This Just In: Blackhawks Finally Don't Suck

While the Blackhawks are as popular in Chicago as Betty Loren-Maltese is in Cicero, I was very surprised at what I watched on Friday night. The Blackhawks don't suck. In fact, they handed Detroit their first loss of the season, and on the road no less. Now, whether you yourself are surprised to read that thinking either this can't be true or who the fuck actually watches hockey remains to be seen. But I'm intrigued by the fact that I might actually be watching more road games (Home games are still blacked out, thanks to the Wirtz family).

Rookies Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane are quick, and seem to have a good connection already, and veteran Robert Lang has already come through twice with game winning goals. While I bashed Andrei Zyuzin and Keyvn Adams (Still a douchey name with the Y) for being nobodies, they're actually pretty decent. While no one will still probably watch the Hawks anytime soon, I'm declaring my allegiance to make a consensus effort to pay attention now. So anyone who wants to jump on the bandwagon, please do so now. Because one day (I hope), I can call of you others out and say I was here first.

Having now officially started my own one man bandwagon, I will make this declaration. The Blackhawks will make the playoffs in 2008. This team is one year away. WHO'S WITH ME?! ANYBODY? Anybody? Buehler..Buehler?

Adrian Peterson: A Nightmare in the Making

(Photo courtesy of Chicagosports.com) It wasn't that long ago that a running back used to torch the then NFC Central. He was fast and seemingly invincible. You thought you had him stopped, and just like that he was gone. It's been quite a few years since I've had that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that anything could happen every time he touched the football. It's back. Instead of #20 running through the likes of Steve "Mongo" McMichael and Richard Dent, it was #28 going untouched by Tommie Harris and Brian Urlacher. Adrian Peterson is the new Barry Sanders of the now NFC North; and I hate to say it, but it doesn't look like he's going anywhere but the endzone any time soon.

Every year brings a new elite back to NFL. In 05', it was Larry Johnson. Last year was the breakout party for Frank Gore. This is the year of Purple Jesus. Here's a look at how the three stack up after their first five games:

07' Adrian Peterson: 96 att, 607 yds, 175 rec. yds, 5 tds
06' Frank Gore: 102 att, 465 yds, 167 rec. yds, 3 tds
05' Larry Johnson (from week 9-13): 146 att, 709 yds, 162 rec. yds, 7 tds

As you can see, Peterson is right there, but please note that the 05' Larry Johnson and 06' Frank Gore were not rookies. I also did some more fact-finding to see what type of rookie year the top 10 in career rushing had:

1. Emmitt Smith: 241 att, 937 yds, 228 rec. yds, 11 tds
2. Walter Payton: 196 att, 679 yds, 213 rec. yds, 7 tds
3. Barry Sanders: 280 att, 1,470 yds, 282 rec. yds, 14 tds
4. Curtis Martin: 368 att, 1,487 yds, 261 rec. yds, 15 tds
5. Jerome Bettis: 294 att, 1,429 yds, 244 rec. yds, 7 tds
6. Eric Dickerson: 390 att, 1,808 yds, 404 rec. yds, 20 tds
7. Tony Dorsett: 208 att, 1,007 yds, 273 rec. yds, 13 tds
8. Jim Brown: 202 att, 942 yds, 55 rec. yds, 10 tds
9. Marshall Faulk: 314 att, 1,282 yds, 522 rec. yds, 12 tds
10. Marcus Allen: 160 att, 697 yds, 401 rec. yds, 14 tds

Here's Peterson projected numbers:

316 att(20 per game), 1,924 yds (121 per game), 560 rec. yds (35 per game), 16 tds.

Now, I realize that this is somewhat of a stretch considering he ripped off runs against Brandon "Which way did he go?" McGowan and Adam "Thank god my girlfriend is hot" Archuleta, but you still have to consider that 120 rushing per game and 30-40 yards receiving seems to be within his reach given his past 5 games.

Since we are projecting, we must consider the history of his health. In 2005, Peterson suffered a high ankle sprain that cost him 4 games, and in 2006, he broke his collar bone after diving in for six against Iowa State. Now add in the fact that he's only played 20 games in the past two college years along with the beating he'll face in the NFL, it's not hard to imagine him missing a couple games.

With that said, it's pretty scary numbers this guy is capable of putting up. Only Eric Dickerson had more rushing yards after week 5 of his rookie season then does Peterson, and that's only by about 25 yards. Whether he shatters all the rookie records or not, I do know that awful, retched feeling is going to be back. And next time, it won't just be for the people in Chicago and Minneapolis to behold. It will be in front of the nation on Monday Night Football, December 17th. Let's hope Santa comes early with A.D. on the IR.

Name Your Sports Destination

So I get on CNN.com this morning, and scroll down past the same old bullshit when I see this intriguing article title: Beam me up: Just how close are we to teleportation? Boy, was I excited. I was really hoping it was going to be like next Tuesday or something. Then I could take my insurance money to fix my car and go buy a bag of cheese heroin or something. Anyways, Turns out they're in the preliminary stage of transporting single atoms, and since the human body is 10 x 28th power, we'll probably have to wait til next Sunday. But it also got me thinking about something else. If you had to pick 5 of the greatest events in sports that you could transport to, what would you pick? Considering it a fucking time machine, I don't care. Here's the 5 I want to see, and we'll start with the picture above.

1980 US WINTER OLYMPICS: US VS. MOTHER RUSSIA: How bad ass would that've been to tell your kids you watched a team of Ivan Drago's get their asses kicked by pint sized Rocky Balboa's? Pretty fucking sweet.

ALI VS. FRAZIER III: THE THRILLA IN MANILA: Although it was at the end of both their illustrious careers, what more could you ask for then two of the greatest heavyweights in history of boxing go at it for 14 rounds? Ali came out strong, Frazier came back, and Ali took the last couple rounds as Frazier threw in the towel before the start of the 15th. Add in all of Ali's antics leading up to and during the fight, and this is easily the match I would love to see.

2001 GAME SEVEN: YANKEES VS. D-BACKS: Sorry Noce, I would have obviously picked going to game four of the 05' series, but I decided not to go the homer route as I enjoyed watching the Sox win at Pinch in Carbondale. Anyways, that was the best postseason series I've ever seen, and being there at that game would have been awesome to see the Yankees dynasty collapse on a Luis Gonzalez bloop.

2007 FIESTA BOWL: BOISE STATE VS. OKLAHOMA: Again, the best football game I have ever watched. Every play, every twist and turn, you never knew who would end up on top. That hook and ladder almost cost me a broken neck when I saw it.

1992 EAST REGIONAL FINAL: KENTUCKY VS. DUKE: I could care less for Duke, but that is the best basketball game finish...ever.

Week Six: Pick Six Picks

This week is all about the turnover margin - who's forcing them and who's the ones being forced - and home-field advantage. Of the 12 games, only two teams are favored by double digits and five games have lines at or below 3 1/2. Thus, I am forced to look into other aspects in order to make the picks that will widen my lead over Dr. C.

Minnesota @ Chicago: Believe it or not the Bears are sporting the third worst turnover margin in the NFC at -3. Thanks Rex - you jagoff. Luckily for Chicago the Vikings are 0-3 on the road this year and have a dreadful passing game. This might be the NFL's shortest game with all the running that's going to occur between the two offensively-challenged teams. 21-13 Bears

Miami @ Cleveland: Both teams are a pathetic -5 in the turnover margin category and Cleo Lemon sounds more like a dish at the Olive Garden than a name for a quarterback. I'll take the Browns though because last night's South Park episode has had me thinking of brown stuff all day. 17-7 Browns

Washington @ Green Bay: Fuck Green Bay - fuck them right in their asses. The 'Skins are going to go up there and scalp those cheese-eating bastards and I'm going to like it. 24-21 Redskins

Houston @ Jacksonville: Jacksonville is +3 in the turnover margin compared to Houston's -1 and the Jags are starting to find their running game. 21-14 Jaguars

Cincinnati @ Kansas City: Even though the Bengals are 0-2 on the road I still don't think the Chiefs are legit. Actually, I think they really suck. 31-20 Bengals

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay: Tampa's +4 is tied for first in the turnover margin and they are 2-0 at home. Good enough for me. 27-16 Buccaneers

St. Louis @ Baltimore: No research needed for this one - St. Louis has more people on IR since the Jews circa-1948. 21-7 Ravens

Philadelphia @ NY Jets: Philly is a 3 1/2 point favorite on the road even though their road record is 0-2. Wow. Chad Pennington your days as a starter are numbered. 24-20 Eagles

Carolina @ Arizona: This one is the toughest one to call of all the games this week - even harder than New England/Dallas. Carolina is 3-0 on the road this year, Arizona is 2-0 at home, and both teams are exactly even in the turnover margin. Both teams are without their season-opening quarterback and the Panthers actually might be starting Vinny Testaverde - the man who sweats olive oil. I hate to do it Vinny, but I just can't count on you anymore. 28-17 Cardinals

New England @ Dallas: This is the game that ESPN has been hyping all fucking week. If I have to hear the word "gunslinger" when I'm not watching an Wild-West themed porno I'm going to puke. New England is good in every facet of the game - Dallas' secondary is going to let them down and Jerry Jones is going to lose his $1 Million bet with Robert Craft just like Mr. Burns did to the guy from the Shelbyville Power Plant. 37-20 Patriots

Oakland @ San Diego: San Diego is one of the two teams favored by ten points this week, even though Norv Turner continues to blindly lead this team. LT has to break out sooner or later right? 31-17 Chargers

New Orleans @ Seattle: The difference in turnover margin is 13 in favor of Seattle in this one. New Orleans has a pathetic -9 in the turnover ratio and they really, really suck. Seattle is 2-0 at home this year even though they suck only slightly less than Sean Alexander's boyfriend. 28-20 Seahawks

NY Giants @ Atlanta: Will this matchup between two juggernauts live up the excitement from the Dallas/Buffalo Monday Night game of Week 5? Will Christopher Reeve ever walk again? Hopefully you know the answer to both the aforementioned questions. 24-14 Giants

Week 6 Picks From the Doctor

Friday can not come fast enough. Having to deal with all of this insurance and filing reports bullshit is driving me up the fucking wall. I forgot how much I hate dealing with jackasses. Anyways, enough with the bullshit. This week is looking pretty tough to call, so hopefully I'll be able to cut into Noce's lead come Sunday. With that said, here's who I like:

Minnesota @ Chicago : Tavaris Jackson is back in the starting spot after a groin injury, and that's a good thing for the Bears. I don't expect him to be very mobile as I have pulled a groin in my once football career as well. I think Brian Griese is starting to get in season form, and I think the Bears at home should have enough to beat the Viqueens. 20-10 Bears

Miami @ Cleveland: Cleo Lemon will be starting in placed of the concussed old man, Trent Green. Here's some things were I Dolphins' fan that I would rather see other Cleo Lemon, in no particular order:
- A DVD of 2007 Florida Marlins
- A category 5 Hurricane come ashore in person, hopefully bolted to something
- Shaunie O'Neal's shopping spree before the announcement of her divorice
- An Alligator in my pool while floating on a plastic raft
27-9 Browns

Washington @ Green Bay: Washington is coming off of an ass-raping of Detroit, while the Pack will look to rebound. Washington looks good for the most part, and Green Bay's inability to run is bound to catch up with them soon. It will be interesting to see how Washington will attack Favre since they obviously won't be respecting the run. I'll take the 'skins. 24-21 Redskins

Houston @ Jacksonville: Houston was barely able to beat the pathetic Dolphins, and Jacksonville will be looking for revenge after Houston swept their season series last year. 27-17 Jaguars

Cincinnati @ Kansas City: Bengals offense good, Chiefs bad. Bengals defense bad, Chiefs defense mediocre. I'll take Cincy. 31-20 Bengals

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay: Tennessee is coming in pretty healthy for the most part while Tampa Bay has Michael Pittman and Cadillac Williams on the shelf. Earnest Graham seems like he can do a good job, but I don't think that's enough to beat the Titans. 17-7 Titans

St. Louis @ Baltimore: St. Louis SUCKS. 31-9 Ravens

Philadelphia @ New York Jets: Philly has looked impressive against one team, and that's not saying a whole lot considering Detroit's D. Until the Jets start Kellen Clements, Thomas Jones is not going to be effective because everyone knows Pennington can't go deep. I'm feeling a lot of points in this one. 35-31 Eagles

Carolina @ Arizona: No Jake Delhomme, and Mr. Mittens does not a good starter make. Will Vinny be drinking his metamucil and have enough to win a ballgame? I dont think so. 21-13 Cardinals

New England @ Dallas: I think it's still to early to call this one a potential Super Bowl match-up as alot can happen in between now and January. However, this is hands down the game of the week, and while I think New England will win, it will be interesting to see how the best team in the NFC stacks up against the best in AFC. 31-24 Patriots

Oakland @ San Diego: San Diego appears to be back on the map, and they should bounce back to .500 no problem. Of course, I said that about K.C. and look where that got me. 38-17 Chargers

New Orleans @ Seattle: It's bad enough that New Orleans has been the biggest disappointment in my mind so far this year, and now they have to show America again how bad they are in case anyone forgot. 27-14 Seahawks

New York Giants @ Atlanta: Over/Under on how many limbs Joey Harrington is going to lose is 1 and a half. Place your bets. 35-10 Giants

The Male Baseball Annies Team

I know what you're thinking, and this has nothing to do with Susan Sarandon or how many ladies these guys have claimed to go yard with. However, it does have something to do with Baseball Annies. These guys are the male versions of the popular Bull Durham term when it comes to playing for MLB teams. They've been here, there, and in some cases practically everywhere. The Qualifications: You must have played for at least 6 teams during your career (team skipper is only exception at 5). I've decided to go with one player for each position, and that includes one starting pitcher and one closer. So without further adieu, here's your all-baseball whore team:


JEFF CONINE, OF
I found this picture on all-posters.com, and I left the site wondering why anyone would want a Jeff Conine poster. Wait, is it because he's whored himself around to six different teams? HELL YEAH, IT IS! I can't wait for my poster to come in the mail.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Royals, Marlins, Orioles, Phillies, Reds, Mets



PETE INCAVIGLIA, OF
It wasn't easy to come by a Pete Incaviglia picture...maybe all-posters is waiting for him to sign off on waivers or something. What I did find on the first page of Google Images for Pete Incaviglia was a picure of Balky; talk about strange...perfectly strange. I also find it funny him and Mike Greenberg look so much alike.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Rangers, Tigers, Astros, Phillies, Orioles, Yankees


KENNY LOFTON, OF
Kenny is the ULTIMATE Baseball Annie of the past 40 years with 17 seasons played with 11 teams. Somebody get this guy a Valtrex commercial.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: TOO MANY TO FUCKING LIST


SHAWON DUNSTON, SS
Most Cubs will think fondly of Dunston, a two-time all-star while spending 11 years on the North Side. However, Dunston went on to play for 5 more teams.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Cubs, Giants, Pirates, Indians, Cardinals, Mets


JEFF CIRILLO, 3B
Cirillo has spent 8 of his 14 seasons with the Brew Crew, but just barely makes our list having played for Minnesota and Arizona this season. Cirillo reminds me of Jeffery Lebowski...the other Jeffery Lebowski who went out and achieved anyway. Only Cirillo had the full use of his legs.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Brewers, Rockies, Mariners, Padres, Twins, D-Backs


ROBBIE ALOMAR, 2B
When Alomar wasn't spitting on John Hirschbeck, he was winning gold gloves. The guy had a span from 91-01' in which he won every gold glove except 97' when Chuck Knoblauch won (if you can believe that). This 12 time all-star will probably make the Hall, but until he does, he can tote the fact that he made the Male Baseball Annie team.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Padres, Blue Jays, Orioles, Mets, White Sox, D-Backs


FRED McGRIFF, 1B
Hi, I'm Fred McGriff, and I fully endorse this video; or at least enough to put this stupid fucking hat on my head for 30 seconds. One take, and I'm done. Oh, Crime Dog. It still excites me to see you on Tom Emanski's dynamics of the Major League Swing, the same video that produced back to back to back AAU National Champions. So that got me thinking; when do you ever hear about some these kids playing in the majors now? Where's a new testimonial with one of players in the Majors? I guess Tom would rather keep showing the Crime Dog, and when I think of it, I would too.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Blue Jays, Padres, Braves, Devil Rays, Cubs, Dodgers


PAUL BAKO, C
Paul Bako is to MLB Teams as Travis Henry is to illegitimate children., and could threaten Kenny Lofton if he can manage to play for 4-5 more years. Bako has whored himself out to nine teams in 10 seasons as a serviceable back-up. Only time will tell, but until then, keep on your MLB Paris Hilton grind, Paul.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Tigers, Astros, Marlins, Braves, Brewers, Cubs, Dodgers, Royals, Orioles


STEVE CARLTON, SP
Carlton ranks 4th on the career strikeouts category after having been past by Clemens and Johnson in the past few years. While he played 15 years with the Phillies from 72'-86', the southpaw HOF'er played for 4 different teams in the last two years of his career before being released in 88' by the Twins.
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Cardinals, Phillies, Giants, White Sox, Indians, Twins


UGUETH URBINA, RHP
There are so many jokes running through my head I don't know where to start. And if Ugy was here, he'd probably use that machete from Venezuela to quickly end those thoughts. ZING! Before he was locked up, he was locking down hitters for 6 different teams, making two all-star appearences, and leading the N.L. in saves in 99'. I'm not sure if being a Baseball team whore was apart of his charges, but he's currently serving a 14-year sentence. Who knows how many more teams he could have cut apart...
TEAMS PLAYED FOR: Expos, Red Sox, Rangers, Marlins, Tigers, Phillies


BUCKY HARRIS, SKIPPER
Every team needs a leader in the clubhouse, and who better a man to follow then the man who invented Skipper whoring; the 6th winningest manager of all-time, Bucky Harris. Harris won 2 world series, in 24' as a player/manager for the Senators, and again as a manager in 47' with the Yanks. What's more impressive then him coaching for 5 clubs is how his teams finished. Out of 29 years, only 3 times did they win the division, and only finished higher then fourth four times. Talk about shitty.
TEAMS COACHED/PLAYED FOR: Senators, Tigers, Red Sox, Blue Jays (Philly), Yankees

There you have it, the all-baseball whore team. If you feel there are any omissions worth noting, please feel free to throw'em in there. Susan Sarandon, your gentlemen await.

Way to Go Wednesday

It's time for the weekly installment of 'Way to Go Wednesday' and since I'm between jobs and currently sitting on my ass watching 'Independence Day' I guess I'll do something productive. This week's WTGW is devoted to thrill-seeking retards and old sweaty Italian quarterbacks. Let's get this party started shall we?

Props to With Leather for posting the story about Travis Pastrana skydiving without a parachute. Yea you read that correctly. The dumb son-of-a-bitch really jumped out of a fucking plane at 12,500 feet over Puerto Rico wearing just shorts and holding a Red Bull. Two other professionally-trained sky-divers then jumped out and, after a couple minutes of free-falling, hooked onto a harness Pastrana had on under his shorts and they landed safely on the beach. His life was in their hands, man.

Now I know everyone has the right to get their kicks however they choose but seriously man what is wrong with you? There are plenty of alternatives if you want to feel a rush that aren't life-threatening. I'm sure Pastrana is rich enough to have sex with as many hot models as he wants - how about trying that out for a while Travis?



For being a total and complete fuck-head Travis Pastrana you win this week's Way to Go Wednesday...you idiot!

In other news, the #1 pick of the 1987 NFL Draft has been spotted wearing a Carolina Panthers uniform throwing passes. That's right, Vinny Testaverde is back! The season-ending injury to gumbo-eating Jake Delhomme has forced Carolina to sign the 43-year-old guido to a one-year-deal.


Good for you Vinny - I loved you in New England and I'm happy that I'll be able to watch you hold a clipboard on Sundays for the Panthers. Testaverde gives hope to all 6'5 quarterbacks who aren't good enough to start - you too can make a living as a backup in the NFL. Way to Go Vinny! You rock.