A Letter from Aaron Gray to Chicagoans

What do you do when your team has failed to fulfill nearly every expectation it set for itself? You have rookie center Aaron Gray write a letter. And not just a letter about the team's awful season, because that would just be a reminder of how disappointing the Bulls have been this year. No, we were treated to his entire life story.

In a letter sent out to Bulls ticketholders this morning, Gray spoke about everything from growing up in Pittsburgh to being selected by the Bulls and even about how he bought his mom a Louis Vuitton purse for Christmas.

"I didn't start playing basketball until the 9th grade (I was more of a football and baseball guy), and my career got off to a little bit of a rough start. In a preseason game my junior year, I hammered home an alley-oop and shattered the glass and broke the backboard. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital with 70 stitches in my face and a shattered ankle."

Good story Aaron. Please, tell it again! Who do you think you are, Shaq? This little anecdote really takes my mind off the fact the Bulls are about 10 wins shy of where they should be this season. Remember those 50-win projections? Yea, so do I. It gets better.

"Joe Smith and Ben Wallace have had such a huge influence on me during my rookie season, particularly with the mental approach to the game. Those guys are such great leaders and are so positive."

It was at this point that I knew that the letter had to have been written by a Public Relations official from the Bulls. If Aaron is really taking mental lessons from Ben Wallace he might as well start growing his dreadlocks now, because that is probably the LAST person I'd want Gray to be trying to emulate. I can understand Joe Smith because he's at least a solid character guy, but not Wallace.



What could he possibly be teaching him? How to get paid $60 million to record 5 rebounds a night and go 1-10 from the free throw line? Or is it how to quit on not one, but two coaches in one season. Wallace must have learned that one from his buddy Rasheed, the master of mental fuckups.

Last but not least, Gray flashes the metrosexual side and admits to buying a Louis Vuitton purse. No, it wasn't for him. It was for his mommy. Then he admits to being a simpleton who enjoys bowling and Texas Hold'Em. If Aaron wasn't 7-feet-tall I could totally see him as a High School gym teacher no problem.

The last paragraph is cute, but it's again complete bullshit.

"Finally, I just want to say thank you for being such great fans and being so supportive. I can tell you that every guy on this team cares a lot about each other and we're all committed to winning. We want to make you all proud.

Take care and I'll see you at the UC soon."

I'll believe that "care about each other and committed to winning" when players stop faking injuries and acting like fucking babies. A "sprained wrist" causing Ben Gordon to miss three straight is about the gayest thing I've heard since Militia growled on American Gladiators.


This season is officially fucked. I learned that Tuesday night as I watched Viktor Khryapa provide more offense ability than Luol Deng has all season. Rather than writing fucking letters and worrying about individual egos, these assholes need to grow some balls and start playing the intense, physical basketball that made them such a good team for the last two years. Then, and only then, will they begin to win some games.

Sitting On A Train for 3 Hours Instead of 40 Minutes Absolutely Sucks...

Quick Note: The first hit takes place at :14 seconds on the left, if you want, you can jump ahead to the :42 second mark to see the guy in the jacket's reaction when realizes train 2 is coming in for the kill

Alright, now that I've found the video above, let me paint the picture for you: So normal Monday night, I get to Union Station at 5:30 for the 5:45 express home. There's only two stops; Naperville and Route 59. I'm sitting on one of those side bench seats which sucks because you have little to no room. There's a woman my age sitting on my left, and no one to my right, which was nice. This gives me a little buffer zone, and the same for the girl on my right. Well, were about 10-15 minutes into the ride when we come to a complete halt. I figure it's nothing big, it happens every now and then. 5 minutes goes by. 10 minutes goes by. Finally, the conductor comes on over the speaker: "As some of you may have heard, a car has been struck by two trains in Hinsdale. We have no idea beyond that much at this point. If there was a fatality involved we could be here awhile". Wow, this is going to blow I'm thinking to myself. So it's been about 25 minutes overall since leaving the station, when this fat fucking foreigner comes and plops himself into the tiny bench seat next me, claiming most anything that I could call my own space. He smells like onions. Then he opens his mouth:



HE IS VIGGO!!!! Remember Dr. Janosz Poha from Ghostbusters 2? I personally didn't remember the character's name, but I do remember that annoying fucking voice. That's what he sounded like. Come to think of it, he kinda looked like the guy too, adding on a deuce and a half. This motherfucker had the most annoying ringtone to go along with it, sounding like some medieval snake charming shit. A: It was loud B: Every time the phone rang (at least a dozen times in less in then an hour and a half) he would act like he just got hit with a fucking cattle rod. I wish I had one at that point, then we'd see how starling it really was.

Anyways, I'm normally supposed to get to my stop at 6:25. I got home instead at 9:10. Boy was I salty. I ended up chit-chatting with the girl next to me; she was nice, about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Anyways, about the dude who pulled the stunt in the Youtube above: He's some 72 year old polock (NO, YOU GOTTA BE JOKING RIGHT?!) who was wasted. He got his car stuck, but luckily for him somebody came up to his SUV and got him out before the ole Grim Reaper came calling. The best was reading through this article yesterday and taking a look at the comments...

"Bob from Aurora: It's Darwinism, let him die next time"

Bob..you read my mind.

A YouTube Day Eh?

My partner in blogging and usually in drinking, Dr. C has posted a YouTube clip today featuring a band that's name is quite punctual since Valentine's Day is coming up. I think that's about the only compliment I can give them because I listened to about half of the song and realized that these kids were probably the fags who acted hardcore and tough Friday-Sunday while Monday-Friday they were training to become Eagle Scouts and watching Anime.

I'm not trying to one-up my buddy's band preferences because we usually share the same opinions on music but I really can't get into the modern MTV version of metal. It just sounds a little to contrived for my tastes. I rarely listen to new bands because I just assume that they all sucks nowadays.

Anyway, here's a clip that I thought would do nicely. I love Steve Vai and this song makes frequent appearances on my ipod. Not to mention I think this might be the inspiration for Blue Man Group. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from TV. "Tobias: Oh, no, no. I’m not in the group yet. No, I’m afraid I just blue myself."

Enjoy Steve Vai jerks. Watch for the crazy solo around 4:30 and lots and lots of amazingly creepy faces from Vai, who fucking rocks this song.

Sorry, I'm Lazy Today

There's nothing I really feel like posting about. I couldn't agree more with Fornelli at Foul Balls that I won't be missing Johan Santana. Even with him gone, I doubt that will equate to much for the Sox this season. On the other hand, I don't want to go into the season already writing them off; I'll wait til the end of May to do that. Anyways, I leave you with Scream, Aim, Fire from Bullet For My Valentine. If you haven't heard them before, check'em out. I enjoy the triplets on the main riff.

Bulls/Timberwolves - Tickets Still Available!

Who would have thought that two teams with a combined record of 25-61 would fail to fill a stadium with fans? Forget the fact that there are 11 teams who currently have more than 25 wins on their own, who wouldn't want to show up and watch the exciting matchups that are going to be on display tonight? I mean, look at the starting lineups that these two storied teams are throwing out there tonight:

Probable Bulls Starters
Guard 12 Kirk Hinrich 6-3 | 190
Guard 2 Thabo Sefolosha 6-7 | 215
Forward 5 Andrés Nocioni 6-5 | 225
Forward 32 Joe Smith 6-10 | 225
Center 3 Ben Wallace 6-9 | 240

Probable Timberwolves Starters
Guard 3 Sebastian Telfair 6-0 | 175
Guard 55 Marko Jaric 6-7 | 224
Forward 1 Rashad McCants 6-4 | 210
Forward 8 Ryan Gomes 6-7 | 250
Center 25 Al Jefferson 6-10 | 265

I won't go into detail about the Bulls "starters" because it's so much easier to go after the crap the T-Wolves are throwing out there these days.

Holy fuck...Sebastian Telfair AND Marko Jaric? I think I just shat my pants with excitement. I mean, who hasn't seen 'Through the Fire'? Personally, I thought that director Jonathan Hock failed to capture the true nature of what really was pushing Sebastian Telfair to skip college and enter the NBA Draft.

Everyone knows it was obviously not the money, fame, or limitless endorsements.

Sebastian is simply too good for the likes of college basketball and was clearly ready to make the jump to the NBA, where he has really had a chance to show his seemingly limitless talent on the highest level.

Is everyone picking up what I'm laying down so far? It's called sarcasm people. I think it was invented by Norm McDonald. Note to self: Sebastian Telfair is as good at basketball as I am at sex.

The only player that I actually like, and by like I mean absolutely love is Al Jefferson. His 21 and 12 would do wonders on the Bulls that only Tyrus Thomas can dream of while getting another fucking tribal tattoo. I really wanted the Bulls to go after him when Boston was shopping him last year but NO, who needs a 6'10 forward who's only 23 and can score with his back to the basket? Why would anyone want him when we can send out Thomas or Ben Wallce, surely they can score. Jesus Christ sometimes I wonder if John Paxson's horribly gay middle name prevents him from sacking up and making a goddamn trade.

Oh, and let's not forget Rashard McCants, who is a neverending reminder of the tragic end to an otherwise magical 2004-05 Illinois season. I hope McCants calls up Sean May on the way to the game tonight and they both end up like ex-Bull Jay Williams. Actually, make that a 3-way conversation between those two and the fucking ref from the National Championship game. You fucked us right in the ass buddy, I hope whatever they paid you was worth it.

Final score: Bulls: 89 Timberwolves: 83 Me: drunk before halftime.

It's Now or Never For The 'Hawks

As we head to the second half of the NHL season, I've decided to focus more of my attention on the Blackhawks instead of the Bulls until they make some sort of trade. I honestly cannot stand watching the Bulls at this point. Nothing they do warrants my attention. Call it being a fair-weather fan if you want, but I would rather watch a 3 hour documentary on the history of bridge building for all I give a fuck. I have a feeling you can count on Noce to handle your Bulls thoughts; so with that in mind, let's take a look at the highs and lows of the season thus far.

EMERGENCE OF KANE AND TOEWS: The 07' number one pick and the 06' number three pick have been an awesome combination to watch thus far despite Toews having been out the past few weeks with a knee injury. Despite the injury, Toews is still third among all rookies with 32 points, while Kane leads with 45. While Kane only has 12 goals, he has 33 assists, which puts him 15th in the league overall. Kane has shown a great ability to set up his teammates, with guys like Bobby Lang and Patrick Sharp benefitting. The goals will catch up as he gets older, but he's shown instant impact on a team that struggles to score at times. The Hawks will need Toews to get healthy soon to contribute.

THE OFFENSIVE DEFENSEMEN: Brent Seabrook, Brent Sopel, Duncan Keith and Dustin Byfuglien have been playing great on the opponents side of the ice, contributing 69 points, which is 12 more then the combo of Tuomo Ruutu, Jason Williams, Marty LaPointe and Rene Bourque. It's pretty sad to consider that lack of offense from your forwards, considering Ruutu was a former first round pick in 01'. While LaPointe is slowing down, and Bourque missed 14 games due to a broken thumb, Ruutu was billed to be alot more then he has shown. Marty Havlat needs to stay healthy and Ruutu needs to pick it up. The kids can't do it by themselves.

STAGNANT OFFENSE: The Blackhawks were 19-15-3 heading into this month before going 0-6-1 to start January. They currently sit at 23-23-4, which puts them 6 points out of the final spot for the playoffs. The reason for their slump this month is their inability to consistently score. During that 7 game streak, the Hawks scored only 12 goals. Now on the year, they rank 17th in Goals scored per game. However, in 5 on 4 situations, they're 27th. In 5 on 5, they're ranked 23rd. Not having Toews and Havlat have hurt, but they need more production from their forwards to carry them forward if they are to make the postseason this year.



THE 'BULIN WALL IS BROKE: Talk about a waste of money. The guy is 25th in the wins, 29th in GAA (2.77) and 36th in Save PCT. (90%). While Patrick Lalime's Save PCT isn't much better (90.8%), in my opinion he's been slightly more consistent. Yeah it sucks that the goalies aren't getting much goal support, but they know they need to keep the score low if they are to win, and cannot have games like the 9-2 ass-kicking from a worse L.A. Kings team.

LOOKING AHEAD: The schedule doesn't start off nicely for the Hawks, as they start on a seven game road trip with every team having a better record then them (which isn't hard when you're in last place of your division). In fact, they only play 3 home games in the entire month of February. Savvy's called out his team to "commit to the Indian". In reality, they should be commiting to the offense. It's obvious they're not going to get steady play from Khabibulin; so it will be on them to win games instead of holding on to them. It should be interesting to watch.

This team is about a year or two from being serious contenders, but it sure as hell beats watching a lifeless Bulls team.

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

That's right, kids! It's that time of the week where we delve into the depths of the 'Leader' to expose the people who:
A: Post the dumbest thoughts/ideas known to the sports world.
B: Are the reason why most of the Arab world would like us dead.
C: Make me sad I breathe the same air as they do.

Yes, it's those zany ESPN Members. While we've been putting gentlemen in their place, it's time to spread equal rights to the women as well. You wanted Suffrage? You got it. Equal pay? Not quite there yet. A chance to be equal to men? Well, in terms of how much you blow, then yes. Without further adieu, I present you with a woman who certainly knows her way around the T.G.I. Friday's bar scene: ZELYNDA.



My first impressions of Zelynda are:

A: The ideal spokeswoman for American Spirit Cigarettes;
B: Still yearns for a Sexual Encounter with a certain Latino Wrestler despite his death.
C: Is considering Plastic Surgery

Zelynda enjoys a wide variety of sports; ranging from Shooting to Equestrianism Is that even a fucking word? To Zelynda, that answer is an obvious yes! However, one of the sports is something I'm not familiar with: Ultimate. Ultimate what, you dumb bitch? Ultimate Frisbee? Ultimate Tampax Relays? Please inform, I'm lost.

In terms of teams, Zelynda is no one horse team, if you know what I mean. Miami, Oakland, Denver, Baltimore, and Washington, not to mention Ohio State (you would) and Louisiana. One can draw many conclusions from this, but I'll take a stab at the NFL teams.

Miami: She still has a restraining order from Dan Marino after she sent him Isotoner gloves filled with KY Jelly suggesting he slip it in her soon.
Oakland: Was once raped by a biker gang. Got mad when none of the boys called her a week later
Denver: She was the woman Cal saw in 40-year old virgin during the horse show in Tijuana.
San Diego, Baltimore, Washington: Cities she's seen Bon Jovi in, barred from Washington D.C. for Bestiality.

The next time you're Reno, stop by the craps table to find Zelynda, as she works in a Casino. Ok timeout. Would you place your bets with this cumdumpster? Yeah, neither would I. She probably sneaks chips in the bookshelf of a vag of hers.

In closing, Zelynda parts with these words: I believe the best tool to use when measuring your success in life is your own yard stick!

Zelynda, do us a favor and keep your yardstick in your pants, you groupie-fucking, horsecock craving, too many fucking NFL teams to list, chip stealing Cunt.

PS LeeAnn Womack Sucks...bitch.