A post about a TV show that once captivated an entire demographic of children for more than a decade infused with a Major League Baseball team that has tortured its fan base for over 100 years.
I give you, the 2008-09 Cubs, as Simpsons characters. If anyone is wondering, I got the character descriptions from the Simpsons home page.
Joseph Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald Fitzhenry "Joe" Quimby, a.k.a. "Diamond Joe" Quimby, or simply Mayor Quimby is the mayor of Springfield. Quimby has long served as the Democratic mayor of the fictional city of Springfield. He appears as a slick, opportunistic politician whose chief priorities seem to be keeping himself in office, womanizing, and various forms of corruption.
He is known to be a womanizer, and to occasionally amuse himself with pornographic playing cards during town meetings. Quimby was once the subject of 27 separate paternity suits; a result, no doubt, of his frequent womanizing.
Jim Hendry, a.k.a "Jim Spendry" , or simply a heart attack waiting to happen, is the General Manager of the Cubs. Hendry has long served as the signer of checks for the fictional dream that is a Cubs World Series Title. He appears as a savvy, opportunistic General Manager with an open checkbook for the latest thrill. Hendry's chief priorities seem to be spending a shit-ton of other people's money, keeping himself and his job alive, excersizing, and various forms of awkward smiling.
Homer J. Simpson
A devoted husband, Homer leaves his wife with few complaints. When pressed, however, Marge did once acknowledge to a marriage counselor that Homer “forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays (both religious and secular), chews with his mouth open hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes, blows his nose in towels and puts them back, and scratches himself with his keys.”
A devoted Manager, Lou leaves reporters, umpires, and opposing fans with few complaints. When pressed, however, umpires have acknowleged that Lou "has a strong odor of Brut, forgets even the most common slang terms for umpires, spits like a banshee, hangs out in his office with bums and lowlifes, blows his nose on the bases and puts them back, and scratches himself with the lineup card."
Marge Bouvier Simpson
Marge is the putty that just barely holds the Simpson family together week after week. By sensibly drawing the line at such frivolous expenses as an electric garage opener and changes of clothing for her children, Marge manages to stretch Homer’s modest salary to cover the tremendous costs incurred by a family of the new millennium.
Marquis is the putty that just barely survives in the Cubs starting rotation week after week. Jason can't even seem to figure out which hand is his strong hand, as he bats lefty while throwing righty. If it were up to him, he'd lead off every game. Marquis was a member of the National Honor Society in High School and has resides in Staten Island, NY in the offseason with his wife, who is responsible for making sure their kids don't look too Jewish.
Bart is the most misunderstood Simpson. He is constantly frustrated by the narrow-minded people of Springfield who judge him merely by his thoughts and actions. At heart, he’s just a good kid with a few bad ideas, a couple of really bad ideas and one or two that are still being reviewed by the Springfield district attorney.
Zambrano is definitely the most misunderstood Cub, and it has nothing to do with his skills with the English language. He is constantly whipping his arms, legs and probably his cock in violent motions, usually after a strike out. He has brawled with his teammates, lashed out at coaches and even the fans, but really he's just a kid at heart trying to throw "da beisbol" as hard as he can on every single pitch.
Over the years, we’ve watched Maggie grow from a cute pacifier-sucking infant into a pacifier-sucking infant who’s said her first word, “Daddy”. This places Maggie just behind Bart and slightly ahead of Homer in vocabulary development.
Over the years, the Cubs front office has watched many Japanese players thrive overseas, only to finally pull the trigger on Fukudome, who, by my count, has yet to utter his first English word. This places Kosuke just behind former Cub Sammy Sosa and slightly ahead of Alfonso Soriano in vocabulary development.
Moe Szyslak, a former boxer, is the owner and operator of the local Springfield drinking establishment, a place he inventively named Moe’s Tavern. Moe’s is a place where everybody wants to borrow your money. It’s a place where you can feel at home, if you were raised in a holding tank for drunk drivers. A place where you can drown your sorrows in an overpriced, heady rush of cheap swill.
Wood, a former starting pitcher, is the future owner and operator of a Wrigleyville drinking establishment, a place he will inventively name K's Tavern. K's is a place where everyone wants to borrow Wood's money. It's a place where people who never lived up to their potential can feel at home, if you were raised as a Cubs fan. A place where you can drown your sorrows in the player who was overpriced, heady and not even a cheap thrill in his career as a Cub.
Ned Flanders is irritatingly optimistic and cheerful. Ned even keeps kosher, “just to be on the safe side.” This contrasts starkly with his upbringing, as Ned’s parents lived like freaky beatniks, without believing in any rules.
Dempster is an irritatingly optimistic ginger bastard who cursed the Cubs this year by predicting that they would win the World Series. Ryan not only goes out with women but also enjoys the company of male dates "just to be on the safe side." This contrasts starkly with his upbringing, as Ryan's parents were actually a gay couple who lived in the country, without believing in sex with a women of any kind.
If there’s one thing Barney Gumble loves more than beer, he hasn’t discovered it yet. And not for want of trying. Hard liquor, sterno, cough syrup, turpentine, he’s tried them all. Once, in a fit of desperation, he drank some non-alcoholic champagne, with near-fatal consequences. Barney would kill his own brain for beer.
If there's one thing Aramis Ramirez loves more than fast food, he hasn't discovered it yet. He tried to give it up, but he just can't stop eating. Wendy's, McDonald's, Steak 'N Shake, Portillos, he's tried them all. Once, in a fit of desperation, he ate five Crave Cases from White Castle, with near-fatal consequences. Aramis would kill his own huge ego for food if he could, but he's usually on deck.
Dr. Nick Riviera, M.D.
Dr. Nick Riviera, M.D. is a quack physician (although he claims to be "just as good as Dr. Hibbert"), and represents doctors who studied at dubious medical schools. Riviera has a medical degree from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College (where he apparently spent much of his time using his ability to acquire prescription drugs to impress a succession of attractive women back in the 1970s).
Rothschild, the Cubs pitching coach since 2001, is a quack physician (although he claims to be "just as good as he was back in Tampa Bay"), and represents a lost art form in baseball: coaching. Rothschild has a pitching degree from the University of How the Fuck Old Are you Anyway College (where he apparently spent much of his time using his ability to mis-diagnose prescriptions to washed up pitchers and up-and-coming talent to impress a succession of General Managers, fans, and women in the early 2000s).
Clancy Wiggum, the donut-scarfing, graft-accepting Chief of the Springfield Police Department, takes the law into his own hands, often making up his own laws right on the spot, in order to see justice done. Though he prefers to spend his time noshing at Krusty Burger or napping in his own patrol car, when duty calls Wiggum springs into action.
Trammell, the newly named bench coach for the Cubs, takes the law into his own hands, often making players do pushups right in the dugout with little to no notice at all. A pretty successful player in his day, Trammell thinks that anyone who doesn't "leg out" a single or stretch a double into a triple, is just "hot-doggin" it. Though he prefers to spend his time watching re-runs of tapes he made from his career or napping with his baserunning whistle still in his mouth, when duty calls Trammell never ceases to make even the most hard-working player look like a "Mary".
As a fitting end to this madness, I thought it would be correct to come up with a song for the 2008-09 Cubs season. As you probably know, the Cubs are now under the ownership of Sam Zell, who as a Simpsons character would be Number One, or the leader of the sacred tradition of the Stonecutters. So I thought up a song that would end every Stonecutter/Cubs ownership meeting and it goes a little someting like this:
Who controls the Wrigley crowd? Who keeps an entire fan base loud? We do! We do!
Who leaves World Series off the maps? Who keeps the bleacher bums under wraps? We do! We do!
Who holds back the Felix Pies? Who makes Ron Santo his Mai Tais? We do! We do!
Who robs the Cub fans of their sight? Who rigs every Bartman night? We do! We do!
Now listen to the original and input my lyrics in the appropriate spots. I think we have a winner with this one.