Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Jalen Rose and 3rd Grade English are very similar
Everyday during my lunch break I like to browse the internet while eating shitty cafeteria food in an effort to keep myself updated with the latest news surrounding the NBA. Some may find that to be boring or strange, especially because I'm a white kid from Buffalo, but it's what I like to do goddamnit.
So today I just finished lunch and wandered over to the NBA page on ESPN.com to read the Daily Dime. I'm assuming most people are aware that segment exists on ESPN.com so I won't bother explaining it.
This section is usually written by Marc Stein or Chris Sheridan, but today must have been off days for both because ESPN decided it would be a good idea to let Jalen Rose test his mastery of the English language. Why the fuck they would do this I have no idea but holy shit Jalen needs to go back and read his ESPN writer's manual under the "How to not look like a complete fucking idiot while writing" section. Here are some highlights from this sure-fire Pulitzer piece of investigative sports journalism.
"Before the season began, they were actually predicted by Las Vegas to be one of the favorites to come out of East. Then the season began."
Wow. Did you come up with that one all by yourself Jalen or did you have team of interns researching for that amazing insightful information? That story is the equivalent of me saying "Before I ate those buffalo wings I had a feeling I would probably shit them out later. Then I ate the wings." Compelling, I know.
"The highest-paid player Ben Wallace doesn't know if he can wear his headband, and the second-highest paid Kirk Hinrich has already been benched."
I wonder if Jalen went to ESPN.com to figure out that Wallace and Hinrich are the two highest paid players on the team or if he just took a guess. Also, the fucking headband rule was dismissed before the start of the season by former coach Scott Skiles, but I guess Jalen was in Vegas on a research trip. And when was Kirk Hinrich benched? Did I miss that due to a violent self-inflicted cock punch after watching Hinrich commit his 109,093rd stupid foul this season? I'm pretty sure Hinrich has started EVERY FUCKING GAME this season, which pretty much is the exact opposite of benched.
From here on out it only gets worse. Brace yourself for a new level of stupidity.
"Chicago fans have a different sense of success, with memories of two of all-time best 50 NBA players (Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen still fresh. They are looking at this through different lenses than the Knicks fans, who are passionate, but only have one championship to look back on."
First of all the Knicks have won two Championships, not one. How you fuck that up is beyond me. How ESPN "editors" don't catch that also makes me want to punch a baby. I spent two years as the Sports Editor for my college newspaper and was high probably 70% of the time but I still could figure out how to at least Wikipedia shit that I wasn't completely sure about. Second of all, Knicks fans are just as, if not more passionate about their sports teams you fucking idiot. Have you heard what Isiah Thomas has been going through this season? Oh yea, and where's the closing parenthesis after Jordan and Pippen? Did you just assume we would put it in there for you wherever we saw fit? At first I thought I had copied and pasted the quote wrong, but nope, that's how Jalen thought it looked best.
Let's now explore how Jalen is uncapable of constructing a sentence that adheres to any form of usual sentence structure. Here is what could possibly be the single dumbest thing ever penned on ESPN:
"Because another big presence inside would make Wallace more effective, allowing him do the dirty work. But when Big Ben's the only big man down there, it's not good."
Where do I begin? Holy fucking shit really did you just write that?
Clearly you have not even heard of "coordinating conjunctions" and their use within a sentence. If you had, then you would probably have not chose to start two consecutive sentences with them. I also love how your conclusion to the Bulls' lack of help inside for Ben Wallace as "not good". How profound.
I haven't even brought up the fact that you spelled disappointment "disappointiment" on the FUCKING HEADLINE but that's neither here nor there. My head hurts too much after reading your piece of shit story. Your article was almost as bad as the Bulls' play this season, which is what I think you were trying to get at the entire time.