Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Look at Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

Yesterday we promised a Super Bowl version of 'A Look at those ESPN Member Douchebags' you love to hate, and today we present to you a woman who I'm sure many Deadspin visitors are familiar with. She has seen her beloved Patriots go down Sunday, which has caused her many tears of Wes Welker-like sadness. Without further adieu, the self-proclaimed nut-cracking LADYVICTORYUSA:



Doesn't she look like a prime victim for Buffalo Bill? Not this Buffalo Bill; but this one (Side note: do not google image 'Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs' at work...why people feel the need to post that type of stuff during the Bye Bye Horses song is beyond me...disgusting). For her personal quote, she goes with "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me" from 'Batman Begins'. I see nothing wrong with that; a decent quote. But "BATMAN AKA BRUCE WAYNE?" No shit, sherlock. Was that really necessary for the attribution followed by moreclarification?

I'll move on.

I'm not going to dwell on the fact she's a Patriots fan, because I think we all have similar feelings towards the stereotypical Boston fan base. However, LADYVICTORYUSA provides with a questionaire of herself that nothing short of God could bestow upon us.

I: LADY V, TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW, K?

LV: THAT'S A SUPER GREAT QUESTION! WOW, OK, I TOTALLY HAVE VERY STRONG LEG MUSCLES. WHEN I WAS A GIRL, I USED TO BE ABLE TO CRACK A WALNUT BETWEEN MY KNEES. ONE THANKSGIVING, MY AUNT TRUDY FORGOT TO BRING HER NUTCRACKER AND WE TOTALLY HAD ALL OF THESE MIXED NUTS BUT NOBODY COULD GET THEM OPEN SO I TOOK A PECAN AND CRACKED IT OPEN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR. I CRACKED NUTS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.


Do I even need think of a joke on this? It really speaks for itself. I couldn't even make that shit up about her in my imagination if I tried. The one thing I will say I would rather drink water infested with pigeon shit than eat a nut she cracked with her Big Show-like knees. I could a look at each question because they're all hilarious, but instead I'll just take a few, such as question four, which apparently really blindsided her:

I: QUESTION 4, RED LOBSTER OR ARBYS?

LV: WOW.......I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING! THAT'S A TOUGH CALL. IF ARBYS IS HAVING THE 5 FOR 5 PROMOTION, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S THE BEEF AND CHEDDAR DEAL, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY ARBYS. BUT, IF LOBSTERFEST IS GOING ON, I'M GOING WITH THE LOBSTER. SUPER GREAT QUESTION!


The thought of her eating makes me want "super great" throw up on my desk. Next question, please:

I: THANKS! NEXT QUESTION......IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH ANY MAN OF YOUR CHOICE, WHO WOULD YOU PICK?

LV: CAN I PICK 2 OMG? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! JUST KIDDING! I WOULD PROBABLY PICK EITHER JEFF GORDON OR DANZA.




Jeff Gordon or Danza. This woman's brain capacity for off the wall shit makes me wonder if she should be writing this blog. Seriously. Tony Fucking Danza. I definitely would hate for Tony to be shown by LADY V who's the boss.

I: NAME A SUBJECT THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT...

LV: WITHOUT A DOUBT, CANNIBALISM. BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE AND THE THOUGHT OF IT CHILLS ME TO THE BONE.


My oh my, how the Silence of the Lambs has come full circle. Last question:

I: LAST QUESTION. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF THIS TIME NEXT YEAR OMG?

LV: WELL, AS YOU KNOW THE BLOG IS GAINING READERSHIP AND TRACTION SO I GUESS I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT I SEE THE BLOG GETTING SYNDICATED WHICH WOULD TOTALLY MEAN INCREASED ADVERTISING AND REVENUE DOWN THE ROAD.

I: THANKS FOR YOUR TIME LADY V, IT'S BEEN A TOTAL PLEASURE.

LV: THANK YOU FOR INTERVIEWING ME!

END OF INTERVIEW......


It has been a total pleasure, Lady V. I've now learned that 'Ghost' is your favorite movie, Red Lobster and Arby's should combine efforts to create a full force of filth, and that Cannabalism is weighing heavily on your mind.

Yikes.

BallHype: hype it up!

6 comments:

Noce said...

So I couldn't help but actually type in "Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs" in Google and didn't quite understand what you were talking about until I clicked on "images". Wow. How I'm going to explain that to HR I do not know. Well played sir.

Dr. C said...

Haha don't say I didn't warn you!

Anonymous said...

http://myespn.go.com/kingfelixadamjones4
I insist.

Dr. C said...

Anon,

The profile is too bare to really make fun of. He's mostly a Seattle guy with the deplorable choice of USC. Outside that and his choice words on making capital, there's really not much say. An average goofball at best.

whocares said...

if you are dumb enough to not see this is brilliant satire, i'm impressed you know how to use a computer

aa said...

As I write this post—longhandOffice 2010in a spiral notebook—I’m 20,000 feet above eastern Washington, having Microsoft Office 2010just crossed above the Cascades on my return flight Microsoft wordto Chicago. I visited Seattle for the weekend to Office 2007and I have known each other for 20 years now. They Microsoft Officehad a lovely ceremony, and the trip in general was fantastic.Microsoft Office 2007In the 13 years since I left Seattle, I’ve Office 2007 keyvisited six or seven times, and I always return to wherever has Office 2007 downloadOffice 2007 Professionalbecome home with mixed feelings about the place. It Outlook 2010both alarms and pleases me to see howMicrosoft outlookthat once-familiar areas seem almost foreign. ForMicrosoft outlook 2010neighborhoods have changed, to the point Windows 7 as have cookie-cutter, here-today-and-gone-tomorrow nightclubs that cater to the shiny shirt crowd.

Google