Remember when you were a kid, and you were sitting with your friends at the lunch table showing off your baseball cards as if they were thoroughbred horses?
Fucking-A right you were proud of your 1990 Donruss collection. Delino DeShields, Bip Roberts, you fuckin' had'em all. You were a little Billy Beane; always trying to convince the kid next to you who smelled like diaper shit that trading away his Griffey rookie card for the entire Cubs battery was a great idea.
Remember? Of course you do! I'm sure it seems just like yesterday you were finishing your closing arguments that Damon Barryhill was an up-and-comer like fucking Matlock. Shit, you were even willing to throw in this good condition Mark Grace card!
Yeah, those were the times. Though we've grown older and had our baseball cards lost, trashed by parents, or whatever the circumstances; we have fantasy sports to make those preposterous trades now. Trade me Carlos Zambrano for Johnny Cueto. Come on man, Cueto struck out 10 in his first game!
You see, there's fun in doing that. It's so fucking stupid that it's funny! It will never work, but you tried anyways!
And that must be the reason why Chicago Tribune columnist like Mike Downey came out with an article today saying the Bears should trade Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre:.
I had an idea. The deal of the century. The deal of any century. The most talked-about trade in the history of trades.
Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre.
It would shock every NFL jock. It would be the biggest thing in football since George Halas was a Leatherhead.
What a whopper—54 for 4.
I love Urlacher, but he seemed unhappy with his contract, or at least he did until Monday's news that he had signed an extension.
I love Favre, but he is unhappy with his status.
Green Bay would get a linebacker who is only 30. His neck and back are not in mint condition, so who knows how many good years he has left?
Chicago would get a quarterback who is 38. He is a little gray and grizzly, yes, but even in his worst year he beats what the Bears have now.
It was win-win, baby.
I asked Burke Griffin what he thought.
You see that? What a fuckin' funny guy! He's comparing these two, and asking for approval...
But there's a problem here, Mike. See, you've got it the other way around. Your buddy Burke Griffin up in Green Bay should be selling you on this proposal. He should be telling why his Damon Barryhill is worth your Ken Griffey Jr.
And that's the point I'm making. Are you really that hard up for a column? I do this shit jokingly and I guess you were, too. But me, as the reader of the paper, don't need you to do this for me. I do it on my own on a daily basis.
Your job in case you forgot, is to fucking report. To bring your opinion as a columnist from your years of insight you have. Tell me shit I don't know. Bring me, the sports fan, NEWS.
This isn't news, nor opinion.
This is you fucking jacking off on your BlackBerry with laughter because this is rivalry-rebelrouser of an idea you have is actually going into print.
No, I guess 4 for 54 can't happen.
Isn't there something else the Bears could offer them for 4?
For starters, how about your genius fucking trade proposals? Next up, A.J. Hawk for Steve McNair! Oh wait, he's not playing anymore? Fuck it, it will make for great feedback!