Tuesday, January 22, 2008
World Events That Would Have Changed Because of Metallica
So I'm on my normal walk to work this morning which generally only takes me about 20-25 minutes. As I'm about halfway there, I decide to go with Ride The Lightning, and I start listening to Fight Fire With Fire. Well, I usually think of some dumb inner monologue to me keep entertained; be it making fun of stupid people around me, or pondering things in the hypotheical. That's when it hit me. William Wallace would have sacked England if he had Metallica to listen to. Think about that. Try to tell me that Motherfucker wouldn't have gone even more ballistic if he had Battery repeating in his head. Fuck saving Robert the Bruce, he cut his fucking head screaming I'm Creeping Deathhhhhhh-ahhhhh! With that in mind, I'm going to look at some historical battles that would have been alot different with Lars beating the shit of the snare.
BATTLE OF LITTLE BIGHORN AKA CUSTARD'S LAST STAND: BLACKENED
Yes, Custard was outnumbered roughly 200 to anywhere from 900 to 1,800 Injuns. Yes, the Injuns had some rifles with them that were actually better then the slow pieces of shit they were using. However, I'm sure Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull would have changed their Peyote-laced minds when they had the "blistering of Earth" attack from Custard. Let's assume they had some PCP too. PCP + BLACKENED = THE MOST UNSTOPABLE FORCE SINCE IZZY MANDELBAUM
SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR: MOTORBREATH
The 3 month war was a brief, intense conflict that effectively ended Spain's worldwide empire and gained the United States several new possessions in the Caribbean and the Pacific. Motorbreath is a brief, intense 3 minutes and a great song. Actually nothing really changes, the US still wins, it just gets to enjoy a kick-ass song about 85 years early.
ANGLO-ZULU WAR: DAMAGE INC.
Although the Zulu's outnumbered the British 40k to about 14k, they were decimated because machine guns > spears. With a little Damage Inc. at least they would have killed 80 brits instead like 10. I'm just saying...
What else you got? Leave your thoughts..I might think of some more, but this is a good start for now!
Posted by Dr. C at 8:30 AM
Labels: Let's face it sports in Chicago are awful so this is what I'm resorting to, Metallica, William Wallace