What To Look For Tonight's Bears/Chiefs Game

Are you as excited as I am to finally watch some fuckin' football? Damn straight. Now remember, as your Doctor I am prescribing you lots of booze to make you think that Mike Hass truly is the white Jerry Rice. I'll have a couple things that I'm going to pay attention to, and after that, a Bears pre-season drinking game that is sure to fuck you up.

The obvious things everyone is going to look at: Rex vs. Orton, Forte.

Here's what I'm going to be watching:

The Offensive Line: This is my biggest concern on the whole team. More so then Grossman/Orton, because they're fucking useless even when they have decent blocking. Terrence Metcalf just had his knee scoped, Chris Williams has been sitting on the sidelines thinking about how he can relate to his favorite WB show Everyone Hates Chris. That leaves second year man Josh Beekman in at left guard, and John St. Clair at left tackle. Not exactly what you're hoping for in terms of experience. This will be critical not only in their play, but their ability to STAY HEALTHY. Ruben Brown is liking his chops with the Bears' depth, and it's not from the Sweet Baby Ray's he just put on his hickory smoked ribs from Carson's.

Secondary: Over/Under in the comments on what game Mike Brown is lost for the season again. I'm going to put the tab at 4 games, and I'll obviously take the under. I love Mike Brown, but I stopped trusting him a few years ago. I don't expect Vash and Peanut to play much, so we'll see if Trumaine McBride has recovered from his third degree burns from the NFL receivers he's gotten torched on. Look for rookies Zach Bowman (Nebraska) and Craig Steltz (LSU) to see time somewhere near the end of the second quarter.

Caleb Hanie: This bastard beat out my boy Nick Hill, so he better have a line looking like this to justify it: 10/12, 202 yds, 2 TD, O INT. I know the guy played at Colorado State, but that's all I know. These are the only two youtube clips I could find, and I'm terrified. Caleb Hanie is not only unknown, but also very grainy:



At CSU:



If you have something you're looking for, feel free to share. With those things now addressed, let's get down to the real deal:

****THE OFFICIAL DRINKING GAME IS POST ABOVE, I FELT IT SHOULD BE IT'S POST****

If you would like us to add on to this, please be my guess. This should be enough to make you hate your life tomorrow, but you'll rave that the Bears offense is going to make the greatest show on turf look like a bunch of fags. Wait, St. Louis is a bunch of fags? Oh yeah, nevermind.

Orton Will Get First Shot Under Center, and Also Later At The Bar

The man who might love Jack Daniels more then I do will be your starting Quarterback on Thursday night's first preseason game of the year against the Chiefs. Don't get your hopes up though, as the Terrorist will be starting next week against Seattle.

What does this mean?

Not a whole fucking lot. I have the feeling that after watching the next two games, it's not going to be who surprises us, but who fucks up the least. Look at this way; outside of Rashied Davis, none of the receivers know the playbook inside and out. Matt Forte is going to have a lot of on the field training, and the Bears O-Line looks as mencing as the Polish on their horses during the Blitzkrieg of WW II.

They are not going to look good. It's already bad enough that Orton and Grossman are inconsistent at best, but they're going to have get routes down, etc. If you're anything like me, you should be getting intoxicated so that the offense looks more attractive. Its not like I have high expectations for them starting right out of the gate, but seriously it could be a complete and utter shit show.

As for the defense, I've heard Tribune Bears beat writer David Haugh on Mac, Jurko and Harry verbally come on the microphone with how good third round pick Marcus Harrison has looked. Haugh describes him as raw, with a great motor. Could be a good pick up if he can stay healthy, something Dusty Dvoracek and Dan Bazuin can't say.

Dvoracek is out of practice at this point with a calf he gave berth to, while Bazuin has knee swelling. Awesome.

Worst. Fight. EVER.

In case you didn't see this, I figured I would throw it up here for you. DJ Carrasco has cemented his vote for toughest man alive. Just watch the quickness of his right hand as he knocks Miguel Olivo unconscious. Stunning.

New Weekend Hours For North Siders Favorite Bar?

That's what Lou Piniella and Cubs Chairman Crane Kenney (Sounds like a law firm to me) are pushing the city of Chicago to consider. With the 20th aniversary of the first night game coming up this Friday, Lou is hoping that the city will be flexible with their schedule:

"There are certain times during the course of a season where exceptions should be made for night games [on weekends]. Not all the time, but look at the schedule and there are a handful of games where you're coming in late in the morning. Like when we came in from Arizona [at 5 a.m.]. You could use a night game on Friday to get your breath a little bit.

We'll see. It makes sense to me."

Makes sense to me too, Lou. Because of the neighborhood, the Cubs are limited to 30 night games a year.

That's funny. I thought it would have been because of incidents involving violence and alcohol.

Bulls Waive JamesOn Curry; Curry Gets Pissy

By Stalkingerinandrews

Word came out of the Berto Center today that the Bulls have waived JamesOn Curry. Bulls GM John Paxson said, “With the 1st overall pick of Derrick Rose and the large contract that comes with that pick, and the contract extension we just gave Luol Deng, we just didn’t have anymore room on our roster for an impact player like JamesOn.”*

Curry averaged 20.2 ppg, 5.6 apg, and 3.2 rpg with the Iowa Energy of the NBADL, and could hold down a bench in the NBA like no other. He was second on the Bulls with 15.6 standing ovations per game.**

Joakim Noah was seen with a tear in his eye, and overheard saying that no one could find the good stuff like JamesOn could.

Curry was understandably pissed when he was told of the news.

So long, JamesOn. I wish I could say we’ll miss you, but we never saw you play a minute in the NBA. It will, however, be difficult to replace your bench presence.

*John Paxson may not have actually said this
**May not be an actual stat

Weekend Send-Off: In Which Noce Eats His Words For Trying To Look Cool

This would be Bullet For My Valentine covering Sanitarium. Back at the end of January, I put up their new single at the time because I like them. Well, today Noce says to me, you know who I kinda like? Bullet For My Valentine. Yeah, that's right. The second link was his post following mine for the BFMV song.

And now he likes them. After calling them gay. So I guess that makes Noce gay.

Punk. Have a good weekend fuckfaces, and don't forget to take the tourniquet off your arm after shooting up. Wouldn't want to lose your arm after you doze off, now would you?

What do Julia Roberts and Scotty Bowman Have In Common?

They can both claim they were at one point "Sleeping With The Enemy".

She is a stranger in a small town. She changed her name. Her looks. Her life. All to escape the most dangerous man she's ever met. Her husband.

If that's the tagline for the 1991 lame ass Julia Roberts-Patrick Bergin "thriller"(Who the fuck is this guy?), then I think this should fit for yesterdays' transactions:

He is a stranger in a big city. His name is still the same. His Hockey knowledge. His sweaty, scotch pouring brow. All to escape the most dangerous shithole city he's ever known. Detroit.

That's right: the winningest coach in NHL history and a member of 11 Stanley Cup champion teams, signed a three-year contract Thursday as the Hawks' senior adviser for hockey operations.

Bowman, who had been a consultant with the Detroit Red Wings the last six seasons after coaching them to three Stanley Cup championships, will be an adviser to Hawks general manager Dale Tallon and son, Stan Bowman, who is the team's assistant GM.

(Stannnnnnnnn..Stan..I have a medical condition.)

Well, it's looks like Stannnnnnnnn was able to convince Scotty to come aboard. But when Scotty's taking a bath, he might want to make sure that Stannnnnnnnn doesn't come to strangle him. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about, it's a scene from the movie, and don't ask how I know that, thank you.)

Now if Bowman wants to continue his ties with Roberts, he might have to go through something like this to keep it up: