Steve Rosenbloom Absolutely Sucks

I wasn't too familiar with Steve Rosenbloom, the writer as I was Steve Rosenbloom the ESPN 1000 talk show host with Sean Salisbury. Simply put, a fucking abortion on air. Salisbury with his huff and puff, waving his finger at a blind audience somewhere from Bristol. Rosenbloom, sitting in a bomb shelter disagreeing with his fucking weasel voice. I've seen his poker columns on the Tribune before, and they're not bad. I'll give him slight credit for that. However, who had the bright idea to sponsor his blog as Chicago analysis needs immediate hotoilboarding for their decision. My case in point:a>

Zambrano? Cy. Piniella? Sigh.

Carlos Zambrano has a chance to be Gavin Floyd someday.

Piniella also says teams are taking more delight in beating the Cubs than they did last year. Sounds weak to me. Sounds like a manager who's scrambling and reverts to the most basic rallying philosophy: Everyone's against us, boys. Come on, Piniella is better than that.

Isn’t he?

The Bears released Adam Archuleta, the safety who showed that Lovie Smith can't judge older players any better than he can judge former bunkmates as defensive coordinators. The Bears should’ve done this months ago, but they apparently wanted to be as late on this off the field as Archuleta was on it.

A federal judge ruled that Roger Clemens is allowed to continue to use the attorney who has led him down this path of public humiliation and lying to the government. No lie. True fact. More Stupid Human Tricks to follow.

Holy fucking awful.

Rosenbloom quickly fills my head with a Darrion Scott rage. Zambrano? Cy. Piniella? Sigh. Dr. C? Fist Rosenbloom? Face. Some people should not be allowed a public forum to cast their shitty attempts at word play.

Zambrano has a chance to Gavin Floyd someday. I can't imagine how hard it is to type with one hand while patting yourself on the back with the other entire time. Apparently Steve's pretty good at it. Boy, I'm soo snarky. People despise my cleverness. I'm like the Lucky Charms Leprachaun. I'm magically delicious!

Piniella also says teams are taking more delight in beating the Cubs than they did last year. Sounds weak to me. Sounds like a manager who's scrambling and reverts to the most basic rallying philosophy: Everyone's against us, boys. Come on, Piniella is better than that.

Isn’t he?

I don't know, Mr. hypothetical fucking thinker, care to bestow your knowledge on this? You're the one with the Tribune sponsored blog. Instead of posing questions, how about providing answers. Oh wait, you don't know shit about anything outside of poker? But you sure can rattle a few cages!


The Bears should’ve done this months ago, but they apparently wanted to be as late on this off the field as Archuleta was on it.

Yes, they should have. There's about 8 million other things more important then some washed up shmuck with the hottest girlfriend in Chicago. They got to it before June, therefore who gives a fuck as long as they did. Holy Snark, Steve! The final burn on Archuleta...check your attitude when you read this webformation.

Blah, Blah, Blah...and now time for the Stevey final Leavey: More Stupid Human Tricks to follow. This (pats) is...(pats)(pats)(pats) HILARIOUS! (patpatpatpatpatpatpatpatpatpatpatpatpatpat). I'm going to reward myself with an ice cream cone from McDonalds, only to bitch that my swirrel cone is melting more then the Bulls coaching choices! Burn! (patpatpatpat)

Holy Fucking Shit - Heath Ledger's Death is THAT serious?

So Heath Ledger is dead. Nobody knows exactly how he died, so far it's been reported as an overdose on pills, a suicide, even an Ashley-Kate related coke binge. All I know is, when you're relying on news updates from TMZ, you've officially crossed the line between human and douche.

You are the consumer that feeds on stupid stories like this, combined with well-placed ads for Verizon, HP and the Bravo! Newtork.

Your life has officially become meaningless because you would rather live vicariously through people who cannot even manage to live their own lives, lives that are free from the problems that most 9-5 working people face.

Anyway, I digress. I can't believe I'm even posting about this retarded topic since it has nothing to do with sports or specifically Chicago sports, but I love to make a well-timed joke every now and then and this is really funny.



These crazy people who claim to be "religious" are going to be picketing Ledger's funeral because of his role in 'Brokeback Mountain'. In the letter that they have sent out to fellow members of the "Westboro Baptist Church," they state that "God hates fags!" and "God hates Fag-Enablers!" I've never actually seen the movie myself but wow, who are these people that belong to this Church and seriously how drunk are they at all times?

I'd like to visit their hilariously-titled website "www.godhatesfags.com" but I'm at work and I'm pretty sure that by going to that site, I'd really put my job in jeopardy. I'm sure it has a lot of well-founded, thought out arguments that make a lot of sense and attribute their findings to people that have years and years of experience in their particular fields of expertise.

What I really mean is, I'm sure these fucking psycho hicks are taking every ambiguous and out of context passage from the Bible (which brings a whole other argument of validity but not for this post) and twisting it to fit into their fucked up version of reality.



People like these should be put into a room with fucking al-Qaeda members eating fucking sand and punching babies while watching Fox News because they're bascially doing the same thing to their respective religions.

I didn't know that one asshole's overdose on cocaine could spur such fucking stupidity among people who otherwise could probably spend their entire day in a drunken, wife-beating haze.

This is all still your fault Ben Wallace, I blame everything on you. See, even I can succumb to blind hatred every once and a while.

Jalen Rose and 3rd Grade English are very similar

Everyday during my lunch break I like to browse the internet while eating shitty cafeteria food in an effort to keep myself updated with the latest news surrounding the NBA. Some may find that to be boring or strange, especially because I'm a white kid from Buffalo, but it's what I like to do goddamnit.

So today I just finished lunch and wandered over to the NBA page on ESPN.com to read the Daily Dime. I'm assuming most people are aware that segment exists on ESPN.com so I won't bother explaining it.

This section is usually written by Marc Stein or Chris Sheridan, but today must have been off days for both because ESPN decided it would be a good idea to let Jalen Rose test his mastery of the English language. Why the fuck they would do this I have no idea but holy shit Jalen needs to go back and read his ESPN writer's manual under the "How to not look like a complete fucking idiot while writing" section. Here are some highlights from this sure-fire Pulitzer piece of investigative sports journalism.

"Before the season began, they were actually predicted by Las Vegas to be one of the favorites to come out of East. Then the season began."

Wow. Did you come up with that one all by yourself Jalen or did you have team of interns researching for that amazing insightful information? That story is the equivalent of me saying "Before I ate those buffalo wings I had a feeling I would probably shit them out later. Then I ate the wings." Compelling, I know.

Moving on.

"The highest-paid player Ben Wallace doesn't know if he can wear his headband, and the second-highest paid Kirk Hinrich has already been benched."

I wonder if Jalen went to ESPN.com to figure out that Wallace and Hinrich are the two highest paid players on the team or if he just took a guess. Also, the fucking headband rule was dismissed before the start of the season by former coach Scott Skiles, but I guess Jalen was in Vegas on a research trip. And when was Kirk Hinrich benched? Did I miss that due to a violent self-inflicted cock punch after watching Hinrich commit his 109,093rd stupid foul this season? I'm pretty sure Hinrich has started EVERY FUCKING GAME this season, which pretty much is the exact opposite of benched.

From here on out it only gets worse. Brace yourself for a new level of stupidity.

"Chicago fans have a different sense of success, with memories of two of all-time best 50 NBA players (Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen still fresh. They are looking at this through different lenses than the Knicks fans, who are passionate, but only have one championship to look back on."

First of all the Knicks have won two Championships, not one. How you fuck that up is beyond me. How ESPN "editors" don't catch that also makes me want to punch a baby. I spent two years as the Sports Editor for my college newspaper and was high probably 70% of the time but I still could figure out how to at least Wikipedia shit that I wasn't completely sure about. Second of all, Knicks fans are just as, if not more passionate about their sports teams you fucking idiot. Have you heard what Isiah Thomas has been going through this season? Oh yea, and where's the closing parenthesis after Jordan and Pippen? Did you just assume we would put it in there for you wherever we saw fit? At first I thought I had copied and pasted the quote wrong, but nope, that's how Jalen thought it looked best.

Let's now explore how Jalen is uncapable of constructing a sentence that adheres to any form of usual sentence structure. Here is what could possibly be the single dumbest thing ever penned on ESPN:

"Because another big presence inside would make Wallace more effective, allowing him do the dirty work. But when Big Ben's the only big man down there, it's not good."

Where do I begin? Holy fucking shit really did you just write that?

Clearly you have not even heard of "coordinating conjunctions" and their use within a sentence. If you had, then you would probably have not chose to start two consecutive sentences with them. I also love how your conclusion to the Bulls' lack of help inside for Ben Wallace as "not good". How profound.

I haven't even brought up the fact that you spelled disappointment "disappointiment" on the FUCKING HEADLINE but that's neither here nor there. My head hurts too much after reading your piece of shit story. Your article was almost as bad as the Bulls' play this season, which is what I think you were trying to get at the entire time.