Friday, January 18, 2008

A Look At ESPN Member Douchebags

Thanks to Trunk over at My Brain Says Rage, we were linked by Awful Announcing today. I don't want to know what he had to do to get our little two-man operation linked with the likes of AA, but hey, we'll take it when we can get it.

Which brings us to the reason for why we're here in the first place: ESPN Members. They're a funny bunch. I'm so happy that ESPN decided to allow comments on its page because it has given us the chance to dig up every lower-middle class Ford owner that has just enough credit left to put a Compaq Presario on 36-month layaway so they can voice their retarded opinion to the masses.

I shouldn't lump every commenter into the 'King of the Hill' category, there are commenters who represent just about every archetype you can think of. It's just that the hillbillies usually provide just enough material so we can completely rip their identity apart in about 1000 words. Anything over that would obviously have to be written by Bill Simmons and therefore biased to the fucking shithole of the world and commented on by ESPN members and, well, you get the point.

Let's go to today's tale of the tape, brought to you by the American Academy of Facial and Reconstructive Plastic Surgery, because they are the only fucking people I could think of that could possibly help this poor bastard we're about to show you.

Today's Heavyweight contender comes in at approximately 6'1, depending on the type of velcro shoes he decided to wear today, and probably somewhere in the ballpark of 245 pounds.

I give you... Michael Messerly.

As you can see this picture was taken on the greatest day of Michael Messerly's ginger life. Unless that is the best photoshop ever, this douche has gotten closer to Erin Andrews than most of us can say, and that almost makes me want to punch myself in the dick right now.

If you questioned my assumption that this was, in fact, this ginger's proudest moment, look no further than his "Greatest Sports Moment". He knows he probably won't ever touch another attractive girl, at least not one that isn't bound and gagged with his Sponge Bob underwear.

Right up there with fondling EA, Mike has listed Miami's baseball and football titles in 2001 as his greatest sports moment. For the sake of fucking skin cancer alone, I hope this kid has never stepped foot in the state of Florida.

If he has, nothing short of an act of god can save him because the sun would tear into his thin, cancer-welcoming skin with as much brute force as Militia in his debut video with COLT Studios.

Looking at this kid's profile and seeing that he's from Nebraska gives me yet another reason to never visit that state. Chalk it right up there with Arkansas and Texas as places I'd rather not go. I really think I'd rather go to Africa and take my chances with the fucking militias (hopefully they haven't done gay porn) there than endure anything more than a rest stop in those states.

Now for the icing on the cake with good ole' Michael Messerly. He wants to be the William Hung of Nebraska. Yes, you read that correctly. This fucking degenerate ginger bastard wants to voluntarily be the butt of a joke.

He wants to be famous, but not famous like normal people would want to be. He wants to be "William Hung famous". That's even worse than "Pauly Shore famous" and almost as bad as being "Phil Spector famous".

I think the only thing that this kid has to look forward to is a new lotion that is immune to chafing because jerking off is the only thing I see in his future. It must be pretty bad when you're actually uglier than the guy from Red Dragon.

Sorry "michaelmesserly" - you're not even creative enough to think of a fucking ESPN Member name? Jesus Christ, you really do suck at being a person.


Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

Another fucking gem. I love this bit a lot.

Drew H. said...

Rarely do I actually laugh aloud, but this did it: "For the sake of fucking skin cancer alone, I hope this kid has never stepped foot in the state of Florida."

Great post, though your blog name isn't all that creative either...