Jalen Rose and 3rd Grade English are very similar

Everyday during my lunch break I like to browse the internet while eating shitty cafeteria food in an effort to keep myself updated with the latest news surrounding the NBA. Some may find that to be boring or strange, especially because I'm a white kid from Buffalo, but it's what I like to do goddamnit.

So today I just finished lunch and wandered over to the NBA page on ESPN.com to read the Daily Dime. I'm assuming most people are aware that segment exists on ESPN.com so I won't bother explaining it.

This section is usually written by Marc Stein or Chris Sheridan, but today must have been off days for both because ESPN decided it would be a good idea to let Jalen Rose test his mastery of the English language. Why the fuck they would do this I have no idea but holy shit Jalen needs to go back and read his ESPN writer's manual under the "How to not look like a complete fucking idiot while writing" section. Here are some highlights from this sure-fire Pulitzer piece of investigative sports journalism.

"Before the season began, they were actually predicted by Las Vegas to be one of the favorites to come out of East. Then the season began."

Wow. Did you come up with that one all by yourself Jalen or did you have team of interns researching for that amazing insightful information? That story is the equivalent of me saying "Before I ate those buffalo wings I had a feeling I would probably shit them out later. Then I ate the wings." Compelling, I know.

Moving on.

"The highest-paid player Ben Wallace doesn't know if he can wear his headband, and the second-highest paid Kirk Hinrich has already been benched."

I wonder if Jalen went to ESPN.com to figure out that Wallace and Hinrich are the two highest paid players on the team or if he just took a guess. Also, the fucking headband rule was dismissed before the start of the season by former coach Scott Skiles, but I guess Jalen was in Vegas on a research trip. And when was Kirk Hinrich benched? Did I miss that due to a violent self-inflicted cock punch after watching Hinrich commit his 109,093rd stupid foul this season? I'm pretty sure Hinrich has started EVERY FUCKING GAME this season, which pretty much is the exact opposite of benched.

From here on out it only gets worse. Brace yourself for a new level of stupidity.

"Chicago fans have a different sense of success, with memories of two of all-time best 50 NBA players (Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen still fresh. They are looking at this through different lenses than the Knicks fans, who are passionate, but only have one championship to look back on."

First of all the Knicks have won two Championships, not one. How you fuck that up is beyond me. How ESPN "editors" don't catch that also makes me want to punch a baby. I spent two years as the Sports Editor for my college newspaper and was high probably 70% of the time but I still could figure out how to at least Wikipedia shit that I wasn't completely sure about. Second of all, Knicks fans are just as, if not more passionate about their sports teams you fucking idiot. Have you heard what Isiah Thomas has been going through this season? Oh yea, and where's the closing parenthesis after Jordan and Pippen? Did you just assume we would put it in there for you wherever we saw fit? At first I thought I had copied and pasted the quote wrong, but nope, that's how Jalen thought it looked best.

Let's now explore how Jalen is uncapable of constructing a sentence that adheres to any form of usual sentence structure. Here is what could possibly be the single dumbest thing ever penned on ESPN:

"Because another big presence inside would make Wallace more effective, allowing him do the dirty work. But when Big Ben's the only big man down there, it's not good."

Where do I begin? Holy fucking shit really did you just write that?

Clearly you have not even heard of "coordinating conjunctions" and their use within a sentence. If you had, then you would probably have not chose to start two consecutive sentences with them. I also love how your conclusion to the Bulls' lack of help inside for Ben Wallace as "not good". How profound.

I haven't even brought up the fact that you spelled disappointment "disappointiment" on the FUCKING HEADLINE but that's neither here nor there. My head hurts too much after reading your piece of shit story. Your article was almost as bad as the Bulls' play this season, which is what I think you were trying to get at the entire time.

A Look at some ESPN Member Douchebags

Welcome to our 2nd installment of ESPN Member Douchebags. The seemingly endless amount of ammunition provided by "the Leader" has brought commenters from across the USA together, allowing every semi half-witted Dick and Jane the opportunity to pretend like what they have to say is important.

I personally only use the comments section to shamelessly advertise the existence of this website, because it's hilarious how every story, no matter what the original subject, ultimately turns into a racial argument. It could be a story about Darko Milicic dropping 25 and 5 on Phoenix and assholes will somehow turn that into an argument over Brown v. Board of Education in no less than 40 comments. I just don't get it.

On to today's feature commenter. This proud fella by the name of "RytgersjaffoII" has this to offer on Joe Gibbs' retirement from the Washington Redskins organization.

"He needs somebody who can manage the team... I mean the guy is spending a ton of dough bringing in talent, they just buy the wrong guys and the wrong coaches... those are GM/Coaching issues... The Skins do have some talented players, but unfortunately there's only one Belichick and only one Coughlin... the Skins blew it not going after Coughlin three years ago..."

Coughlin, as in Tom Coughlin? Are you really claiming that Tom Coughlin is a better coach than Joe Gibbs? The same Joe Gibbs who's posted a 171-101 overall record as a coach of the Redskins? The same Joe Gibbs that won three Super Bowls ('82, '87, '91) and went to the playoffs in ten of his 16 seasons as head coach? What did Tom Coughlin ever do besides post a 68-60 record as coach of the Jaguars? I remember him doing a good job of getting on the bad side of every player he currently coaches on the New York Giants.

Anyway, here's this asshole's profile on ESPN:



Wow. That's the picture that you chose to broadcast your image to the entire world? A red flannel under what looks like a 'Judas Priest' shirt as you're eating what appears to obviously be a milkshake from Sonic. I say Sonic because those restaurants are only found in awful cities like Pittsburgh, where this jagoff hails from.

I also love the fact that under "Occupation" he has listed "Law Student". While that may seem like a worthwhile endeavor and a most respectable position, this fucking guy was born in 1973. That makes him at least 34 years young and still in Law School. Impressive.

I won't even make fun of the teams he has listed as "Favorite Teams" because do jokes really need to be made about the Pirates, Penguins, Penn State and Rutgers?

So "RytgersjaffoII" congratulations for being our ESPN Member Douchebag! You look like the bastard child of David Spade who just crawled out of his mom's basement to go rent "Clerks" and remember better days.

Thoughts on Pippen's Comments

"It's his shot selection. You take those bad shots, you're sitting down. He's out there shooting for a contract. Offensively, they can be as good as last year. But their shot selection is horrible. [Luol] Deng also is playing for a contract. There's no flow to their game."

- Scottie Pippen on December 30, 2007

Pippen then proceeded to, in all his infinite basketball wisdom, take the floor for the Helsinki ToPo for two games against the Honka Playboys and Porvoon Tarmo and went 2 for 16 from beyond the arc. Overall, Pippen shot an anemic 29% in the two games, averaging 10.5 points and 8 rebounds in 26 minutes.

Talk about poor shot selection. How can you possibly justify your comments toward Gordon and Deng and go and jack up threes all night against a bunch of Scandanavians? What the hell are you even doing playing basketball still anyways Scottie? Most people move on to tennis or golf after a long career in professional sports, you've decided to visit a place that (how the fuck do you really make fun of Finland?) [insert joke here].
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"I'd sit down with him and say, 'Show me you're a winner and play like it. Not with those crazy antics. Make your hustle work in a positive way.' He's turning into Rasheed Wallace with the kinds of things he does on floor. It makes the officials turn on the whole team. And you stop getting calls. Don't shoot those ill-advised shots. Don't look to get bailed out by the refs."

-Scottie Pippen on Andres Nocioni

First of all nobody sits down with Noce. They either take a charge from him or get lost in his locks of amazing Argentine hair. Noce has been the ONLY player this season on the Bulls who can honestly say he's gave his all. Turning into Rasheed Wallace? What the fuck does that even mean Scottie? Seriously how much weed did you smoke before coming up with that gem of knowledge?

The Bulls would be ten games better if they had Rasheed Wallace on this team. And another comment about ill-advised shots from 'Scottie too Hottie'. Someone should tell him that Noce is leading the Bulls in adjusted field goal percentage at .490, something I'm sure Pippen has no clue whatsoever of even what that is.


Side note: ^ AFG%: Adjusted Field Goal Percentage = [(PTS - FTM)/FGA]/2
AFG% measures shooting efficiency by taking into account the total points a player produces through his field goal attempts. The intention of this adjustment is largely to evaluate the impact of three-point shooting. For example, if Shaquille O'Neal has 3-5 FG, all two-point shots for 6 points, then his AFG% = [(6/5)]/2 = .600. Meanwhile, if Ray Allen is 2-5 FG, but his 2 FGM are both three-pointers for 6 points, then his AFG% = [(6/5)]/2 = .600

It would be best for the Bulls and for Pippen if Scottie disappeared back to whatever Las Vegas nightclub he emerged from before all this retarded speculation about him becoming the next head coach. Pippen would be the absolute WORST person to coach this team, has no experience coaching whatsoever, and is obviously about as smart as the offspring of Elijah Dukes and Tila Tequila.

Leave the basketball comments to people who know what they're talking about Scottie, enjoy the weather over in Scandanavia and try not to confuse snow from blow.

ZEPPELIN? WHY NOT

It's raining outside. I thought about putting up Garbage's I'm only happy when it rains, but the band title is not a coincidence. After watching about a minute of it, I wanted to jam my unsharpened pencil in my left ear, followed by my right. So Rain Song it is.

Screw Your Damn Work Bag

On my normal Sundays of football viewing, if I'm watching the 3:15 game on CBS to it's conclusion, sometimes I'll just find nothing else on and continue on with 60 Minutes. If the stories are half interesting I just leave it on. Well, that's happened a few weeks ago. As 60 Minutes concludes, America is forced to listen to the few thoughts left that Andy Rooney has, and they're really aren't coherent. Mostly he just bitches about how he just shit himself be going on camera (he shoulda been using Oops I crapped my pants..that's alotta dung!) Anyways, he actually brought something up that I really hadn't thought about since working in the city, but it's a problem that has become horribly apparent. 98% of people carry a big fucking bag around with them. I am of the 2% that adheres to a bagless lifestyle, and I don't want to be associated in way, shape or form to this bullshit.

I understand carrying a laptop bag or a backpack. If you gotta carry a laptop around I'm fine with that, and a backpack doesn't take up too much space. My real problem lays with these fuckfaces that carry a duffle bag. Are you robbing a fucking bank in a few minutes to catch the 9:18 train home shortly thereafter? What could you possibly need that necessitates a fucking weekend bag of shit? And while were on the topic, THE ESCALATOR IS NOT A FUCKING AMUSEMENT RIDE. GET ON IT AND CONTINUE TO WALK. It's meant to move you faster. You did not get a ticket. You do not have to be a certain height to get on. Fucking Idiots.

I guess what it all boils down to Andy Rooney has made me really pissed. Everytime I'm surrounded by bags now I want to grab it off their shoulders, act like I'm about to throw it in the river and say "let's see how important your shit really is". So in short, Fuck you Andy Rooney. And fuck you duffle bag douchebags.

WAY TO OVERPAY, KENNY

It's pretty obvious Kenny is looking for anyway to fuck this organization over. check out Phil Rogers' column from the Tribune today, since Phil is the Peter Gammons of the midwest. I think Nick Swisher is a good player, but not a great player as evidenced by his career .251 batting average. He's definitely not a centerfielder, and now you've got Carlos "I have alot of feelings" Quentin, Alexei "Que Pasa, Contreras?!" Ramirez, Jerry "Picked off again" Owens, and in right Jermaine "my 05' WS MVP still means I get free pasta, right?" Dye. Talk about a clusterfuck of people. What the hell are you going to do with all these outfielders, Kenny? Notice your starting pitching still sucks? Care to fuck that over some more too? Gio Gonzalez led the double A Southern League in K's. Fautino De Los Santos is supposedly going to be a stud in two years. On the other hand, I don't care too much about losing Sweeney. He's another Jeremy Reed (how's he doing in Seattle? never heard of him? EXACTLY!) in the making. Why couldn't you trade Lance Broadway? Becuase it makes too much fucking sense? Fuck you Kenny. You'll be gone soon, and I'll be watching a bunch of Danny Wright Jr's give up long ball after long ball.

Welcome to the South Side, Nicky Swish. Have fun finding a roster spot and a steady position.

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags

Welcome to 2008 people...and to our newest feature which Noce stumbled upon by accident, yet still provides endless banter for us. We'll be taking a look at some of the biggest douchebags on ESPN member profiles we can find. The member profile page almost has a myspace feel to it; you have friends (or people who are as gay as you for being on this god forsaken bullshit) you comment on each others wall, and you can post some thoughts. Our first look brings us to member "ESPN4LIFE72".

Wow. With a name like ESPN4LIFE72, you know you're a complete fuckstick. This guy looks like B-Real from Cypress Hill's shit for brain cousin who uses him for weed and the occasion ugly groupie backseat blowjob. Holy shit, where do I begin? Let's start off with what makes ESPN4LIFE72 special: I'd rather be a REAL nobody then a FAKE somebody! Once again, wow. You're stating to everyone you beat your dog with an electric cord when Tony Romo looks at you and you realize you two will never be together. I almost feel sorry for you.

What maybe the biggest sign of douchebaginess is his favorite teams: Cowboys, Braves, Jayhawks, Seminoles, and the ATLANTA HAWKS?!?! If you're going to be epitomy of everything that I can't stand (you bandwaggoning piece of shit), at least pick a decent team. Hmmm..let me guess, Seminole Football and Jawhawk basketball? Go fuck a cow. Completely awful. Speaking of Cows, who calls Dallas Cow Town? This pole smoker. What maybe even funnier is that fact that he claims "not to be a bandwaggoner". No, not at all. Look, I'll give you four of your teams, but not Florida State. I do wonder how often you fondle yourself while thinking it's Bobby Bowden.