An Open Notice To Orlando Cabrera

Dear Orlando,

I went to the Chicago White Sox baseball game at 35th and Shields on the south side of the city on Sunday. It was cold out, and I was hung over from too many Jack and Cokes the night before. I was excited to go my first game of the year and see you and Swisher out in the field. The opening song came on with all the highlights through the year which gave me goosebumps as usual (the shaking part I attribute to booze). Anyways, I was pretty sure before you came up to the plate you might go with a little salsa music like Jose Valentin used to do. Who knows. Then you hit with me it. You had to go and choose this song as your at bat introduction:

Absolutely fucking awful. The McDonalds of rock bands. Fucking Canadians. I'm no longer you buddy, guy. You've been fucking up my fantasy team too, which makes me even more upset. Outside a homerun that put the Sox up for a win over the Tigers, you're dead to me. Change your music and start hitting. Then we'll talk.

No longer yours truly,

Dr. C

Mark Cub-an To Visit Wrigley Tonight

With no more playoff basketball to worry about, it appears that Douchebag Extraordinaire Mark Cuban will be heading to Wrigley tonight to curse watch the Cubs and Brewers. Since it appears that Tribune Owner Sam Zell is leaning towards a deal to sell the Cubs to the state, I don't really think it matters what bullshit the dummy tries to pull by heading to the game. He'd probably make a good owner in terms of treating the players right with all the nice amenities and such, but have you seen what he's done with the Mavericks? Jack fucking shit, that's what. Who really gives a shit if they go to playoffs every year? They never get anywhere (but if you think about it, that would be perfect for the Cubs fans since they're so used to it; he's the perfect potential owner!). I don't think thats a direct indictment on Cuban, but at the same time he keeps trudging the same old bullshit out on the court to disappoint season after season. If want to get somewhere other getting your ass handed to you by New Orleans and Golden State, do something about it. Firing Avery Johnson doesn't solve much. Maybe he could give Jim Boylan a call...Anyways...

How much you wanna bet if they announce Cuban being at the Cubs game that the Wrigleyville crowd starts screaming his name and cheering? Just like they did when I was on my way to Sluggers last year and everyone was chanting Jason Kendall's name after the game was over because they had just acquired him in a trade. Seriously, how did that turn out? And while were betting, how much you want to bet some more these pictures turn up after he leaves the game and heads to Red Ivy?

This chick could give a dog a bone..keep it cool, Mark...think about chairs or something

Giggity Giggity Giggity..heh, allllright

New Bears QB Nick Hill: An In-Depth Look

Have to say I was pretty happy with Bears draft overall. If they picked Mendenhall instead of Williams I would have been unbelieavbly pissed. You're not going to run the ball to any amount of success without displaced Fred "Why won't my feet move?" Miller. I would have prefered to see them draft Ray Rice instead of Forte, but I'll let the offensive drafting guru that isn't Jerry Angelo have a chance to prove himself on this one. Well, as you know the Bears passed on chances of selecting a Brian Brohm, a Josh Johnson and a slew of others, they did pick up two QB's after the Radio Hall Bonanza. And seeing as how I covered the Saluki football team inside and out for four years, yours truly watched Nick Hill in person for a full year (his junior year). I'll break it down for you with some strengths and weaknesses that are backed by what I saw.

STRENGTHS:
- First and foremost, Hill can move in the pocket very well. Unlike the Sex Cannon or Jack Daniels, Hill has a good feel for area around him when things start to collapse, and has no problem gaining positive yards with his feet. He's got above average speed and is athletic enough to break what would look like a 3 yard gain into something like 15, which is something Bears fans haven't seen in oh say 30 years. Hill was also on the basketball team; he originally got a scholarship to Western Kentucky for Hoops, but transferred to SIU after a year there. Hill only really got garbage time, but it goes to show he's pretty talented.

- While he is a lefty, he throws pretty acurately when he sets his feet. On the move, not as much, but still decent. Keep in mind though, that while the Gateway conference in Div 1-AA (still refuse to join this FCS/FBS Bullshit) is arguably the best overall; it's not even in the realm of the Big Ten.

- The guy is definitely a leader on the field. Unlike Grossman who gives stupid ass smirks no matter what happens, Hill has the demeanor that he expects you to run your routes without stopping, finish blocks, and make the extra effort.

WEAKNESSES:
- As I mentioned, he doesn't have great accuracy on the move. I can think of a couple times in different games where he had a man wide open and either threw it at his feet or a little over his head. While he was much more accurate then previous QB Joel Sambursky and had better arm strength to the out patterns, he's not going to throw a 60 yard strike on the money. I would say anything within 40-45 yards would be his range of being able to get a good ball in a tight window. That would worry me too with Hester on the field. If Hester can break away, Hill may not be able to hit in stride, and while the receiver is generally at better odds with an underthrown ball then a cornerback, a safety playing over the top would nullify that play quickly.

- I wouldn't so far as to say the guy is streaky, but he does need to establish himself in the passing game early. Now, Hill's completion has always been high (64-68% range) but these aren't intricate reads here. You don't really have to hold a Missouri State Safety in place to lock on to your primary receiver on an inside slant route. That's why he's going to struggle with the speed in training camp.

OVERALL:
Hill was a great SIU quarterback that took the torch from Sambursky and carried it well for two years. As I stated before, his mobility is a huge plus for him because he can pick up a second and three and keep the chains moving. Character wise, I found Hill to always be pleasant; whether be after a loss, or even at Pinch on a Friday night. However, I don't know if he has the complete tools to make it happen on the next level. His arm strength was good enough for Div 1-AA, and probably good enough for the Big Ten, but the NFL...I don't think so. The intanigbles? Yeah, he's got a competitor spirit in him that doesn't fuck around and wants to win. I think if he were to be in the system for at least two years, he could make a case in his third year of the 3-year contract he signed. No matter what happens, I'll be pulling for my fellow alum. Good luck, Nick...you'll need it.

HOLY SHIT I WANT OUT OF WORK

KILL ME NOW...WHY AM I STILL STUCK HERE??!

Bank on It: Bulls Will Sign Larry Brown

(Bulls, You are my Rock of Love)

With Larry Brown resigning as the 76'ers Philadelphia's executive vice president Thursday despite the team still being in the playoffs, make no doubt about it this is who John Paxson should get to run the Bulls. And Larry feels the same, hence him leaving the organization at this point. The only the vacancies to this point are complete garbage, and would take a while to turn around. The Bulls? Only a season removed from 49 wins and a second round playoff exit. To me, Brown wants in now so he can start molding the team as he sees fit to run his offense.

Honestly, there's no better coaching option out there then Brown, and his resume which I documented earlier shows that. I think both sides need each other as well. The Bulls need someone who has creditibility that can instantly earn the players respect. Boylan the Band-Aid aka Nikita Khrushchev came in trying to be a positive priscilla as opposed to the Skiles Negative Nancy act, and in return had Tyrus Thomas skipping practice when he felt like it and Duhon flying off to Durham without saying a word to anybody. There was too much lack of confidence in the team as a whole, which all started with the coaching staff. The defense that grinded down opponents became a lazy who gives a shit if we lose reoccurance. The Bulls need someone who can balance both personalities, and Brown's shown the ability to do that.

For Brown, being outsed in the Shithole of a situation that was and is still the Knicks is not how he obviously wanted to go out. With the Bulls, he'll get to exact a little revenge on his past two coaching stops as well as be in an ideal situation with backing from Pax to do things his way. While I dont think they have the current pieces in place to contend with the Celtics or Detroit, they're still much younger then both of those teams, and with the right personnel could get to the Eastern Conference Finals within a 3 year span. I know that's hard to imagine given how fucking awful they were, but the elements of a winning team still exist.

The Bulls would have to be stupid not to sign Brown, and Brown would be stupid to think that he can change Miami, Memphis or Charlotte. This is a win-win situation. Paxson, don't fuck this up.

A Little Early Weekend Metallica

So normally I would post some weekend Metallica tomorrow if Steg or Trunk didn't, but I have to post this after seeing what happens at the 2:33 second mark. Apparently, Metallica was being too fucking awesome, and you can actually see this guys brain melt because of greatness. I think the verbatim in his head was: This is fucking awesome..awesome..oh shit here comes the solo..brain..melting..awesomeness. This is too funny. I've already re-watched 3 times and I'm still laughing.

Pitching a Perfect Game Is a Daunting Task, Work Will Have To Wait

Bullpen Blast
If you choose to play, you contemplate selling your soul to the devil to get 27 outs.

I'll be honest: this game is really not that fun. But once you get about 6 outs away from the throwing the perfect game, it's not about fun anymore. There's no more fucking around. It took me 5 months of off and on playing to finally record 27 outs. I remember jumping up at my desk, and my boss thought I landed a huge deal. When I explained to her I finally pitched a perfect game, she said: So that's going to help you hit your quota? No you dumb cunt, did you hear me? I don't think you did. I just got 5 fucking months of frustration, anger, grief and anguish off my back. So go suck a dick. Of course she instead had a banana because she was/still could be a virgin.

If you're board, give it a try. You have 4 pitches at your arsenal: Fastball, Sinker, Knuckle and Curve. The Knuckle is a bitch that always ends up at some point in the seats, so use it sparingly. My boss might be gone for awhile, so I would expect so more posting from here over at least for the course of the week. That is all, and DJ still make want to hunt down a fucking beagle.

Chris Singleton Debuts On Baseball Tonight, Surprisingly Doesn't Suck Too Bad

Royals....and the White Sox....tied....four to four....in the top of the sixth....Holy Shit was Singleton awful on the radio. His pauses were awkward, his insight horrible, his ability to carry on a conversation with Farmer: fucking god awful. Yet with the infinite wisdom over at the 'Leader, they hired him immediately. Amazingly, Singleton hasn't left me with much to take issue with thus far. I watched the entire program on Sunday night, and while he seemed to pick and choose when to come up with a "dynamite drop-in, Monty" he did alright. I guess when you only have to hear little snip-its of him talk, it's not too bad.

Stone and Farmer have been a good listen thus far. Stoney provides actual insight and tells you what to expect, which is the exact opposite of Singleton's style of speech/thought. While "analysts" like Emmitt Smith will make Singleton seem like the voice of God, I'm still not sold on him in Bristol. Just wait until they have him do some work on their left field fundamentals desk. Next thing you know, you'll be hearing more of....when you go....to lay down a bunt....you want to grab the bat....and put it....on the ball.

Kudos to 670 the Score for making Sox games listenable again. Now if Comcast could just find a way to kill DJ. This stupid fucking nickname "O-Do-Tel" makes want to strangle a homeless beagle. So I ask you: who's worse, Singleton or DJ???

Nice Pitch, Asshole

Strikes out Jeter only to serve the finest meat to Abreu. As a result, my remote control is now broken. Kill Yourself.

PS: Noce is in Vegas, so it will be just me posting the rest of the week...oh wait, I'm the only one who does shit for this blog? Nevermind, more of the same!!!

Benny The Bull: Possible Steriod Abuser and Chicago Mascot Crime Boss

For your next chapter in Benny The Bull v. Chicago Police Department, I submit to you this story today from the Chicago Tribune:

A Naperville dentist called a flagrant foul on Chicago Bulls' mascot Benny the Bull on Monday, suing the team over a high-five gone awry.

Dr. Don Kalant Sr. alleged he was sitting near courtside on Feb. 12 when he raised his arm to get a high-five from Barry Anderson, who portrays the exuberant mascot in a bright red fuzzy costume.

But Kalant, an oral surgeon, may now wish he had settled for a fist-bump instead.

Instead of merely slapping Kalant's palm, Anderson grabbed his arm as he fell forward, hyperextending Kalant's arm and rupturing his biceps muscle, according to the lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court.

So let's see here...Benny has been arrested for dealing 6 ounces of weed in 2004, battery at the taste of Chicago in 2006, and now has apparently gone back to drugs by ripping someone's arm out of their socket instead of high fiving them. Which leads to this question: Is this really the fucking guy you want on Dora the Explorer?

He already has drug connections, but now you're going to now equip him with spanish to make some deals with the Latin Kings?


It's only a matter of time before he consolidates his chokehold on the Chicago mascot underground. Word in the streets is he's already got the union sealed thanks to the Chicago Rush Mascot Grabowski, an apparently Polish construction worker. Meanwhile, he has Sparky of the Chicago Fire as his capo in the streets. It's only a matter of time before he betrays his Reinsdorfian partner Southpaw to take on Staley for control of the city...Staley, you've been warned.

Fuck Fuck Fuck

Welcome to my new column when I get severly pissed off when the White Sox lose called Fuck Fuck Fuck, staring yours truly, Dr. C. Most of these columns will be fueled with complete fucking anger towards someone on the Sox with Miller Lite and other alcohol additives contributing. This blog was started in September of aut seven (I'm a fan of the aut, don't like it? GO FUCK A DEAD DONKEY RIDDLED WITH SALMONELLA AND BITING GNATS). That said, GO FUCK YOURSELF BOONE LOGAN YOU COCKSMOKING, NO BALLS IN BIG SITUATIONS HACK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THROW COMPLETE BULLSHIT TO THE SHIT ASS HITTERS OF THE AIDS-RIDEN ORIOLES????!!! UN-FUCKING REAL! Holy shit. Bobby Jenks needs some the blame for blowing a 5-3 lead, but it's bound to happen (FUCKIN' AJ, HOW DO YOU NOT TELL HIM TO THROW FUCKIN FASTBALLS TO MORA WHEN BRIAN ROBERTS JUST LIT HIS ASS UP FOR A CURVEBALL?!) FUCK FUCK FUCK! Anyone who tells me to fucking calm down for them being 9-6 with 151 games to go does not qualify themselves in my book as a true diehard Sox fan. FUCK FUCK FUCK! If you gave me your pet kitty to pet right now I would fucking clock in the face until I heard a satisfying death moan. Not a meow, a fucking mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. With your first FUCK FUCK FUCK post, and probably many more to follow, this is Dr. C...really pissed off and probably hating myself tomorrow morning when I read this at work because I continued to polish off the rest of the Miller Lite case I split with Noce this past Saturday night.

No Words Needed

Please kill yourself.

The Frustrated Faces of Tiger..Thoughts Included

After hopping on CNNSI.com as I usually do each morning, I couldn't help but notice under the photos section "Frustrated Faces of Tiger Woods". Yes, the bell starting ringing immediately in my head...This will be a combined effort.



Noce: "If I don't make this fucking birdie putt, Elin's getting in her ass tonight."
Dr. C: "Of all the rotten times to shart...why now?!"



Noce: "You must be this tall to blow me."
Dr. C: "Do you see what happens, Larry?! Do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?"



Noce: "Goddamnit, I knew these mock turtleneck things make me look gay"
Dr. C: "A hundred and seventy feet to the hole? Fuck me running!"



Noce: I have to work..I'm not doing this anymore.
Me: Thank you for your three quote contribution. Looks like I'm going solo here
Dr. C: "I give up...maybe the world really does need ditch diggers, too."



Dr. C: "Christ Mickelson, can't you wait two more fucking holes to get Nachos in the clubhouse..I mean look at your shirt."

Happy Friday: Chicago Bull Salutes Wesley Willis

From Wikipedia: Wesley Willis (May 31, 1963 – August 21, 2003) was a musician and artist from Chicago. A diagnosed schizophrenic, he gained a sizable cult following in the 1990s after releasing several hundred songs of unique but simple music, with emphasis on his humorous, bizarre stream-of-consciousness lyrics.
Not much is known about Wesley's childhood, however it is documented in Chicago Department of Children and Family Services records that Willis and his siblings spent most of their childhoods in various foster homes. Wesley was a large man, standing 6'6" (198 cm) and weighing 350 lb (160 kg).

In 1989, Willis began hearing what he called "demon voices" and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He often mentioned that his demons were named "Heartbreaker," "Nervewrecker," and "Meansucker". He called his psychotic episodes "hell rides". Alternatively, he declared rock and roll to be "the joy ride music" and Willis often indicated that listening to and performing music helped him battle the voices.On August 21, 2003, at the age of 40, Willis died due to complications from chronic myelogenous leukemia. A memorial service for him was held on August 27th, in Chicago, Illinois.

At the time of his death, he had recorded over 1,000 songs but his total life savings were less than $300. Having sold out hundreds of venues across the country, the question still remains where all of Willis' money went. In a Howard Stern interview, it was mentioned that Willis would receive as much as a $10,000 advance for the production of an album, and that he would then earn a portion of the money received from album sales and live shows.


One of my friends in high school went to go see Willis in concert downtown, but Willis got stoned before the show, and was too scared to go out and play in front of a live crowd. If you've never heard Wesley Willis before...you're in for a treat. Enjoy.

Cut The Mullet:


Rock 'N Roll McDonalds: (The dorks in this are quite funny)


Arnold Schwarzenegger: (Goes to show his "cult" status)


Birdman Kicked My Ass:

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

Yes, it's been awhile since we delved into the beer-fueled intelligence one can only gain from ESPN Members, but it's back. After scrolling through the message boards, and leap-frogging from profile to profile, I stumbled upon today's participant which reminded me of something I forgot I fucking hated: people from the south who think the SEC is "God's conference". Is the SEC is best overall football conference every year generally? Yes, I would say so. Is the ACC the best overall basketball conference from top to bottom every year? Maybe a couple years ago I would agree with that, but the Big East is much deeper.

Anyways, enough of my jackass opinion, let's rip this motherfucker. I give you, 755Club

What intially attracted my attention to this profile from "Len" was the picture you see to your right. Here's the link so you too can see the seizure I'm having a result of pic: http://myespn.go.com/755club Ok, I like the movie too. But why not just put a picture Edward Norton kicking the shit out of himself? How about Marla Singer having not been fucked like that since grade school? Something other then your fucking Mickey Mouse Joseph and the Technicolor dreamcoat visuals here.

"WE ARE A PART OF AN OR-AN-GE NATION"

No, just you are, you fucking dog-raping, Jeff Gordon supporting, Busch Light drinking, Wrangler wearing, Jeff Foxworthy listenin', King of the Hill wathcing, Squirrel is a mighty fine meal procliaming Dipshit. Leave we out. Add in I. No problems with me commences. Moving On.

As you can see, our friend here is quite a fan of his fantasy sports. I will never begrudge anyone of that, but I do recommened if you have his profile up to hold your arrow over the WTC icon. HE FUCKING PARTICIPATED IN WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PICK'EM 2005. Holy shit...I've seen it all. I mean, wow. I guess the fabulous game of "who can cum in blind Ol' Elroy the dogs eye first" got old for a week or two.

His sports moments are fine until we reach: The Tackle: Jones tackles Dyson 1 yd short of game tying TD to win Super Bowl XXXIV @ the GA Dome. If you're a fucking Tennessee fan, how do you not like the Titans? And you'd rather support the Rams? I can't stand people who can root for a fucking state themed college but not their pro team. Makes me want to find Ol' Elroy. PS..you would consider yourself a Cubs fan.

I will however give him two small acknowledgements: for having Racquet Ball as one of his favorite sports and listing his occupation as a NASCAR test chimp. I don't know why I find that slightly amusing. I think these fuckers are starting to get to me.

FAVORITE TEAMS: Atlanta Falcons, Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee, Atlanta Braves, Georgia Tech, St. Louis Rams, Green Bay Packers, Georgia, LSU, Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Cubs, Atlanta Thrashers.

"Len" is from Atlanta, so I absolve him of the Georgia teams. The Colts, Cowboys and Cubs have their bandwagon douchebags, so I don't have a huge problem here, either. However, rooting for the Packers and Rams...let's just say I'd like to rip off his fingernails and pour 10W40 down his throat for that one. Inexcusable.

The "in 755 words" section is absolute mindless drivel, so I won't even waste my time. However, he does have a recent blog post that must be shared:

Gas? Liquid? Nope...SOLID

The Stanford team pushed the Lady Vols to the limit [and overtime even] way back when they had to beat them in a non-con that no one expected to be a preview of the Finals. Yet the rematch was OWNED by the Tennessee TEAM. Not a Candice vs. Candace showdown that all the media wanted, but a solid TEAM effort, including above-and-beyond performances by the roomies, "Lil Bit" and "aN Oh Cee Kay"

CP did throw her fubar shoulder into the mix, but it was the TEAM effort (absent for so many recent games) that solidified the confetti.

Ladies, that was restaurant-quality lemonade

Please re-read that last line. Someone ship this motherfucker to western Pakistan wearing his bright orangle coat to mix with the locals. I'd like to see what fucking lemonade comes out his pants when they start boiling him alive.

Who Really Saw This Coming?

If you told me the White Sox would be in first place after the opening week of baseball, I probably would have laughed in your face. Opening on the road at Cleveland followed by Detroit? Considering what they looked like last year, I would have said they'd lucky to fininsh 2-4. But it's apparent with the on-the-field product what everyone is starting to say: These aren't your 2007 White Sox. Granted, it's only seven games in, but even the players and coaches are acknowledging it,

"I don't know if I ever seen a team fighting this hard in every at-bat. They're getting after it". - Greg Walker

So far, the Jon Garland-for-Orlando Cabrera swap is paying off for Kenny Williams, as Garland got his ass lit up by the Texas Rangers in last start: 5 IP, 8H, 7 ER, 2 HR's. Now, he did pitch well in the first game: 8 IP, 6H, 1ER; but he only has 2K's thus far. While I'm not totally sold the deal is going to pay off in the long run considering Cabrera is 33, there's no question he makes the Sox better both defensively and offensively.

As for the Swisher trade, you can consider that one an official raping of Billy Beane. Swisher is hitting his peak at 27, and has this remaining as his contract:

- $3.5 million in 2008,
- $5.3 million in 2009,
- $6.75 million in 2010 and
- $9 million in 2011.
- The club holds a $10.25 million for 2012, with a $1 million buyout.

In other words, locked up for dirt fucking cheap through 2012. What about Gio Gonzalez and Fautino De Los Santos? Gonzalez is at AAA Sacramento, where is 0-0 with a 3 ERA after one start. De Los Santos is in High A at Stockton, where he's 0-1 also with a 3 ERA after pitching 6 Inn. The trade kinda reminds me of when the Sox dealt a package that included their top outfield prospect, Jeremy Reed to get Freddy Garcia from the Mariners. Where's Reed? AAA Tacoma hitting .273 along side former Sox first basemen Greg Norton.

The point is this: It sucks to trade away your young talent, and eventually it will hurt you, but trading for proven commodities is something that will usually go your way. All of the Jeremy Reeds, Joe Borchards and Royce Ring's usually don't amount to jack shit. Garcia was crucial to the Sox winning in 05'. Swisher is crucial in OBP, and providing a little something in the clubhouse that was missing last year: Accountability.

Yes, these Sox needed a fucking wake-up call from the lackluster summer before to remind them that this club can still get the job done. And it's needs to do so sooner then later. While I'm still realistic that it's an aging ballclub that could fall apart at any time, it's nice to finally have something that hasn't shown up in at least year in this, our Chicago sports scene: Hope.

You Know You're Getting Old When...

You go to bed with 3 minutes left in the game. That's right...I chose sleep. The Chalmers shot which I watched thanks to Youtube here at work was pretty crazy, but the overtime looked like it was all Kansas, so did I really miss that much? I'm leaning towards no.

I did enjoy watching the Chicago products play each other, though. Sherron Collins was all in D-Rose's face the entire night which hampered Rose to just 3 points in the first half. While Chalmers shot earned him the Most Outstanding Player award (Noah won that two years in 06', how's that looking on the NBA floor?) , it was Collins who really deserved something for shutting down the guy who no one could stop in the tourney.

I could really give a shit about all the talk with Rose's "Gummi Bear" diet. Noce lives on sour punch kids, and while he doesn't play 40 games of basketball in a 6 month span, he manages. I don't buy that shit. What I do buy, is the fact that his nerves got to him in the beginning, which made him so tenative.

One final thing before I leave you with the highlights to the last minutes of the game and overtime in case you, like me decided to say fuck it. If you've listened to the Mike North Morning Show, you've heard Mike DeCourcy from the Sporting News claim "free throws are the most overrated thing in the tournament". I thought the whole argument was bullshit to begin with. Think Douglas-Roberts and Rose would tell you otherwise? Fuck and No.

I know I didn't do jack shit yesterday; after Crede's awesome fucking slam that prompted me to yell while being on the train, I'll have some more coming up soon!

Countdown To The NFL Draft

The NFL draft is quite the paradox. On one hand, there's tons of excitement over who each team might draft with visions of landing the next game-changing back such as a Purple Jesus. Teams also draft in hopes of getting a franchise quarterback such as Cade McN..wait..nevermind. Which leads to the other side of the coin. It's been widely known that 80% of the first round picks will be complete busts. If you're the Bears, that number would be more like 98% (see: Cedric Benson, Michael Haynes, Marc Columbo, David Terrell, the forementioned McDumbfuck, Curtis Enis, Walt Harris, Rashaan Salaam, John Theirry, Alonzo Spellman, Stan "False Start Offense Number 60" Thomas).

Anyways, I think you get the point. Over the past 30 years, the Bears have only drafted three offensive lineman, and only one turned out a good career: Keith Van Horne in '81. This year needs to bring the fourth. As much as I would like the Bears to draft someone like Rashard Mendenhall or Johnathan Stewart, the offense will be complete dick if there's no holes opened up for the running game or protection for either the Terrorist or the Beard.

However, I think the Bears do need to use their second round pick (#44) for another back. It will obviously depend on who's available, as you can pretty much name any position and they'll probably need depth there. But's it obvious Garrett Wolfe will not pan out, and Adrian Peterson should continue to the be the back-up/third down back. As far as I'm concerned, Benson is dead to me.

Despite the fact that the everyone puts way too much hype in the draft, I still can't think of any day that excites me more that has nothing to do with an actual game. I get up early, crack open my first ice cold Miller Lite, and let the pandemonium begin. Now that I think about it, I've actually never done a mock draft before. I think I might do that just to see what happens.

In other Bears news, Brandon McGowan has been resigned to a 1-year deal. And you know what that means. Fucking Super Bowl bound now, that's what.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Pooping at Work: Awkward Encounters or Free Thinking Time?

I've been sitting on this one for a while now. (Did you see what I did there?) Today seems like the perfect day to unleash this age-old debate, so here goes.

Every single day, millions of us white-collar stiffs file into our offices and go about our usual routine of avoiding work and secretley emailing co-workers funny jokes and links to Gisele Bundchen's bare ass.

While there are some exciting things during the typical workday (see: lunch), there also are a few things that are inevitably going to occur. I'm talking about pooping.

There are two schools of thought on the issue of pooping at work and I just want to address both of them and see what you think is the best argument. I myself, usually have no problems with pooping at work but there are a few aspects about the whole procedure of it that sometimes can truly be as awkward as that first time your parents caught you looking at porn. Yea, yesterday was rough.

Moving on.

The first side of the pooping at work issue are the people who are so afraid of the awkward encounters surrounded by taking a dump in the employee bathroom, that they will either hold it in, or head out of the office in hopes of finding a neutral playing field for their business.

There are many reasons why this awkwardness is so scary for some people, and I see them everyday in my office. Here's just a few examples of encounters I've had with some of the other employees in this fine media outlet.

First of all, let me just say that on our floor there are three, count 'em, three women's bathrooms and only one men's bathroom. And the one men's bathroom is about the size of a file cabinet. Everytime I walk in and both my shoulders touch the walls, I want to punch a baby. The reason why there are three bathrooms for the bitches on my floor and only one for the men is because back in the day, women were only allowed to perform only the simplest of tasks. These included: answering phones and placing ads in the newspaper.


Now, thanks to all those bra-burners, men and women can co-exist in the same working environment, with little to no daily sexual harrassment. The times may have changed, but the skanks on my floor are still douching themselves in the bathroom of their choice, while I'm forced to relieve myself in our little matchbook-sized pisser.

The main thing I hate when taking a shit at work is when someone next to you is also shitting. If I go into the stall and someone is in the other stall, I politely wash my hands as to not offend the person innocently shitting and leave.

If it's an emergency and I've got to make something happen, I may or may not just sit down and go for it. Which leads me to my next problem with shitting with someone in the bathroom: there's no way you can act like you do at home when you're taking a shit at work, it's just not the same. After a night filled with $1 beers and bar food, my stomach is fighting a civil war with my colon in an effort to rid my body of those lazy brown turds who all seem to look alike somehow. I would like to go into the bathroom and enjoy an article or two while letting the normal process play itself out.

However, at work, this is impossible. Farts have to be muffled, courtesy flushes have to be made, and god forbid if I ate Taco Bell the night before, I'm coughing the entire time to disguise the sound of the River Nile coming out of my ass. All this because Bob from accounting has walked in and I don't want him to think that I'm a complete fucking slob, even though I am.

Other problems are, but aren't limited to, walking out after a stinky shit and finding a co-worker who just walked in making the face you make when you smell something really nasty. Some people are proud of their work, but not me. I can't exit the room until I'm positive there's nobody in there.

Also, we have this little Mexican cleaning lady that somehow always seems to choose the time I'm shitting to come in and clean up in there. She gives the courtesy knock but even though I manage to utter out a "yeanotnow!" she always opens the fucking door. At this point I just lose it and yell, "go away!" and she gets the message. I like to think we've started a little shitter-cleaner relationship. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave her a little present, if ya know what I mean.

So fellow workplace shitters, where do you stand on this one? Do you enjoy shitting at work and throw caution to the wind while you're doing your dirty work? Or are you like those people who absolutely dread the next possible awkward encounter in the company bathroom? Either way, you're not alone.

Movies $10 and Under You Should Own: The Lost Boys

Noce and I are kicking around some new ideas with which to pontificate. While reading Steg and Trunk's Ode to Major League, it made me think...movies that you may not have seen that you should own for a reasonable price. Novel fucking concept, I know. With that said, I introduce the first movie 10 bucks and under I present to you, our reader(s):

THE LOST BOYS

CAST LIST:

Jason Patric: Michael
...
Corey Haim: Sam
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Dianne Wiest: Lucy
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Barnard Hughes: Grandpa
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Edward Herrmann: Max
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Kiefer Sutherland: David
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Jami Gertz: Star

Corey Feldman: Edgar Frog

It's pretty hard to beat a crazy fucking vampire movie from the 80's with a pretty good cast. Kiefer Sutherland, the leader of the vampires is complete fucking badass. If David told me to drink the blood and be one of them, you're fucking right I'd do it.

The opening scene is great; its an aerial shot of the ocean coming up on the town of Santa Carla near a boardwalk fair. The vampires come, fuck this couple up, drink their blood, and move on. Most likely to play checkers in their layer and listen to Mr. Brownstone by Guns n' Roses.



In comes our introduction to Michael, the main character played by Jason Patric (he of the shitacular sequel Speed 2: Cruise Control) Michael, his brother Sam and his mother Lucy go to live with their Grandpa in Santa Carla after leaving Phoenix for fuck knows what. Lucy gets a job at video store (what a fucking go-getter) where she meets Max, the actual head of the vampires.

Long story short, Michael sees this hot fucking chick named Star at the carnival (as seen above), who is somewhat with David, I guess. He ends up meeting David, and David recruits him to join, which he of course does. Sam realizes Michael is a vampire, and enlists the help of the Frog brothers to kill the vampires. Ass kicking ensues, and the show down between Michael and David makes Jean Claude Van Dam against Tong Po in Kickboxer look like fruit flies fucking on Animal Planet.

I highly recommend you go buy this fucking movie if you don't own it already. It's great, and it comes at the right price: cheap.

QUOTES:

"Death...by stereo"

"How are those maggots? Huh? Maggots. You're eating maggots. How do they taste? (drops container) They're only noodles Michael. How can a billion Chinese people be wrong?"

"Hey, anything around here that might pass for aftershave? How about some Windex, Grandpa? Yeah, yeah, let me try some of that. You have a big date tonight, Grandpa? I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson. What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?"

A Great Start To The Season For Both Clubs...

It didn't matter whether you were a Cubs fan or a Sox fan yesterday...you were left a punch in the stomach to start the year that leaves you saying there's plenty of season left to go. After a tying 3-run HR from Fukudome in the bottom of the ninth (so much for my claim he might struggle early, but one game does not a month make), Bob Howry put on his Dempster game face blowing the tie for a tenth inning loss.

Fucking Zambrano left the game with soreness or some horse shit, no word on what his story is. Motherfucker better not stabbage my fantasy team, "THE ONE DOG". Yes, I enjoy paying tribute to lesser known players, not just in Chicago. Past examples include OIL CAN BOYD and The Runnin' Reboulets (Still my favorite name).

On the South Side, Mark Buehrle was in 2006 mid-season form getting his ass shelled for an ERA equivical to what it takes to fill my gas tank. There were some good things to draw from this game, though. Masset was awesome in 4 1/3 innings allowing no runs, Thome homered twice which means he shouldn't be dropping off yet. Nicky Swish and Orlando Cabrera got on base 5 times.

But here's what I thought while listening to the game on my portable radio while walking to the train (I carry so much shit in my coat pocket it's not funny..I refuse to carry a workbag). WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU YANK DOTEL WITH TWO OUTS FOR JENKS?!?! I understand his job is to close with the lead, but you don't have much options when the fucker loads up the bases. Get one fucking out with your best pitcher, head to the ninth with a chance to win so he can shut'em down. Dotel was all over the fucking strike zone. Bad call, Ozzie

Both teams are off today; and I'll have some Bears shit for you coming up around noon.