Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Letter from Aaron Gray to Chicagoans

What do you do when your team has failed to fulfill nearly every expectation it set for itself? You have rookie center Aaron Gray write a letter. And not just a letter about the team's awful season, because that would just be a reminder of how disappointing the Bulls have been this year. No, we were treated to his entire life story.

In a letter sent out to Bulls ticketholders this morning, Gray spoke about everything from growing up in Pittsburgh to being selected by the Bulls and even about how he bought his mom a Louis Vuitton purse for Christmas.

"I didn't start playing basketball until the 9th grade (I was more of a football and baseball guy), and my career got off to a little bit of a rough start. In a preseason game my junior year, I hammered home an alley-oop and shattered the glass and broke the backboard. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital with 70 stitches in my face and a shattered ankle."

Good story Aaron. Please, tell it again! Who do you think you are, Shaq? This little anecdote really takes my mind off the fact the Bulls are about 10 wins shy of where they should be this season. Remember those 50-win projections? Yea, so do I. It gets better.

"Joe Smith and Ben Wallace have had such a huge influence on me during my rookie season, particularly with the mental approach to the game. Those guys are such great leaders and are so positive."

It was at this point that I knew that the letter had to have been written by a Public Relations official from the Bulls. If Aaron is really taking mental lessons from Ben Wallace he might as well start growing his dreadlocks now, because that is probably the LAST person I'd want Gray to be trying to emulate. I can understand Joe Smith because he's at least a solid character guy, but not Wallace.

What could he possibly be teaching him? How to get paid $60 million to record 5 rebounds a night and go 1-10 from the free throw line? Or is it how to quit on not one, but two coaches in one season. Wallace must have learned that one from his buddy Rasheed, the master of mental fuckups.

Last but not least, Gray flashes the metrosexual side and admits to buying a Louis Vuitton purse. No, it wasn't for him. It was for his mommy. Then he admits to being a simpleton who enjoys bowling and Texas Hold'Em. If Aaron wasn't 7-feet-tall I could totally see him as a High School gym teacher no problem.

The last paragraph is cute, but it's again complete bullshit.

"Finally, I just want to say thank you for being such great fans and being so supportive. I can tell you that every guy on this team cares a lot about each other and we're all committed to winning. We want to make you all proud.

Take care and I'll see you at the UC soon."

I'll believe that "care about each other and committed to winning" when players stop faking injuries and acting like fucking babies. A "sprained wrist" causing Ben Gordon to miss three straight is about the gayest thing I've heard since Militia growled on American Gladiators.

This season is officially fucked. I learned that Tuesday night as I watched Viktor Khryapa provide more offense ability than Luol Deng has all season. Rather than writing fucking letters and worrying about individual egos, these assholes need to grow some balls and start playing the intense, physical basketball that made them such a good team for the last two years. Then, and only then, will they begin to win some games.
BallHype: hype it up!


Gepetto said...

You have no idea how badly I wish I had found this first. Nice job.

Mac G said...

Great Find, what complete garbage and further proof why blogs will continue to thrive.

Your Bulls remind me of myself after a bender, a complete mess.

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