What To Look For Tonight's Bears/Chiefs Game

Are you as excited as I am to finally watch some fuckin' football? Damn straight. Now remember, as your Doctor I am prescribing you lots of booze to make you think that Mike Hass truly is the white Jerry Rice. I'll have a couple things that I'm going to pay attention to, and after that, a Bears pre-season drinking game that is sure to fuck you up.

The obvious things everyone is going to look at: Rex vs. Orton, Forte.

Here's what I'm going to be watching:

The Offensive Line: This is my biggest concern on the whole team. More so then Grossman/Orton, because they're fucking useless even when they have decent blocking. Terrence Metcalf just had his knee scoped, Chris Williams has been sitting on the sidelines thinking about how he can relate to his favorite WB show Everyone Hates Chris. That leaves second year man Josh Beekman in at left guard, and John St. Clair at left tackle. Not exactly what you're hoping for in terms of experience. This will be critical not only in their play, but their ability to STAY HEALTHY. Ruben Brown is liking his chops with the Bears' depth, and it's not from the Sweet Baby Ray's he just put on his hickory smoked ribs from Carson's.

Secondary: Over/Under in the comments on what game Mike Brown is lost for the season again. I'm going to put the tab at 4 games, and I'll obviously take the under. I love Mike Brown, but I stopped trusting him a few years ago. I don't expect Vash and Peanut to play much, so we'll see if Trumaine McBride has recovered from his third degree burns from the NFL receivers he's gotten torched on. Look for rookies Zach Bowman (Nebraska) and Craig Steltz (LSU) to see time somewhere near the end of the second quarter.

Caleb Hanie: This bastard beat out my boy Nick Hill, so he better have a line looking like this to justify it: 10/12, 202 yds, 2 TD, O INT. I know the guy played at Colorado State, but that's all I know. These are the only two youtube clips I could find, and I'm terrified. Caleb Hanie is not only unknown, but also very grainy:



At CSU:



If you have something you're looking for, feel free to share. With those things now addressed, let's get down to the real deal:

****THE OFFICIAL DRINKING GAME IS POST ABOVE, I FELT IT SHOULD BE IT'S POST****

If you would like us to add on to this, please be my guess. This should be enough to make you hate your life tomorrow, but you'll rave that the Bears offense is going to make the greatest show on turf look like a bunch of fags. Wait, St. Louis is a bunch of fags? Oh yeah, nevermind.

Countdown To The NFL Draft

The NFL draft is quite the paradox. On one hand, there's tons of excitement over who each team might draft with visions of landing the next game-changing back such as a Purple Jesus. Teams also draft in hopes of getting a franchise quarterback such as Cade McN..wait..nevermind. Which leads to the other side of the coin. It's been widely known that 80% of the first round picks will be complete busts. If you're the Bears, that number would be more like 98% (see: Cedric Benson, Michael Haynes, Marc Columbo, David Terrell, the forementioned McDumbfuck, Curtis Enis, Walt Harris, Rashaan Salaam, John Theirry, Alonzo Spellman, Stan "False Start Offense Number 60" Thomas).

Anyways, I think you get the point. Over the past 30 years, the Bears have only drafted three offensive lineman, and only one turned out a good career: Keith Van Horne in '81. This year needs to bring the fourth. As much as I would like the Bears to draft someone like Rashard Mendenhall or Johnathan Stewart, the offense will be complete dick if there's no holes opened up for the running game or protection for either the Terrorist or the Beard.

However, I think the Bears do need to use their second round pick (#44) for another back. It will obviously depend on who's available, as you can pretty much name any position and they'll probably need depth there. But's it obvious Garrett Wolfe will not pan out, and Adrian Peterson should continue to the be the back-up/third down back. As far as I'm concerned, Benson is dead to me.

Despite the fact that the everyone puts way too much hype in the draft, I still can't think of any day that excites me more that has nothing to do with an actual game. I get up early, crack open my first ice cold Miller Lite, and let the pandemonium begin. Now that I think about it, I've actually never done a mock draft before. I think I might do that just to see what happens.

In other Bears news, Brandon McGowan has been resigned to a 1-year deal. And you know what that means. Fucking Super Bowl bound now, that's what.

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Tiki Crashed the Super Bowl

After writing that Tiki was probably sitting in Roanoake, Va. watching the game and crying in his Sanka, it appears he was actually in Glendale, AZ reporting for the Today Show. Barber even interviewed Eli Manning, even though you could tell he was clearly hating his life while asking Manning how it feels. Manning was his usual "aw shucks" self, and I thought it was funny that he really didn't even look at Barber in the face. Barber, dressed like he just did a commercial for The Gap, had to get in some cheap shots saying the season was "tumultuous" and sounded like he was holding back tears throughout almost the entire segment.

Tiki also interviewed David Tyree and offensive lineman Rich Seubert, who seemed to love the fact that he was rubbing in their victory while all Barber could do was beg him for an interview. Poor Tiki.

So Eli goes from Grossman-like status to joining his brother as the MVP of the Super Bowl in one year while Barber got everything he wanted, except a Super Bowl Ring. And the people say the Patriots were the ones who had karma come back to bite them in the ass.

Also, at 6:01 Meredith Vieira gets a nice little cheap shot in on Tom Brady, posing the question to Tiki wondering if Gisele went home with Eli. I like where you're head's at Meredith, wanna come help us out with some jokes?

My Super Bowl MVP: Tiki Barber

Amongst all the talk about ending the Patriots perfect season and the coming of age story for Eli Manning, one thing I couldn't help but wonder is how much does it just suck to be Tiki Barber right now? I'm trying to picture the scene at the Barber house right now, somewhere in or around Roanoake, Va., where Tiki is sitting in his favorite chair thinking to himself about how he could be celebrating a Super Bowl Championship muttering "God damnit" in a quiet, disappointed tone.

Barber's absence is probably the sole reason why the Giants were able to be so successful this postseason and especially tonight, as the thunder and lightning attack of Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw tallied just a combined 87 yards but held blitzing Patriots off of Eli Manning all night. Jacobs proved especially valuable in the crucial fourth and one conversion on the game winning drive.

One has to doubt that with Barber still on the team, where the Giants would have ended up this year. This would have been a storybook way to end your career (just ask Jerome Bettis) but Barber just couldn't wait to trade in his jersey and pads for some wing tips and a microphone. Good call Tiki.

With all the past problems Barber had with Michael Strahan and coach Tom Coughlin, Tiki surely would have found a way to turn the team against each other and fuck up the season. Without him, all the Giants did was complete the biggest upset in the history of the NFL. Tiki's storied feuds with Michael Strahan are enough to provide for evidence that he's an absolute team cancer. In 2002 when Strahan was negotiating a new contract with the Giants, Barber had the audacity to publicly criticize him.

"That is absolutely ridiculous, to turn that down," Barber was quoted in saying. "He's already the highest-paid defensive player in the league. He's already making more than most quarterbacks...Michael is not thinking about the team; he's thinking about himself"

Strahan, who also held out earlier this year for the entire preseason, responded then to Barber's comments by saying.



"Who is Tiki Barber to shoot his mouth off? What has he done? He talks like he's acting in the best interest of the team. Tell him to give his $7 million (signing bonus) back. Since he's so charitable, why doesn't he volunteer his $7 million? He says all the politically correct things. Ask him if he's giving up some of his money."

You tell him Mike, you're the one with the ring and the name now as part of the defensive line that was able to shock the world and sack the invincible Tom Brady five times in one game, the most of any team this season. What does Tiki have? As far as I'm concerned, just some older, saggier balls and an Asian wife who could just as eaily be 25 or 50.



It would have been 100 times more hilarious if Barber had actually been at the game in the announcer's booth. Think he would have had the balls to actually pick the Giants before the game? I think not. But Tiki's moved on to bigger and better things now, covering hard news and politics, because that's so much cooler than winning the Super Bowl. Another good call by Tiki.

I hope it was all worth it Tiki, you just had to go out on your terms, didn't you?

Chances the Giants had of making it to the Super Bowl and upsetting the Patriots with Tiki Barber in uniform this year: 1 in 500. Chances that Tiki is regretting retiring last season and not staying on for one more year: 100 percent. Humor surrounding his dumbass decision combined with the amazing victory and his overall douchebaggery: priceless.