Now For The Truth

Ok, now here's what really happened. I was released from my job in mid-September in 2008 becuase the Chicago Tribune is bankrupt. So I bounced between a couple jobs here and there until April 2009 when I got the job where I am employed to this day today.

I doubt you really give a shit, but I think me and Noce realized that spending more then half the day either commenting on blogs or figuring out what we wanted to post about wasn't making us money as sales reps.

Granted, I would still rather post stupid Chicago related sports bullshit then listen to what I need to rectify from my customers; but what makes more money?

Anyways, I'm back. I've spoken with Noce, and while he seemed like he would like to bring the 'Bull back, we'll see. What I can promise is that I'm going to go back in everyday starting on Monday. While I'd like to look back on what I missed in terms of posts, I may do that, but it would be few posts and done.

That being said, it amazes me how many people wonder what's happened to Bryant "Big Country" Reeves. We've received around 30 hits a day, and at least 50-66 percent of those searching for that talentless asshat. I guess irony directed them to my talentless attempt at humor.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Happy 311 Day

That's right folks, today is 3/11, which means it's officially 311 Day. I'm kinda upset it took me until 12:30 to realize this, but what are you gonna do? Also, the fact that it took a fax from our finance department displaying the date to make me realize that today was even 3/11 made it all the more funny, because I'm sure that's what the band had in mind when they conceived the idea for 311 Day.

If you're still reading and clueless to what 311 Day means, it's got a lot to do with the band called 311. In fact, it pretty much has everything to do with them because they created the fucking concept.

Right now they are rocking it out in New Orleans all day long while I'm stuck at my office wishing I was at home "celebrating" with a bong and day of couching.

Bye the way, why the fuck must everything be held there now? How long does it take for their economy to be "boosted" by all the shit that goes on there?

Oh yea, I already went to college.

Now before you go all "Do you know how I know you're gay?" on me for promoting 311, kiss my ass ok, I happen to enjoy their music. While they do have some gay songs (All Mixed Up, Love Song, I'll Be Here a While), they are a great live show and have plenty of hard-rocking jams, my favorite being either Omaha Stylee or You Wouldn't Believe.

In a tribute to the song that first gave the band some attention, here's a video of Do You Right off their uber-creative 1993 CD titled "Music". I watched the video and decided to do a little breakdown of the highligts, ala My Brain Says Rage, but this time not with gay country music.




Hey check it out, MTV didn't suck quite yet, and actually still played music!

The beginning of the video appears to be set in the Midwest, maybe in Nebraska, which is where the original band members are from. Eventually they moved out to L.A., because who the fuck is going to make it famous saying they're from Nebraska?

:19 - These two look like a gayer version of Jay and Silent Bob, sort of a Ray and Mexican Rob. Bonus points for the Starter jacket though.

:21 - Oh, we're in California now! That was quick. Let's look at the ocean like a bunch of Daniel Larussos.

:31 - Snapping ≠ dancing. Neither does bouncing or pretending to surf while bouncing.

:35-1:07 - Why so shirtless? Seriously, why?

1:10 - What the fuck? A Green Bay Packers hat and a L.A. Kings jacket? In the jungle? I guess you need to be high to understand. And more "surf dancing"?

1:12 - Stop touching the monkeys

2:18 - From "surf dancing" to the "pretend handshake" dance. I can't decide which one is worse. All this while Mexican Pablo dances in the background with his back to the camera.

2:40 - I'm beginning to question whether this song was written for a girl or a dude, so much man chest going on here.

2:46 - 'We're freestylin'

2:56 - Ok, now everyone in the band has officially been shirtless at one point in this video. So gay. I wonder who's the bread and who's the meat in the band? Wait...yea I still wonder.

3:35 - And they end with some more "surf dancing"

After careful consideration, I've concluded that the song is 10000 times better than the video. But cut them some slack, in 1993 they were still trying to find their niche in the rock world.

Either way, I still like them and will gladly take on criticism from people who think they're "too cool" to enjoy their music.

Happy 311 Day ya bastards.

A Look at Some ESPN Member Douchebags

Welcome to another installment of our ongoing series "Looking at Some ESPN Member Douchebags". I'm sure a lot of you have read ESPN and looked at the comments and wondered where the hell most of these people come from. The answer is Arkansas. Today's douche is by far the biggest I have ever found while reading ESPN comments, and it only makes sense that I found him while reading an article about hockey. Everyone, meet "Qtuz0FF". "Qtuz0FF", meet everybody.



I'll give you a second to take in what you've just seen. Ready? Good.

I can't even think of where to begin to make fun of this guy, so I'll start with the fact that you're one of those fucks that thinks wearing those "Affliction" shirt makes you look like a badass. These people also usually fall into the category of people who think they're a good fighter because they order every UFC fight.

I love watching UFC fights, don't get me wrong. I just don't think that watching fights translates into making me a better fighter, that's like saying watching porn would make me better at having sex. If that really were the case, not only would I know how to escape a choke hold, I'd also be able to have sex for longer than 45 seconds while sober. Everyone has dreams right?

Anyway, I'm assuming that everyone in Arkansas that likes the NHL and the Boston Red Sox is forced to wear a mask. I made a mental picture of what you look like under that mask and came up with something like the picture below to the right, which also helps to explain why he's wearing a mask. What, too soon?


This guy also apparently picked his favorite schools/teams while wearing this mask because I can't think of more of a clusterfuck of teams than the ones he has chose to support. It looks like Qtuz0FF has jumped with both of his faggy legs right onto the Boston bandwagon, as it appears he is a fan of the Patriots, Celtics and the Red Sox (puking in my mouth).

To contrast with his Boston preference, he also is a fan of the Nuggets and the Mavericks, two teams in the same conference, as well as an ecletic variety of NHL teams that bear no apparent correlation to any form of geography I've ever understood. Did you just throw darts at a map and pick teams from random to like?

Oh, I almost forgot about the joke this guy has in his little "quote box" above his picture, which looks like was taken next to a 3rd grade classroom. Looks like the Chuck Norris jokes are just starting to flow into the Arkansas pipeline, took you fuckers long enough. Those were funny like a year ago right? Hey, at least they're not still on Bill Brasky.

So to "Qtux0FF", thank you for being such a humongous douche and thank you also to ESPN for being the cum that holds all the douches together. There's so many more jokes that I want to make (Raphael/Cory Feldman, the fact you're a "Java Developer", Formula 1 Racing) but I do have a job that pays me money for my services. Until next time.