Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Where Are They Now?: Bryant "Big Country" Reeves


There are many athletes who come and go over the years. Some last a long time, and etch out a spot forever in our lives like a Walter Payton or Michael Jordan. Then there's those who are but a dot in the sports portrait of our minds. Starting today at Chicago Bull, every Wednesday we'll be illuminating one of those dots to let you know what that athlete has been up to since they've left the limelight. And our first feature is a hard man to forget in terms of size. He's none other then Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, and we happened to catch up with him for the story:

It wasn't that long ago that a mountain of a man came in the NBA fresh off a convincing NCAA Tournament run in which he led his Cowboys to the Final Four. Selected sixth over all in the NBA Draft by the expansion Vancouver Grizzlies, Bryant Reeves was to be the face of the new franchise. With a lumberjack stature, the Grizzlies found a man who matched their name, and he was certainly that: Grizzly. In his rookie year, he averaged 13.3 ppg and 7.4 rpg as the Grizzlies felt the pain of a 15-67 inaugural season. Reeves followed the next years with respectable numbers, averaging over 16 points and close to 8 rebounds in both seasons. But after signing a 6 year, 65 million dollar deal in 1997, Reeves became complacent, and hungry. In fact, very hungry. Reeves once showed up to training camp 40 pounds overweight.

After his sharp decline in his fourth NBA season, Reeves developed chronic back pain. He was never again the same player in his earlier years, and retired midway through the 2001-2002 season. According to Basketball-Reference.com, Reeves ended up netting somewhere in the neighborhood of 42 million for his 6 campaign. We had our newest intern here Timmy head down to Fort Smith, Arkansas to interview Big Country, and when you hear the what's been happening with the former first rounder, it shouldn't be surprising...

Reeves: Yeah, I just got in the International Federation of Competitive Eating. I figured if I take out Bear Claws two at a time, why not make it a sport. Did you like that Tommy Boy reference there? That movie was just about as funny as when I made my old feller Ernie pick up a turd I laid in the front lawn as a joke.

Chicago Bull: Fabulous, Bryant. So how long have been in the league? Will we be seeing you soon up against Joey Chestnutt or Kobayashi?

BR: I reckon. I've been having a tough time sizing up a Jim "The Locust" LeFevre or a Jim "Buffalo" Reeves.

CB: Are they higher ranked then you?

BR: I'm not sure. I'm more confused why they call a feller "The Locust" or if Jim is my cousin after all.

CB: So what are your plans for the upcoming year in terms of conditioning for main events?

BR: Anything that gets in my way. Wings, Deer, Rabbits, Squirrels, The neighbor kid up the street. Anything.

CB: Haha, that's a good one.

BR: You betcha, I'm waiting for Halloween to pick off the lil' feller. He'll have a stomach full of chocoloate. It'll be like a meaty tootsie pop with the center and all.

CB: That's terrible. So what else has been going on in your life?

BR: Well, I did manage to get mahself a little lady in my life.

CB: Congratulations! What's her name?

BR: Svetlana. And she's the purdyiest thing I could hope for. Don't speak to well, but that never bothered me.

CB: How did you two meet?

BR: Well, I was on the danged internet, when ole' BC got himself an email. Said my name is Svetlana, I am from Russia, and I would love to love you. Figured it sounded good enough, what the hell?! So for a small fee, I flew the old girl out to Nevada where we got married.

CB: She's a Russian mail order bride?

BR: No, she's from Russia, and she's my bride.

CB: Right.

BR: Yeah, well the honeymoon was fantastic, I tell you. Went to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and had ourselves a threesome with ms. Isabella Soprano.

CB: No kidding.

BR: Yeah. One hell of a night dropping 20 grand so she could take the cream out of my ding-dong.

CB: Good god. Well, if you don't me asking, how's everything been financially?

BR: Not the best of times. Made some pretty bad investiments on that whole Enron place. Thought for sure if a team was willing to name their stadium after your company you must be doing something right.

CB: They had to pay for that. It's naming rights.

BR: Whatever the hell it was it fucked me out of more money then that vietnamese hooker name upay.

CB: Wow. So let me get this straight. You married a Russian mail order bride, pissed all your money away on Enron and a hooker who I doubt was named upay, and now you're slob ass is eating more then you ever have before.

BR: I don't like your tone, my man. And for that----------------------

That's all that was left on the taped interview we got back. It was sent to us in a package along young Timmy's hand. We don't know if Reeves was hungry and has turned into the next Jeffrey Dahmer, but it doesn't look good for the neighbor kid either.

Next week on Chicago Bull, a rousing interview with Brian Bosworth entitled: From Coke to Whores, I did it all.

(PLEASE NOTE THIS STORY IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FALSE. NOBODY WAS HARMED IN THE BULLSHITING OF THIS STORY. IT IS MEANT FOR PURE ENTERTAINMENT, AND THAT ONLY. BUT TIMMY REALLY IS NO LONGER APART OF CHICAGO BULL - DR.C)

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice article you TOOL

EPIC FAIL OF A WEBSITE said...

That interview was probably one of the least funny things that I have ever read. I laughed more times the last time I watched "Schlinder's List"

Elven said...

If I were Bryant Reeves I would sue for slander. Not only is the interview not funny but a lot of people will think it's true because they will get disgusted with him and won't finish reading. Now I really would like to know the truth about what's become of him since he graduated from Gans a few years before my sons.

Anonymous said...

Elven he is in the mall right now in Fort Smith he talking to somebody about making a land investment so he seems to be doing ok! and he looks like grizzly adams with the beard!

VanFan said...

Chicago Bullshit is right.

Anonymous said...

He is in Oklahoma and owns/operates a ranch.

Anonymous said...

With $42,000,000.00 in his pocket, do you think he cares what anyone thinks? Maybe that is why he was 42 pounds over weight???

Anonymous said...

I reckon BC oughta whoop your ass

Anonymous said...

I'm sure with 42 million in his pocket he is real happy.

Anonymous said...

the guy got paid and the rest is history he got a ranch a russian bride that dont mind a threesome he'

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