Weekend Metallica

Steg and Trunk have been MIA, so just in case, I figured if you strolled your way over to this part of the rapeosphere, I wanted to make sure you weren't denied. COLOR OUR EARTH WITH BLACKENED..BLACKENED

A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

This is a looong overdue post, but I want to first preference it by thanking faithful reader stalkingerinandrews for finding this fuckstick for us. Considering he sent MR.PATRIOT81 to us right around the Super Bowl, we've been a bit lazy. But with the Boss out today, and Noce probably half way in the fucking can by now, I'll be productive in non work shenanigans. That said, let's take a look at the biggest front-running, BBMak loving, Hollister wearing, Shitstain smelling "bro" I've seen thus far on here...he's none other then MR.PATRIOT81

JUST LOOK AT HIS FUCKING TEAMS HE LIKES. Let's go to the visual for this one:

As you can see, MR.PATRIOT81, (or as his aol friends know him as JTmbrlakeismyidol) apparently doesn't plant his fucking flag in one state. Try Seven. Look out Pacific Northwest, MR.PATRIOT IS COMING TO A WESTFIELD MALL TO TRY ON ABERCROMBIE CLOTHES THANKS TO MOM GIVING HIM MONEY FOR A SUPER TERRIFIC REPORT CARD NEAR YOU!!!

His favorite sports moments indicate to me that nothing happened before he was born in his eyes;

"Whatching Kobe drop 81 against the Raptors. I never though anyone would score over 80"

First off, ass clown shows his riting skills with his opening word. Second, MR.PATRIOT, please examine this picture below:

March 2, 1962

PLEASE DO THE FOLLOWING, MR.PATRIOT81

A: Go to nearest local hardware store

B: Get six feet of thick rope

C: Go to nearest bridge

D: Tie rope around your neck and attach to bridge. Please make sure bridge attachment is sturdy.

E: Jump off, with end result looking something like this (pics are so super sweet bro, couldn't help myself):

Moving on. For future reference MR.PATRIOT, just put every stupid fucking sport ever invented by some hella cool brah. A whole paragraph worth of everything X-Games to Grabassing is quite unnecessary.

OCCUPATION: RETAIL

What a fucking surprise...I'm sure you're as enthusiastic about your job as Louie Anderson was in Coming to America: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm folding clothes. Soon I'll be on register; then the front greeter. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Finally, MR.PATRIOT informs us he's met a lady friend (not visible on the super sweet pic above bros)

I finally found a great girl that is a Patriot fan and I met her a few weeks back but we are just now getting serious.

Good for you. When she breaks up with your sorry ass next week for the douche across the street, I've saved you some trouble bro by linking you some Dashboard to sob over for the next month, you fucking pussy. Go suck J.J. Redick's dick while you're at, he's been in need of some "Coldplay" too.

Unofficially the greatest day ever invented

This may look like an innocent street corner on a regular Big Ten campus. It usually is, but it won't be tomorrow.

"Drink until you're Irish."

That's the motto for my weekend, and I'm not alone.

It might not be March quite yet, but that hasn't stopped the great organizers of Unofficial St. Patrick's Day at the University of Illinois from planning the greatest drinking day since the day before Thanksgiving.

Tonight I will leave the Windy City and drive two hours south to Champaign, where I will join thousands of other people who are anxious to celebrate Unofficial by drinking my weight in alcohol.

Unofficial is the one day a year where kids (and adults in my case) forget about everything they have to worry about everyday, put on a green shirt and proceed to get shitfaced. Now those of you who might yawn at the idea of a college campus getting drunk, I assure you, this is not a typical .25 cent beer day. Kids wake up at 7am to get ready for this event. Kegs are tapped by 7:30 and by noon you are more likely to find someone puking on a corner than someone who could tell you directions to the quad. Illinois is a great school academically but all that flies out the window of the local watering hole tomorrow, because tomorrow is Unofficial.

Last year, my senior year, I was supposed to work at Piccadilly during Unofficial. Piccadilly is a liquor store for those of you not around here, and let me tell you working at a liquor store on Unofficial is the equivalent to working for the Janjaweed on a typical African Tuesday: it's a compelte and utter shitstorm. So last year I had only been working at this crappy job to supplement the meager pay I earned from working as the Sports Editor for the student newspaper at Illinois and I really didn't give a shit about the job.

I convinced myself that I needed to go into work that day but I could still handle drinking a little beforehand. Hell, my boss used to let us drink on the job so what the fuck does he care if I come in to work a little drunk? It's not like I'm operating on fucking Heath Ledger here, I'm selling 30 packs of Keystone to every Jane, Dick and Sally with an ID that looks 50% like the kid handing it to me.

Anyway, I went out and drank in the morning like any good student would and planned to go into work at 3pm like I was scheduled. After about 10 beers, some shots of green shit (sidenote: everything is fucking green on Unofficial, and I mean everything. T-Shirts, scarves, mittens, beer, shots, fuck even the cocaine is green on Unofficial that's just the way it is) and maybe a couple screwdrivers to get the taste of beer from the night before out of my mouth, I was well on my way to intoxication.


At this point, I'm perfectly fine to go into work but I'm starting to feel like I have other things I'd rather be doing than spending the rest of my day not drinking.

So a few friends and I head back to my house and we run out of beer after like a half hour because of course, chicks don't ever bring beer they just expect other people to hand it to them. Most of the bitches at U of I won't even open their own beers, that's how spoiled and gay they really are. So I get the bright idea to go get a keg! And what better place to get a keg than the very place that I work for, Piccadilly? It's right across the street from my apartment, shit I can practically read the time on the wall, why wouldn't I go in there? Oh yea, because I have to be in there for work in 3 hours. Does that stop me? No. I head on over with the intentions of buying a keg.

I apparently was more drunk than I thought because as we walked into the store I couldn't figure out that the door pulls open so that people delivering kegs can just back them out. Pretty smart huh? Apparently too smart for me. So I'm sitting there pushing and pushing and the door is winning by a mile, until my manager opens it, calls me a retard and asks me what the fuck I'm doing. I tell him I'm here to buy a keg, and no it's not for me, I'm just getting it for them because I'm a nice guy and that's what nice guys do.

So I wheel the keg on over to my apartment and forget that I have the little cart that we use to carry those fuckers to the cars. We only had like 5 of those carts for the whole store and there are probably about 300 kegs sold on this one day alone so that's roughly 60 kegs per cart. Well they were one light after I left because I was not about to wheel that bitch all the way back there (things tend to appear much further away when you don't need anything from them don't they?) just so my boss can call me an idiot again. I'll just bring it back later.

Long story short, or at least shorter, I never went to work, got fired and didn't bring the cart back until a week later when my boss left me a profanity-laced voicemail threatening to get me arrested for stealing property.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty productive day. I can't really remember anything past 4pm so this is where the story ends...until I return on Sunday with more tales of the finest day of the year.

Pray for me.

Let's See How Good Greg Walker Really Is...

If you're a fellow Sox fan such as myself, you know how hard it was to watch last year's team suck at life. Fuck, they couldn't do anything right after reaching 27-24. Well, Kenny's gone out and made some good off-season moves, and one of the players I'm most interested in watching this year is Jose Contreras' newest Banana Boat buddy, Alexei Ramirez. Probably my favorite Sox blog, Sox Machine is in Tucson providing us with a brief glimpse at Ramirez:





Granted, it's him drawing a two out walk; but Jim wasn't kidding about his looong ass swing. Kinda reminds of my swing back in the day (I was a good pitcher and fielder, but had to leg everything out because I had no pop). Well Greg, the Sox offense had the worst run production and batting average in the AL last year, and now it's time to see what you're really made of. Walker, or Sweet as he was known along side Ron Kittle (Swat) played 9 season with the South Siders, with his best production coming in 85' when he 24 HR's, 92 RBI's, and batted .258 (Paul Konerko aproves of these numbers: 07': 31HR's, 90 RBI's, .259). However, the guy is the owner of career .326 OBP. Not exactly earth shattering shit, here.

He's tinked with plenty of players swings, from Thomas to Tadahito. Now let's see if you're really worth your contract extension you signed in 2006, buddy. Nicky Swish-a-licious and Orlando Cabrera will defintely help the numbers out, but players like Ramirez, Jerry "Fuck I popped out again" Ownens and Carlos Quentin are going to need to step up where Ryan Sweeney, Brain Anderson and Andy "Where did the damn ball go?" Gonzalez did not.

Despite the fact the Tigers and Indians are the acknowledged favorites in the Central, I'm really excited about this team and the upcoming season...mostly because I'm sick of watching a shitty Bulls team and the fact the Hawks probably won't make the playoffs. But none the less, I leave you with...WHITE SOX, WHITE SOX, GO GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! (PS If you're a Sox fan and you don't get excited for April singing along, never read this website again..ever)

Seriously Cubs Fans, You'd Rather Have Lieber Start Over Marquis?

So I was on ChicagoSports.com reading the different headlines when I saw today's poll question:

The top of the Cubs starting rotation is practically set with Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster (yikes) and Rich Hill. Who's your choice for the fifth starter?

- Jon Lieber

- Jason Marquis

- Sean Marshall

To me, this seemed like a no brainer. You're talking about a guy who ate up 191 innings for you and went 12-9. Sure he games he got his ass handed to him; who doesn't? But the results surprised me:

LIEBER: 50.6%

MARQUIS: 14.5%

MARSHALL: 34.9%

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? MARSHALL ABSOLUTELY BLOWS!!!! I wouldn't even begin to think for a minute that Cubs' fans would seriously vote for that ass clown. That guys' curve ball is worse then mine. I don't of anyone who throws more meat over the plate. Here's a look at the last two years between Lieber and Marquis:

MARQUIS:

2006: STL: 14-16 194.3 IP 221 H 136 R 130ER 35HR 75 BB 96 K 6.02 ERA 1.523 WHIP

2007: CHC: 12-9 191.7 IP 190 H 111R 98ER 22HR 76BB 109K 4.60 ERA 1.388 WHIP

LIEBER:

2006: PHI: 9-11 168.0 IP 196H 100 R 92ER 27HR 24BB 100K 4.93 ERA 1.310 WHIP

2007: PHI: 3-6 78.0IP 91H 44R 41ER 7HR 22BB 54K 4.73ERA 1.449 WHIP

When you breakdown the numbers, neither one really stands out abover the other, except for the innings and age factor (obviously not depicted above). Marquis is a horse, and only turns 30 this year. Lieber is entering his 14th season, and turns 38 in a little over a month.

If it were me as the Cubs fan, I would personally want Marquis to at least start in the fifth spot, and keep Lieber fresh for further on in the season. Well, I've made my case for Marquis; make yours for Lieber.

What Palatine Needs is a SCHWANTZ

Yes, you're reading that headline correctly. Former Bears/Cowboys/49'ers linebacker Jim Schwantz is taking on incumbent (combining Schwantz and incumbent = gold) Palatine mayor Rita Mullins for the upcoming elections.

"I'm a product of Palatine," Schwantz said. "For the better part of 30 years, I've taken advantage of everything Palatine offers. I felt at this point, it's time for me to start giving back."

That's right, it's payback time...Schwantz style. We here at Chicago Bull fully endorse the Schwantz, and we've even decided to give him a few suggestions for his campaign in no particular order:

"WE WANT SCHWANTZ!"

"PALATINE: A TOWN IN NEED OF SCHWANTZ!"

"GOT SCHWANTZ?"

"SALUTE YOUR SCHWANTZ!"

"THE MAYOR'S OFFICE RUNS THROUGH SCHWANTZ"

"SEND IN THE SCHWANTZ!"

"OUR SCHWANTZ IS BIGGER THEN YOURS!"

"HOLY SHIT MY SCHWANTZ IS ON FIRE" (Overheard at one of the rallies)

Feel free to add your campaign slogan in the comments section, and remember...
VOTE SCHWANTZ

I.F.H. Monday's

That's all I got for you today. Enjoy.