"Who cares about Britney Spears? But she's on TV everyday. Why do think people give a shit about Jose Conseco? That shit sells".
Ozzie doesn't just want someone with a cannon to unleash on runners, but someone who will also eat the remains after blowing them up. Without further adeiu, I present some of the new prospects Ozzie's eyeing soon to be wearing the silver and black:
Charles Manson, RF
Sure Charlie's been in the pen for awhile. But he's due for parole in 2012, which is right around when the Sox will finally give up on the Jerry Owens experience. Charlie will be in the upper 70's at that point, but if Minnie Minoso can get on the field in the 70's, I'll put some coin down that Charlie can, too. Plus, he's been working out hard in stockyard weight bench. And he's been staying put so he's fresh.
Ozzie's take: I like Manson. He can hit ball goood, he a real leader. He come into clubhouse and make the younger guys respect him and do what he say.
Johnathan Lee Riches, 2B
When he's not suing Michael Vick for $63,000,000,000 Billion for his ties to Al-Qaida, or suing Jeff Gordon for $22,000,000,000 Billion for tying him to a bumper at Talladega, Johnathan Lee Riches is stealing left and right. He too will have his parole up in 2012, and with the lack of stolen bases on the year, Ozzie like what he hears.
Ozzie's take: We no have speed on the bases right now. We need play Ozzie Ball. This kid not only can steal, but he crazy as shit. That why everyone talks about him. I think he fit this fuckin' team perfectly.
Mike Tyson, DH
Does it get any crazier then a man who can hit a ball to Bolivian? At 41, he's in right in the Jim Thome age range, but doesn't pull the ball as much and can actually hit lefties which proves to be an immediately upgrade. When he's not on the white, you can expect in on the White Sox soon. Possibly by Sunday.
Ozzie's take: When you get a guy like Mike Tyson who's fucking crazier then me, then you say something. You say, if you throw inside on him, he gonna bit your fucking ear off. I would no throw inside him. That for fucking sure. Maybe I get him to punch that faggot Mariotti in the face.."