A Look At Some ESPN Member Douchebags...

Yes, it's been awhile since we delved into the beer-fueled intelligence one can only gain from ESPN Members, but it's back. After scrolling through the message boards, and leap-frogging from profile to profile, I stumbled upon today's participant which reminded me of something I forgot I fucking hated: people from the south who think the SEC is "God's conference". Is the SEC is best overall football conference every year generally? Yes, I would say so. Is the ACC the best overall basketball conference from top to bottom every year? Maybe a couple years ago I would agree with that, but the Big East is much deeper.

Anyways, enough of my jackass opinion, let's rip this motherfucker. I give you, 755Club

What intially attracted my attention to this profile from "Len" was the picture you see to your right. Here's the link so you too can see the seizure I'm having a result of pic: http://myespn.go.com/755club Ok, I like the movie too. But why not just put a picture Edward Norton kicking the shit out of himself? How about Marla Singer having not been fucked like that since grade school? Something other then your fucking Mickey Mouse Joseph and the Technicolor dreamcoat visuals here.

"WE ARE A PART OF AN OR-AN-GE NATION"

No, just you are, you fucking dog-raping, Jeff Gordon supporting, Busch Light drinking, Wrangler wearing, Jeff Foxworthy listenin', King of the Hill wathcing, Squirrel is a mighty fine meal procliaming Dipshit. Leave we out. Add in I. No problems with me commences. Moving On.

As you can see, our friend here is quite a fan of his fantasy sports. I will never begrudge anyone of that, but I do recommened if you have his profile up to hold your arrow over the WTC icon. HE FUCKING PARTICIPATED IN WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PICK'EM 2005. Holy shit...I've seen it all. I mean, wow. I guess the fabulous game of "who can cum in blind Ol' Elroy the dogs eye first" got old for a week or two.

His sports moments are fine until we reach: The Tackle: Jones tackles Dyson 1 yd short of game tying TD to win Super Bowl XXXIV @ the GA Dome. If you're a fucking Tennessee fan, how do you not like the Titans? And you'd rather support the Rams? I can't stand people who can root for a fucking state themed college but not their pro team. Makes me want to find Ol' Elroy. PS..you would consider yourself a Cubs fan.

I will however give him two small acknowledgements: for having Racquet Ball as one of his favorite sports and listing his occupation as a NASCAR test chimp. I don't know why I find that slightly amusing. I think these fuckers are starting to get to me.

FAVORITE TEAMS: Atlanta Falcons, Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee, Atlanta Braves, Georgia Tech, St. Louis Rams, Green Bay Packers, Georgia, LSU, Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Cubs, Atlanta Thrashers.

"Len" is from Atlanta, so I absolve him of the Georgia teams. The Colts, Cowboys and Cubs have their bandwagon douchebags, so I don't have a huge problem here, either. However, rooting for the Packers and Rams...let's just say I'd like to rip off his fingernails and pour 10W40 down his throat for that one. Inexcusable.

The "in 755 words" section is absolute mindless drivel, so I won't even waste my time. However, he does have a recent blog post that must be shared:

Gas? Liquid? Nope...SOLID

The Stanford team pushed the Lady Vols to the limit [and overtime even] way back when they had to beat them in a non-con that no one expected to be a preview of the Finals. Yet the rematch was OWNED by the Tennessee TEAM. Not a Candice vs. Candace showdown that all the media wanted, but a solid TEAM effort, including above-and-beyond performances by the roomies, "Lil Bit" and "aN Oh Cee Kay"

CP did throw her fubar shoulder into the mix, but it was the TEAM effort (absent for so many recent games) that solidified the confetti.

Ladies, that was restaurant-quality lemonade

Please re-read that last line. Someone ship this motherfucker to western Pakistan wearing his bright orangle coat to mix with the locals. I'd like to see what fucking lemonade comes out his pants when they start boiling him alive.

Who Really Saw This Coming?

If you told me the White Sox would be in first place after the opening week of baseball, I probably would have laughed in your face. Opening on the road at Cleveland followed by Detroit? Considering what they looked like last year, I would have said they'd lucky to fininsh 2-4. But it's apparent with the on-the-field product what everyone is starting to say: These aren't your 2007 White Sox. Granted, it's only seven games in, but even the players and coaches are acknowledging it,

"I don't know if I ever seen a team fighting this hard in every at-bat. They're getting after it". - Greg Walker

So far, the Jon Garland-for-Orlando Cabrera swap is paying off for Kenny Williams, as Garland got his ass lit up by the Texas Rangers in last start: 5 IP, 8H, 7 ER, 2 HR's. Now, he did pitch well in the first game: 8 IP, 6H, 1ER; but he only has 2K's thus far. While I'm not totally sold the deal is going to pay off in the long run considering Cabrera is 33, there's no question he makes the Sox better both defensively and offensively.

As for the Swisher trade, you can consider that one an official raping of Billy Beane. Swisher is hitting his peak at 27, and has this remaining as his contract:

- $3.5 million in 2008,
- $5.3 million in 2009,
- $6.75 million in 2010 and
- $9 million in 2011.
- The club holds a $10.25 million for 2012, with a $1 million buyout.

In other words, locked up for dirt fucking cheap through 2012. What about Gio Gonzalez and Fautino De Los Santos? Gonzalez is at AAA Sacramento, where is 0-0 with a 3 ERA after one start. De Los Santos is in High A at Stockton, where he's 0-1 also with a 3 ERA after pitching 6 Inn. The trade kinda reminds me of when the Sox dealt a package that included their top outfield prospect, Jeremy Reed to get Freddy Garcia from the Mariners. Where's Reed? AAA Tacoma hitting .273 along side former Sox first basemen Greg Norton.

The point is this: It sucks to trade away your young talent, and eventually it will hurt you, but trading for proven commodities is something that will usually go your way. All of the Jeremy Reeds, Joe Borchards and Royce Ring's usually don't amount to jack shit. Garcia was crucial to the Sox winning in 05'. Swisher is crucial in OBP, and providing a little something in the clubhouse that was missing last year: Accountability.

Yes, these Sox needed a fucking wake-up call from the lackluster summer before to remind them that this club can still get the job done. And it's needs to do so sooner then later. While I'm still realistic that it's an aging ballclub that could fall apart at any time, it's nice to finally have something that hasn't shown up in at least year in this, our Chicago sports scene: Hope.

You Know You're Getting Old When...

You go to bed with 3 minutes left in the game. That's right...I chose sleep. The Chalmers shot which I watched thanks to Youtube here at work was pretty crazy, but the overtime looked like it was all Kansas, so did I really miss that much? I'm leaning towards no.

I did enjoy watching the Chicago products play each other, though. Sherron Collins was all in D-Rose's face the entire night which hampered Rose to just 3 points in the first half. While Chalmers shot earned him the Most Outstanding Player award (Noah won that two years in 06', how's that looking on the NBA floor?) , it was Collins who really deserved something for shutting down the guy who no one could stop in the tourney.

I could really give a shit about all the talk with Rose's "Gummi Bear" diet. Noce lives on sour punch kids, and while he doesn't play 40 games of basketball in a 6 month span, he manages. I don't buy that shit. What I do buy, is the fact that his nerves got to him in the beginning, which made him so tenative.

One final thing before I leave you with the highlights to the last minutes of the game and overtime in case you, like me decided to say fuck it. If you've listened to the Mike North Morning Show, you've heard Mike DeCourcy from the Sporting News claim "free throws are the most overrated thing in the tournament". I thought the whole argument was bullshit to begin with. Think Douglas-Roberts and Rose would tell you otherwise? Fuck and No.

I know I didn't do jack shit yesterday; after Crede's awesome fucking slam that prompted me to yell while being on the train, I'll have some more coming up soon!

Countdown To The NFL Draft

The NFL draft is quite the paradox. On one hand, there's tons of excitement over who each team might draft with visions of landing the next game-changing back such as a Purple Jesus. Teams also draft in hopes of getting a franchise quarterback such as Cade McN..wait..nevermind. Which leads to the other side of the coin. It's been widely known that 80% of the first round picks will be complete busts. If you're the Bears, that number would be more like 98% (see: Cedric Benson, Michael Haynes, Marc Columbo, David Terrell, the forementioned McDumbfuck, Curtis Enis, Walt Harris, Rashaan Salaam, John Theirry, Alonzo Spellman, Stan "False Start Offense Number 60" Thomas).

Anyways, I think you get the point. Over the past 30 years, the Bears have only drafted three offensive lineman, and only one turned out a good career: Keith Van Horne in '81. This year needs to bring the fourth. As much as I would like the Bears to draft someone like Rashard Mendenhall or Johnathan Stewart, the offense will be complete dick if there's no holes opened up for the running game or protection for either the Terrorist or the Beard.

However, I think the Bears do need to use their second round pick (#44) for another back. It will obviously depend on who's available, as you can pretty much name any position and they'll probably need depth there. But's it obvious Garrett Wolfe will not pan out, and Adrian Peterson should continue to the be the back-up/third down back. As far as I'm concerned, Benson is dead to me.

Despite the fact that the everyone puts way too much hype in the draft, I still can't think of any day that excites me more that has nothing to do with an actual game. I get up early, crack open my first ice cold Miller Lite, and let the pandemonium begin. Now that I think about it, I've actually never done a mock draft before. I think I might do that just to see what happens.

In other Bears news, Brandon McGowan has been resigned to a 1-year deal. And you know what that means. Fucking Super Bowl bound now, that's what.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Pooping at Work: Awkward Encounters or Free Thinking Time?

I've been sitting on this one for a while now. (Did you see what I did there?) Today seems like the perfect day to unleash this age-old debate, so here goes.

Every single day, millions of us white-collar stiffs file into our offices and go about our usual routine of avoiding work and secretley emailing co-workers funny jokes and links to Gisele Bundchen's bare ass.

While there are some exciting things during the typical workday (see: lunch), there also are a few things that are inevitably going to occur. I'm talking about pooping.

There are two schools of thought on the issue of pooping at work and I just want to address both of them and see what you think is the best argument. I myself, usually have no problems with pooping at work but there are a few aspects about the whole procedure of it that sometimes can truly be as awkward as that first time your parents caught you looking at porn. Yea, yesterday was rough.

Moving on.

The first side of the pooping at work issue are the people who are so afraid of the awkward encounters surrounded by taking a dump in the employee bathroom, that they will either hold it in, or head out of the office in hopes of finding a neutral playing field for their business.

There are many reasons why this awkwardness is so scary for some people, and I see them everyday in my office. Here's just a few examples of encounters I've had with some of the other employees in this fine media outlet.

First of all, let me just say that on our floor there are three, count 'em, three women's bathrooms and only one men's bathroom. And the one men's bathroom is about the size of a file cabinet. Everytime I walk in and both my shoulders touch the walls, I want to punch a baby. The reason why there are three bathrooms for the bitches on my floor and only one for the men is because back in the day, women were only allowed to perform only the simplest of tasks. These included: answering phones and placing ads in the newspaper.


Now, thanks to all those bra-burners, men and women can co-exist in the same working environment, with little to no daily sexual harrassment. The times may have changed, but the skanks on my floor are still douching themselves in the bathroom of their choice, while I'm forced to relieve myself in our little matchbook-sized pisser.

The main thing I hate when taking a shit at work is when someone next to you is also shitting. If I go into the stall and someone is in the other stall, I politely wash my hands as to not offend the person innocently shitting and leave.

If it's an emergency and I've got to make something happen, I may or may not just sit down and go for it. Which leads me to my next problem with shitting with someone in the bathroom: there's no way you can act like you do at home when you're taking a shit at work, it's just not the same. After a night filled with $1 beers and bar food, my stomach is fighting a civil war with my colon in an effort to rid my body of those lazy brown turds who all seem to look alike somehow. I would like to go into the bathroom and enjoy an article or two while letting the normal process play itself out.

However, at work, this is impossible. Farts have to be muffled, courtesy flushes have to be made, and god forbid if I ate Taco Bell the night before, I'm coughing the entire time to disguise the sound of the River Nile coming out of my ass. All this because Bob from accounting has walked in and I don't want him to think that I'm a complete fucking slob, even though I am.

Other problems are, but aren't limited to, walking out after a stinky shit and finding a co-worker who just walked in making the face you make when you smell something really nasty. Some people are proud of their work, but not me. I can't exit the room until I'm positive there's nobody in there.

Also, we have this little Mexican cleaning lady that somehow always seems to choose the time I'm shitting to come in and clean up in there. She gives the courtesy knock but even though I manage to utter out a "yeanotnow!" she always opens the fucking door. At this point I just lose it and yell, "go away!" and she gets the message. I like to think we've started a little shitter-cleaner relationship. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave her a little present, if ya know what I mean.

So fellow workplace shitters, where do you stand on this one? Do you enjoy shitting at work and throw caution to the wind while you're doing your dirty work? Or are you like those people who absolutely dread the next possible awkward encounter in the company bathroom? Either way, you're not alone.

Movies $10 and Under You Should Own: The Lost Boys

Noce and I are kicking around some new ideas with which to pontificate. While reading Steg and Trunk's Ode to Major League, it made me think...movies that you may not have seen that you should own for a reasonable price. Novel fucking concept, I know. With that said, I introduce the first movie 10 bucks and under I present to you, our reader(s):

THE LOST BOYS

CAST LIST:

Jason Patric: Michael
...
Corey Haim: Sam
...
Dianne Wiest: Lucy
...
Barnard Hughes: Grandpa
...
Edward Herrmann: Max
...
Kiefer Sutherland: David
...
Jami Gertz: Star

Corey Feldman: Edgar Frog

It's pretty hard to beat a crazy fucking vampire movie from the 80's with a pretty good cast. Kiefer Sutherland, the leader of the vampires is complete fucking badass. If David told me to drink the blood and be one of them, you're fucking right I'd do it.

The opening scene is great; its an aerial shot of the ocean coming up on the town of Santa Carla near a boardwalk fair. The vampires come, fuck this couple up, drink their blood, and move on. Most likely to play checkers in their layer and listen to Mr. Brownstone by Guns n' Roses.



In comes our introduction to Michael, the main character played by Jason Patric (he of the shitacular sequel Speed 2: Cruise Control) Michael, his brother Sam and his mother Lucy go to live with their Grandpa in Santa Carla after leaving Phoenix for fuck knows what. Lucy gets a job at video store (what a fucking go-getter) where she meets Max, the actual head of the vampires.

Long story short, Michael sees this hot fucking chick named Star at the carnival (as seen above), who is somewhat with David, I guess. He ends up meeting David, and David recruits him to join, which he of course does. Sam realizes Michael is a vampire, and enlists the help of the Frog brothers to kill the vampires. Ass kicking ensues, and the show down between Michael and David makes Jean Claude Van Dam against Tong Po in Kickboxer look like fruit flies fucking on Animal Planet.

I highly recommend you go buy this fucking movie if you don't own it already. It's great, and it comes at the right price: cheap.

QUOTES:

"Death...by stereo"

"How are those maggots? Huh? Maggots. You're eating maggots. How do they taste? (drops container) They're only noodles Michael. How can a billion Chinese people be wrong?"

"Hey, anything around here that might pass for aftershave? How about some Windex, Grandpa? Yeah, yeah, let me try some of that. You have a big date tonight, Grandpa? I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson. What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?"

A Great Start To The Season For Both Clubs...

It didn't matter whether you were a Cubs fan or a Sox fan yesterday...you were left a punch in the stomach to start the year that leaves you saying there's plenty of season left to go. After a tying 3-run HR from Fukudome in the bottom of the ninth (so much for my claim he might struggle early, but one game does not a month make), Bob Howry put on his Dempster game face blowing the tie for a tenth inning loss.

Fucking Zambrano left the game with soreness or some horse shit, no word on what his story is. Motherfucker better not stabbage my fantasy team, "THE ONE DOG". Yes, I enjoy paying tribute to lesser known players, not just in Chicago. Past examples include OIL CAN BOYD and The Runnin' Reboulets (Still my favorite name).

On the South Side, Mark Buehrle was in 2006 mid-season form getting his ass shelled for an ERA equivical to what it takes to fill my gas tank. There were some good things to draw from this game, though. Masset was awesome in 4 1/3 innings allowing no runs, Thome homered twice which means he shouldn't be dropping off yet. Nicky Swish and Orlando Cabrera got on base 5 times.

But here's what I thought while listening to the game on my portable radio while walking to the train (I carry so much shit in my coat pocket it's not funny..I refuse to carry a workbag). WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU YANK DOTEL WITH TWO OUTS FOR JENKS?!?! I understand his job is to close with the lead, but you don't have much options when the fucker loads up the bases. Get one fucking out with your best pitcher, head to the ninth with a chance to win so he can shut'em down. Dotel was all over the fucking strike zone. Bad call, Ozzie

Both teams are off today; and I'll have some Bears shit for you coming up around noon.