M.I.A. Week 8 Picks

In case you have been wondering where I have been lately - fear not - I'm not locked up in some sicko's basement being raped and tortured. Wish I could say the same for Jon Benet...too soon?

I've been feeling lost and disconnected from the blogworld that I've come to know and love because of the stupid job that I started two weeks ago. Alas, training is over and I'll finally have some time to rejoin the imaginary world where we think we know what's going on in the wide world of sports. If my memory serves me correctly, I still have a commanding lead over Dr. C in the picks, so let's attempt to widen that some more this week.

Cleveland @ St. Louis: St. Louis : New England :: my chances of banging a supermodel : Tom Brady's chances of banging a supermodel. Got it? 17-7 Browns

NY Giants @ Miami: There is no home team in this one, as it will be played over in England. Yes England, the same country that produces people who enjoy bland food, Gwyneth Paltrow and soccer. Nobody wins in this game except the first team to make it back home. 24-13 Giants

Indianapolis @ Carolina: Marvin Harrison will be watching this game from the sidelines, allowing him time to work on his after-catch slides and dives out of bounds. The Colts could put their cornerbacks at wide receiver and they would still win, Peyton Manning could make even George Bush look good. 38-20 Colts

Detroit @ Chicago: My bears pick last week looks pretty damn good now, doesn't it? Actually it doesn't, because if Brian Griese hadn't pulled that 97-yard drive with no timeouts out of his ass to win the game, we'd all be talking about Bernard Berrian's lack of blocking skills and Ron Turner's horrible play calling. Barring any more injuries to people other than Adam Archuleta, the Bears should make it back to .500 this week. 27-20 Bears

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati:What the hell was Pittsburgh thinking last week in Denver? Was the offensive coordinator dizzy from the high altitude? I have no idea why they kept throwing long bombs into double coverage when you have Willie Parker. Hopefully the Steelers revert to their usual gameplan of running and running a lot when they face a lame Bengals' defense that is converting anyone and everyone to the linebacker position. 27-17 Steelers

Philadelphia @ Minnesota: If Tavaris Jackson can't go the Vikings will turn it over to Kelly Holcumb, my favorite backup quarterback in the NFL and the pride of Middle Tennessee State. Expect a lot of running plays in this grudge match. 24-17 Eagles

Oakland @ Tennessee: Vince Young is better than anyone on the entire Raider team. 24-13 Titans

Buffalo @ NY Jets: The Bills defense has been able to force turnovers pretty consistently this year (See: Dallas @ Buffalo). Hopefully they will be able to take advantage of Chad Pennington's lame arm. Trent Edwards, I have faith in you. 27-24 Bills

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay: With Michael Pittman out, the Buccaneers officially have zero running game. They've been lucky to get by with Jeff Garcia dinking and dunking around the field but I don't expect him to make it out of this week without throwing at least one interception. 20-13 Jaguars

Houston @ San Diego: San Diego is on fire, and I'm not just talking about the actual city itself. LaDanian Tomlinson is leading the NFL in rushing touchdowns and I'm predicting he'll widen that lead tomorrow. 30-20 Chargers

New Orleans @ San Francisco:How in the name of Hurricane Katrina are the Saints favored in this game? They are not good. Reggie Bush is not an every down running back - why do you think he had LenDale White's fat ass at USC? Frank Gore needs to step up and start producing some mother fucking rushing yards. 27-20 49ers

Washington @ New England: Refer to Cleveland vs. St. Louis pick. 41-10 Patriots

Green Bay @ Denver: This just in: The Packers are not that good. Who the fuck is DeShawn Wynn? The starting runningback? Jesus Christ. Denver should force Brett Favre's old ass to run around in the high mountain air, causing him to pop another Viagra, I mean Adderall. 24-20 Broncos