Wow...Just Wow

Remember when you were a kid, and you were sitting with your friends at the lunch table showing off your baseball cards as if they were thoroughbred horses?

Fucking-A right you were proud of your 1990 Donruss collection. Delino DeShields, Bip Roberts, you fuckin' had'em all. You were a little Billy Beane; always trying to convince the kid next to you who smelled like diaper shit that trading away his Griffey rookie card for the entire Cubs battery was a great idea.

Remember? Of course you do! I'm sure it seems just like yesterday you were finishing your closing arguments that Damon Barryhill was an up-and-comer like fucking Matlock. Shit, you were even willing to throw in this good condition Mark Grace card!

Yeah, those were the times. Though we've grown older and had our baseball cards lost, trashed by parents, or whatever the circumstances; we have fantasy sports to make those preposterous trades now. Trade me Carlos Zambrano for Johnny Cueto. Come on man, Cueto struck out 10 in his first game!

You see, there's fun in doing that. It's so fucking stupid that it's funny! It will never work, but you tried anyways!

And that must be the reason why Chicago Tribune columnist like Mike Downey came out with an article today saying the Bears should trade Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre:.

I had an idea. The deal of the century. The deal of any century. The most talked-about trade in the history of trades.

Brian Urlacher for Brett Favre.

It would shock every NFL jock. It would be the biggest thing in football since George Halas was a Leatherhead.

What a whopper—54 for 4.

I love Urlacher, but he seemed unhappy with his contract, or at least he did until Monday's news that he had signed an extension.

I love Favre, but he is unhappy with his status.

Green Bay would get a linebacker who is only 30. His neck and back are not in mint condition, so who knows how many good years he has left?

Chicago would get a quarterback who is 38. He is a little gray and grizzly, yes, but even in his worst year he beats what the Bears have now.

It was win-win, baby.

I asked Burke Griffin what he thought.

You see that? What a fuckin' funny guy! He's comparing these two, and asking for approval...

But there's a problem here, Mike. See, you've got it the other way around. Your buddy Burke Griffin up in Green Bay should be selling you on this proposal. He should be telling why his Damon Barryhill is worth your Ken Griffey Jr.

And that's the point I'm making. Are you really that hard up for a column? I do this shit jokingly and I guess you were, too. But me, as the reader of the paper, don't need you to do this for me. I do it on my own on a daily basis.

Your job in case you forgot, is to fucking report. To bring your opinion as a columnist from your years of insight you have. Tell me shit I don't know. Bring me, the sports fan, NEWS.

This isn't news, nor opinion.

This is you fucking jacking off on your BlackBerry with laughter because this is rivalry-rebelrouser of an idea you have is actually going into print.

No, I guess 4 for 54 can't happen.

Isn't there something else the Bears could offer them for 4?

For starters, how about your genius fucking trade proposals? Next up, A.J. Hawk for Steve McNair! Oh wait, he's not playing anymore? Fuck it, it will make for great feedback!

Blow Up Dolls: Not as good as advertised

The controversy over the White Sox blow-up doll shenanigans appears to be boiling over into a full scale Chicago newspaper war.

Who would have thought that the media would blow up (no pun intended) a seemingly harmless story into a city-wide feud? Well they have.

It started when Carol Slezak, one of the Sun Times' pencil jockeys, penned a column bashing Ozzie Guillen, Kenny Williams and about half of the Sox batting order for pulling a Major League-like attempt at waking up their lousy bats.

The funny thing is, Slezak wasn't even at the fucking game in Toronto and yet she still felt the need as a woman, and as a "journalist", to call out the entire organization.

"I'm sure the players' moms, wives, sisters and daughters are really proud of them. Way to go, guys. And just so we're clear, the tired ''boys will be boys'' excuse no longer works."

I'm sure that the players' moms, wives, sisters, daughters and even their girlfiriends on the side could give two shits about what goes on in that locker room, because they're probably out spending the money that these guys are making for being pro ballplayers.

They're not working for the Peace Corps here for Christ's sake, they're baseball players, not priests. Hell, if they were priests they probably would have sprung for the 12-year-old boy doll complete with salty tears.

I'd keep going but Mike Downey, apparently on hiatus from his duties as Dennis Franz' body double, wrote a suprisingly witty and appropriate column in response to Slezak's piece today.



Downey points out the glaring hypocrisy of Slezak's words displayed on the same page as ads for hookers and other sleazy (not Slezak but I like where your head's at) smut that the "Chicago Scum-Times" runs on a daily basis.

"Sensitivity training" was one of the things the White Sox obviously need, according to the Sun-Times, the home of ads like this one in its Tuesday's sports pages:2 Girls—At Once! Feel the Youth."Schoolgirlfun.com took out that ad. I guess it must be part of a Sun-Times campaign to support girls doing their homework together for school."

Ouch. Do you hear that? It's the sound of the Tribune rubbing the Sun-Times' collective face into a huge pile of shit that they call a newspaper.

I don't see the harm in what the White Sox did with the blow up doll.

Sure they could have waited until they were within the confines of their own stadium, but honestly, is that really that offensive to women? It can't be nearly as offensive toward women as this is.

In other news both the Sox and the Cubs lost. Puppies are cute, the sky is blue and Vince Vaughn just got done snorting lines off of a 17-year old Russian prostitute named Svetlana. Now THAT'S how you offend women.