I know it's a little late, but I decided to post this anyway. Last weekend was a little ridiculous for me and my ol' buddy Noce. And now you're going to hear about it.
A good friend of ours was in town from Phoenix for the 4th of July, and last Thursday after work Noce and I met up with him, his friend who he brought with him (who was a real fucking odd duck if you know what I mean. He looked like a journalist from Montana who had seen too many steers put down the day before. Plus he asked us if we could hook him up with some blow, which was also strange; we don't dabble in that tomfoolery).
The plan? If you guessed get extremely intoxicated and hit on attractive women, you're correct. So we proceeded to Noce's manor where we started the boozin'.
We had some sort of deal at a club Enclave where it was an hour of free drinks from 9-10 and half off cover, which would have still been $10 after the deal. Let it be known, that I, Dr. C, fucking hate clubs. I enjoy the hot girls there, but would much rather go to a bar.
As usual, we're pretty shit-canned by the time we get there. Only problem is, it's 9:50 by the time we get in line. This did not make the doctor pleased:
Dr. C: So we have to pay twenty dollars to get in this motherfucker now?!
Noce: You'll be fine once you get in there, dude.
(pauses, thinks it over)
Dr. C: Fuck this, I'm not giving away twenty fucking dollars to pay eight dollars a beer. I'm out.
And with that I bolted; destination unknown. Sometimes when I get drunk, I over analyze situations. I don't like my chances for booze being reduced and overpriced when I'm already shitfaced. So I strolled down the street where I stumbled into what I believed was T.G.I. Fridays. I grabbed a stool, got a double jack and coke and surveyed the scene.
The damp, dewy shit hole had equal representation in its Thursday night clientele. An old man next to me who looked like he had been laid off after 32 years at the post office, a younger couple on the verge of fucking in their booth. Garbage.
Luckily, a friend of mine lives just two blocks down the street, and he didn't mind me coming over. So I went there and drank for free.
About three hours later, I get a call from Noce:
Noce: Dude, I'm in a cab
Dr. C: Did you just leave
Dr. C: Come pick my ass up, I'm two blocks away.
(Just as I tell Noce my coordinates, I immediately hear him yelling at the cab driver, fuck, stop, go here, go here in a slightly drunken Noce tone)
As I hop in the Cab, Noce looks like he just took 3 vicodin after eating a thanksgiving meal. He was mush. Dude, I'm fucked up he replies. I laugh.
We pull up outside of his place, and I get out of the cab. Noce is just sitting there. Let's go, Dummy I say to him trying to coax him out. He finally gets out. He takes two steps and collapses onto the car next to him.
Now when I say collapse, I mean complete upper body all over the hood of this SUV.
Dr. C: (laughing) What the fuck are you doing?
So I guide Noce to his bed, and the second I toss him in, he starts making an upchuck face. Normally, using the garbage can next to his head would have been the best option, but I'm kinda drunk so I tried getting him to the toilet. Yeah, not so much. He got most of it in there, but there was some damage done.
Now enter Noce's roommate. He's a former D-1 college lineman measuring in at 6'2", and well over 300 lbs.
Roommate: WHERE THE FUCK IS (NOCE)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. C: What happened?
Roommate: THAT MOTHERFUCKER STUCK ME WITH A $350 DOLLAR TAB AT THE BAR!!
(Death and Destruction ensues)
I convinced him to go outside before things were dismantled, and calmed him down. Apparently the group got a bottle at the club which was $265 dollars, plus good old Cook County taxes. Noce wanted shot glasses to go with the bottle, instead he got four shots, $50 in all. While they all agreed to split the cost of the bottle, Noce was going to put the tab on his card and get the money from everyone. He never put the card down. He left it for his roommate. He also never got the money from our friend from Phoenix, and his nose-candying work associate.
I on the other hand, spent less then 20 dollars and drank the rest of the miller lite in Noce's fridge.
Sometimes over analyzing is the right thing to do. Good times.