Eastern Conf. with 55. If that means giving Ray Allen the month of January to relive his Jesus Shuttlesworth days of fucking hot blondes, so be it. They've shown that this is their conference to lose. Look at what one single player has done to the Bulls (Cuttino Mobley, Rasheed Wallace). Now throw in two more who are capable getting hot.

- Teams who've won without a superstar: ABA 1975 Kentucky Colonels (anytime you can throw the Kentucky Colonels in, do it) 1979 Supersonics, 2004 Detroit Pistons. That's about it. It doesn't happen.

I'm sick of watching the Bulls go nowhere. I'm sick of people being content to say, hey, at least we made it to playoffs! WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK?! What fucking difference does it make whether they finish 6th in the Central Division or eliminated in the Conference Finals despite being a 6th seed? This team needs to win it now. Not next year, or the year after that. NOW. They already shown us they're not going to do it this year. Give me all the arguments you want. I will gladly bet against you and win. Trust me, I would love to see them win it all with the pieces they already have in place. But like they say, hope in one hand, shit in the other. 1-5 feels like shit to me.

Zack Morris = Soulja Boy?

Shout out to Docksquad's Sports World for this awesome find. There is nothing in the world that hasn't been, in some way or another, included into the Soulja Boy song. This works perfectly with my story I posted on My Brain Says Rage as part of their My Brain Says Contest.

Nothing says 'supersoak that ho' like watching Zack get that chocolate shake poured on him. Oh and the Slater spandex is a nice touch too. Enjoy.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Greed Kills

Hi folks Noce here, I've had a pretty nice day today relaxing at home all day. I decided to take a day off because I have been busting my ass lately at work and I figured this would give me a nice break and make my week feel shorter, thus leaving me more refreshed and happy when I'm at work.

There is one thing that has been bothering me lately and I haven't been able to shake it. Usually I adhere to a strict regimen of alcohol abuse and avid TV-watching in order to keep me relatively happy, but even that hasn't been able to make my pain go away. Maybe if I tell you what my pain is, I will stumble on the answer I've been looking for this whole time in the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser. You see, I really like the Chicago Bulls.

The Bulls are my favorite NBA team and they're right up there amongst my favorite sports teams but the thing I really hate is when so-called "fans" act like TOTAL AND COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOTS. I haven't made it to a Bulls game yet this year. I was going to go on Saturday but it didn't work out because I was already drunk at 5pm after the Illini upset THE Ohio State Fuckeyes. I'm actually glad I didn't make it to the game because the Bulls got their asses kicked.

The other reason I'm glad I didn't make it to the game because if I had, I would most likely be getting out of jail right now after being involved in an altercation with one of the cock-sucking, bandwagon-hopping, know-nothing sons of bitches who were actually chanting KOBE during the Bulls game.

When the story first came out about a few echos of a Kobe chant from the rafters I brushed it off as nothing. Years of going to Bulls games and seeing the type of carny-folk that can stumble out of such villages as Cicero, Berwyn and Carol Stream, has made me immune to the alcohol-induced idiots that know nothing about what is actually going on in the game. Granted, this is only like 5% of the typical fan base of the Bulls, which is about standard for most pro teams unless you're talking about the Cubs, in which case it jumps to around 60-70%.

But when I heard that Saturday's game featured a chorus of KOBE chants that went on for long parts of the game, I started getting really pissed. If you were a real fan of the team and actually knew anything, you would know that the Bulls always start off badly. This is not to excuse them for their poor start this year but for fuck's sake it's only been SIX GAMES. The Bulls' record has a lot less to do with GM John Paxson's attempts to deal for Kobe and a lot more to do with the fact that both Luol Deng and Ben Gordon turned down eight-figure deals right at the start of the season. I thought the Bulls were centered around the fact that what is good for the team takes precidence over what is good for the individual?

I guess that all changes once rookie contracts start to expire. For as much as Deng has been celebrated for his off-court achievements and his crystal-clear character, he pretty much fucked the Bulls over by turning down that deal. NBA talking heads have said that Deng needs to start learning the "me-first" attitude on the court and take over on offense, well I think he's already got that attitude down pat in the contract talks.

All Deng had to do was sign the deal, take the $50 million plus and after three years he would have gotten an even bigger deal as long as he continued to develop the way people are projecting him to. But now there's going to be a season-long annoyance as his name, along with Gordon's - who also fucked the Bulls by turning down another monster deal (but I don't really care about him because I kind of want him to go) - will be involved in more trade talks which will only make the two players more of a distraction.

So before stupid asshole fans begin to rip Paxson and Scott Skiles they should take a look at the actual players wearing the red and black jerseys. Paxson put this all together and he is responsible for the outcome, I'll give you that much. But he and Skiles can only do so much, the guys on the court have to produce like they're being PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to do.

And What the fuck is Ben Wallace doing? The so-called "leader" didn't even nominate himself to be voted as a captain. Clearly he is just showing up to go through the motions and collect his huge paychecks for this season. When he's on the offensive side of the court they don't even bother to guard him. Put in Aaron Gray or deal Wallace's ass for whoever will take him - he's fucking dead to me.

It's ironic that the fans from the top of the stadium are the ones who are making the noise because if they actually stopped to think about the fact that Kobe Bryant is the antithesis of all that is good about the Bulls, they would maybe realize that we don't need Kobe. Somebody at the Local #402 should inform these morons that defense, hard work and desire will prevail in the NBA. The Bulls have that now, whether they know it or not.

They also have huge problems with Deng and Gordon's situation and until that is taken care of, they will not be any better than a .500 team this year, which isn't fine by me but you will never, ever catch me at a Bulls game cheering for anyone other than the men who wear the red and black.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Some Upcoming Changes...

Well, I officially left my shitty job today, and Fuck I couldn't be any happier about it. I managed to stick it out for 11 months at a place that most people would be lucky to last 3 in. So after saying peace out, I now have the entire week to myself before starting my job next Monday. What does that mean? A few subtle changes here at Chicago Bull. From now on, my posts will be coming at night. I might have a few random during the day, but not until I can figure out how busy I am, and that sorta stuff. I think I'll be keeping more daily links to tide most of you over, and then when I get home, I can unleash the fury. But until I start, you can count alot of shit this week, so enjoy, I know I will!

Bears Offense = Torture defines Torture as "the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty." Well, considering that, the people of Chicago and Oakland were subjected to quite possibly the worst offensive output in this decade. At what point did you kick your family dog for sheer frustration? For me, had to be when Grossman came into the game and immediately fumbled the first snap. Fucking Rex was too busy smiling and thinking about how he could advertise himself to the likes of the Lions, Bucs and Panthers. Anyone who takes a voucher on him is asking for trouble, except for Carolina because they are seriously screwed at QB, and Rex is better then Matt Moore or whatever his name is. Look at that guy. Fucker looks like he just got fired from Domino's and has been forced to eat ants to survive. Anyways, we here Chicago Bull always look for ways to save some money, and we have the perfect weapon to unleash in the War on Terror. But before we do, lets look at some ways that Government secretly gets information from these camel raping bastards: (thank lord for wikipedia. We don't condone violence, we just choose to look the other way.)

Waterboarding: - Waterboarding is a torture technique that simulates drowning in a controlled environment. It consists of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face[1] to force the inhalation of water into the lungs. How bad would that suck? The only way to really appreciate how much this would blow, I advocate the following: Does your office have a water cooler with the big gallon you put on it? If so during your next break, have a fellow employee blind you with your tie or his. Next, lay down underneither it, and have some hold you down. Two if necessary. Then unannounced the water continue for about minute unless you need to tap out. Better yet, do it to someone you don't like and pretend not to hear them wanting to be done. It's a two for one in my book.

The Rack:
Remember the end of Braveheart when they had him tied up? Of course you do, it's on almost every other fucking day. The rack consists of an oblong rectangular, usually wooden frame, slightly raised from the ground, with a roller at one, or both, ends, having at one end a fixed bar to which the legs were fastened, and at the other a movable bar to which the hands were tied. The victim's feet are fastened to one roller, and the wrists are chained to the other.

As the interrogation progresses, a handle and ratchet attached to the top roller are used to very gradually stepwise increase the tension on the chains, which induces excruciating pain as the victim's joints slowly dislocate. By means of pulleys and levers this latter could be rolled on its own axis, thus straining the ropes till the sufferers joints were dislocated.

I'm not quite sure how you could pull this off in the office other then just pulling on someone arms and legs. Instead, just go straight to a cutting technique and get a bunch of push pins to put in somebody. That'll do.

Michael Bolton: How Can We Be Lovers. Put this on repeat. If you don't wish for death after an hour, Kill Yourself. You're part of the problem in this country.

Bears Offense: I couldn't find any video evidence from yesterday's game. So'll just leave you with this tribute to Rex. You really wouldn't want to have embarked on the amount of shittyness that graced my TV screen yesterday.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

NFL Week 10: Spit it out

I don't feel like spending my usual three hours writing jokes this week, so I'm just going to give you the straight dope picks. Enjoy fuckers.

Buffalo @ Miami: The Bills could add another chapter to their "How to Choke Away a Game" manual if they provide Miami's first win this year. Let's hope Dick Jauron brings his balls with him this week and opens up the offense. 31-20 Bills

Minnesota @ Green Bay: I hope nobody wins this game. 24-21 Packers

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh: How Pittsburgh is favored by 10 escapes me but I'll still take them to beat the poo bears. 27-17 Steelers

Denver @ Kansas City: Dre' Bly is about as physical as Stephen Hawking, and I expect the Chiefs rookie Dwayne Bowe to scalp Denver's weak secondary like Chief Illiniwek would to the jerkoffs who got him banned if he could. 24-17 Chiefs

St. Louis @ New Orleans: I don't know what city I would rather not live in more: St. Louis or New Orleans. I think I'd almost rather live in France. Ok maybe not France but some other place that isn't New Orleans of St. Louis. 30-20 Saints

Jacksonville @ Tennessee: Take Tennessee to cover the 4-point spread and you'll make some money. 24-10 Titans

Philadelphia @ Washington: Jason Campbell is what Donovan McNabb used to be: mobile. I like the 'Skins chances in this one as long as they contain Brian Westbrook. 27-24 Redskins

Atlanta @ Carolina: If you find youself watching this game you should immediately question your place here on this Earth. 20-13 Panthers

Cincinnati @ Baltimore: Prison Bowl 2k7 should be pretty exciting to watch. I hope they remember to beef up the security at Ravens Stadium Sunday with the return of Bengals receiver Chris Henry back. 31-17 Bengals

Detroit @ Arizona: Edgerrin James will keep the Cardinals close in this game, but will they pull it out? Fuck it I'll take a gamble I have a 7-game lead. 27-26 Cardinals

Cowboys @ Giants: $100 bucks says two years ago Tony Romo never thought people would be wishing they were him one day. 30-24 Cowboys

Chicago @ Oakland: With the loss of Ruben Brown the Bears running game went from barely erect to flacid. Picking the Raiders in this one would be almost as bad as voting for Hillary Clinton, so I'm sticking with the Bears. 20-17 Bears

Indianapolis @ San Diego: If there is any person on this planet (Wow, two Earth references in one post - neat) who thinks Norv Turner is a good coach, you are either Norv's brother Ron or straight up retarded. 31-21 Colts

San Francisco @ Seattle: Really? This is the Monday Night game? Seriously? Way to make a usually dull and disappointing day even worse with this matchup ESPN. 27-17 Seahawks

Friday, November 9, 2007

Goodbye Hellhole; Hello Better Opportunity!!!

Time to break out the Jager; after 11 months it's time to move on, and I couldn't possibly be any more excited then I am right now after getting a new job offer. I will not name the company yet because I'm still an employee for the time being, but I will promise you the Doctor was ready to go. So have a great weekend everyone, I leave you someone getting kicked in the balls willingly. God people are stupid.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Don't Fuck with Us, Episode Two

There are a few things that I've come to realize having entered the 'sphere. Original ideas are hard to come by, and when you have success with them, you tend to take them too far. I like Spirit of Jake Plummer, I think they come up with alot of original ideas; however one of my critcisms of them would be they cater too much to bullshit posts they sit on. The NFL coaches having different jobs was a great post, and I give them alot of credit for the orginality of the thoughts, but sometimes I feel like that's all they post. Manufactured bullshit to please. I think they have a good site; but I think they should stick to less "these athletes/coaches compared to this contemporary idea".

Anyways, I think the Crown and Coke is talking, but with alcohol comes truth. Moving on, here's our new weekly segment considering our spam/inbox.

The National Lottery
Accounts Dept. PO Box 287
Watford WD18 9TTM
United Kingdom.


We are pleased to inform you of the result of the winners of the UNITED KINGDOM NATIONAL LOTTERY ONLINE PROMO PROGRAM, held on the 3rd of November, 2007.

Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 20511465463-7644 with Serial number S/N-00168 drew the lucky numbers: 887-13-865-37-10-83 Bonus Ball which subsequently won you the lottery in the category /A/.

You and two other winner's have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of 1,450,000 (One million four hundred and fifty thousand pounds sterling) each from the total payout. Your prize award has been insured with your e-mail address and will be transferred to you upon meeting our requirements, statutory obligations, verifications, validations and satisfactory report. All participants for the online version were selected randomly from worldWide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over 21,000 unions, associations, and corporate bodies that are listed online. This promotion takes place weekly. To file for your claim, contact Mr. Nolan Woods your Fiduciary Claims Agent,

Name: Mr. Nolan Woods
Te l: +44 704 575 6262
Fax: +44 7 07 502 4485


1. FULL NAMES: __________
2. ADDRESS: _____________
4. NATIONALITY: ______________
5. TELEPHONE NUMBER: _____________
6. SEX: _________
7. AGE: ______________________
8. MARITAL STATUS:___________
9. OCCUPATION: ___________________
10. AMOUNT WON: ___________________

Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program.

Mrs. Cecilia Moore
Sweepstakes International Program.
Copyright © 1994-2007 The UK National Lottery Inc.
All rights reserved. Terms of Service - Guideline.

Our Response:




Welcome to the madness. I would have started this thread sooner, but me and Noce went on a booze run. We decided on Crown and Coke, as we hopefully will be celebrating the first of many Bulls wins. Enjoy me getting pissed off at Duhon.


- Ben Wallace is already taking shots and missing: Not good. Bulls get the board back, Hinrich no good

- Tyrus Thomas gets the steal, and is rewarded by Hinrich with a dunk; the only shot he's capable of making.- Luol Deng with a jumper; followed by Wallace with a basket. The Bulls are doing a good job on defense out of the gate which is nice to see. Thomas gets an lay-up, and one. Fuck yes. Please keep this up.

- Whoever had the under 5 minutes for Skiles getting pissed off about something, you're money.

- What the Fuck is going on? Suddenly Wallace discovers an offensive game? What's next; no fouls for Hinrich?

- Were at the 7:40 mark, Bulls up by 7: 13-6


- Even Duhon is getting in the act. This is the best the Bulls have looked so far this year. Impressive or sad?

- First Hinrich loses Rip Hamilton, then he loses the ball on the opposite end. Doug Collins just announced Rip named his newborn Clay. Must have been to late to get an abortion, so he gave the kid epitome of what he thinks of him.

- HOLY SHIT! Wallace gets a rebound. What a novel concept. Now get about 14 more.

- Welcome back to earth, Duhon you suck!

- Thomas dunks on Sheed, Sheed burns him on the other end. Bulls still up by 7 however with a few minutes left in the quarter.

- On the way to the liquor store on Clark st., we saw a hotel for "men only". For those interested, I'm sure you can get Craig Sager's autograph in front of their after the game.

Detroit is slowly creeping back into the game; Luol answers with a comeback.

- Noah checks into the game; while I go to make a drink the following conservation transpires between me and Noce:

ME: Where's the bottle of Crown?
NOCE: In the freezer.
ME: Most people take the booze out of the fucking box.
NOCE: Giggles
Innermonologue: What a putz.




- Duhon hits the first shot of the second. Any time you hear the name "Flip" in this quarter: drink

- Noah is working like a asian sex slave with a gun to the head. Nice to see, not pleasant imagine.

Noce just pointed out that we haven't seen Thabo. Good thing. Noah just ran the floor and almost got it to go. Fuck, it's too bad he can't wear his ping-pong paddle, cause he can't shoot for shit. Nocioni is in the game; Noce is pleased. In fact, since he just hit a shot, Noce has gone into the other room. I told him to keep it clean.


- Doug Collins indicates he would like to Nocioni shopping at the local Jewel. What nice guy. Too bad he came with this comment worthy of Awful Annoucing: "Benches play better at home". Whatever you say, Doug.

- Gordon has picked a good time to warm up. He needs to keep hitting these jumpers to build his confidence. The current floor for the Bulls is Hinrich, Deng, Gordon, Nocioni and Wallace...finally something that resembles what the Bulls ideally want to do: Hinrich cuts into the lane, and hits Wallace for an easy lay-up. Time out Pistons, Bulls up by 12.

- Speaking of Gordon, its things like this that make me want to break a toddler's shin; STOP TAKING STUPID ASS SHOTS WHERE YOU CONTORT YOUR BODY LIKE A CIRQUE-DU-SOLEIL MEMBER. SPOT UP, SHOULDERS SQUARE, THEN SHOOT! JAGOFF.

Just saw a replay of Hinrich crashing into the Pistons bench. So nice of those cocksuckers to help him up or something. FUCK YOU DETROIT BENCH. Luckily Hinrich said he's ok. Wallace is back to playing like the fuckstick he's been this year; losing the ball while dribbling. Tyrus Thomas, stop shooting.

- Thank you Nocioni for ending this wretched bullshit called the Bulls offense. And thank you God for hearing my pleas for Thomas going back to what he does best; dunk in someone's face.

AT 1:59, BULLS 48, PISTONS 43

- If the CIA wanted someone to inflitrate Tehran, I vote for Rasheed Wallace. His facial hair would be perfectly welcomed in Iran. I could see him posting in Amuwhatever the fuck his name is; Mahmoud getting mad, and having him shot.

- Ben Wallace keeps shooting, I keep drinking to offset my anger. I think Noce might need to handle the second half; if this keeps up I'm going to be passed out by the fourth quarter.

Classic 2007 Bulls happening in the last minutes going into halftime; slowly choke the lead away. Unfucking real. AIRBALL YOU COCKSUCKER!!!! Fuck Rasheed.

In response, Classic Nocioni. Hits a tough jumper, then turns around takes the charging foul on Billups. Atta Boy!




Noce here, welcome back. It took all of 19 seconds for Hinrich to grab his second foul, way to go Kirk.

- Luol with a nice slash to the hoop, he's able to do that at any time in the game - someone just has to light a fire up his ass.

- Hinrich is 3-7 for the night after knocking down a long field goal.

- Gordon hits and the Bulls widen the lead to 10 points, remind me of the talent everyone was talking about going into this season.

- Billips with the hard fould on BG, I really wouldn't be sad if Billups, Hamilton and Sheed all suffered career-ending injuries tonight.

8:00 left in the 3rd

- Kevin Harlan starts making excuses for why Ben Wallace can't jump, saying that he's fighting an ankle sprain. I disagree. If you were being paid $60 million to basically only grab eight rebounds a night would you jump? He's going to get his eight somehow.

- I just realized how unfunny I am right now. I'd apologize but I'm pretty sure there's nobody even paying attention so it doesn't even matter.

- If you counted turnovers Tyrus would be well on his way to a triple double tonight...oh well I'll take the points and boards.

- Ben Gordon picks up his fourth foul on the offensive side of the court, how I have no idea. Enter: Duhon. Exit: my happiness.

6:00 left in the 3rd Quarter:

- Tyrus makes a great play offensively but falls asleep on defense, letting Sheed drain a 3 in his face.

- Tyrus rejects Rip Hamilton and the fucking cheap shot artist grabs Tyrus from the ground and earns himself a technical foul. Rip Hamilton is 2nd on my most-hated NBA players behind James Posey. A quite refreshing "Detroit Sucks" chant is heard from the crowd.

- Duhon can't even make an uncontested free throw, will someone please break his knee-caps?

- I swear to god if I have to hear an announcer say that Deng is having a "quiet night" I'm going to punch myself in the dick. I blame England for making you such a pussy.

- Duhon turns it over twice in a row, prompting me to chug a beer, and then Sheed hits a 3 to take the lead down to 3. Pistons take the lead down to 1 and I'm even less happy than when I realized I wasn't good looking.

3:00 left in the 3rd Quarter:

- Could you imagine if Tyrus was in college right now? He'd be a junior for LSU and they would be favored to win everything, including most tattooed team. Duhon with a stupid foul, god damn I hate him. If anyone, ever should have considered abortion, it should have been Duhon's mom.

Alright kids, as Dr. C retakes the helm, the Piss-ons have just taken the lead.

OH we go again, Hinrich makes a play on the ball, then gets a Napoleonic complex and takes on three Pistons for a lay-up. Winner of both contests: England and Pistons.

- WOW, Noah goes up for a dunk, and looks like me on a nerf hoops above the door; falling on my ass and looking horrible. The difference? I'm in room, Noah is in front of thousands. Advantage Me.

- As Noah was shooting his free throws, Wallace talks to shit to him. I'll take a stab the verbatim:

Sheed: I got more weed and ability then you.
Noah: I can dance better then you.
Sheed: Touche', Nappy head.



Alright, we pick up the action from the 8:44 mark. Everybody pretty much bailed on us when the Office came on, and I don't blame you for that. If you happened to have come back to check up, here's what you've missed:

- No one wants to pass to Duhon

- Rip Hamilton tripped Tyrus after he rejected his shot because he's a crybaby piece of shit who sucks at life; and probably the game of Life

- The Bulls have dominated the offensive boards

- FUCK YOU FLIP MURRAY. You're the NBA version of Tyrone Biggums



There was just a kick-ball foul, clock just went from 11 to 14; isn't it supposed to go to 24?!

- TYRUS WITH A CLUTCH BLOCK ON HAMILTON, BUT HAMILTON HITS A LITTLE RUNNER MAKING THIS A ONE POINT GAME...kinda like how he did in that UCONN NCAA tourney game back in 99'. Thank you Wikipedia for the reference.


- Beautiful move by Gordon to draw in the cocksucking crybaby for the foul; Gordon hits the first, misses the second. Shit. 26.3 seconds left. Time-Out Piss-ons. FUCK YOU RON HARPER YOU TRAITOR FOR JOINING THE ENEMY. Ron Harper will now be considered a Benedict Arnold in my book. Instead getting an eggs dish named after him, anyone who stutters that I don't like will now be called Benedict Harper. Good, I'm glad that's all cleared up now.

Oh Shit, might as well stop posting, Duhon's in the game. YES!!!!!!!!! FINALLY WALLACE MISSES ON A ISOLATION AGAINST THOMAS!!! FUCK YOU SHEED!! HAHA

- Joe Smith is fouled; misses the first..please dont fuck up the second. Thank you God, my prayers are again answered. BULLS BY THREE WITH 13.3 SECONDS LEFT, BULLS WITH 1 FOUL TO GIVE.

- Billups tries to get the foul because he's a pussy and can't take a legitimate three, dishes to Hamilton who misses, BULLS BALL WITH 2.9 seconds left. THANK YOU TYRUS THOMAS FOR AT LEAST HITTING ONE FUCKING FREE THROW. BULLS BY FOUR AND HAVE THIS ONE IN THE BAG!!!


Final Thoughts from Me and Noce:

Noce: Were overpaying for Wallace, he can go back to Detroit; Tyrus, I'm glad we didn't trade you; Hinrich can be effective when not getting his stupid fouls; I'm still waiting to see what Luol can actually do.

Dr. C: I fucking hate Rip Hamilton. While I'm not the biggest Rasheed Wallace fan, I definitely respect the guy's game. Chris Duhon sucks, but that's no news flash. I agree with the Luol comment from Noce. If the guy is supposed to be the next superstar, he needs to show up more then just occasionaly here and there. He's needs to get the killer attitude, the attitude that says to everyone give me the fucking ball and get the hell outta my way. Every superstar has the mentality, Deng needs to develop that this year to grow into the potential everyone can see.

If you happened to check in with us tonight, thanks for following along. We appreciate it, and we'll be doing more of these in the near future. ALso, I have somethings to do in the morning, so look for a few posts in the afternoon/evening.