Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Look at Some ESPN Member Douchebags

Welcome to another installment of our ongoing series "Looking at Some ESPN Member Douchebags". I'm sure a lot of you have read ESPN and looked at the comments and wondered where the hell most of these people come from. The answer is Arkansas. Today's douche is by far the biggest I have ever found while reading ESPN comments, and it only makes sense that I found him while reading an article about hockey. Everyone, meet "Qtuz0FF". "Qtuz0FF", meet everybody.

I'll give you a second to take in what you've just seen. Ready? Good.

I can't even think of where to begin to make fun of this guy, so I'll start with the fact that you're one of those fucks that thinks wearing those "Affliction" shirt makes you look like a badass. These people also usually fall into the category of people who think they're a good fighter because they order every UFC fight.

I love watching UFC fights, don't get me wrong. I just don't think that watching fights translates into making me a better fighter, that's like saying watching porn would make me better at having sex. If that really were the case, not only would I know how to escape a choke hold, I'd also be able to have sex for longer than 45 seconds while sober. Everyone has dreams right?

Anyway, I'm assuming that everyone in Arkansas that likes the NHL and the Boston Red Sox is forced to wear a mask. I made a mental picture of what you look like under that mask and came up with something like the picture below to the right, which also helps to explain why he's wearing a mask. What, too soon?

This guy also apparently picked his favorite schools/teams while wearing this mask because I can't think of more of a clusterfuck of teams than the ones he has chose to support. It looks like Qtuz0FF has jumped with both of his faggy legs right onto the Boston bandwagon, as it appears he is a fan of the Patriots, Celtics and the Red Sox (puking in my mouth).

To contrast with his Boston preference, he also is a fan of the Nuggets and the Mavericks, two teams in the same conference, as well as an ecletic variety of NHL teams that bear no apparent correlation to any form of geography I've ever understood. Did you just throw darts at a map and pick teams from random to like?

Oh, I almost forgot about the joke this guy has in his little "quote box" above his picture, which looks like was taken next to a 3rd grade classroom. Looks like the Chuck Norris jokes are just starting to flow into the Arkansas pipeline, took you fuckers long enough. Those were funny like a year ago right? Hey, at least they're not still on Bill Brasky.

So to "Qtux0FF", thank you for being such a humongous douche and thank you also to ESPN for being the cum that holds all the douches together. There's so many more jokes that I want to make (Raphael/Cory Feldman, the fact you're a "Java Developer", Formula 1 Racing) but I do have a job that pays me money for my services. Until next time.

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