It has been far too long since we delved into the immense stupidity that resides within ESPN.com's commenting world. The problem that myself and Noce run into is it's hard to find some of these special specimens of jackassery that deserved to be examined and explained. There's plenty of your regular run of the mill douches, but they're not worthy of my time. Look at their profile, say douche, and move on. For those of you new to this bit, it's pretty simple. Find an ESPN member who is a band-waggoning fuckface and let him/her have it. I have been semi-actively searching for someone who I could lay into recently, and this morning I stumbled today's participant/contestant/laborer: Wesley Collins
As you can see, ESPN has changed up the format of their commenter MySpace page since we last lit into the tools. I think the new set-up sucks. Oh well. If you were to ask me to picture a 44-year old male living south of Pittsburgh who works in the Transportation industry, you could not have painted a better picture here. Wesley is the type of guy who:
- Appeals to the makers of Vault soda as their target market
- Tries to get pussy at the local bowling alley
- Has been to at least 7 Ronnie James Dio concerts
- Once declared Ron Tugnutt as the only guy he'd be cool with if he slept with his ex-wife
- Once did a line of coke at 2:30 at a Denny's while waiting for his Moons Over My Hammy
Let's take a look at Wesley's teams he backs: Pirates, Cubs, Mets Steelers, Celtics, Penguins, Bruins, Red Sox, Michigan, Pitt, USC, Orioles
As usual, I will not hold all his area teams against him. But are you fucking serious you coked-out tire lifter? USC? UNIVERSITY OF SUCK COCK FOR COKE? Ok, I'll give you that Vincent Vega. Michigan? Fuck yourself in the face with a glowing hot aluminum bat. Every Boston minus the Pats? Grab a box cutter and cut your taint open. The Cubs, Mets, and Orioles? I pity your existance as a human being.
For his one liner at the top of the page? "Want to be heard? say nothing"
Or in Wesley's case, grab a pair of bono shades at moms house and give a look to the camera like you do to those 7th graders at the arcade when you tell him them you don't care if you lost, you're playing again.
Wesley's greatest sports moment? A bunch of broken fucking sentences that he wrote after his latest 8-ball.
In closing, ESPN Members have a chance to tell you what they're thinking. Anything they want. With this opportunity, Wesley informs us:
college football ,it doesnt get any better than that,pitt will make noise,penn st. there all in jail.GA.,OHIO ST.,LSU,TEXAS,USC,CLEMSON,WILL RATTLE THE CAGES THIS YR.............LAST ONE WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF INJURIES WILL BE THE KINGSwe all know when the yankees loose its a good day in america.
Will rattle the cages this yr? What in the fucking name of thought process and conversation did you huff upon typing this slanderous pig latin? Sure, I too like it when the yankees loose. But there is no good day in America with you out on the roads of your transporation job, Wesley. You fucking Pennsylvania male Amy Winehouse.