Monday, November 12, 2007

Bears Offense = Torture defines Torture as "the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty." Well, considering that, the people of Chicago and Oakland were subjected to quite possibly the worst offensive output in this decade. At what point did you kick your family dog for sheer frustration? For me, had to be when Grossman came into the game and immediately fumbled the first snap. Fucking Rex was too busy smiling and thinking about how he could advertise himself to the likes of the Lions, Bucs and Panthers. Anyone who takes a voucher on him is asking for trouble, except for Carolina because they are seriously screwed at QB, and Rex is better then Matt Moore or whatever his name is. Look at that guy. Fucker looks like he just got fired from Domino's and has been forced to eat ants to survive. Anyways, we here Chicago Bull always look for ways to save some money, and we have the perfect weapon to unleash in the War on Terror. But before we do, lets look at some ways that Government secretly gets information from these camel raping bastards: (thank lord for wikipedia. We don't condone violence, we just choose to look the other way.)

Waterboarding: - Waterboarding is a torture technique that simulates drowning in a controlled environment. It consists of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face[1] to force the inhalation of water into the lungs. How bad would that suck? The only way to really appreciate how much this would blow, I advocate the following: Does your office have a water cooler with the big gallon you put on it? If so during your next break, have a fellow employee blind you with your tie or his. Next, lay down underneither it, and have some hold you down. Two if necessary. Then unannounced the water continue for about minute unless you need to tap out. Better yet, do it to someone you don't like and pretend not to hear them wanting to be done. It's a two for one in my book.

The Rack:
Remember the end of Braveheart when they had him tied up? Of course you do, it's on almost every other fucking day. The rack consists of an oblong rectangular, usually wooden frame, slightly raised from the ground, with a roller at one, or both, ends, having at one end a fixed bar to which the legs were fastened, and at the other a movable bar to which the hands were tied. The victim's feet are fastened to one roller, and the wrists are chained to the other.

As the interrogation progresses, a handle and ratchet attached to the top roller are used to very gradually stepwise increase the tension on the chains, which induces excruciating pain as the victim's joints slowly dislocate. By means of pulleys and levers this latter could be rolled on its own axis, thus straining the ropes till the sufferers joints were dislocated.

I'm not quite sure how you could pull this off in the office other then just pulling on someone arms and legs. Instead, just go straight to a cutting technique and get a bunch of push pins to put in somebody. That'll do.

Michael Bolton: How Can We Be Lovers. Put this on repeat. If you don't wish for death after an hour, Kill Yourself. You're part of the problem in this country.

Bears Offense: I couldn't find any video evidence from yesterday's game. So'll just leave you with this tribute to Rex. You really wouldn't want to have embarked on the amount of shittyness that graced my TV screen yesterday.

No comments: