Thursday, October 18, 2007

I swear I'm not dead

It's been far too long since I have been able to sit down and contribute to the site that saw it's creation on that fateful day I got my wisdom teeth pulled and had nothing else better to do. Unfortunately, The Man has been kicking my ass lately, and boy does it hurt when that happens. With almost a week into training at the new job behind me, and a little over an hour before this week's episode of The Office begins, I finally took some time to bestow some pigskin predictions for all our new readers that happened to click over here from Epic Carnival (all 3 of you).

I have been planning a two-week countdown to the Bulls' season opener on Halloween but obviously the 17th has come and gone - sorry kids - looks like it's going to be a one-week countdown. Hopefully by the time the 24th rolls around Ben Gordon will finally finish nursing his "mild" ego, I mean ankle sprain and will be ready for the start of the season.

Anyway, without getting sidetracked too much, I present to you Verse Seven of my NFL prophecy. Let us play.

Atlanta @ New Orleans: Only a hurricane could stop the Saints from winning this game against the Atlanta Pass-droppers. 27-10 Saints

Arizona @ Washington: The 'Skins are 4-0 against the Cardinals in their last four meetings. That's not saying much because Arizona has never been good, but this year they really aren't any good. 21-14 Redskins

Baltimore @ Buffalo: As much as I'd love to pick this Bills in this popular upset matchup, I just can't. The team is riddled with injuries, there's no leadership whatsoever (fuck you Dick Jauron you robot-like son of a bitch), and Ralph Wilson's senile ass is apparently moving the team to Canada so he can get a lifetime supply of fish and chips. Michael Wilbon said today on PTI that the Buffalo Bills, an obvious small market team, are very similar to the Green Bay Packers. According to Wilbon, the Buffalo fans' loyalty to the team will keep them in Buffalo in the same way that the Packers' fans loyalty keeps the Packers in Green Bay. Well Wilbon, you forgot to mention that the Packers are actually a publicly-owned company, which the Bills are not. That's kind of a big deal when you say that the teams' fate is relaint upon their fan base. Fan ownership is a little different than fan loyalty. I've strayed way off topic - I apologize, I'm embarrassed. I'm still not picking the Bills though. 17-14 Ravens

Tampa Bay @ Detroit: Dr. C is going with the Lions, probably hoping that I'm going to play it safe and pick the Bucs. In the words of Kim Jong Il: "Aright, I'll pray arong." 21-20 Buccaneers

San Francisco @ NY Giants: Eli is starting to show the world that he actually enjoys playing the game of football. The Giants, and their 3-headed running attack will own this game. Time of posession is 9/10 of the game. 24-7 Giants

Tennessee @ Houton: Houston is allowing a very porous 116.8 rushing yards per game this season. If Vince Young can play, and I think he will, look for the Titans to run all over the Texans. VY is always hyped to return to his home state and face the team that passed over him so I'm going with Tennessee. 20-17 Titans

New England @ Miami: Hopefully by Sunday the Red Sox will be ousted from the MLB Playoffs. This will give me some peace of mind because if the Sawx advance and somehow win the World Series, I will be near suicidal because there's no way the Patriots aren't winning the Super Bowl this year. 38-3 Patriots

NY Jets @ Cincinnati: I've been getting killed all year by the Bengals - everytime I pick them they lose and the one time I didn't pick them they actually won. They have one of the best quarterbacks in the league and two of the top ten wide recievers and they still can't win because they have no defense. Thank God the Jets really suck though, because I just can't stop picking the Bengals to win. 28-24 Bengals

Kansas City @ Oakland: I had to go all the way back to 2002 to find the last time the Raiders beat the Chiefs, the Chiefs are 8-0 against the Raiders since losing 24-0 in that Holiday Classic. Oakland is giving up more than 350 total yards of offense on average this year, so the Chiefs should at least reach around 200 or so. That will be good enough for a win. 20-14 Chiefs

Chicago @ Philadelphia: I've stuck with the Bears all year, despite Dr. C's constant waffling. Call me crazy but I'm going to go with Da Bears again, even though Griese will surely be a non-moving target for blitzing Philly defenders and Cedric Benson's inability to not fall down after two yards is painful to watch. Seriously Bears - lineup Devin Hester 15 yards behind Olin Kruetz on every offensive play and let him do what he does best: take it to the house. I seriously looked into buying a few weeks back and it was available, but I'm a big pussy and that's why I work at Initech. 24-23 Bears

St. Louis @ Seattle: Another matchup between two titans of the NFC...ha. 24-12 Seahawks

Minnesota @ Dallas: T.O. has been pretty calm this year. He's befriended Tony Romo, treated the media with a relatively high degree of respect, and even has gotten along with head coach Wade Phillips. That's all going to end after the Cowboys' offense struggles and T.O. is forced to watch his team get beat up while sitting on the sidelines holding onto the only ball he'll see all game. 27-20 Vikings

Pittsburgh @ Denver: Pittsburgh has quietly amassed an impressive 4-1 record this season under rookie head coach Mike Tomlin. Their system of pounding the ball on the ground and playing swarming defense is pretty flawless and the Steelers will enjoy a lot of success this season. It's too bad the Steelers have no chance at getting anywhere near the Super Bowl with the 800 lb. gorilla in a Patriots uniform sitting right in the Steeler's way. They'll beat the Broncos though - and chances are there'll be less fans in the stands for the third quarter of this one as there were during the Chargers' raping of the Broncos. 31-13 Steelers

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville: I am very much looking forward to Monday night's game. The Jaguars have an excellent defense and their offense is starting to fire on all cylinders. That should give Peyton Manning just enough incentive to showcase his limitless talent to a nationwide audience. Prepare to be witnesses. 30-20 Colts

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT!! I get to leave my shit-ass job and you have the balls to pick the viqueens over Dallas?! The stars have aligned! I'm really am destined for better things in life!!!!!!!!