Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Letter from Aaron Gray to Chicagoans

What do you do when your team has failed to fulfill nearly every expectation it set for itself? You have rookie center Aaron Gray write a letter. And not just a letter about the team's awful season, because that would just be a reminder of how disappointing the Bulls have been this year. No, we were treated to his entire life story.

In a letter sent out to Bulls ticketholders this morning, Gray spoke about everything from growing up in Pittsburgh to being selected by the Bulls and even about how he bought his mom a Louis Vuitton purse for Christmas.

"I didn't start playing basketball until the 9th grade (I was more of a football and baseball guy), and my career got off to a little bit of a rough start. In a preseason game my junior year, I hammered home an alley-oop and shattered the glass and broke the backboard. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital with 70 stitches in my face and a shattered ankle."

Good story Aaron. Please, tell it again! Who do you think you are, Shaq? This little anecdote really takes my mind off the fact the Bulls are about 10 wins shy of where they should be this season. Remember those 50-win projections? Yea, so do I. It gets better.

"Joe Smith and Ben Wallace have had such a huge influence on me during my rookie season, particularly with the mental approach to the game. Those guys are such great leaders and are so positive."

It was at this point that I knew that the letter had to have been written by a Public Relations official from the Bulls. If Aaron is really taking mental lessons from Ben Wallace he might as well start growing his dreadlocks now, because that is probably the LAST person I'd want Gray to be trying to emulate. I can understand Joe Smith because he's at least a solid character guy, but not Wallace.

What could he possibly be teaching him? How to get paid $60 million to record 5 rebounds a night and go 1-10 from the free throw line? Or is it how to quit on not one, but two coaches in one season. Wallace must have learned that one from his buddy Rasheed, the master of mental fuckups.

Last but not least, Gray flashes the metrosexual side and admits to buying a Louis Vuitton purse. No, it wasn't for him. It was for his mommy. Then he admits to being a simpleton who enjoys bowling and Texas Hold'Em. If Aaron wasn't 7-feet-tall I could totally see him as a High School gym teacher no problem.

The last paragraph is cute, but it's again complete bullshit.

"Finally, I just want to say thank you for being such great fans and being so supportive. I can tell you that every guy on this team cares a lot about each other and we're all committed to winning. We want to make you all proud.

Take care and I'll see you at the UC soon."

I'll believe that "care about each other and committed to winning" when players stop faking injuries and acting like fucking babies. A "sprained wrist" causing Ben Gordon to miss three straight is about the gayest thing I've heard since Militia growled on American Gladiators.

This season is officially fucked. I learned that Tuesday night as I watched Viktor Khryapa provide more offense ability than Luol Deng has all season. Rather than writing fucking letters and worrying about individual egos, these assholes need to grow some balls and start playing the intense, physical basketball that made them such a good team for the last two years. Then, and only then, will they begin to win some games.
BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Sitting On A Train for 3 Hours Instead of 40 Minutes Absolutely Sucks...

Quick Note: The first hit takes place at :14 seconds on the left, if you want, you can jump ahead to the :42 second mark to see the guy in the jacket's reaction when realizes train 2 is coming in for the kill

Alright, now that I've found the video above, let me paint the picture for you: So normal Monday night, I get to Union Station at 5:30 for the 5:45 express home. There's only two stops; Naperville and Route 59. I'm sitting on one of those side bench seats which sucks because you have little to no room. There's a woman my age sitting on my left, and no one to my right, which was nice. This gives me a little buffer zone, and the same for the girl on my right. Well, were about 10-15 minutes into the ride when we come to a complete halt. I figure it's nothing big, it happens every now and then. 5 minutes goes by. 10 minutes goes by. Finally, the conductor comes on over the speaker: "As some of you may have heard, a car has been struck by two trains in Hinsdale. We have no idea beyond that much at this point. If there was a fatality involved we could be here awhile". Wow, this is going to blow I'm thinking to myself. So it's been about 25 minutes overall since leaving the station, when this fat fucking foreigner comes and plops himself into the tiny bench seat next me, claiming most anything that I could call my own space. He smells like onions. Then he opens his mouth:

HE IS VIGGO!!!! Remember Dr. Janosz Poha from Ghostbusters 2? I personally didn't remember the character's name, but I do remember that annoying fucking voice. That's what he sounded like. Come to think of it, he kinda looked like the guy too, adding on a deuce and a half. This motherfucker had the most annoying ringtone to go along with it, sounding like some medieval snake charming shit. A: It was loud B: Every time the phone rang (at least a dozen times in less in then an hour and a half) he would act like he just got hit with a fucking cattle rod. I wish I had one at that point, then we'd see how starling it really was.

Anyways, I'm normally supposed to get to my stop at 6:25. I got home instead at 9:10. Boy was I salty. I ended up chit-chatting with the girl next to me; she was nice, about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Anyways, about the dude who pulled the stunt in the Youtube above: He's some 72 year old polock (NO, YOU GOTTA BE JOKING RIGHT?!) who was wasted. He got his car stuck, but luckily for him somebody came up to his SUV and got him out before the ole Grim Reaper came calling. The best was reading through this article yesterday and taking a look at the comments...

"Bob from Aurora: It's Darwinism, let him die next time" read my mind.

A YouTube Day Eh?

My partner in blogging and usually in drinking, Dr. C has posted a YouTube clip today featuring a band that's name is quite punctual since Valentine's Day is coming up. I think that's about the only compliment I can give them because I listened to about half of the song and realized that these kids were probably the fags who acted hardcore and tough Friday-Sunday while Monday-Friday they were training to become Eagle Scouts and watching Anime.

I'm not trying to one-up my buddy's band preferences because we usually share the same opinions on music but I really can't get into the modern MTV version of metal. It just sounds a little to contrived for my tastes. I rarely listen to new bands because I just assume that they all sucks nowadays.

Anyway, here's a clip that I thought would do nicely. I love Steve Vai and this song makes frequent appearances on my ipod. Not to mention I think this might be the inspiration for Blue Man Group. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from TV. "Tobias: Oh, no, no. I’m not in the group yet. No, I’m afraid I just blue myself."

Enjoy Steve Vai jerks. Watch for the crazy solo around 4:30 and lots and lots of amazingly creepy faces from Vai, who fucking rocks this song.

Sorry, I'm Lazy Today

There's nothing I really feel like posting about. I couldn't agree more with Fornelli at Foul Balls that I won't be missing Johan Santana. Even with him gone, I doubt that will equate to much for the Sox this season. On the other hand, I don't want to go into the season already writing them off; I'll wait til the end of May to do that. Anyways, I leave you with Scream, Aim, Fire from Bullet For My Valentine. If you haven't heard them before, check'em out. I enjoy the triplets on the main riff.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bulls/Timberwolves - Tickets Still Available!

Who would have thought that two teams with a combined record of 25-61 would fail to fill a stadium with fans? Forget the fact that there are 11 teams who currently have more than 25 wins on their own, who wouldn't want to show up and watch the exciting matchups that are going to be on display tonight? I mean, look at the starting lineups that these two storied teams are throwing out there tonight:

Probable Bulls Starters
Guard 12 Kirk Hinrich 6-3 | 190
Guard 2 Thabo Sefolosha 6-7 | 215
Forward 5 Andr├ęs Nocioni 6-5 | 225
Forward 32 Joe Smith 6-10 | 225
Center 3 Ben Wallace 6-9 | 240

Probable Timberwolves Starters
Guard 3 Sebastian Telfair 6-0 | 175
Guard 55 Marko Jaric 6-7 | 224
Forward 1 Rashad McCants 6-4 | 210
Forward 8 Ryan Gomes 6-7 | 250
Center 25 Al Jefferson 6-10 | 265

I won't go into detail about the Bulls "starters" because it's so much easier to go after the crap the T-Wolves are throwing out there these days.

Holy fuck...Sebastian Telfair AND Marko Jaric? I think I just shat my pants with excitement. I mean, who hasn't seen 'Through the Fire'? Personally, I thought that director Jonathan Hock failed to capture the true nature of what really was pushing Sebastian Telfair to skip college and enter the NBA Draft.

Everyone knows it was obviously not the money, fame, or limitless endorsements.

Sebastian is simply too good for the likes of college basketball and was clearly ready to make the jump to the NBA, where he has really had a chance to show his seemingly limitless talent on the highest level.

Is everyone picking up what I'm laying down so far? It's called sarcasm people. I think it was invented by Norm McDonald. Note to self: Sebastian Telfair is as good at basketball as I am at sex.

The only player that I actually like, and by like I mean absolutely love is Al Jefferson. His 21 and 12 would do wonders on the Bulls that only Tyrus Thomas can dream of while getting another fucking tribal tattoo. I really wanted the Bulls to go after him when Boston was shopping him last year but NO, who needs a 6'10 forward who's only 23 and can score with his back to the basket? Why would anyone want him when we can send out Thomas or Ben Wallce, surely they can score. Jesus Christ sometimes I wonder if John Paxson's horribly gay middle name prevents him from sacking up and making a goddamn trade.

Oh, and let's not forget Rashard McCants, who is a neverending reminder of the tragic end to an otherwise magical 2004-05 Illinois season. I hope McCants calls up Sean May on the way to the game tonight and they both end up like ex-Bull Jay Williams. Actually, make that a 3-way conversation between those two and the fucking ref from the National Championship game. You fucked us right in the ass buddy, I hope whatever they paid you was worth it.

Final score: Bulls: 89 Timberwolves: 83 Me: drunk before halftime.
BallHype: hype it up!

It's Now or Never For The 'Hawks

As we head to the second half of the NHL season, I've decided to focus more of my attention on the Blackhawks instead of the Bulls until they make some sort of trade. I honestly cannot stand watching the Bulls at this point. Nothing they do warrants my attention. Call it being a fair-weather fan if you want, but I would rather watch a 3 hour documentary on the history of bridge building for all I give a fuck. I have a feeling you can count on Noce to handle your Bulls thoughts; so with that in mind, let's take a look at the highs and lows of the season thus far.

EMERGENCE OF KANE AND TOEWS: The 07' number one pick and the 06' number three pick have been an awesome combination to watch thus far despite Toews having been out the past few weeks with a knee injury. Despite the injury, Toews is still third among all rookies with 32 points, while Kane leads with 45. While Kane only has 12 goals, he has 33 assists, which puts him 15th in the league overall. Kane has shown a great ability to set up his teammates, with guys like Bobby Lang and Patrick Sharp benefitting. The goals will catch up as he gets older, but he's shown instant impact on a team that struggles to score at times. The Hawks will need Toews to get healthy soon to contribute.

THE OFFENSIVE DEFENSEMEN: Brent Seabrook, Brent Sopel, Duncan Keith and Dustin Byfuglien have been playing great on the opponents side of the ice, contributing 69 points, which is 12 more then the combo of Tuomo Ruutu, Jason Williams, Marty LaPointe and Rene Bourque. It's pretty sad to consider that lack of offense from your forwards, considering Ruutu was a former first round pick in 01'. While LaPointe is slowing down, and Bourque missed 14 games due to a broken thumb, Ruutu was billed to be alot more then he has shown. Marty Havlat needs to stay healthy and Ruutu needs to pick it up. The kids can't do it by themselves.

STAGNANT OFFENSE: The Blackhawks were 19-15-3 heading into this month before going 0-6-1 to start January. They currently sit at 23-23-4, which puts them 6 points out of the final spot for the playoffs. The reason for their slump this month is their inability to consistently score. During that 7 game streak, the Hawks scored only 12 goals. Now on the year, they rank 17th in Goals scored per game. However, in 5 on 4 situations, they're 27th. In 5 on 5, they're ranked 23rd. Not having Toews and Havlat have hurt, but they need more production from their forwards to carry them forward if they are to make the postseason this year.

THE 'BULIN WALL IS BROKE: Talk about a waste of money. The guy is 25th in the wins, 29th in GAA (2.77) and 36th in Save PCT. (90%). While Patrick Lalime's Save PCT isn't much better (90.8%), in my opinion he's been slightly more consistent. Yeah it sucks that the goalies aren't getting much goal support, but they know they need to keep the score low if they are to win, and cannot have games like the 9-2 ass-kicking from a worse L.A. Kings team.

LOOKING AHEAD: The schedule doesn't start off nicely for the Hawks, as they start on a seven game road trip with every team having a better record then them (which isn't hard when you're in last place of your division). In fact, they only play 3 home games in the entire month of February. Savvy's called out his team to "commit to the Indian". In reality, they should be commiting to the offense. It's obvious they're not going to get steady play from Khabibulin; so it will be on them to win games instead of holding on to them. It should be interesting to watch.

This team is about a year or two from being serious contenders, but it sure as hell beats watching a lifeless Bulls team.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, January 25, 2008

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

That's right, kids! It's that time of the week where we delve into the depths of the 'Leader' to expose the people who:
A: Post the dumbest thoughts/ideas known to the sports world.
B: Are the reason why most of the Arab world would like us dead.
C: Make me sad I breathe the same air as they do.

Yes, it's those zany ESPN Members. While we've been putting gentlemen in their place, it's time to spread equal rights to the women as well. You wanted Suffrage? You got it. Equal pay? Not quite there yet. A chance to be equal to men? Well, in terms of how much you blow, then yes. Without further adieu, I present you with a woman who certainly knows her way around the T.G.I. Friday's bar scene: ZELYNDA.

My first impressions of Zelynda are:

A: The ideal spokeswoman for American Spirit Cigarettes;
B: Still yearns for a Sexual Encounter with a certain Latino Wrestler despite his death.
C: Is considering Plastic Surgery

Zelynda enjoys a wide variety of sports; ranging from Shooting to Equestrianism Is that even a fucking word? To Zelynda, that answer is an obvious yes! However, one of the sports is something I'm not familiar with: Ultimate. Ultimate what, you dumb bitch? Ultimate Frisbee? Ultimate Tampax Relays? Please inform, I'm lost.

In terms of teams, Zelynda is no one horse team, if you know what I mean. Miami, Oakland, Denver, Baltimore, and Washington, not to mention Ohio State (you would) and Louisiana. One can draw many conclusions from this, but I'll take a stab at the NFL teams.

Miami: She still has a restraining order from Dan Marino after she sent him Isotoner gloves filled with KY Jelly suggesting he slip it in her soon.
Oakland: Was once raped by a biker gang. Got mad when none of the boys called her a week later
Denver: She was the woman Cal saw in 40-year old virgin during the horse show in Tijuana.
San Diego, Baltimore, Washington: Cities she's seen Bon Jovi in, barred from Washington D.C. for Bestiality.

The next time you're Reno, stop by the craps table to find Zelynda, as she works in a Casino. Ok timeout. Would you place your bets with this cumdumpster? Yeah, neither would I. She probably sneaks chips in the bookshelf of a vag of hers.

In closing, Zelynda parts with these words: I believe the best tool to use when measuring your success in life is your own yard stick!

Zelynda, do us a favor and keep your yardstick in your pants, you groupie-fucking, horsecock craving, too many fucking NFL teams to list, chip stealing Cunt.

PS LeeAnn Womack Sucks...bitch.
BallHype: hype it up!

John Paxson is...

I'm not sure what the reason is, but it seems that John MacBeth Paxson (yes, that's really his middle name) has a really hard time pulling the trigger and making a trade. Pax just loves to covet his "core" group of young talented players and is always hesitant to package them up for a proven NBA star.

Since Pax relieved Jerry Krause of his General Manager duties in April of 2003, he's made only two trades.
Right after being named the GM, Pax traded then-leading scorer Jalen Rose for Antonio Davis, in a trade that didn't work out so well.

Davis was probably the last real low-post player the Bulls have had but he only averaged 8.6 points in 126 games during his two-season stint with the Bulls. This may be the very reason why Paxson is so hesitant to trade away a leading scorer (Ben Gordon) for an older low-post player.

The second trade that Paxson made was in 2005, when he shipped Eddy Curry and Davis to the Knicks for Michael Sweetney and Tim Thomas, plus the Knicks' 1st Round Pick in 2006 and the right to swap picks in 2007. This was a pretty good deal, even though Paxson essentially told Thomas he never wanted to see him in a Bulls uniform and paid him to stay home.

The Bulls were able to use the Knicks' picks to draft Tyrus Thomas, Thabo Sefalosha and eventually Joakim Noah. So far Noah looks to be the most promising out of those three players, but it's hard to tell because of his limited playing time this year. He's a younger, bigger and more capable scorer than Ben Wallace and has the energy and passion that Wallace seems to have left in Detroit.

If you compare what Paxson has done with a team like the Phoenix Suns, who named former Bull and Pax teammate Steve Kerr as their GM prior to this season, the Suns have been far more active in the trade market than the Bulls.

The Suns, under multiple GM's have made blockbuster deals in the past in order to reconstruct the team they currently have, which is very successful in the difficult Western Conference. Their biggest deal in the last five years was shipping Stephon Marbury, Penny Hardaway and Cezary Trybanski to the Knicks for Charlie Ward, Antonio McDyess, Maciej Lampe, draft rights to Milos Vujanic, a 1st round pick in 2004 and an additional 1st round pick.

The Suns made a bunch of trades with the picks they received from the Knicks, including trading Luol Deng to Chicago for Jackson Vroman and a future 1st round pick. They also traded Quentin Richardson and rights to Nate Robinson for Kurt Thomas in 2005.

While both teams have made the playoffs consistently in the last few seasons, it seems that the Suns are in far better shape with their core players than the Bulls. Both teams have also endured countless trade rumors involving their key players. The Suns have long been upset with Shawn Marion and he has demanded trades for what seems like every season since 2005. Amare Stoudamire has also been a name circulated among the trade rumors as well. Same thing goes for the Bulls, who have seen almost every single current player involved in some sort of trade scenario in an effort to bring a low-post threat back.

But is that what the Bulls really need? Would sacrificing Ben Gordon, Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thomas and/or Ben Wallace/Joakim Noah for pick one: Pau Gasol, Jermaine O'Neal, Al Jefferson, or Stoudamire really make the Bulls that much better? I'm not so sure it would. The only player out of those mentioned that I believe would do well for the Bulls is Stoudamire. So here's the only trade scenario I'm going to offer because it's the only one I can honestly see working out.

Luol Deng, Tyrus Thomas and Ben Wallace to Phoenix for Stoudamire, Boris Diaw and D.J Strawberry.

Granted, Deng is injured but he isn't suffering from anything that's not supposed to be hurting after the trade deadline. The Suns have always coveted Deng, he'd mix in well with their run-and-gun style offense. Diaw and the Suns have soured because of the addition of Grant Hill, and with Hill returning from an appendectomy, Diaw will likely return to his bench roles. He'd be a welcome fit in Chicago, as would Stoudamire and his low-post skills.

Wallace's salary is high right now but remember, Paxson front-loaded a lot of the money, using most of the $16.7 million in cap space the Bulls had at the time. His salary is going to go down by about $2 million each year for the next two years, making it feasible for the Suns. And it's not like they have to worry about him on offense on that team, all he'd be responsible for would be rebounds and defense, which is what he did so well in Detroit. The hidden prize in this deal is Strawberry, who at 6'5 is a nice sized shooting guard that has great upside. He would add a lot of height to the Bulls backcourt, which could feature a 2nd team of Sefolosha and Strawberry or a combination of Hinrich, Gordon and either of the two younger guards.

Nobody knows what Paxson will do before this year's trade deadline except Pax himself. If history helps to prove anything, my guess is he'll do nothing and sit on what's left of this season. He'd be a fool to do so, and the fans would hate him for it. They're already showing signs of mutiny around the United Center and any more Wallace fits would only put Paxson's job that much more in jeopardy.

Go ahead Pax. Make my day. Pull the trigger.

BallHype: hype it up!

This Confirms Why I'm Afraid To Have Children...

Like most people in life, there comes a day in which you will want to pass on your seeds and have children. I'd like to have two kids, three at the very most in the next oh, say 10 years. I'm in no rush at this point, and after reading this story, it confirms what I fear most for my potential offspring: My kid becoming a complete fucking goon like these two carnival barkers to the right.

I've been listening to metal since I was 7 years old, (Enter Sandman and Symphony of Destruction thank you very much) but at no point during any of this time, even in my adolescense as an angry teen did I dye my hair black, paint my fingernails black, or took part in any of that bullshit (Hopefully chain wallets don't fall under this category...sigh.) If my kid even thought about buying black lipstick I would make him or her eat it, and finish it off with a big glass of shut your fucking your mouth; you're going to play sports and like it.

According to Reuters, a 19-year old English broad was kicked off the bus for wearing a leash held by her 25-year old boyfriend. Apparently this girl considers herself a "human pet". When she was going to the get on the bus, the bus driver told her "we don't let freaks and dogs on like you" (THERE YOU GO, DON'T TAKE THEIR GUFF!) After complaining to the bus company, they told her she's more then welcome to use the bus as long as she takes off the chain when she gets on.

"I am a pet," she told the Daily Mail. "I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone."

I beg to differ. Your parents didn't get divoriced for nothing. Your father doesn't beat off to Anime porn because of you at all. You definitely didn't cause your mother a four-Percocet-a-morning regimen because of you. I pray for our nation's youth, and more importantly, my own. Please Lord, spare my children.

BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Stick a fork in 'em

See that picture? Wondering who it is? I'll give you a hint, it's not Heath Ledger. It's the 2007-2008 Season for the Chicago Bulls, figuratively that is. The team that was everyone's favorite to not only win the Central Division, but the entire Eastern Conference is officially buttfucked now that Luol Deng is apparently going to be 'shelfed' for a 'significant amount of time'.

I wonder what is hurting Luol more, his achilles or his ego? This is a very McGrady-like move and not one I would expect from a player who had been all about the good of the team until this season. Maybe you should have taken the $57.5 MILLION that the Bulls were offering before the season started, Luol.

It's obvious to anyone who has watched him play this year that his mind has not been focused on basketball. Against the Grizzlies on Monday, Deng played his worst to date; taking bad, off-balanced shots on offense and falling asleep on defense. Where's the potential All Star that was supposed to come into his own this year and help lead this team?

And don't even start blaming this all on Scott Skiles. All he did was take a team that was 4-12 after 16 games in 2003-2004 and turn them into a 47-win team in 2004-2005. Skiles did the best with what he had to work with.

I'm sure he had plenty of low-post plays that would have worked very well but who's going to fucking execute them? Aaron Gray? Gray may be a suprise talent but lets face it, he's too slow to get back on defense and is not nearly what LaMarcus Aldridge could have been for the Bulls. I think it's safe to say the Tyrus Thomas experiment is a bust. Again, he's a good young talent, but beyond dunks and the occasional block, what good is he?

I'm sick of looking at the lineup the Bulls have on the court and immediately counting out two players because they possess zero offensive skills. That's exactly what happens when Ben Wallace and Thabo Sephalosha are out there. You just cannot count on them to score. Thabo has shown signs that he can put the ball in the hoop, but he is prone to turnovers and that just doesn't help when you have Ben Gordon chucking up shit from anywhere he can't get blocked and Kirk Hinrich looking to dribble like he's on a fucking AndOne Mix tape.

And why is it that Hinrich hasn't figured out that Ben Wallace can't do shit when given the ball? He's the only one who still consistently passes to Wallace, and it's not even when he has an open shot. Anyone who give the ball to Wallace when he is further than three feet from the hoop should be benched. If they run out of people, bring someone in from the fucking stands who can figure out that he is a complete fucking idiot on offense and should never be passed to.

Fuck this season. Fuck John Paxson and his "eye for talent". Fuck Ben Wallace for taking a huge shit on this season. Fuck Kirk Hinrich. Fuck everyone but Andres Nocioni and Joe Smith - they're the only two players this year who have shown up and earned the money they have been paid. So help me God, if Paxson fucking trades Noce, I will take a shit on the United Center. I'll bend down, spread my cheeks, and drop a turd on the fucking sidewalk.

It was all supposed to be so good this year. Now there's nothing left to do but watch these assholes and become even more angry.

BallHype: hype it up!

Holy Fucking Shit - Heath Ledger's Death is THAT serious?

So Heath Ledger is dead. Nobody knows exactly how he died, so far it's been reported as an overdose on pills, a suicide, even an Ashley-Kate related coke binge. All I know is, when you're relying on news updates from TMZ, you've officially crossed the line between human and douche.

You are the consumer that feeds on stupid stories like this, combined with well-placed ads for Verizon, HP and the Bravo! Newtork.

Your life has officially become meaningless because you would rather live vicariously through people who cannot even manage to live their own lives, lives that are free from the problems that most 9-5 working people face.

Anyway, I digress. I can't believe I'm even posting about this retarded topic since it has nothing to do with sports or specifically Chicago sports, but I love to make a well-timed joke every now and then and this is really funny.

These crazy people who claim to be "religious" are going to be picketing Ledger's funeral because of his role in 'Brokeback Mountain'. In the letter that they have sent out to fellow members of the "Westboro Baptist Church," they state that "God hates fags!" and "God hates Fag-Enablers!" I've never actually seen the movie myself but wow, who are these people that belong to this Church and seriously how drunk are they at all times?

I'd like to visit their hilariously-titled website "" but I'm at work and I'm pretty sure that by going to that site, I'd really put my job in jeopardy. I'm sure it has a lot of well-founded, thought out arguments that make a lot of sense and attribute their findings to people that have years and years of experience in their particular fields of expertise.

What I really mean is, I'm sure these fucking psycho hicks are taking every ambiguous and out of context passage from the Bible (which brings a whole other argument of validity but not for this post) and twisting it to fit into their fucked up version of reality.

People like these should be put into a room with fucking al-Qaeda members eating fucking sand and punching babies while watching Fox News because they're bascially doing the same thing to their respective religions.

I didn't know that one asshole's overdose on cocaine could spur such fucking stupidity among people who otherwise could probably spend their entire day in a drunken, wife-beating haze.

This is all still your fault Ben Wallace, I blame everything on you. See, even I can succumb to blind hatred every once and a while.

You Got What You Didn't Pay For

Some people are cheaper than others when it comes to certain things. We've all heard about Lions receiver Roy Williams not tipping the Pizza man when he comes knocking at the door. We all have someone in our families like Uncle Frank from Home Alone:

"Traveler's checks"...what a piece of shit. Anyways, you can file this one right at the top of the tightass ranks. According to the Chicago Tribune, a 61-year old woman was found in her Michigan City, IN home dead. She was found underneath her covers with a hat on and several layers of clothing...because she refused to turn the fucking heat on. Talk about fucking pathetic. Deputy Coroner Mark Huffman said Stella Chambers died as a result of hypothermia from exposure to the bitter cold inside the home. Some of the windows inside the residence were iced over, and the water in the toilet was frozen solid, police said.

We've got 45,000 Africans dying a month in the Congo, and in America we get one dumb old penny-pinching bitch who wanted to save her 20 dollars a month to go buy more tubes of Fixodent. HOW GOOD IS ALL THE MONEY YOU SAVED NOW, GRANDMA?! Dummy.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

World Events That Would Have Changed Because of Metallica

So I'm on my normal walk to work this morning which generally only takes me about 20-25 minutes. As I'm about halfway there, I decide to go with Ride The Lightning, and I start listening to Fight Fire With Fire. Well, I usually think of some dumb inner monologue to me keep entertained; be it making fun of stupid people around me, or pondering things in the hypotheical. That's when it hit me. William Wallace would have sacked England if he had Metallica to listen to. Think about that. Try to tell me that Motherfucker wouldn't have gone even more ballistic if he had Battery repeating in his head. Fuck saving Robert the Bruce, he cut his fucking head screaming I'm Creeping Deathhhhhhh-ahhhhh! With that in mind, I'm going to look at some historical battles that would have been alot different with Lars beating the shit of the snare.

Yes, Custard was outnumbered roughly 200 to anywhere from 900 to 1,800 Injuns. Yes, the Injuns had some rifles with them that were actually better then the slow pieces of shit they were using. However, I'm sure Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull would have changed their Peyote-laced minds when they had the "blistering of Earth" attack from Custard. Let's assume they had some PCP too. PCP + BLACKENED = THE MOST UNSTOPABLE FORCE SINCE IZZY MANDELBAUM

The 3 month war was a brief, intense conflict that effectively ended Spain's worldwide empire and gained the United States several new possessions in the Caribbean and the Pacific. Motorbreath is a brief, intense 3 minutes and a great song. Actually nothing really changes, the US still wins, it just gets to enjoy a kick-ass song about 85 years early.

Although the Zulu's outnumbered the British 40k to about 14k, they were decimated because machine guns > spears. With a little Damage Inc. at least they would have killed 80 brits instead like 10. I'm just saying...

What else you got? Leave your thoughts..I might think of some more, but this is a good start for now!

Friday, January 18, 2008

A Look At ESPN Member Douchebags

Thanks to Trunk over at My Brain Says Rage, we were linked by Awful Announcing today. I don't want to know what he had to do to get our little two-man operation linked with the likes of AA, but hey, we'll take it when we can get it.

Which brings us to the reason for why we're here in the first place: ESPN Members. They're a funny bunch. I'm so happy that ESPN decided to allow comments on its page because it has given us the chance to dig up every lower-middle class Ford owner that has just enough credit left to put a Compaq Presario on 36-month layaway so they can voice their retarded opinion to the masses.

I shouldn't lump every commenter into the 'King of the Hill' category, there are commenters who represent just about every archetype you can think of. It's just that the hillbillies usually provide just enough material so we can completely rip their identity apart in about 1000 words. Anything over that would obviously have to be written by Bill Simmons and therefore biased to the fucking shithole of the world and commented on by ESPN members and, well, you get the point.

Let's go to today's tale of the tape, brought to you by the American Academy of Facial and Reconstructive Plastic Surgery, because they are the only fucking people I could think of that could possibly help this poor bastard we're about to show you.

Today's Heavyweight contender comes in at approximately 6'1, depending on the type of velcro shoes he decided to wear today, and probably somewhere in the ballpark of 245 pounds.

I give you... Michael Messerly.

As you can see this picture was taken on the greatest day of Michael Messerly's ginger life. Unless that is the best photoshop ever, this douche has gotten closer to Erin Andrews than most of us can say, and that almost makes me want to punch myself in the dick right now.

If you questioned my assumption that this was, in fact, this ginger's proudest moment, look no further than his "Greatest Sports Moment". He knows he probably won't ever touch another attractive girl, at least not one that isn't bound and gagged with his Sponge Bob underwear.

Right up there with fondling EA, Mike has listed Miami's baseball and football titles in 2001 as his greatest sports moment. For the sake of fucking skin cancer alone, I hope this kid has never stepped foot in the state of Florida.

If he has, nothing short of an act of god can save him because the sun would tear into his thin, cancer-welcoming skin with as much brute force as Militia in his debut video with COLT Studios.

Looking at this kid's profile and seeing that he's from Nebraska gives me yet another reason to never visit that state. Chalk it right up there with Arkansas and Texas as places I'd rather not go. I really think I'd rather go to Africa and take my chances with the fucking militias (hopefully they haven't done gay porn) there than endure anything more than a rest stop in those states.

Now for the icing on the cake with good ole' Michael Messerly. He wants to be the William Hung of Nebraska. Yes, you read that correctly. This fucking degenerate ginger bastard wants to voluntarily be the butt of a joke.

He wants to be famous, but not famous like normal people would want to be. He wants to be "William Hung famous". That's even worse than "Pauly Shore famous" and almost as bad as being "Phil Spector famous".

I think the only thing that this kid has to look forward to is a new lotion that is immune to chafing because jerking off is the only thing I see in his future. It must be pretty bad when you're actually uglier than the guy from Red Dragon.

Sorry "michaelmesserly" - you're not even creative enough to think of a fucking ESPN Member name? Jesus Christ, you really do suck at being a person.

JamesOn Curry, Not A Fan of Boise, Idaho

Ah, Boise. The City of Trees. German settlers came here in the 1820's, and named it Boise; which of course in German means a Whale's vagina. While Boise is a city on the up and up ((Hottest cities for entrepreneurs (midsize cities): # 9, 2007)), there is a certain Bulls second round draft pick who displayed his displeasure with the capital of Idaho by pissing on it last night.

The Chicago Tribune is reporting that JamesOn Curry was arrested at 2:25am early Thursday morning after urinating in public and resisting arrest. Curry is no stranger to bars (both behind them and in them); in 2004 he was arrested for selling Marijuana to an undercover cop while at Oklahoma State (nice one, dipshit).

According to the police report, JamesOn apparently thought they were playing freeze tag as he tried to escape into the hotel while being chased, and if he made it back in he'd be in the "safe zone". (again, nice one, dipshit).

From a personal standpoint, I've never liked him after he torched my beloved Salukis in the second round of the 2005 NCAA tournament. It's kinda funny that I was really pissed off after the game; now James"PissedOnBoise" Curry is now getting his. Karma, my friends, karma.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I found a funnier blog than MBSR

As all of our 10 readers probably know, we really enjoy the work that is done over at My Brain Says Rage. Their crude, usually offensive humor is a bright spot each day for me, and believe me, I need it.

Working in the print news industry has been rough lately. It's actually been about as rough as the sores that surely formed around Militia's ass after his first go at buttsex in his former career.

See, without MBSR, I wouldn't have been able to make such a hilarious comparison to sores and Militia and gay sex all in one sentence. I consider myself a student of their teachings, an apprentice if you will. But I think I might have stumbled upon a funnier blog than MBSR, and it's in no way a knock on them, it's just that this new site is completely fucking ridiculous.

It's called I Hate Horses.

This website is so out there, it's almost scary how weird the people probably are who started the site. Like, I would probably rather run naked through Boystown before having to meet these fucking wackos.

At first I thought this was a joke and just a huge farce, but as I read more and more, I began to fully grasp the true hatred these fuckers have for any and every equine. $10 says the guy who started the site used to get raped by his dad everynight during Mr. Ed. I just don't think anyone else could have such a deep-rooted hatred for anything unless they were raped as a child. (See: David Berkowitz)

This is an exerpt from their home page, where they describe their site's "mission statement" and philosophy:

"Look, this is a website about horses and how much we hate them. They are gross and stupid and disgusting and smell like shit. There are flies all over them and they make dumb noises. HORSES ARE TERRIBLE!!!

I am shaking right now because I hate horses so much. I hate them the way that fat people hate diets, the way that lazy people hate work, the way that Jewish people hate Hitler, the way black people hate white people. I REALLY HATE THEM!!"

If you really need confirmation that these guys are fucking crazy, scroll down to the bottom of the home page and see where they've simply written "I HATE THEM" over and over for about 50 lines.

It's pretty fucking scary. Almost as scary as an NAACP meeting. Now I only say this site is funnier because of its sheer shock value. MBSR does have quite the amount of shock value in their own right. (See: Aids-letes, Jerking Off In Bed, and their ever-popular We Are Awful But You Are Worse.

So I hate to say it, but today Horse Haters beats out MBSR for hilarity. Sure they haven't posted anything since 2005, but humor like this never dies, it only gets forgotten until some asshole's frat brother sends an email to your work account titled "Horse Fucker". I guess he could have thought of worse things for the title. I will always remain loyal to my first crush, but this is one of those one-time flings that make you realize what you could be getting on the side.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Welcome Back Lieber

The Cubs signed 37 year-old righty Jon Lieber to a one-year $3.5 million dollar contract today, because apparently Jon wants to be able to afford to buy another huge ass truck someday soon.

Lieber last pitched for the Flubs from 1999-2002, and was 20-6 with a 3.80 ERA in 2001, somehow finishing fourth in the National League Cy Young voting that year. He compiled a 48-36 record in 121 starts for Chicago, which pretty much makes him the most reliable Cub pitcher in the last 10 years.

Cub general manager/heart attack death waiting to happen Jim Hendry had this to say about the acquisition, "We're trying to get as much volume as we can, depth-wise, in the rotation to make it more competitive in camp. We're trying to accumulate as many quality pitchers as we can. We think he adds a lot still to our club."

The addition of Lieber to the potential starter list that includes Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Rich Hill, Jason Marquis, Ryan Dempster, Sean Marshall, Sean Gallagher and Kevin Hart should make Cubs fans pretty bonerific, but remember, it's the Cubs we're talking about here. They could fuck up the chances of nailing even the drunkest of sorority sluts.

I think I like the black Kevin Hart better (not really but you get the idea) but according to Hendry, the "Great White Hart" can pitch. Personally, I don't trust anyone who comes from Maryland.

I still say the Cubs' rotation is mediocre at best. Beyond Zambrano, who is prone to being a complete fucking idiot at times, only Ted Lilly really looks like a consistent productive starter. Jason Marquis likes to throw BP-like pitches and Sean Marshall can serve up the efice with the best of 'em. It's a good thing you have all those bats to put up runs for those lame arms.

Who's A Bigger Wreck? Britney or The Bulls?

You know things are getting bad in Chicago when I seriously ponder this question right now. Fresh off of their 102-88 ass whooping from Orlando, the following is obvious:

1. Jim Boylan is no different than Nikita Khrushchev to this point.
2. Ben Wallace is worse than Cade McNown, Dickey Simpkins, and Jesus Pena rolled into one. (Pena was a Sox reliver in 99')
3. Time to start thinking up trades and paying more attention to College Basketball prospects (I smell some foreshadowing here).

Well, since there's nothing positive to say about the 2007-08 Bulls, let's go to a tale of the tape to see who sucks more right now:

Britney VS. Bulls
Biggest Weakness:
BRIT: Taco Bell, costs $5 per trip
BULLS: Wears #3, costs $15,000,000 per year

Lowest Point:
BRIT: Losing custody of her kids because she didn't show up to court
BULLS: Now, until they lose their next game.

Support System:
BRIT: Family who she shuns, Sam Lufti
BULLS: Jim Boylan who the players shun, Pete Myers

BRIT: Several in her head
BULLS: Several on the team

Ability to turn it around this year?:
BRIT: Not a chance in hell

Next Year, maybe?:
BRIT: Doubtful
BULLS: With Wallace under contract, also doubtful

VERDICT: They're both equally bad, but Brit Brit is probably the Winner/Loser for the fact she can't trade any of the personalities in head while the Bulls will be able to do so after 2009 with Wallace's contract finally done. It's sad how many parallels one can draw from this list above. Let's hope something happens soon.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

My Submission For The Contest Over at Luol's Dong..

You will find this picture either funny or disturbing...I say a little of both. This took me all of 10 minutes to put together, so help out the guys at Luol's Dong. Make something better then my kindergarten prowess on MS Paint.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Rock Of Love Season 2 First Episode

I would have to say Rock of Love is one of few shows I'll actually watch. Some other sites such as the Big Lead champions Friday Night Lights, but I'm never watching tv on Friday nights unless I'm at a bar, which I can't hear anyways. Anywho, Here's a look at the broads. I thought about describing all of them, but fuck it. Were only one show in and we only got to see a little bit of them. To be honest, I dont think alot of these girls are hot. Meagan is, Kristy Joe is. There's a chick in the back right corner of picture that looks good, but I'm not sure what her name is. Outside of that, I'll give them a C-.

Destiney (Immediate left of Brett): A bisexual with an annoying laugh. She's hot, I'd give her an 8.5 on a scale of 1-10. I see her making it half through the show before Brett tosses her.

Daisy (left of Destiney) Nice body, fucked up face. Or in other words, Samantha with confidence and without gap teeth. She'll make it to the last 5.

Meagan(standing behind Destiney): I think she's the best looking one of the group. I would be willing to bet she's in the top 3 at the end if not two.

Kristy Joe (2nd row, right next to Brett) Definitely hot, but the fuck is up with her germophobe shit? I would find that annoying after having to deal with for a while. The clips show her getting pissed off later on so she'll be in for a while.

Angelique (below, looks like Madonna with a dick circa 1990 on PCP): Easily the dumbest fuckbag of them all. She's seems like she's batshit crazy. Nice tits, terrible face. She'll be gone pretty fast.

Catherine (would you like some more Manwich for your Sloppy Joes?)I can't believe he chose her to stay. She's disgusting. Someone should mop the floors with Cousin It's hair.

Quick Note

I'm not sure what Noce is up to since is he out sick today from work, but I won't be able to post until this afternoon, but you can be sure I'll be relaying my thoughts from last night's first episode or Rock of Love 2 (I can't believe he picked that ugly ass old broad..) Stay tuned

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags

I was going to hold off until Monday to post our newest clown from the ESPN members page, but after I saw MBSR giving us a vote of confidence for this segment, I figured now is as good as time as any. So without further adieu, I present to you a man who most likely has paid for sex on more then one occasion, BIGZEKE55:

On my first impression, Big Zeke likes his cars like his women; fast and smooth. Which is kinda funny considering the last broad he blew his load in was large and rough. Judging from his helmet, Zeke fancies himself to do at least one of the following in his lifetime:

- Pillage the entire state of Maine on Phenobarbital
- Follow Willie Nelson around the US...oh wait..that's already been checked off
- Kill an Arab
- Plant his "seed" in a nice looking bitch

Moving on to Zeke's teams he backs, which is roughly the entire Southwest. To be honest with you, I don't really have a problem with all the teams he backs, the motherfucker decides wherever he may roam. However, I do find it funny he's a fan of Golf. Could imagine him out there swinging a fucking table leg at a rock?

The best part of this other then Zeke's picture is easily his occupation: President of FLOORZ AND FICILICARE. How'd you like to work for BIGZEKE55? FINISH THIS FUCKING PROJECT OR I WILL BREAK ALL OF YOUR LEGZ AND FEED THEM TO MY UNBORN SON!!!! Yikes. Nothing screams sophistication like a Viking helmet at a business proposal. FURTHER MORE GENTLEMEN, ON TOP OF COMPLETION OF YOUR PROJECT I WILL RAPE YOUR COMPETITION'S CATTLE TO WEAKEN THEIR MORALE..DEAL?

From the words of Zeke, it would appear he would have been fighting for the Confederacy back in the day:

"I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my moma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like ***** gang-bangers."

Something tells me I totally didn't see that one coming at all..In parting, Zeke's gives us his motto for life that his hero Maximus imparted for his troops before they fucked up those Barbarians:

"If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!

Brothers, what we do in life... echoes in eternity."

To the state of Maine, take cover. BIGZEKE55 just finished his meds.

Friday Shenanigans

I cannot wait for the prequel to this movie that's coming out in 2010. If it's anything like the original, it'll be totally worth the wait.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

A new record time for racist accusations on ESPN!

In a stunning event of extreme douchebaggery, someone was accused of racism in the ESPN Comments today after only 1 post!

The commenter, "stevemahalick", obviously an intelligent man, voiced his opinion about the $100,000 bounty on Willingham's head is "rediculous" (nice spelling cockbag) and "obviously racist". It's amazing how one comment about race can turn a debate about a coach's talent level to an analysis about 200 years of history that has nothing to do with anything remotely to the original story.

I hate to say I told you so, but I never thought I'd be able to explain my point in such a clear and hilarious example this quickly. Scroll down and enjoy reading some of these assholes' comments, I promise you it will make you feel better about your own lives.

Comments (1-18)
KansasJoeHawks (1 minute ago) Why can't someone just be bad at their job? "It's because of his race", "It because of money", bla bla bla. Heads up people, money runs the world, and winning=$ no matter what level. Lets take some responsibility for our own actions.

NJPlayer79 (1 minute ago) Well said Stan - I can't comment on the race card with the UW situation, but it DEFINITELY applied at Notre Dame...That's serious.

ryan425353 (1 minute ago) The guy probably is a racist, even if not he is going to be viewed as one. Mosty likely some inhospitable old fart who knows noting about the current state of college football. This guy was good enough for Notre Dame and then was fired before the year he would've had his best team so Charlie WEis could come in and embarass ND. I mean UW is not USC, who does this guy want? Pete Carroll? Seems more like he would settle for any white coach over Willingham. $100,000 is not that much for a major university anyway. Big deal, 3 full boats paid for a year. They have to give this Ty some time.

NJPlayer79 (3 minutes ago) Because slawson, if he does that then he doesn't get the weightlifting room named after him :)

Stan the Afghan (3 minutes ago) BVpanther, the race card should have been out the moment Willingham was fired at ND! The race card should have been thrown again after Weiss wasn't fired after this season! Willingham is the closest big time college football has come to Tony Dungy (pre-Sylvester Croom). Willingham's goal is to win a championship, but his primary goal is to develop young men into exceptional citizens. I'd take a dismal record on the field and a superb record of student athlete citizenship any day. The guys that Willingham brings into the program are far less likely to break into your house or steal your CD player out of your car than the ones that would, generally speaking, boost your on-field winning. How can you fault that?

slawson79 (3 minutes ago) Ok why not just give money to the place that gave you the ability to have the funds to donate 100K in the first place. Im sure your life is dependent on the out come of football.... Why dont you do the right thing and give a schlorship to law students who are deserving but cant afford it.

NJPlayer79 (5 minutes ago) The other thing is that take race out of it, the whole "booster" system is out of control in college football. Why should a Lawyer who graduated in 1966 have ANY say in what happens in the football program?

Extramice (5 minutes ago) Previous to 1 season before Willingham's arrival at Washington, the UW had 30 straight non-losing seasons averaging 8-9 wins a year. Keith Gilbertson went 1-10, since then Tyrone Willingham has come in and finished 10th, 9th, and 10th in the Pac-10. In the previous 30 years, Washington finished out of the top 3 in the Pac-10 maybe 5 times. This kind of thing has nothing to do with Ty as a person and everything to do with his inability to produce a winner at the UW.

NJPlayer79 (6 minutes ago)bvpanther - I hate when the race card is played, but you know what, Willingham was on a much shorter leash because of his race. Look at what Weis did this past year...And he's coming back?

jangelish (6 minutes ago) is the ad african american?

disme33 (6 minutes ago) Ty does everything perfect Sunday- Friday.. On Saturdays its another thing. He still lives off his legacy from Stanford.. but when he was at Stanford USC wasn't even a fraction of what it is today. The Pac 10 is much stronger now than it was when old Ty was at Stanford...

tjb_vb (7 minutes ago) bvpanther - Are you kidding me??? It has to be race!!! It cant be his record at ND or his record at Wash!!!! It obviously cant be his recruiting ability or his overall record at Stanford either!!

jman_89 (8 minutes ago)Maybe if he WON FOOTBALL GAMES he wouldn't be so disliked...a .499 career record is pathetic.

RedSoxseason2001 (10 minutes ago) The sad thing is you'll probably read something on here in a week saying "Tyrone Willingham fired from Washington" and they'll make up some bogus story to get rid of him and not pay him anything. NCAA Football breads corruption within these schools. It's pathetic...

icm310 (10 minutes ago) I've never seen a nice guy like Willingham get hated on so hard by so many people in college sports. Its' ridiculous..

bvpanther (10 minutes ago) Two posts and the race card is out. Nice. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, the dismal record was the motivation.

stevemahalick (12 minutes ago) absolutely rediculous...this guy must be a racist or something.

NJPlayer79 (12 minutes ago) This is why college football sucks - people that have no idea about the sport get what they want based on money. The pushed Willingham out at ND too, and that's worked out REALLY well...

A Look at Some ESPN Member Douchebags

Welcome to another installment of our ongoing series "Looking at Some ESPN Member Douchebags". I'm sure a lot of you have read ESPN and looked at the comments and wondered where the hell most of these people come from. The answer is Arkansas. Today's douche is by far the biggest I have ever found while reading ESPN comments, and it only makes sense that I found him while reading an article about hockey. Everyone, meet "Qtuz0FF". "Qtuz0FF", meet everybody.

I'll give you a second to take in what you've just seen. Ready? Good.

I can't even think of where to begin to make fun of this guy, so I'll start with the fact that you're one of those fucks that thinks wearing those "Affliction" shirt makes you look like a badass. These people also usually fall into the category of people who think they're a good fighter because they order every UFC fight.

I love watching UFC fights, don't get me wrong. I just don't think that watching fights translates into making me a better fighter, that's like saying watching porn would make me better at having sex. If that really were the case, not only would I know how to escape a choke hold, I'd also be able to have sex for longer than 45 seconds while sober. Everyone has dreams right?

Anyway, I'm assuming that everyone in Arkansas that likes the NHL and the Boston Red Sox is forced to wear a mask. I made a mental picture of what you look like under that mask and came up with something like the picture below to the right, which also helps to explain why he's wearing a mask. What, too soon?

This guy also apparently picked his favorite schools/teams while wearing this mask because I can't think of more of a clusterfuck of teams than the ones he has chose to support. It looks like Qtuz0FF has jumped with both of his faggy legs right onto the Boston bandwagon, as it appears he is a fan of the Patriots, Celtics and the Red Sox (puking in my mouth).

To contrast with his Boston preference, he also is a fan of the Nuggets and the Mavericks, two teams in the same conference, as well as an ecletic variety of NHL teams that bear no apparent correlation to any form of geography I've ever understood. Did you just throw darts at a map and pick teams from random to like?

Oh, I almost forgot about the joke this guy has in his little "quote box" above his picture, which looks like was taken next to a 3rd grade classroom. Looks like the Chuck Norris jokes are just starting to flow into the Arkansas pipeline, took you fuckers long enough. Those were funny like a year ago right? Hey, at least they're not still on Bill Brasky.

So to "Qtux0FF", thank you for being such a humongous douche and thank you also to ESPN for being the cum that holds all the douches together. There's so many more jokes that I want to make (Raphael/Cory Feldman, the fact you're a "Java Developer", Formula 1 Racing) but I do have a job that pays me money for my services. Until next time.

Hey Honey...ummm...How's Work Going?

You can always count on some great stories from Reuter's Oddly Enough page. In today's "Are you fucking serious?" news, a Polish man went to visit a brothel recently only to discover his wife was on shift there. After picking a fat Slovenian woman named Renata to screw, he confronted her about the situation. Apparently she told him she was making extra money on the side at a grocery store (paper or plastic?). After 14 years of marriage, the couple is now getting divorced.

Leave it to the Polocks to pull this genius of infidelity. Here's my interpretation of how the conversation went down:

Husband: What the fuck are you doing here?
Wife: What the fuck ARE YOU doing here?

H: Umm...I came here to...I thought you were working at a fucking store, not a store that provides fucking?!
W: So now it's my fault? If you hadn't been spending all our money on whores we wouldn't be in the predicament!

H: (Sigh) you remember to pick up my dry cleaning?
W: Yeah, it's in the back seat next to my bag of rubber fists.

H: Well, I've gotta Cincinnati Bowtie to lay on Renata..see you at home.
W: You never give me those anymore...I wanna divorce.

On some related material, this actually pretty funny..assuming it's real.