Friday, September 7, 2007

Opening Kickoff: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...literally

After waiting patiently all throughout the day, 7 o'clock finally came along, and I switched over to NBC.
I knew they were going to have an opening entertainment show before the game started, so I figured I would act as the entertainment critic.

John Cougar Mellencamp: I think he's actually dropped the nickname "Cougar". That must have been an easy decision for several reasons: A: He's from Bloomington, IN - home of Indiana Universtity - where there clearly are no cougars. B: Since the 06' ALDS, his newest song has been whored around on more Chevy commercials than Alyssa Milano has whored around with National Leaguers. C: When I think of the nickname "Cougar" I think about middle aged people trying to live out their sexual fantasies with young kids...oh yea remember that guy who used to play with Mellencamp?

Final Analysis and Grade: Cant go wrong when the local boy makes good: B

Faith Hill: I can't stand country music. I find nothing likeable about it, and have pretty much shunned it from my life whenever possibe. With that said, Faith Hill on mute, is fabulous. Mrs. McGraw is a MILF. She was only on for about 5 minutes, so I have no problem with her.

Final Analysis and Grade: No mute: D.Mute: B

In my mind, so far so real complaints. Then it's time to sing the national anthem and who comes in?

Keyshia Cole: ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME? The NFL is a billion dollar enterprise and the flagship of American sports, and you bring out Keyshia Fucking Cole? I'm still not convinced this wasnt actually Bobby Brown with a wig on. The whole time watching this train wreck I was thinking I'm about to see Ashton Kutcher pull off the most amazing episode of Punk'd ever. Nope. Fuck, she would have been better off on HBO's School of Hard Knocks. I'm convinced she could blow the hole up much better then Boomer Grigsby.
On top of that, her singing was awful, and I'm talking real bad. So fucking bad in fact, that the Ft. Wayne singing choir started to end 'Home of the Brave' before she was done wailing, and you could tell that really pissed her off.

Two big thumbs down to them, because her sorry ass Whitney Houston-wannabe singing didnt even belong in TNA Wrestling with Pacman.

Final Grade and Analysis: Z...20 grades lower then an F. I also hope whoever booked her got fired and is living in a van down by the river. I would have rather seen Ron Artest out there singing about Matt Lauer. Here: see for yourself.

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