Can't We Just Get Along?

The scene: Huntley, IL. A seemingly innocent birthday party on a Saturday afternoon. Two year olds are playing, their parents and friends - avid Cubs fans with a few White Sox fans mixed in - are boozing like there's no tomorrow.

You know what pisses me off? Sesame Street. Fuck that stupid Big Bird. If you're a bird, why don't you go fucking fly somewhere? Take snuffle-whatever-the-fuck with you. I'm sooo pissed off right now. Oh look, the Cubs' game is on.

Damnit though, I'm still pissed. Either I'm kicking Big Bird ass, or I'm settling for a Sox fan. Hey, look at this guy..Hey you..you a Sox fan?! Hey Maciej and Blogusaw, this guy likes Sesame Street and the Sox!! Come here you prick!

HUNTLEY, Ill. - McHenry County authorities say three Chicago Cubs fans face felony battery charges after allegedly beating a Chicago White Sox fan so badly he lost his right eye.

The men are accused of beating 32-year-old Robert Steele of Gurnee during a 2-year-old girl's Sesame Street-themed birthday party.

Police said Monday the men were drinking alcohol at the July 19th party and taunting Steele.

They say Steele was kicked in the head and his nose was broken. He stayed several days at an Elgin hospital.

Thirty-one-year-old Jaroslaw Czapla, 37-year-old Boguslaw Czapla and 33-year-old Maciej Trojnar face mob action and aggravated battery charges.

Jaroslaw Czapla's number is unlisted. There were no listings for Boguslaw Czapla or Trojnar.

Wow...Just Wow

Remember when you were a kid, and you were sitting with your friends at the lunch table showing off your baseball cards as if they were thoroughbred horses?

Fucking-A right you were proud of your 1990 Donruss collection. Delino DeShields, Bip Roberts, you fuckin' had'em all. You were a little Billy Beane; always trying to convince the kid next to you who smelled like diaper shit that trading away his Griffey rookie card for the entire Cubs battery was a great idea.

Remember? Of course you do! I'm sure it seems just like yesterday you were finishing your closing arguments that Damon Barryhill was an up-and-comer like fucking Matlock. Shit, you were even willing to throw in this good condition Mark Grace card!

Yeah, those were the times. Though we've grown older and had our baseball cards lost, trashed by parents, or whatever the circumstances; we have fantasy sports to make those preposterous trades now. Trade me Carlos Zambrano for Johnny Cueto. Come on man, Cueto struck out 10 in his first game!

You see, there's fun in doing that. It's so fucking stupid that it's funny! It will never work, but you tried anyways!

And that must be the reason why Chicago Tribune columnist like Mike Downey came out with an article today saying the Bears should trade Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre:.

I had an idea. The deal of the century. The deal of any century. The most talked-about trade in the history of trades.

Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre.

It would shock every NFL jock. It would be the biggest thing in football since George Halas was a Leatherhead.

What a whopper—54 for 4.

I love Urlacher, but he seemed unhappy with his contract, or at least he did until Monday's news that he had signed an extension.

I love Favre, but he is unhappy with his status.

Green Bay would get a linebacker who is only 30. His neck and back are not in mint condition, so who knows how many good years he has left?

Chicago would get a quarterback who is 38. He is a little gray and grizzly, yes, but even in his worst year he beats what the Bears have now.

It was win-win, baby.

I asked Burke Griffin what he thought.

You see that? What a fuckin' funny guy! He's comparing these two, and asking for approval...

But there's a problem here, Mike. See, you've got it the other way around. Your buddy Burke Griffin up in Green Bay should be selling you on this proposal. He should be telling why his Damon Barryhill is worth your Ken Griffey Jr.

And that's the point I'm making. Are you really that hard up for a column? I do this shit jokingly and I guess you were, too. But me, as the reader of the paper, don't need you to do this for me. I do it on my own on a daily basis.

Your job in case you forgot, is to fucking report. To bring your opinion as a columnist from your years of insight you have. Tell me shit I don't know. Bring me, the sports fan, NEWS.

This isn't news, nor opinion.

This is you fucking jacking off on your BlackBerry with laughter because this is rivalry-rebelrouser of an idea you have is actually going into print.

No, I guess 4 for 54 can't happen.

Isn't there something else the Bears could offer them for 4?

For starters, how about your genius fucking trade proposals? Next up, A.J. Hawk for Steve McNair! Oh wait, he's not playing anymore? Fuck it, it will make for great feedback!

Leave It To An Australian To...

Auction off his pathetic life. Seriously. Not off his life; auction. Because killing himself obviously makes too much sense.

Hi there, my name is Ian Usher, and I have had enough of my life! I don't want it any more! You can have it if you like!," reads his Web site www.alife4sale.com, which has a link to eBay for bidders.

Usher said his life auction, which starts on June 22, included not only his house, a car, a motorbike, a jet ski and a spa, but also an introduction to "great friends" and a job at a rug shop in Perth for a trial two-week period.

For the low price of $385,000 (as of now, and I dont imagine that budging) you can:

A: Take this 44 year old tool's life;

B: Get his shitty job at some fucking rug shop

C: Meet his polesmoking friends

D: Get a house in Perth, Australia that's already furnished with a car, a motorbike a jet ski and a spa.

Question: How do you own that much shit working at a fucking rug store? Why can't the Arabs take on Australia? Why is this motherfucker getting media attention? Why is it considered statutory when she all she said was wait instead of stop?

These answers all elude me.

My Super Bowl MVP: Tiki Barber

Amongst all the talk about ending the Patriots perfect season and the coming of age story for Eli Manning, one thing I couldn't help but wonder is how much does it just suck to be Tiki Barber right now? I'm trying to picture the scene at the Barber house right now, somewhere in or around Roanoake, Va., where Tiki is sitting in his favorite chair thinking to himself about how he could be celebrating a Super Bowl Championship muttering "God damnit" in a quiet, disappointed tone.

Barber's absence is probably the sole reason why the Giants were able to be so successful this postseason and especially tonight, as the thunder and lightning attack of Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw tallied just a combined 87 yards but held blitzing Patriots off of Eli Manning all night. Jacobs proved especially valuable in the crucial fourth and one conversion on the game winning drive.

One has to doubt that with Barber still on the team, where the Giants would have ended up this year. This would have been a storybook way to end your career (just ask Jerome Bettis) but Barber just couldn't wait to trade in his jersey and pads for some wing tips and a microphone. Good call Tiki.

With all the past problems Barber had with Michael Strahan and coach Tom Coughlin, Tiki surely would have found a way to turn the team against each other and fuck up the season. Without him, all the Giants did was complete the biggest upset in the history of the NFL. Tiki's storied feuds with Michael Strahan are enough to provide for evidence that he's an absolute team cancer. In 2002 when Strahan was negotiating a new contract with the Giants, Barber had the audacity to publicly criticize him.

"That is absolutely ridiculous, to turn that down," Barber was quoted in saying. "He's already the highest-paid defensive player in the league. He's already making more than most quarterbacks...Michael is not thinking about the team; he's thinking about himself"

Strahan, who also held out earlier this year for the entire preseason, responded then to Barber's comments by saying.



"Who is Tiki Barber to shoot his mouth off? What has he done? He talks like he's acting in the best interest of the team. Tell him to give his $7 million (signing bonus) back. Since he's so charitable, why doesn't he volunteer his $7 million? He says all the politically correct things. Ask him if he's giving up some of his money."

You tell him Mike, you're the one with the ring and the name now as part of the defensive line that was able to shock the world and sack the invincible Tom Brady five times in one game, the most of any team this season. What does Tiki have? As far as I'm concerned, just some older, saggier balls and an Asian wife who could just as eaily be 25 or 50.



It would have been 100 times more hilarious if Barber had actually been at the game in the announcer's booth. Think he would have had the balls to actually pick the Giants before the game? I think not. But Tiki's moved on to bigger and better things now, covering hard news and politics, because that's so much cooler than winning the Super Bowl. Another good call by Tiki.

I hope it was all worth it Tiki, you just had to go out on your terms, didn't you?

Chances the Giants had of making it to the Super Bowl and upsetting the Patriots with Tiki Barber in uniform this year: 1 in 500. Chances that Tiki is regretting retiring last season and not staying on for one more year: 100 percent. Humor surrounding his dumbass decision combined with the amazing victory and his overall douchebaggery: priceless.