A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

This is a looong overdue post, but I want to first preference it by thanking faithful reader stalkingerinandrews for finding this fuckstick for us. Considering he sent MR.PATRIOT81 to us right around the Super Bowl, we've been a bit lazy. But with the Boss out today, and Noce probably half way in the fucking can by now, I'll be productive in non work shenanigans. That said, let's take a look at the biggest front-running, BBMak loving, Hollister wearing, Shitstain smelling "bro" I've seen thus far on here...he's none other then MR.PATRIOT81

JUST LOOK AT HIS FUCKING TEAMS HE LIKES. Let's go to the visual for this one:

As you can see, MR.PATRIOT81, (or as his aol friends know him as JTmbrlakeismyidol) apparently doesn't plant his fucking flag in one state. Try Seven. Look out Pacific Northwest, MR.PATRIOT IS COMING TO A WESTFIELD MALL TO TRY ON ABERCROMBIE CLOTHES THANKS TO MOM GIVING HIM MONEY FOR A SUPER TERRIFIC REPORT CARD NEAR YOU!!!

His favorite sports moments indicate to me that nothing happened before he was born in his eyes;

"Whatching Kobe drop 81 against the Raptors. I never though anyone would score over 80"

First off, ass clown shows his riting skills with his opening word. Second, MR.PATRIOT, please examine this picture below:

March 2, 1962

PLEASE DO THE FOLLOWING, MR.PATRIOT81

A: Go to nearest local hardware store

B: Get six feet of thick rope

C: Go to nearest bridge

D: Tie rope around your neck and attach to bridge. Please make sure bridge attachment is sturdy.

E: Jump off, with end result looking something like this (pics are so super sweet bro, couldn't help myself):

Moving on. For future reference MR.PATRIOT, just put every stupid fucking sport ever invented by some hella cool brah. A whole paragraph worth of everything X-Games to Grabassing is quite unnecessary.

OCCUPATION: RETAIL

What a fucking surprise...I'm sure you're as enthusiastic about your job as Louie Anderson was in Coming to America: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm folding clothes. Soon I'll be on register; then the front greeter. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Finally, MR.PATRIOT informs us he's met a lady friend (not visible on the super sweet pic above bros)

I finally found a great girl that is a Patriot fan and I met her a few weeks back but we are just now getting serious.

Good for you. When she breaks up with your sorry ass next week for the douche across the street, I've saved you some trouble bro by linking you some Dashboard to sob over for the next month, you fucking pussy. Go suck J.J. Redick's dick while you're at, he's been in need of some "Coldplay" too.