Thursday, May 8, 2008
Mark Buehrle vs. The Space Heater
/Buehrle enters dugout after getting shelled by the Twins to the tune of 5.2IP, 9H, 7R, 7ER
(Innermonologue) MOTHERFUCKER! HOW COULD I THROW SUCH DOGSHIT TO A SHITTY NO-NAME TEAM! FUCK! First Jamie said no more sex until I get a win, and now this. FUCK!
The FUCK you looking at, Space Heater?! Yeah you, MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT..ARE..YOU..LOOKING AT?! I'm talking to you! Do you know who I am? You fucking know damn well who I am! I'm the guy who barely reaches 88! I'm the guy with a beard from St. Louis! I'm guy sexually depraved for the past month! FUCK YOU!
(Silence still from the Space Heater)
No acknowledgement?! FUCK IT!
(Grabs Juan Uribe's bat)
Uribe: NO USE BAT! NO USE BAT!
Buehrle: Fuck off, Juan! LAMA MIS BOLAS!
(Starts beating the shit of the space heater to no avail)
Buehrle: Aww...Fuck it. I can't even beat a space heater. Wish I had a heater. All I can do is throw batting practice.
Uribe: Buuly..Can you teach Juan hit like that? Juan no see nothing like that in long time.
Buehrle: Forget it Juan. Va la cogida su madre.
Uribe: Juan forget to speak spanish. Juan no know what means.
Buehrle: I SAID GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
Uribe: That no nice. Juan go listen to Grandpa Contreras talk Octopus
(Buehrle exits, Uribe inspects Space Heater for Clues)
(Uribe Innermonologue) Man, Juan take home and think this one out. If help fastball hit, it worth shot...