Thursday, April 3, 2008

Pooping at Work: Awkward Encounters or Free Thinking Time?

I've been sitting on this one for a while now. (Did you see what I did there?) Today seems like the perfect day to unleash this age-old debate, so here goes.

Every single day, millions of us white-collar stiffs file into our offices and go about our usual routine of avoiding work and secretley emailing co-workers funny jokes and links to Gisele Bundchen's bare ass.

While there are some exciting things during the typical workday (see: lunch), there also are a few things that are inevitably going to occur. I'm talking about pooping.

There are two schools of thought on the issue of pooping at work and I just want to address both of them and see what you think is the best argument. I myself, usually have no problems with pooping at work but there are a few aspects about the whole procedure of it that sometimes can truly be as awkward as that first time your parents caught you looking at porn. Yea, yesterday was rough.

Moving on.

The first side of the pooping at work issue are the people who are so afraid of the awkward encounters surrounded by taking a dump in the employee bathroom, that they will either hold it in, or head out of the office in hopes of finding a neutral playing field for their business.

There are many reasons why this awkwardness is so scary for some people, and I see them everyday in my office. Here's just a few examples of encounters I've had with some of the other employees in this fine media outlet.

First of all, let me just say that on our floor there are three, count 'em, three women's bathrooms and only one men's bathroom. And the one men's bathroom is about the size of a file cabinet. Everytime I walk in and both my shoulders touch the walls, I want to punch a baby. The reason why there are three bathrooms for the bitches on my floor and only one for the men is because back in the day, women were only allowed to perform only the simplest of tasks. These included: answering phones and placing ads in the newspaper.

Now, thanks to all those bra-burners, men and women can co-exist in the same working environment, with little to no daily sexual harrassment. The times may have changed, but the skanks on my floor are still douching themselves in the bathroom of their choice, while I'm forced to relieve myself in our little matchbook-sized pisser.

The main thing I hate when taking a shit at work is when someone next to you is also shitting. If I go into the stall and someone is in the other stall, I politely wash my hands as to not offend the person innocently shitting and leave.

If it's an emergency and I've got to make something happen, I may or may not just sit down and go for it. Which leads me to my next problem with shitting with someone in the bathroom: there's no way you can act like you do at home when you're taking a shit at work, it's just not the same. After a night filled with $1 beers and bar food, my stomach is fighting a civil war with my colon in an effort to rid my body of those lazy brown turds who all seem to look alike somehow. I would like to go into the bathroom and enjoy an article or two while letting the normal process play itself out.

However, at work, this is impossible. Farts have to be muffled, courtesy flushes have to be made, and god forbid if I ate Taco Bell the night before, I'm coughing the entire time to disguise the sound of the River Nile coming out of my ass. All this because Bob from accounting has walked in and I don't want him to think that I'm a complete fucking slob, even though I am.

Other problems are, but aren't limited to, walking out after a stinky shit and finding a co-worker who just walked in making the face you make when you smell something really nasty. Some people are proud of their work, but not me. I can't exit the room until I'm positive there's nobody in there.

Also, we have this little Mexican cleaning lady that somehow always seems to choose the time I'm shitting to come in and clean up in there. She gives the courtesy knock but even though I manage to utter out a "yeanotnow!" she always opens the fucking door. At this point I just lose it and yell, "go away!" and she gets the message. I like to think we've started a little shitter-cleaner relationship. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave her a little present, if ya know what I mean.

So fellow workplace shitters, where do you stand on this one? Do you enjoy shitting at work and throw caution to the wind while you're doing your dirty work? Or are you like those people who absolutely dread the next possible awkward encounter in the company bathroom? Either way, you're not alone.


Anonymous said...

This is proud piece you've been stewing up, here. Here's my thoughts: Back in school, I would never take a shit there. You're in class for 48 minutes, and if you're gone longer then 5, people know what's afoot here. That's pressure. The pressure that made me wait to run back to my house for home field advantage. I one time had to shit so bad I faked sick just so I could go home to unleash hell.

Nowadays, I could care less. I actually enjoy the break from work along with my cigarette breaks. Although I can't stand when the old chinese man starts grunting in the bathroom. He does not make me smire.

stalkingerinandrews said...

Please file this one under "Way too much thought put into this post."

So, now I sit
Here thinking about how to
Include my experience. I can
Tell you I don't care to
Hear other people gripe
Every time I leave the crapper. Always flush
And ignore the smell, just like I
Do after you leave the room.

Lame, I know, but Mr. Hanky approves.

Anonymous said...


CWB said...

Very insightful buddy and I started a blog almost entirely dedicated to this issue (pooping) has since fizzled out, we obviously don't have your guys' level of commitment...we felt smart at the time though...i think i listed the link, but if not...

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Anonymous said...

Am shitting at work right now. I enjoy this as an extra break. Our Thai cleaning lady is 21 and prety hot though and has a tendency of walking in and starting the sinks while I finish up...

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