Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Previewing The NFC North: This Could Be A Long Season For Los Osos

For the past three seasons, it's been nice knowing that going into the upcoming season, the Bears should be pretty damn good, and that it should be a good year. The roller coaster it appears however, has finally peaked. The pendulum swings back into horrific once again as we witnessed a team that went to the Super Bowl just two years ago finish below .500 last year. This is not an apparition akin to the 2007 White Sox. No, this seems to be much worse. The settled but yet malevolent quarterback situation which has lasted many years, the defense getting older and looking like it, the receiving corp which couldn't compete for a SICA West title, and worse of all...the freshmen B-team offensive line going up against varsity. Slaughter. So bad that Fred Miller and Ruben Brown are getting more calls from Ron Turner then Lindsay Lohan is getting from GLADD to join next year's parade in Boys Town.

Yes, that bad.

So with that in mind, I unveil my predictions for the 2008 final standings of the NFC North.

1. FUDGEPACKERS (11-5) Now that he who shall not be named because I'm fucking sick of him is gone, it will be the Aaron Rodgers show in Green Bay. And you know what? I really feel bad for the guy. He didn't bitch about playing time, didn't bitch about backing up arguably the best quarterback in the history of the game. He kept his mouth shut, put on a PR performance worthy of an award and waited patiently for a chance. As soon as he got the pay off, the fucking cheeseheads blame him for it, and have their 6 year olds telling him he sucks. Lovely fan base.

From what Rodgers has shown, a 13-3 team from last year will still be set offensively, and their defense is very good (though their corners are getting old). I would expect Rodgers to lose them a couple games due to his inexperience and the rigors of a playing a full season, but they're still the team to beat. With their hardest games of the year at home (Dallas week 3, Indy week 7), the rest of their schedule isn't bad.

2. VIQUEENS (10-6) Hey, Dr. Z. Yeah, you ya old penis-headed fuck. I normally fuck up many a prediction, but you my friend have taken the cake. Seriously? The Viqueens for the Super Bowl? Can't wait for you to fuck this one up. Are they a Super Bowl caliber defense. Absolutely. Just because they beat the Giants last 41-17 doesn't mean shit. The Giants were only down one when Elisha threw a pick 6 to choke. Tavaris Jackson straight up sucks, and is the equivalent of Kyle Orton with some scramble (and less Jack Daniels in his veins). If they were to lose Adrian Peterson to serious injury, they're a .500 team. They're defense is good enough to give them a few get me bys, which to me reeks of Wild Card birth, and out. Have a nice season fuckfaces.

3. BEARS (6-10) I was leaning toward 5-11, but what the hell I'm feeling generous. As I listed in my intro, I'll bullet out who sucks the most.

- The Offensive Line
- Dr. Jerkyl and Dr. Jerkyl (Rex and Orton)
- Trumaine McBride (Get Fucked, burn victim)
- The Receivers
- Roberto Garza (you get your own bullet, amigo)
- Defense
- Brad Maynard

Do I really need to say more? 6 wins, and we'll all be back to Bulls Basketball (except Noce who will be glued to every sweat gland that Nocioni has from the end of October on).

LIONS: 5-11 I think this picture is worth my 1,000 words:

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