This week is all about the turnover margin - who's forcing them and who's the ones being forced - and home-field advantage. Of the 12 games, only two teams are favored by double digits and five games have lines at or below 3 1/2. Thus, I am forced to look into other aspects in order to make the picks that will widen my lead over Dr. C.
Minnesota @ Chicago: Believe it or not the Bears are sporting the third worst turnover margin in the NFC at -3. Thanks Rex - you jagoff. Luckily for Chicago the Vikings are 0-3 on the road this year and have a dreadful passing game. This might be the NFL's shortest game with all the running that's going to occur between the two offensively-challenged teams. 21-13 Bears
Miami @ Cleveland: Both teams are a pathetic -5 in the turnover margin category and Cleo Lemon sounds more like a dish at the Olive Garden than a name for a quarterback. I'll take the Browns though because last night's South Park episode has had me thinking of brown stuff all day. 17-7 Browns
Washington @ Green Bay: Fuck Green Bay - fuck them right in their asses. The 'Skins are going to go up there and scalp those cheese-eating bastards and I'm going to like it. 24-21 Redskins
Houston @ Jacksonville: Jacksonville is +3 in the turnover margin compared to Houston's -1 and the Jags are starting to find their running game. 21-14 Jaguars
Cincinnati @ Kansas City: Even though the Bengals are 0-2 on the road I still don't think the Chiefs are legit. Actually, I think they really suck. 31-20 Bengals
Tennessee @ Tampa Bay: Tampa's +4 is tied for first in the turnover margin and they are 2-0 at home. Good enough for me. 27-16 Buccaneers
St. Louis @ Baltimore: No research needed for this one - St. Louis has more people on IR since the Jews circa-1948. 21-7 Ravens
Philadelphia @ NY Jets: Philly is a 3 1/2 point favorite on the road even though their road record is 0-2. Wow. Chad Pennington your days as a starter are numbered. 24-20 Eagles
Carolina @ Arizona: This one is the toughest one to call of all the games this week - even harder than New England/Dallas. Carolina is 3-0 on the road this year, Arizona is 2-0 at home, and both teams are exactly even in the turnover margin. Both teams are without their season-opening quarterback and the Panthers actually might be starting Vinny Testaverde - the man who sweats olive oil. I hate to do it Vinny, but I just can't count on you anymore. 28-17 Cardinals
New England @ Dallas: This is the game that ESPN has been hyping all fucking week. If I have to hear the word "gunslinger" when I'm not watching an Wild-West themed porno I'm going to puke. New England is good in every facet of the game - Dallas' secondary is going to let them down and Jerry Jones is going to lose his $1 Million bet with Robert Craft just like Mr. Burns did to the guy from the Shelbyville Power Plant. 37-20 Patriots
Oakland @ San Diego: San Diego is one of the two teams favored by ten points this week, even though Norv Turner continues to blindly lead this team. LT has to break out sooner or later right? 31-17 Chargers
New Orleans @ Seattle: The difference in turnover margin is 13 in favor of Seattle in this one. New Orleans has a pathetic -9 in the turnover ratio and they really, really suck. Seattle is 2-0 at home this year even though they suck only slightly less than Sean Alexander's boyfriend. 28-20 Seahawks
NY Giants @ Atlanta: Will this matchup between two juggernauts live up the excitement from the Dallas/Buffalo Monday Night game of Week 5? Will Christopher Reeve ever walk again? Hopefully you know the answer to both the aforementioned questions. 24-14 Giants
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