Monday, March 31, 2008

Tickets Still Available For Chris Duhon Basketball Camp!!

Have you ever wanted to know what it takes to be a shitty, malcontent bench warmer? Looking for some good lines to throw towards women in your favorite Lincoln Park watering establishment? Are you not satisified with your role in HR? Looking for a little more "playing" time with your wife? Unhappy about your contract at work?

LOOK NO FURTHER! Introducing the Chris Duhon Basketball Camp!

With his no I in team attiude, and lackadaisical leadership, Chris is composing an opportunity for you to make millions doing exactly what he does: not jack shit! At this exciting three day course, Chris introduces to some of his moderately successful Duke alums who will give you the inside edge you've been after. For the low price of $199, you'll be involved in such concepts as:

"Playing while hungover; The key to avoid playing time"

Instructor: Chris Duhon

"When and how to bitch effectively"

Instructor: J.J. Redick

"Attactrating the Ladies: What to do when not gifted with good looks"

Instructor: Mike Dunleavy

"Hunger; an effective way to box out the buffet"

Instructor: Sheldon Williams

"Talent: what to do when you don't have any"

Instructor: Steve Wojciechowski

"Extreme Sports: Flying by the seat of your pants"

Instructor: Jason Williams

This is just a sampling of some of the great courses you'll learn to underachieve in life. But if you act within the next week, you can take part in a speical one time only class taught by Chris himself!!

The art of the strip tease:

Here's some of the future dates coming up in a shithole near you!

- July 9-13th, Slidell, LA

- July 16-20th, Durham, NC

- July 31st-August 3rd, Chicago, IL

For Ticket Information, visit for more!

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

2008: A Bad Year To Be Named Heath

NEWBERRY, S.C. -- College offensive lineman Heath Benedict was found dead in his Florida home Wednesday night, apparently of natural causes, according to broadcast reports.
Two television stations in Jacksonville, Fla., reported on their Web sites that homicide detectives were called to Benedict's home about 7 p.m. Wednesday. When they arrived, they found Benedict, 24, dead on his couch.

Police told the television station they did not suspect foul play, drugs or alcohol in Benedict's death. Benedict's body was taken to the medical examiner, according to the TV report.

Benedict, a native of the Netherlands, transferred to Newberry, an NCAA Division II school, for the 2004 season after redshirting at Tennessee as a freshman in 2002. Sporting News' Draft '08 guide ranked Benedict (6-foot-6 and 335 pounds) as the ninth-best player at the guard position in this year's draft class. He was projected as a fourth-round selection.

The Next Heath to go?

Heath Shuler, Former Redskin Killer and current North Carolina congressman Odds: 4-1

Heathcliff Slocumb, relief pitcher and 1 time all-star. 990 time Coke user. Odds:3-1

Heathcliff the Cat, Garbage enjoyer and bastard version of Garfield. Odds: 8-1

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Cubs Predictions via Simpsons Characters

Rather than coming up with some bullshit predictions and pulling obscure statistics out of my ass in an attempt to predict five or six random events throughout the season, I thought I'd give you a little more of an entertaining post.

A post about a TV show that once captivated an entire demographic of children for more than a decade infused with a Major League Baseball team that has tortured its fan base for over 100 years.

I give you, the 2008-09 Cubs, as Simpsons characters. If anyone is wondering, I got the character descriptions from the Simpsons home page.

Joseph Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald Fitzhenry "Joe" Quimby, a.k.a. "Diamond Joe" Quimby, or simply Mayor Quimby is the mayor of Springfield. Quimby has long served as the Democratic mayor of the fictional city of Springfield. He appears as a slick, opportunistic politician whose chief priorities seem to be keeping himself in office, womanizing, and various forms of corruption.

He is known to be a womanizer, and to occasionally amuse himself with pornographic playing cards during town meetings. Quimby was once the subject of 27 separate paternity suits; a result, no doubt, of his frequent womanizing.

Jim Hendry, a.k.a "Jim Spendry" , or simply a heart attack waiting to happen, is the General Manager of the Cubs. Hendry has long served as the signer of checks for the fictional dream that is a Cubs World Series Title. He appears as a savvy, opportunistic General Manager with an open checkbook for the latest thrill. Hendry's chief priorities seem to be spending a shit-ton of other people's money, keeping himself and his job alive, excersizing, and various forms of awkward smiling.

Homer J. Simpson
A devoted husband, Homer leaves his wife with few complaints. When pressed, however, Marge did once acknowledge to a marriage counselor that Homer “forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays (both religious and secular), chews with his mouth open hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes, blows his nose in towels and puts them back, and scratches himself with his keys.”

Lou Piniella
A devoted Manager, Lou leaves reporters, umpires, and opposing fans with few complaints. When pressed, however, umpires have acknowleged that Lou "has a strong odor of Brut, forgets even the most common slang terms for umpires, spits like a banshee, hangs out in his office with bums and lowlifes, blows his nose on the bases and puts them back, and scratches himself with the lineup card."

Marge Bouvier Simpson
Marge is the putty that just barely holds the Simpson family together week after week. By sensibly drawing the line at such frivolous expenses as an electric garage opener and changes of clothing for her children, Marge manages to stretch Homer’s modest salary to cover the tremendous costs incurred by a family of the new millennium.

Jason Marquis
Marquis is the putty that just barely survives in the Cubs starting rotation week after week. Jason can't even seem to figure out which hand is his strong hand, as he bats lefty while throwing righty. If it were up to him, he'd lead off every game. Marquis was a member of the National Honor Society in High School and has resides in Staten Island, NY in the offseason with his wife, who is responsible for making sure their kids don't look too Jewish.

Bart Simpson
Bart is the most misunderstood Simpson. He is constantly frustrated by the narrow-minded people of Springfield who judge him merely by his thoughts and actions. At heart, he’s just a good kid with a few bad ideas, a couple of really bad ideas and one or two that are still being reviewed by the Springfield district attorney.

Carlos Zambrano
Zambrano is definitely the most misunderstood Cub, and it has nothing to do with his skills with the English language. He is constantly whipping his arms, legs and probably his cock in violent motions, usually after a strike out. He has brawled with his teammates, lashed out at coaches and even the fans, but really he's just a kid at heart trying to throw "da beisbol" as hard as he can on every single pitch.

Maggie Simpson
Over the years, we’ve watched Maggie grow from a cute pacifier-sucking infant into a pacifier-sucking infant who’s said her first word, “Daddy”. This places Maggie just behind Bart and slightly ahead of Homer in vocabulary development.

Kosuke Fukudome
Over the years, the Cubs front office has watched many Japanese players thrive overseas, only to finally pull the trigger on Fukudome, who, by my count, has yet to utter his first English word. This places Kosuke just behind former Cub Sammy Sosa and slightly ahead of Alfonso Soriano in vocabulary development.

Moe Szyslak
Moe Szyslak, a former boxer, is the owner and operator of the local Springfield drinking establishment, a place he inventively named Moe’s Tavern. Moe’s is a place where everybody wants to borrow your money. It’s a place where you can feel at home, if you were raised in a holding tank for drunk drivers. A place where you can drown your sorrows in an overpriced, heady rush of cheap swill.

Kerry Wood
Wood, a former starting pitcher, is the future owner and operator of a Wrigleyville drinking establishment, a place he will inventively name K's Tavern. K's is a place where everyone wants to borrow Wood's money. It's a place where people who never lived up to their potential can feel at home, if you were raised as a Cubs fan. A place where you can drown your sorrows in the player who was overpriced, heady and not even a cheap thrill in his career as a Cub.

Ned Flanders
Ned Flanders is irritatingly optimistic and cheerful. Ned even keeps kosher, “just to be on the safe side.” This contrasts starkly with his upbringing, as Ned’s parents lived like freaky beatniks, without believing in any rules.

Ryan Dempster
Dempster is an irritatingly optimistic ginger bastard who cursed the Cubs this year by predicting that they would win the World Series. Ryan not only goes out with women but also enjoys the company of male dates "just to be on the safe side." This contrasts starkly with his upbringing, as Ryan's parents were actually a gay couple who lived in the country, without believing in sex with a women of any kind.

Barney Gumble
If there’s one thing Barney Gumble loves more than beer, he hasn’t discovered it yet. And not for want of trying. Hard liquor, sterno, cough syrup, turpentine, he’s tried them all. Once, in a fit of desperation, he drank some non-alcoholic champagne, with near-fatal consequences. Barney would kill his own brain for beer.

Aramis Ramirez
If there's one thing Aramis Ramirez loves more than fast food, he hasn't discovered it yet. He tried to give it up, but he just can't stop eating. Wendy's, McDonald's, Steak 'N Shake, Portillos, he's tried them all. Once, in a fit of desperation, he ate five Crave Cases from White Castle, with near-fatal consequences. Aramis would kill his own huge ego for food if he could, but he's usually on deck.

Dr. Nick Riviera, M.D.
Dr. Nick Riviera, M.D. is a quack physician (although he claims to be "just as good as Dr. Hibbert"), and represents doctors who studied at dubious medical schools. Riviera has a medical degree from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College (where he apparently spent much of his time using his ability to acquire prescription drugs to impress a succession of attractive women back in the 1970s).

Larry Rothschild
Rothschild, the Cubs pitching coach since 2001, is a quack physician (although he claims to be "just as good as he was back in Tampa Bay"), and represents a lost art form in baseball: coaching. Rothschild has a pitching degree from the University of How the Fuck Old Are you Anyway College (where he apparently spent much of his time using his ability to mis-diagnose prescriptions to washed up pitchers and up-and-coming talent to impress a succession of General Managers, fans, and women in the early 2000s).

Clancy Wiggum
Clancy Wiggum, the donut-scarfing, graft-accepting Chief of the Springfield Police Department, takes the law into his own hands, often making up his own laws right on the spot, in order to see justice done. Though he prefers to spend his time noshing at Krusty Burger or napping in his own patrol car, when duty calls Wiggum springs into action.

Alan Trammell
Trammell, the newly named bench coach for the Cubs, takes the law into his own hands, often making players do pushups right in the dugout with little to no notice at all. A pretty successful player in his day, Trammell thinks that anyone who doesn't "leg out" a single or stretch a double into a triple, is just "hot-doggin" it. Though he prefers to spend his time watching re-runs of tapes he made from his career or napping with his baserunning whistle still in his mouth, when duty calls Trammell never ceases to make even the most hard-working player look like a "Mary".

As a fitting end to this madness, I thought it would be correct to come up with a song for the 2008-09 Cubs season. As you probably know, the Cubs are now under the ownership of Sam Zell, who as a Simpsons character would be Number One, or the leader of the sacred tradition of the Stonecutters. So I thought up a song that would end every Stonecutter/Cubs ownership meeting and it goes a little someting like this:

Who controls the Wrigley crowd? Who keeps an entire fan base loud? We do! We do!

Who leaves World Series off the maps? Who keeps the bleacher bums under wraps? We do! We do!

Who holds back the Felix Pies? Who makes Ron Santo his Mai Tais? We do! We do!

Who robs the Cub fans of their sight? Who rigs every Bartman night? We do! We do!

Now listen to the original and input my lyrics in the appropriate spots. I think we have a winner with this one.

BallHype: hype it up!

Bold (Not Smart) Predictions For 2008 Sox and Cubs

What?! Actual sports talk on the Bull? Yeah, I know, seems like a foreign concept given the past couple weeks. But to be honest, there's only so much bitching I care to do. While I do enjoy ranting about how I fucking can't stand Juran Uribe, or cry about how shitty the Bulls have been, I don't feel the need to whine all the time.

We've been trying out some different shit (Would You Rather?, other stupid shit such as We're Pissed, just to make us laugh). Some of it has done alright, the other stuff; not so much. Hey, at least we're tryi...on second thought we've been lazy. What can you do?

Moving on, I would expect alot more sports and shit here with baseball just around the corner. You know what's funny when I think about it? Every upcoming season for Chicago sports in the past year has been like a "Thank fucking God it's finally here"...then after a month the same feeling of waiting comes around.

Well, here's to hoping this season provides at least a longer relief. I'm cautiously optimistic with the Sox this year. I don't expect much out of them, and honestly I think sometimes its better to lower expectations so that you're not let down. That said, I think the Sox will be better. How much better? Only time will tell. So let us wait no further as me and Noce unveil our Bold Predictions for the year on the north and south side:


- Jose Contreras will win 15 games. Boy this one is really going to bite me in the ass if I'm wrong. But if I could bet on this Vegas, I guarantee I'd have some good odds with which to bet. Reasons being:

- Contreras has looked good so far in the spring. That doesn't mean jack shit, but from what I've seen and heard, his stuff has looked better. His split-finger fastball has improved and he'll have to believe he's better then what he showed last year.

- All the divorce shit is out the window. I don't have any idea of exactly how going through a divorice would fuck with you, and I hope never have to. But I have to believe it takes quite a toll. When you only have your job to focus on, it should make a difference.

Now, 15 games is as much of a stretch as it would be for me to make Jim Boylan coach of the year, but fuck it, if I'm right, at least I can say I called it.

- Joe Crede will be on the Sox after the trading deadline. But not after the waiver deadline. I don't see Crede doing any better then the slump he's been in once the season starts. What does that mean? The trade value will not be all. Unless Kenny is content with another fucking Iguchi for Michael Dubee-like trade, the Sox are not going to get the offers they'll want. While I would rather have Fields up and playing, Crede had to yo-yo back and forth a couple times before he finally came up and stayed. Disheartening? Yes. But you can't not play Crede at all. Benching him would make him worth complete dick.

AJ Pierzynski and Paul Konerko will not be in Sox uniforms by the deadline.
The talk of the Sox trading Paulie has been going on for quite some time, and I think this is it for him on the South Side. The Sox will realize that Gavin Floyd and John Danks can't get the job done. Therefore, they will trade both for a starter and a prospect. While Toby Hall is not ready, and this is a complete reach for AJ being traded, injuries happen. It's called taking a fucking guess every now and then.

Fukudome will struggle for the first half, and turn in a stellar second half to win Rookie of the Year.
Most of the Japanese players who have come to America in their first year actually do really well. Ichiro hit .350 in 2001 and won the MVP. Hideki Matsui hit .287, 16 HR's and 106 RBI's. Iguchi his .278 with 15 HR's and 71 RBI's. While Fukudome has been projected to be a .280 hitter with 15-20 HR's and 70-80 RBI's, I think he'll have a tough time adjusting right away, especially if he hits an early slump. However, he's shown flashes of what he can do this spring, and I think we'll be talking about him a lot in July and August.

The Cubs will have the division wrapped up on September 4th. I randomly picked the date, but I will say no later then September 10th that Cubs fans can start wasting their money on their back-to-back NL Central Champs shirts. This is the shittiest division in baseball, and the Brewers are their only competition. Outside of Ben Sheets, the Brewers have no pitching. None. Chris Capuano's going have to get a 2nd Tommy John surgery. Jeff Suppan is washed up. This will be the biggest cakewalk in baseball.

Finally, the boldest call of them all: Kerry Wood will only go on the 15 day DL once. If this were to happen, you can fucking guarantee I will trumpet the fact loud. If Wood stays healthy, I'm calling 40+ saves.

Are these predicitons good? Not really, but that's not to say I won't connect on a few. One of my favorite sales sayings goes something like "Picking just one time to advertise is like blindly throwing a dart at a dartboard, you could hit something good, or you could hit nothing at all".

Well, I'm throwing a few darts here, let's hope I get my money's worth. Feel free to make your predictions in the comments section; we'll bring'em back up in a few months to see how were doing.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

In Case You've Been Wondering

I am aware of my absence from the website lately but I've had some long workdays which have encouraged me to retreat back to the world of illicit drugs when it's not between the hours of 9-5. So, until they're all gone I suggest you just enjoy this little video underneath, it should give you a rough general idea of where my head's been at for the last week.

Monday, March 24, 2008

A Quick Explanation on the Pissed Statement

Well, the Cubs starting rotation has been named, with Marquis getting 5th spot, Dempster getting the 3rd, and Lieber heading to bullpen. Even though it's documented with our favorite tag of "Fuck the Cubs" we're not exactly in cahoots with the north side, that's what I would have hoped for as a Cubs fan. I was thinking about posting on it, but after some thought, thats about all there is to besides a besides the usual outrage about how Lieber is sooooo much better (No he is not you fucking crybabies, you have your choice between vanilla and vanilla with sprinkles, it's all the fucking same.) Also, Kerry Wood will be the closer for the next four games until he's shut down for the year.

Instead, I thought you would like to know what
inspired the WE'RE PISSED sentiment. For that, let's roll back the clock to the spring of 2003 on the campus Southern Illinois University Carbondale...

During this time, the faculty was on the brink of a contract strike which would have been cool for no classes for a while, but sucked when I would have to pay for another semester when I didn't have to in the first place. Anyways, there's plenty of protests going on at this time for the University to finally open up the check book.

Me, spending 98% of days completely stoned to the bejesus belt, decided to attend class for some odd reason, most likely being that I:
A: Had nothing to watch on TV for the next hour
B: Had already played Madden 02' for such a disgusting amount of time that felt compelled to do something that made it look like I gave a shit or
C: Said what the hell, I'll go

Anyways, upon returing back to the dorms, or Vertical Africa as we called it, I saw some of the picketers out in front of one of the buildings on the path back to my weed layer/dorm. Nothing special, just some tools and some TA's walking around with some signs...until the greatest sign ever unveiled at a protest was unleashed to my glassy eyes...the sign contained only two words, but perfectly summed up everything one could assume of the situation: WE'RE PISSED.

I fucking fell to the ground laughing for a good 2 minutes. Sheer genius. Plenty had signs with little jabs and barbs, but nothing really hit home like WE'RE PISSED. I still laugh as I write this. And when I told Noce the story, I decided to do a reeanctment here for the weekend. Granted, it is nowhere near as funny it still gave me and Noce a laugh that we posted it.

Speaking of Southern, I'm on my way down there this weekend, so I'm sure I'll have some good stories to share with you which will most likely involve:

- Me getting blacked out drunk telling an 19-year old I make six figures in the hopes to wake up in said Vertical Africa once more;
- Quatro's Pizza, the gem of Carbondale,
- Me contemplating the risk vs. reward of punching someone in the mouth becuase the Jack Daniels is egging me on.

More to follow soon

(PS: For those wondering, that's Eastern Illinois in the background of the picture above...and I would have shot myself in the face if I went there)

Friday, March 21, 2008

Chicago Bull Is On Hiatus Until Monday

Arizona St. 65, Southern Ill. 51

When Life handles you Lemons, make lemonade..and I've been wanting to make lemonade all day...
I'm glad I didn't stay up to watch the game. What a terrible fucking season for a team picked 21st in the preseason polls. A couple of shitty losses factored in with A.J. Graves hitting a 30 footer at the buzzer for a Butler win sent the Salukis on the downward spiral. Fare thee well, Randal Falker. Baseball is just 8 days away...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Leave It To An Australian To...

Auction off his pathetic life. Seriously. Not off his life; auction. Because killing himself obviously makes too much sense.

Hi there, my name is Ian Usher, and I have had enough of my life! I don't want it any more! You can have it if you like!," reads his Web site, which has a link to eBay for bidders.

Usher said his life auction, which starts on June 22, included not only his house, a car, a motorbike, a jet ski and a spa, but also an introduction to "great friends" and a job at a rug shop in Perth for a trial two-week period.

For the low price of $385,000 (as of now, and I dont imagine that budging) you can:

A: Take this 44 year old tool's life;

B: Get his shitty job at some fucking rug shop

C: Meet his polesmoking friends

D: Get a house in Perth, Australia that's already furnished with a car, a motorbike a jet ski and a spa.

Question: How do you own that much shit working at a fucking rug store? Why can't the Arabs take on Australia? Why is this motherfucker getting media attention? Why is it considered statutory when she all she said was wait instead of stop?

These answers all elude me.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Go Check Out JD's Comic Stand-Up Showdown

Quick sidenote, the original JD has put together an awesome comic stand-off between several comics, both new and old. I had heard of Sam Kinison before, including his appearence in Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield. However, I had never heard his stuff until yesterday. Fucking hilarious.

The Postseason Rematch Tonight: SIU vs. Oklahoma St.

Most of you won't give a flying fuck about this rather seeming less 1st round match-up in the NIT tonight. However, this is all about revenge for me. Oklahoma State delivered the knock-out blow to my beloved Salukis 3 years ago almost to this date in the NCAA's 85-77 thanks in part to James "PissOnBoise" Curry. And also to players like Joey Graham and Ivan McFarlin. What are they doing now? Curry's in the NBDL pissing on everything in sight, Joey Graham is working at a 7-11 and McFarlin is addicted to crack. In fact I gave him a dollar on the Michigan Ave. Bridge just the other day to help him get his next fix.

Anyways, if you have nothing to watch tonight, I invite you to watch as the game will be on ESPN2 at 8pm CST. Fuck, what else are you going to watch? The play-in game? Fuck that. WifeSwap? Please.

On a sidenote, I still have not paid Noce his 54 Mexican Pesos I owe him for fucking Purdon't choking on dick. I will never again bet on or root for Purdon't. I also I owe him a pack of Camel lights. The tab continues to grow.

The Season May Very Well Be Over, But...

There is some good news for those of you, who like me actually became interested in the most irrelevent team outside of the Fire. According to the Tribune's Teddy Greenstein, or Teddy KGB as he's known on Mac, Jurko, and Harry;

The playoffs are nearly out of reach for the Blackhawks, but team President John McDonough continues to think big. Big as in 82. McDonough is determined to have all 82 Blackhawks games televised next season.

As many as 25-30 could go on free, non-cable TV. WGN-Ch. 9, which carried Hawks games in the 1960s and early '70s, and WPWR-Ch. 50 are two possible landing spots

It's amazing to think in just 6 months since the Dollar Bill passed, the Blackhawks have gone from the I could give a rat's ass file to hey, did you see the Hawks game last night? mentality here in Chicago. While most people could still give a flying fuck about Hockey here, it's a noticable difference in how the buzz has been created. Notes Greenstein;

"Ticket sales {are up} 45 percent over last season and page views on up 67 percent."

I honestly think Rocky Wirtz deserves some sort of award. First, he hired John McDonough. Then he went straight to Comcast to get some games on TV. Now, it certainly helped that the 'Hawks have played fairly well this year, but if the Chicago Fire or Sky went on a 12 game winning streak I've be just as excited as an got an extra chicken nugget in my 5-piece from Wendy's. Actually, I would be more excited for the nugget now that I think about it.

Anyways, it's nice to see (literally) that there will be something to look forward to when the Bulls start their shitty circus trip to finish 2-9 during that period this upcoming November. Even with baseball starting up less then two weeks away, I'll be very excited to see if the Hawks can add some vets as well as cut loose Martin "I'm huge pussy" Havlat.

And if the Sox start can guarantee some more Hawks shit here...that and Uribe verbal bashing.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Bet: Purdon't vs. Illinois

As Noce nervously watched the shitty graphics on show a round headed, rhombus-shaped Chester Frazier make a lay-up with 4 seconds left followed by a Penn St. miss, he of course was jubilant.

As he stood up shaking his fist while no one else gave a rat's ass in the office, I wanted to bring him back down to earth by reminding him that Purdon't is probably going to kick the Illini's ass tomorrow. His response? "They're not as good as everyone thinks they are".

With his kool-aid cup in hand, I began to hear the opening to Money by Pink Floyd with all those cash registers going off. As the Roger Waters bass line kicked in, I immediately struck back with:

Dr. C: Alright then put your money where your mouth is.

Noce: How much?

Dr. C: 54 Mexican Pesos

Noce: 5 dollars it many points are you going to give me

Dr. C: 3 points

Noce: That's it?

Dr. C: If you're so confident you should have no problem taking it

(Shakes my hand while I laugh in the back of my mind)

So there you have it. Tip-off tonight is 5:30 only on the Big Ten Network. It's the face-off between two former SIU head coaches, both of whom I had the privilege of covering in college.

Usually I don't really care for Purdon't because there's nothing I can really find to like about it. Seriously, what does Purdue have to offer other then ugly broads and an Engineering degree? Nothing. But that all changes tonight as I cheer for the Black and Gold.

My final score prediction: 78-71 Purdue

Noce's final score prediction: 67-63 Illinois

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Why Do We Need Another Benson??

Is anyone actually optimistic about the idea of adding Chris Brown? I was on the Tribune's sports section when I read on Vaughn McClure semi-blog that the Bears are currently kicking the tires on the former Naperville North standout after they talked with him last year.

At that time, Brown decided to re-up with the Titans for 1.8 million. Although he only got 102 carries thanks to LenDale "Get in my belly" White, he still managed 462 yards and 5 TD's. His best year was 2004 when he broke the 1,000 yard barrier and had a ypg of 4.9, which is amazing compared Benson's 3.4.

It's fucking stunning to me that Benson only managed 674 yards. Fuck is he awful.

The point is this: Brown and Benson offer similar running styles. Does anybody else see how Brown fits in? If the Bears do sign Brown, it will obviously signal this: No Rashard Mendenhall. And if you ask me, that's fine. Do I want Mendenhall wearing an orange C on his helmet? Fuck and yes. However, Mendenhall will not be worth the pick if he has no one to run behind. Let me repeat that. He's fucked without a decent line.

I was listening to The Score recently when Zach the Ginger Zaidman was on, and he has a feeling the Bears will wait to pick up some more Roberto Garza types that get waived later in the offseason. I don't know about you, but when I hear Roberto Garza, I get echoes of awesomeness penalty flags in my head. Why do we need another fucking washed up fatass falling over? Do really need to call Stan Thomas back?

I'm really hoping the Bears can pull someone like Ryan Clady or Sam Baker. Someone who will fucking maul Aaron Kampman for years to come. As much as the Bears need offensive weapons, they need to cover the terrorist's ass so he can make some passes to a shitty receiving corp.

The second round is where I think they might go receiver or another O-line depending on their draft board.

So I ask you this: What do you think is the most valuable need at this point?

Their fucking offense is going to blow either way, I think.

BallHype: hype it up!

Check Out Who Eliot Spitzer Was Banging For a Pretty Penny

So we used to throw out links every friday, more for the fact of laziness then actually getting anybody "real" traffic, but I was on Busted Coverage when I saw they uncoved who that hooker "Kristen" was that Spitzer was banging. Damn. Money well spent, sir.

Quick side note, I'll have a post up in a little bit, so check back soon.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Documentary on the 08' Cubs Season Titled "We Believe?"

I Believe I want to Hurl.

How many more lame ass slogans have to be thrown out before the start of every Cubs season? Where does it end? How did last year's "It's gonna happen!" turn out? The only thing happened was a first round sweep by a feast or famine team who became a bunch of skinnys from Black Hawk Down thanks in part to the D'Backs.

As Cubdom would douchingly have it, the preseason hype gone from ridiculous to worse:

A documentary on the '08 Cubs with the working title "We Believe" has begun production, and the Oscar buzz is unmistakable. According to Mark DeRosa, all the Cubs need is to write a happy ending, like, say, end the 100-year drought.

Producer/Director John Scheinfeld whose most recent documentary was "The U.S. vs. John Lennon" approached Cubs management last year to gauge interest in a project about the franchise and it's relationship to Chicago

Umm..Didn't I just recently see some dumb fucking documentary voiced by Dennis Farina entitled Wait Til' Next Year on HBO? Yup. Same focus. Same everything.

The Cubs won the World Series in 1908. They went to World Series seven more times thereafter and lost. Then came the Billy Goat in 45'. They haven't been to the World Series since. The collapse of 69'. Steve Garvey. Steve Bartman. Mark Prior/Kerry Wood. All punches to Cubdom's collective groin.

Boo Fucking Hoo. The broken record of sorrow is getting to the point that I almost want them to win. Note the emphasis on almost. It would be nice just to be done with all this never-ending bitching. But that wouldn't be the little on engine on the North Side who couldn't after all these years. And if they did win, it would just switch the bitching to bragging of "Who just won a title, bitch! High Fucking Five, Bro!"

Call it my south side bias, or whatever other bullshit you want. I call it a marriage between Sox fans and Cubs fans. We can't stand your fans for all the crying you do, and you can't stand us because according to you, we're second-rate trash. However, we stay in our little relationship despite all the name calling, fighting and douchebaggery because of the city. But I'll be damned if I'm sleeping in the same bed with you my nagging, blue-bleeding wife. Til' Death do us part, and Til' next year you can continue to wait.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

311 Day Continued - Is that...Shaq?

As I'm sitting at work counting down the minutes until I can get the fudge outta here, I decide to watch some more 311 videos, in the spirit of the day and all. So I click on You Wouldn't Believe and begin to listen to the song, not watching the video.

All of a sudden like halfway through I hear basketballs dribbling and I'm like "WTF?" so I click back on it and...check it out.

Shaq? What the hell is he doing in a 311 video, besides picking up the band members and tossing them around as if they were little rag dolls? Is this what 311 meant by You Woudln't Believe? As in, you'll never figure out how we got Shaq to appear in a video?

I wonder how the two crossed paths. Did they have the same marijuana hookup back then? Or was Shaq really a fan of their music?

I'm gonna go noodle with this one...

BallHype: hype it up!

Happy 311 Day

That's right folks, today is 3/11, which means it's officially 311 Day. I'm kinda upset it took me until 12:30 to realize this, but what are you gonna do? Also, the fact that it took a fax from our finance department displaying the date to make me realize that today was even 3/11 made it all the more funny, because I'm sure that's what the band had in mind when they conceived the idea for 311 Day.

If you're still reading and clueless to what 311 Day means, it's got a lot to do with the band called 311. In fact, it pretty much has everything to do with them because they created the fucking concept.

Right now they are rocking it out in New Orleans all day long while I'm stuck at my office wishing I was at home "celebrating" with a bong and day of couching.

Bye the way, why the fuck must everything be held there now? How long does it take for their economy to be "boosted" by all the shit that goes on there?

Oh yea, I already went to college.

Now before you go all "Do you know how I know you're gay?" on me for promoting 311, kiss my ass ok, I happen to enjoy their music. While they do have some gay songs (All Mixed Up, Love Song, I'll Be Here a While), they are a great live show and have plenty of hard-rocking jams, my favorite being either Omaha Stylee or You Wouldn't Believe.

In a tribute to the song that first gave the band some attention, here's a video of Do You Right off their uber-creative 1993 CD titled "Music". I watched the video and decided to do a little breakdown of the highligts, ala My Brain Says Rage, but this time not with gay country music.

Hey check it out, MTV didn't suck quite yet, and actually still played music!

The beginning of the video appears to be set in the Midwest, maybe in Nebraska, which is where the original band members are from. Eventually they moved out to L.A., because who the fuck is going to make it famous saying they're from Nebraska?

:19 - These two look like a gayer version of Jay and Silent Bob, sort of a Ray and Mexican Rob. Bonus points for the Starter jacket though.

:21 - Oh, we're in California now! That was quick. Let's look at the ocean like a bunch of Daniel Larussos.

:31 - Snapping ≠ dancing. Neither does bouncing or pretending to surf while bouncing.

:35-1:07 - Why so shirtless? Seriously, why?

1:10 - What the fuck? A Green Bay Packers hat and a L.A. Kings jacket? In the jungle? I guess you need to be high to understand. And more "surf dancing"?

1:12 - Stop touching the monkeys

2:18 - From "surf dancing" to the "pretend handshake" dance. I can't decide which one is worse. All this while Mexican Pablo dances in the background with his back to the camera.

2:40 - I'm beginning to question whether this song was written for a girl or a dude, so much man chest going on here.

2:46 - 'We're freestylin'

2:56 - Ok, now everyone in the band has officially been shirtless at one point in this video. So gay. I wonder who's the bread and who's the meat in the band? Wait...yea I still wonder.

3:35 - And they end with some more "surf dancing"

After careful consideration, I've concluded that the song is 10000 times better than the video. But cut them some slack, in 1993 they were still trying to find their niche in the rock world.

Either way, I still like them and will gladly take on criticism from people who think they're "too cool" to enjoy their music.

Happy 311 Day ya bastards.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Weekend Metallica

Okay, this is definitely MBSR's staple, but after watching this live video, the only thought that crosses my mind: Fuck and yes.

PS: Not sure if you caught this, but Metallica is headlining Bonnaroo June 13th this year. Noce is already looking into tickets. I can't see how they would mesh with all the hippies. To quote South Park, "Give us some more tunesssss"

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Witness LeBron Bend Bulls Over

Yup. Looks like a classic Boylan lineup in action.

Tonight is the night that Bulls fans have been waiting for since Ben Wallace was shipped to Cleveland in the deadline trade a few weeks ago. I'd look up exactly when the date was but I'm just not that motivated right now to do anything when it comes to the Bulls. Ok, it was February 21st, are you happy now? Unlike Dr. C who has totally given up, I have still been watching these assholes every game and it's been quite a struggle.

I'm expecting there to be more boos tonight than when the Bulls losing in the Kobe sweepstakes. The first chorus of boos will undoubtedly be directed toward "The Body" as he is introduced in the Cavs starting lineup.

From then on out all the heckling and jeers will most likely be at the Bulls as they allow LeBron to go wherever he wants on the court and completely dominate them all night. I'm also predicting the following to happen:

  • Kirk Hinrich will commit a bad foul on a breakaway and allow the player (most likely James) to score and go for the 3-point play.
  • Ben Gordon will dribble unconsciously into a double team with his head down and either throw it away or chuck up some garbage that has no chance of going in.

  • Jim Boylan will continue to amaze viewers, this time on a National stage, with awful lineup after awful lineup. Look for some amazing "defensive" lineups that include a front court of Andres Nocioni and Drew Gooden. Also, Boylan loves to go to the 3-guard lineup but it's a shame Thabo is out because that totally ruins Jim's buzz.

  • Tyrus Thomas will be lambasted by Bill Walton for being a "bad character guy" and a "dumb young guy" even though Walton probably will find out what happened minutes before the broadcast.

    This will be brought up numerous times throughout the game, pretty much anytime LeBron gets wide open for a big dunk or makes a defender look bad.

  • The Cavs will overcome a double-digit deficit in the second half, most likely due to LeBron taking over the game, and the Bulls will either lose in regulation or in overtime if they're lucky.

  • Scott Skiles will turn the channel to the game during a commercial break from Lost just as Hinrich pulls his mouthguard out after committing that bad foul on a soon-to-be 3-point play and crack a half smile, making it the closest thing to a laugh in his entire life.

I will be running home from work tonight to catch this game and I expect to be half in the bag right around the 3rd quarter's end, when the score is going to be about 67-60 Bulls.

The only consolation to the mess that will be the Bulls game tonight is an actual competition between two teams with chemistry and equal athletic ability that follows the Bulls game. No, I'm not talking about Kenny vs. Spenny, but that's a damn good show. I'm looking forward to the Rockets vs. Maverick's game tonight, even if the Mavs are without Dirk.

For anyone expecting to watch this game tonight: I suggest you start drinking heavily. Is it baseball season yet?

BallHype: hype it up!

Uh-Oh...Lou's Getting Pissed Already

As of today, we're currently 25 days away and counting for the start of the Cubs 2008 season, but already the cantankerous Cubs manager is getting sick of losing after the Cubs blew a 4-1 lead in the eighth inning to lose 5-4 yesterday and drop to 2-5 in spring training...

"I'm getting tired of losing ballgames, even in spring training. I don't like the idea of our pitching staff getting hit around, whether it's spring training of playing tiddly winks"

Are you kidding, Lou? You've got 25 games left in March if you include two split-squad games left, and you're already bitching? These games are about as meaningful as a Sunday morning Hallmark movie on WE. Probably even less important then a 1st quarter of a NBA regular season game in November. No one likes to lose, but you've really got to put things in perspective, here. Are Ed Campusano and Tim Lahey going to figure in to bullpen plans anytime soon? Obviously before their shitty performances probably not, but now your decision is even easier then it was already.

You should be dwelling on the positives here, Lou. Zambrano pitched 3 innings of one hit ball while striking out 3. Hill also pitched 3 innings, only allowing 1 earned run. Fukudome's looking good. Hell, even Dempster hasn't looked bad in his starting role thus far. With the exception of minor injuries to Soriano (broken finger) and Ramirez, (sore shoulder) your team is healthy and you're in a shitty division which should be yours for the taking.

While Mully and Hanley brought up a good point I heard on 670 the Score about not assuming their going to just take the division by storm (Bears and Bulls this year), the truth is their division is weaker then their fellow city sports companions.

Someone needs to get Lou an Aquafina, quick:

While Lou's done a good job with his plate throwing, hat and dirt kicking antics, he's going to have to step his game up if he ever wants to top the greatest meltdown on the North Side:

BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Baby Steps For The Hawks...The Bulls Won Too? I Could Care Less

Despite a much needed 4-2 win last night over the Minnesota Wild-ly fucking ugly jerseys, the Predators won 5-1 over Edmonton, so the 'Hawks remain 6 points out of the final playoff spot. However, there were a lot of good things to draw on from last nights game.

- Patty Lalime was a champ in goal last night, stopping 28 shots.

- The Pentalty Kill shutout the 9th best Power Play team in the NHL, with great play from all the defensemen including Duncan Keith who scored a go ahead goal in the 2nd off of a midair rebound which was ruled legal.

- Dustin Byfuglien scored the game winner and continues to be in my opinion the second half offensive MVP, with Patrick Sharp coming in second.

On the other hand, I'm not sure so sure about Andrew Ladd thus far. There was one instance where he was back checking Pavol Demitra, and for no reason just stopped. So basically, it looks like we traded Tuomo Ruutu...for Tuomo Ruutu. Hopefully Savvy will chew his ass out and get him going.

The Hawks are back on again tonight on Comcast as they host Ducks...join me in commiting to the Indian.

In other news, The Bulls beat a shittier team then them. Hooray. Call me when you make some noise.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Jay Glazer Better Not Be Toying With My Emotions Here...

So I was on the Big Lead when I saw in huge letters: BREAKING: FAVRE SET TO RETIRE

Please, lord; let this be true.

I have had enough of that gunslinging, painkiller swilling son of a bitch.
But Noce also brought up something to consider;

How excited do you think Aaron Rodgers is right now?

I gotta admit I have a lotta respect for the guy; He's always been a class act.

But finally, the Favre Supremacy is over.