Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Opening Day for Da Bulls!!


Happy Halloween, Fuckers! The 2007-08 NBA season officially tipped off last night, with wins for Houston, Utah and the defending champs. Tonight, your Chicago Bulls will be in New Jersey take to on the Nets, which has been house of whor..er (that means you Joumana Kidd)horrors for the Bulls. They've lost 11 straight games there, with one that really hurt at the end of last season as Mikki Moore ripped apart the Bulls, preventing them from taking the #2 seed. Luckily as Mike North pointed out this morning, the Bulls killer has departed to Sacramento, so thank god for that.

For a quick injury report, Joakim Noah will not be playing tonight with a sprained ankle while Ben Wallace is doubtful. For New Jersey, back up guard and UCONN product Marcus Williams will not be available tonight, and there's no indications yet if Nenad Krstic will be on the floor either.

Since the season is only two days in, I'm going to make my NBA predicitons, and if I go homer on the Bulls, sue me. It will be interesting to see what develops with Kobe Bryant over the next month, but I think that he will be moved. To the Bulls? I'm not sure, but then again who is, really? I could definitely see him going to Washington if he doesn't go to Chicago. The Lakers need names to keep Jack in his season seat. Anyways. Here's my predictions for standings, followed by playoffs, followed by individual awards:

EAST:
1. Detroit - Still the most complete team
2. Boston - Atlantic sucks outside of Raptors
3. Washington - Whether its Kobe or Arenas, they need to stay healthy to earn this
4. Chicago - I see them either in 4th or 1st, it'll be a finish race between them and DET
5. Toronto - They'll be even better this year
6. Cleveland - According to the Nike Commercials, I don't want to be LeBron..ok
7. Miami - Last dance with Mary Jane, but not for Ricky Davis
8. New York - Randolph and Curry should be formidable enough for .500

WEST:
1. San Antonio - They've never won back to back..that should shut every critic's mouth
2. Phoenix - Can they finally get over the hump?..probably not
3. Utah - Northwest is the weakest division in the West
4. Dallas - Coming into the season with the biggest chip in their shoulder, period
5. Houston - They're going to be up and down to start while figuring out Adelman's offense, but should be tough down the stretch
6. Denver - Can K-Mart play this year? He would be a huge difference maker if healthy
7. Golden State - They showed they can play, but how much more can they do?
8. New Orleans - I dont care who finishes in this spot, they're fucked.

EAST PLAYOFFS: Det over NY, Bos over Mia, Was over Cle, Chi over Tor. 2ND ROUND: Chi over Det, Bos over Was. EAST FINALS: Chi over Bos - 7 games

WEST PLAYOFFS: SA over NO, Phx over GS, Den over Uta, Dal over Hou 2ND ROUND: Dal over SA, Phx over Den. WEST FINALS: Dal over Phx - 6 games

NBA FINALS: DAL OVER CHI - 6 GAMES: I think the Bulls have enough to get to the finals, but the amount that's going to take them there is going to be alot. Dallas was the best team last year, got cocky playing Golden St. and lost because of it. Not this year. Much like I said with Chi/Det in the Central, it will be a photo finish in the Southwest. I think Dallas matches up well with the Bulls, and if the Bulls don't have Kobe, Dirk can/will hit big shots that Ben Gordon can not.

NBA MVP: Kevin Garnett
NBA Scoring Champ: Kobe Bryant
NBA Defensive Player: Dwight Howard
NBA Sixth Man: Leandro Barbosa
NBA Comeback Player: Kenyon Martin
NBA Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Urlacher's Blog and the Chicago Media Treatment


Add another Chicago athlete to the blogging world as Brian Urlacher has started his own on Fox Sports. Urlacher decided to join the ranks after his refusal to work with the Chicago media. For the past two weeks, Urlacher has given the local scribes nothing to work with, preferring to give short, undescriptive answers. While the questions they ask him are generally pretty bad and not open-ended, the guy has been complete jag to them.

Having worked in the media, conducting postgame interviews are something that I generally didn't care to do in a group setting, which is pretty much the way things are in the pros with the big names. When I was at SIU, we had press credentials for the Rams games, and I got to interview people like Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and Marc Bulger. All of which, I felt were very accommodating and willing to speak. That is, except former Ram and current NFL Network analyst Marshall Faulk..especially after a loss. I one time waited around for 30 minutes to speak with him, as did a couple other St. Louis Post-Dispatch writers, while the guy sat in the showers and didn't come out. When he finally did, he was already practically dressed, sat down, tied his shoes, and he was out.

I'm not saying the guy has been over backwards for anyone. But you know better as an athlete and a human being this our job. Nothing pissed me off more then people who were so fucking arrogant that they felt they could ignore you. Come on, dude. Do I really want to talk to you when you're pissed off? Of course, not, but do I need to? Yes. So just get it over with, give me a little something to work with, and be done with it for both our sakes.

Anyways, sorry for the tangent. Back to Urlacher. Look, you're playing like shit, whether it's your back or not, and I don't think the guys' making excuses for it either as he mentions that in his latest post. There's about 80 comments from fans for that one, and I'm not sure why I was surprised to see so many people practically sucking his dick with praise. The guy has been great for the most part, and I'm sure any General Manager would love to have #54 patrolling the sidelines. But come on. The guy doesn't pay child support, and every person I've ever talked to who has met him said he's a complete dick. I've heard this several times.

I guess my whole thing is that people think he's some great guy. You don't know him. Neither do I. If you want to tell him you think he's a great player, that's totally fine. I don't have a problem with that. But what I do have a problem with is Chicagoans making him out to be some saint. I'm not trying to come off as an Urlacher hater cause I think the guy outside of this year has deserved all the awards and accomplishments he's received. But when things go bad, acting like your real self to people who are simply trying to do their job is uncalled for. You may not like being asked why you suck this year, and I'm sure nobody else would. Danny Mac from Mac, Jurko and Harry on WMVP-1000 yesterday brought a great point: think about how he would be treated if he were in New York. They would rip him apart. It's not necessary, but everyone on the field should be held accountable for their actions.

I'm glad to see Urlacher take credit for that in his blog, and I think that's a great start. But do your job, and let the media do theirs.

Sox/Cubs Fans: How the Hatred For Each Other Works


Deep is the rift that divides the city of Chicago come every spring. After reading's Noce's post, it brought up something that reminds me what makes this city different from New York or Los Angeles. Now, I have several friends that are from the NYC, but not as many in LA, though I have a few. We'll start with New York first since I have a little more background knowledge there. I know several Mets and Yankees fans(I'm sure you're very happy for me), and the sense I get from them is it's nowhere near the hatred Cubs and Sox fans share for each other. A couple of my friends who are Yankees fans say they have no problem with the Mets going to the World Series, just as long as they Yankees weren't in it. They wouldn't openly root for them, but they wouldn't detest them or get up in arms about. To me, it sounds like your team does what it does, and we do what we do. On the flip side of that, most Mets fans feel like they're not willing to cheer for the Yankees, and don't like them as much as it is the other way around.

Confused? Me too. In terms of the Dodgers and the Anaheim Angels (FUCK YOUR STUPID REASONING ON HOW YOU CAN REPRESENT L.A...DUMBEST FUCKING LOGIC EVER, YOU NOT GET MORE FANS, OR CONVERT ANYONE ELSE IN RHETORIC, FUCK OFF WITH YOUR RALLY MONKEY), I have no idea really how that works, because L.A. has a different sports vibe altogether. But what the fuck do I know about L.A., I've been there once, and was just for a layover at LAX.

With Cubs and Sox fans, if it's not your personal friends, they're your personal enemies. Hearing shit from my friends is one thing. Hearing shit from someone who doesn't listen to your point of view, take any viable argument you bring up, other then say your fan base is trash/blue collar/dumb fucks...that's aggravating. And it never ends. You know the more I think about it, Chicago is a lot like Jerusalem.



That's right, the biblical, currently crazy Jerusalem. Think of Cubs and Sox fans as Christians and Muslims. Each one thinks they other is completely wrong, each feels they were here first, and each feels the other should be tossed from the city so that things can be dominated by one ideal. Any difference philosophically? I don't think so. The only difference is Sox Fans don't go into Wrigleyville and bomb it, they just get bombed. Cubs fans don't go around 35th and Shields because they think that have to wear shields and riot gear because "people get shot around there". Is it the nicest neighborhood in the world? Not really. Do I feel safe there? Yeah for the most part. You get a way different vibe from tailgating at a Sox game then a Cubs game. Cubs games, you might go to a bar, or if you know someone near by you can drink at their place. There's no room to set up an area to drink outside Wrigley itself because the parking sucks and is quite limited. At Comiskey, there tons of lots. If you get to the game early enough, You can head to the Bullpen Bar in right field, first come for seats, first serve. If you're visiting Chicago and want to check it out, I highly recommend doing that.

I guess the main point is this. As Sox fans, we probably watch and know more about the Cubs then most so called Cub fans do. Let me throw out the usual Cub adage: that's because you're jealous. Actual Reason: I take pride in knowing more about your fucking team then you do. I like throwing out the fact that Lilly at one point was 10-2 following a Cubs loss, or that Carlos Marmol had 96 K's in 69.1 IP. I can't say outside of going to a Cubs game that I watched a game from start to finish, but I watched enough, heard enough on sports radio to know what happened.

I will never understand the true idiot Cub fans. I would say 90% of all the baseball fans in Chicago are just like you - you can give and take the arguments with a grain of salt - and move to have fun and just watch baseball, and I'm sure it's on both sides. There's plenty of jackass Sox fans (Please see attacking Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa) out there who embarrass me a both a human being and loyal South Sider. But for the hatred comes for those 10%. The ones who think its cool to say Wait Til' Next Year, and all that other dumb shit that most true Cub fans hate themselves. For those people you ruin everything for us. You all give us a bad name. Hopefully, we'll never have to worry about extreme violence, but people have been killed before over dumb shit like this, in fact I think was three years ago a Sox fan was shot and killed a couple blocks from Wrigley after getting in an altercation. While the city will never get anywhere near as radical as Jerusalem, the divide remains. Each Summer, we wear our alliances on sleeves, getting beer thrown on us, shouting names at each other and occasionally fighting in the stands. Because we believe the other side is wrong in every ideal sense. And if you're not with us, we will pull a double play jihad on you..or at least we were going to until fucking Uribe booted the ball. He sucks.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Cubs & Their Fans = Losers

Let me make one thing clear about this post before people start questioning my allegiance to the city of Chicago. I love the Chicago Bulls, they're my favorite Chicago sports team by far, and it's because the city I was born in was not lucky enough to have an NBA team. See, I'm from the wonderful metropolis of Buffalo, NY, a city synonomous with wings and choking away golden opportunities at winning championships. So when my family moved from Buffalo to Chicago in 1993, I finally got to experience an entire city's happiness over a championship. Granted I was only seven at the time, but I remember it vividly. From then on I have been a Bulls fan.

Before I moved to Chicago I had teams I rooted for in the state of New York. My grandfather, my father, and pretty much my entire family have been Yankees fans their entire lives. Now I know you might be wondering why people from Buffalo would root for the Yankees when teams like the Toronto Blue Jays and Cleveland Indians are much closer geographically, but let me fill you in on some Western New York perspective: fuck that. Anyone who lives in Buffalo, or any other city in New York for that matter, and isn't a Yankee fan is either A) not from New York originally or B) a dirty Jew from Long Island. I could care less about not being within the city limits, the state that comes before the name "Yankees" is still the state I am from. I will always be a Yankees fan, and no asshole can ever tell me that just because I wasn't born with gel in my hair and a gold chain around my neck, doesn't mean I can't still support the men in pinstripes.

I'm saying all this now because of the harassment I've been receiving since Alex Rodriguez decided to opt out of his contract with the Yankees yesterday. The timing couldn't have been worse, with the Red Sox winning the World Series already putting me in the worst mood since I found out they weren't making a sequel to Freddy Got Fingered.

I'm not really sure if I'm glad to see AROD go or not, but what I am already sick of is hearing STUPID FUCKING CUBS FANS brag about how they're going to sign Rodriguez like it's as easy as finding a gay guy within a block of Wrigley Field. I always doubted the knowledge of Cubs fans in general, whether it was their blatant disregard for even the most basic details about the game of baseball, or knowledge of the actual players on their team (i.e. cheering for the "return" of Kerry Wood this year when it was just Bobby Howry). I'm not sure if it's the Old Style or all those day games, but Cubs fans are seriously dazed and confused if they think that they can just up and sign Alex Rodriguez to the contract he thinks he deserves.



Where's the money going to come from? I work for the fucking Tribune Company and they don't even have an employee education plan which refunds you if you want to get your MBA. Nobody knows what the hell is going on with Sam Zell and his plans for the future of the company (which includes the future of the Cubs and Wrigley Field). There's a major freeze on spending now because of the pending sale and because the Tribune actually opened up their wallets to pay to bring Alfonso Soriano to the Cubs, as well as give contract extensions for Carlos Zambrano and Aramis Ramirez. Think any "Cubs fans" know anything about the MLB Collective Bargaining Agreement? They can barely give the starting lineup and pitching rotation.

So shut the fuck up Cubs fans, you haven't ever won shit, you won't ever win shit and Wrigley Field will continue to smell like shit as long as you let drunk assholes drink to they puke every summer afternoon up on the North Side of Chicago.

Bulls Preseason Chaos

ESPN Radio 1000 (WMVP-AM) agreed today in principle with the Chicago Bulls in a five year deal that goes through the 2011-12 season. Yes, the same ESPN station that produced such hits as Mac, Jurko and Harry - famous for their "lovechildren" and parody songs - will once again be the home of the Bulls when it comes to radio. Check out their latest one starring Bulls point guard Kirk Hinrich. If you don't understand the concept of the joke, punch yourself in the dick and try again.


Former Bull Bill Wennington will be joined by veteran play-by-play man Neil Funk beginning on Wednesday as the Bulls open their season at home against the New Jersey Nets. After a five-year stint on WCKG-FM, the Bulls returned to WMVP-AM, the radio station that broadcasted their last NBA Championship.


All in all I guess it's good to have the Bulls back on the AM waves, even if it is on the Worldwide Leader's dime. Wennington and Funk may have to quickly adapt to a new Bulls roster as well as each other, as the trade rumors continue to surround the city of Chicago. After a hectic weekend of Kobe Bryant talk, Sam Smith of the Chicago Tribune reported that the Bulls wisely rejected a ridiculous deal of Kobe for Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah. Holy shit would I be mad if they really shipped two potential All-Stars and two more 1st Round picks for Bryant and his Sears Tower-sized ego.

Please Pax, do not succumb to the pressure surrounding Kobe, please. He still has two years left on his massive deal and you're basically mortgaging the next 8-10 years of the team in order to hopefully win a championship now. I say hopefully because what would be left after a trade for Bryant would be very little, almost as little as Kobe is working with now in Los Angeles - and we've seen how he deals with less than superb talent.

I don't want it to happen but if the Bulls are going to make a serious offer for Bryant, give them Ben Wallace, Thomas, Gordon, and Chris Duhon. The Wallace experiment has almost officially failed; Thomas, while impressive at times, seems to be coming along slower than anticipated and is always pissing off Scott Skiles; and Gordon really only is effective on the offensive end of the floor. I'm not going to go into why Duhon should be traded because any Bulls fan knows by now that he makes the players around him worse when he is on the floor.

Even though I have my doubts about the Bulls' chances of contending for and Eastern Conference title with the current roster, there's no need to panic now and trade away half of the team to get Bryant, even if he is the best player in the game. Think Skiles would deal with one of Kobe's famous "outbursts"? Hell no. This is the man that instigated a fight with Shaq. That's about as far as the similarities go between Skiles and Bryant - adding Bryant to the team would be horrible for the dynamic of this young team.

Now Playing in The Grandstand..


I typed in Wrigleyville for Google images, and this was the first picture that came up. Fantastic rack, face not so much. Hey, you can't win'em all. Anyways, I listed 5 cities that would be in some deep shit if one of their professional teams won. I could only imagine what would happen in Wrigleyville. Bad news, that's what.

Completely Incredible


You have to watch this play from Saturday at a Division III game in Jackson, MS. 15 laterals in all, and they scored. Incredible. Thanks goes out to Wizard of Odds for the find, this is one of the craziest plays I've ever seen.

R.I.P. 2007 Chicago Bears Season


That was it. A chance to move ahead, to salvage the season. Forget it. Forget this season. It's all gone. Whether it was complacency with their season last year, the injuries on defense, the Grossman/Griese debacle, and no running game to speak of; it doesn't matter. They are not a good team, and not one that deserves to even be mentioned when it comes to the playoffs. The question is, where can you place the blame on one more then the other? I don't think you can. Every facet outside of the special teams has been bad. Ron Turner's play calling: Bad. Lovie's team heading into games ready to play: bad. Benson running the ball: Bad. Defense allowing teams to grind them down: bad.

I don't even want to break down this team position-wise becauase they've already brokedown. To be quite honest, I fell asleep around 1 during the middle of the game. There's nothing that interests me about this team. They don't seem to care what their record is, don't seem to really be hungry. I heard several people this morning start asking about Orton. What do you think is going to change with him in there? Is he going to throw 5 touchdowns a game? Hell no. He's not going to be any different, people. The kool-aid for the backup quarterback in Chicago is one passed around every Monday morning the bears lose. Forget it, people.

I will post this positive this morning, however. Terrible blogger but great Tight End Greg Olsen is finally being utilized in the offense, and for the most part he looks good. He's had some key drops, but is showing that he will be a good weapon for several years to come. Lance Briggs has been awesome this year, and show be a Pro Bowler. Urlacher, not so much. I wonder if he's finally hit his plateau and is on the downside. The guy's 30, has been playing in the league for 8 years, and has carried the defense on his back for a long time. The back's apparently going on him whether he'll admit or not, and I don't think he intimidates anyone. The guy has never shed blocks well in his career, and now it's even worse.

Bears, you have disappointed plenty of your loyal fans this year. Everyone was excited for the thought of going to the Super Bowl again, the playoff run, etc. Now, it's back to the usual. Taking a quarterback mid round, everyone gets excited that he'll do something. He ends up sucking, repeat.

With that said, selecting 12th in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Chicago Bears select Andre' Woodsen from the University of Kentucky.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

M.I.A. Week 8 Picks



In case you have been wondering where I have been lately - fear not - I'm not locked up in some sicko's basement being raped and tortured. Wish I could say the same for Jon Benet...too soon?

I've been feeling lost and disconnected from the blogworld that I've come to know and love because of the stupid job that I started two weeks ago. Alas, training is over and I'll finally have some time to rejoin the imaginary world where we think we know what's going on in the wide world of sports. If my memory serves me correctly, I still have a commanding lead over Dr. C in the picks, so let's attempt to widen that some more this week.

Cleveland @ St. Louis: St. Louis : New England :: my chances of banging a supermodel : Tom Brady's chances of banging a supermodel. Got it? 17-7 Browns

NY Giants @ Miami: There is no home team in this one, as it will be played over in England. Yes England, the same country that produces people who enjoy bland food, Gwyneth Paltrow and soccer. Nobody wins in this game except the first team to make it back home. 24-13 Giants

Indianapolis @ Carolina: Marvin Harrison will be watching this game from the sidelines, allowing him time to work on his after-catch slides and dives out of bounds. The Colts could put their cornerbacks at wide receiver and they would still win, Peyton Manning could make even George Bush look good. 38-20 Colts

Detroit @ Chicago: My bears pick last week looks pretty damn good now, doesn't it? Actually it doesn't, because if Brian Griese hadn't pulled that 97-yard drive with no timeouts out of his ass to win the game, we'd all be talking about Bernard Berrian's lack of blocking skills and Ron Turner's horrible play calling. Barring any more injuries to people other than Adam Archuleta, the Bears should make it back to .500 this week. 27-20 Bears

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati:What the hell was Pittsburgh thinking last week in Denver? Was the offensive coordinator dizzy from the high altitude? I have no idea why they kept throwing long bombs into double coverage when you have Willie Parker. Hopefully the Steelers revert to their usual gameplan of running and running a lot when they face a lame Bengals' defense that is converting anyone and everyone to the linebacker position. 27-17 Steelers

Philadelphia @ Minnesota: If Tavaris Jackson can't go the Vikings will turn it over to Kelly Holcumb, my favorite backup quarterback in the NFL and the pride of Middle Tennessee State. Expect a lot of running plays in this grudge match. 24-17 Eagles

Oakland @ Tennessee: Vince Young is better than anyone on the entire Raider team. 24-13 Titans

Buffalo @ NY Jets: The Bills defense has been able to force turnovers pretty consistently this year (See: Dallas @ Buffalo). Hopefully they will be able to take advantage of Chad Pennington's lame arm. Trent Edwards, I have faith in you. 27-24 Bills

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay: With Michael Pittman out, the Buccaneers officially have zero running game. They've been lucky to get by with Jeff Garcia dinking and dunking around the field but I don't expect him to make it out of this week without throwing at least one interception. 20-13 Jaguars

Houston @ San Diego: San Diego is on fire, and I'm not just talking about the actual city itself. LaDanian Tomlinson is leading the NFL in rushing touchdowns and I'm predicting he'll widen that lead tomorrow. 30-20 Chargers

New Orleans @ San Francisco:How in the name of Hurricane Katrina are the Saints favored in this game? They are not good. Reggie Bush is not an every down running back - why do you think he had LenDale White's fat ass at USC? Frank Gore needs to step up and start producing some mother fucking rushing yards. 27-20 49ers

Washington @ New England: Refer to Cleveland vs. St. Louis pick. 41-10 Patriots

Green Bay @ Denver: This just in: The Packers are not that good. Who the fuck is DeShawn Wynn? The starting runningback? Jesus Christ. Denver should force Brett Favre's old ass to run around in the high mountain air, causing him to pop another Viagra, I mean Adderall. 24-20 Broncos

You Little Assholes


I as informed you last night, my intentions were to go dressed up as Inspector Gadget to my buddies party last night. I had many people tell me I had the best costume of the night, and seeing what other people came in (judging from the night, in some cases literally) I believed so too. So what do you do when someone has a great idea for their costume?! FUCKIN STEAL IT, OF COURSE! My friends brother had some people over too, and they're about 3 years younger then us. Little fucking pricks. I worked for 2 hours on the hat alone. It was the shit. Now I have a second Halloween party to go to tonight, and I'm completely screwed for ideas because my brain is clouded by barley and hops.

Any ideas? I know I don't do Saturday posts very often, but I just popped 3 advils for my headache and lower back from last night's spill on the deck I took. The deck was covered in mud, more slick then an persian's head before heading to the club. So what what do I do? predictably bite it, landing on the edge of the step, right on my lower back. Of course, I was pretty fucked up at the time, so it didn't hurt as bad. When I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had just taken a baton to my back and then held it there pushing it harder into my skin. Not good times.

Speaking of not good times, so there was a nice amount of coed ass running around at the party, which was great. So me and some of my buddies are picking them off left and right, and who do I get? A hot little blonde with the tightest body. Fucking awesome, right? Yes. But when she's seen her friend get raped, has been abused by her father several times, takes a ton of diet pills, is admittedly bulemic, and tells you all this in the kitchen in 15 minutes? Not so much. Of all the girls running around, I get the next one appearing on fucking Maury next week. I swear between the biting it on the deck, the little fuckers stealing my gadget hat, and britney spears junior circa 2000 when she was hot, not good times. For anyone keeping score at home, the doctor did get some last night, not much, but hey, Wrigleyville is like a lay-up with drunk broads wanting it. So thanks for the warm-up, because it's on. Hopefully, my back won't be getting in the way, because much like Willis Reed, I score even while hurt.

Friday, October 26, 2007

F-Yeah Friday

Sorry for the no posting today everybody. I was not at work today and my internet was fucked up all day...spent a fabulous time talking with Microsoft support. But problem solved, and it's most likely too little too late. Well, maybe not for you west coasters out there as it's 2:27 in Cali as I write this. So for that case, my quick sports thoughts of the day. I decided not to post about the Bulls injuries in last night's easy 97-81 win, which do worry me, but they're not considered to be anything serious, so hopefully everyone will be ready for tuesday's night match-up with the Nets.

Matt Holliday is a complete jackass, and was obviously impressed with himself and his four hits, becuase I dont know how you lean that far off the bag with two outs in the eighth. He cost them that game. Maybe Helton pops or groundouts, but that killed them right completely. I hope they can sweep the home series, but I doubt that's going to happen. Oh well, I picked Boston at the beginning of the year, and while I would have much rather been proven wrong, it appears I might be right.

As for my weekend plans, The Dr. will be in full gear as Inspector Gadget; yes, that's right. YAWZORS! I can't wait to bust that one out completely shit faced. Took me fucking forever to get my little hat-helicopter action going, but in the end I only spent 6 bucks, so that's pretty damn good, and it looks decent enough. In all, 2 kegs at the party in A-Town I'm going to tonight, and 1 to start things off in Wrigleyville tomorrow night. Halloween: Booze and drunk girls dressed like sluts. If only heaven is like this everyday, I'll be a happy man on the other side of the gate.

To send you off, the first song that ever got me into Pantera. I listen to everything when it comes to music except Country. Fuck that shit. Metal, alternative, rap, jazz. That's how the doctor rolls. Get shitfaced this weekend and stay out of jail you crazy fuckers, I'll see you on the flipside.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Luol Deng Sets The Bar For Chicago Ahtlete Bloggers


That means you, Olsen. I didn't realize Luol Deng just joined the blogging ranks until I was on Bulls.com checking their upcoming schedule to start the new season. He's only two posts in, and he's already giving Olsen's blog the bird. Here's a sample from his post this past Tuesday:

My Basketball Inspiration(s)
I started playing basketball when I was seven, but basketball was never really serious until I was about 12. I obviously looked up to Michael Jordan. Everybody knew about Michael Jordan and the things he did were just amazing, but I also followed players like Grant Hill. I tried to be like Grant. I’m not Grant, but I try to do some of the stuff he did. Being a similar height as Grant, it really helped me out and now I play the same position. Then I looked at guys like Hakeem Olajuwon just because of the things he did on the court. It wasn’t just shooting or jumping, it was the footwork and overall skills. I watched Allan Houston a little bit with his midrange game and jumpshooting game, which I thought was unbelievable. I always try to look at players that are very skilled and try to follow them.


Look at that. Insight, depth, what he did growing up becoming a professional athlete. That's what a real fucking athlete blog should look like. Here's some of the rousing stuff Olsen came up with recently, and I'll keep short since it makes me want to eat chrolox bleach:

The game started out well as we took a 7-0 lead after another great play by Devin. After they answered we went ahead again 14-7. We could not hold on to the lead. We fought back with a few minutes left to tie the game at 31. When that field goal snuck over the cross bar it was like a kick in the stomach. We fought our hearts out to get back in the game but the vikings made plays and deserve credit.

Fuck...it's like his 7-year old cousin billy is writing for him while practicing sentence structure at 10:20 before recess.

Greg Olsen, the bar has been set. Will you try to reach what Luol's got or will keep coming up with Grossman-like efforts? We'll see.

Remind Me Not To Stay in a Travelodge When In Britain..


If there's one thing I really never want to see other then the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 or Bea Arthur just after sex, it's naked dudes. So that's why I'll be steering clear of Travelodge's in Britain after a report today that sleepwalking has increased 95 percent in the past year. Apparently, most of the people walking are men in their birthday suits, and I can't imagine too many naked coeds running around in the buff. Here's something I found really funny in the article:

Studies have found that sleepwalking can be brought on by stress, alcohol, eating cheese or consuming too much caffeine. It generally takes effect an hour or two after going to bed, when people are first slipping into a deep sleep.

How does eating cheese have anything to do with sleepwalking? I might be the doctor, but I'm utterly perplexed. I'm immediately reminded of this great scene from a movie that 99 percent of America probably thinks is awful but I love it. Freddy Got Fingered..

Week 8 Picks From The Doctor


For this week's picture I went with everyone's favorite Monday night cheerleader. Although I hear good things about Heroes, I haven't seen an episode of it and I'm not sure whether I want to just jump in. The only real sitcom/week night show I watch is the Office. Anyways, I'm behind 6 games in the standings and its been a while since I've put a dent in Noce's lead. For those of you wondering or care, Noce has been like Rex Grossman to me...worthless and on the bench. In the past week he's made one post, and I had to call him to make sure he was going to do it. Since I didn't do Way To Go Wednesday yesterday, I'll give a short version. My Way To Go is for Noce for being a no-posting, gulbricking deadbeat. STAY OUT OF MALIBU, LEBOWSKI! With that out of the way, let's start making the miracle come back as only Brian Griese could last week.

Also, for those of you unaware and like to make some wagers, I pick three games a week over at Epic Carnival, so my three plays are in bold. I was 1-2 last week.

Cleveland @ St. Louis: This game should be sponsored by the local water treatment plant because it's going to be complete shit. LINE: CLE -3 31-10 Browns

New York Giants @ Miami: I would rather watch a marathon of the view then this game...Okay maybe not but still. 28-3 Giants

Indianapolis @ Carolina: It's not a question if Indy will win, but rather by how much? LINE: IND -7 34-13 Colts

Detroit @ Chicago: Fuck do the Bears need Vash back. He didn't practice this week, and it could be more of the Trumaine McIblowgoatassholeBride. Uh oh. Luckily for the Bears, Detroit sucks on the road, and Griese has been good. That should be enough for a 4-4 record. 20-13 Bears

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati: This is a do or die game for Cincy. I choose die. 27-20 Steelers

Philadelaphia @ Minnesota: I feel like the Viqueens could take this one, but the more I think about that Eagles D going off on Tavaris Jackson, the more I lean to Philly. 24-16 Eagles

Oakland @ Tennessee: Doesn't matter whether its Vince or Kerry under center, this should be no problem for the Titans. 17-6 Titans

Buffalo @ New York Jets: Here's another craptastic game. I'm going to pull a Danny Mac ESPN Radio 1000 and flip a coin; Heads Buffalo, Tails Jets...its heads. 23-14 Bills

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay: The Jags will be taking a 3 hour and change driving trip to Tampa, and The Bucs can mail this one in with Quinn whatever the fuck his name is under center. 31-9 Bucs

Houston @ San Diego: No word yet on if or where this game will be played as of now. San Diego will obviously have alot on their minds, but this will probably be the perfect thing for them not to think about their current situation. 34-24 Chargers

New Orleans @ San Francisco: After a 2-0 start for the niners, they're back to where they belong. After a 0-4 start, the Saints have won two straight. One on the way up, the other still downward. Expect more of the same. LINE: NO -3 31-10 Saints

Washington @ New England: Same description as Indy's game. 38-21 Patriots

Green Bay @ Denver: Should be a good match-up. Denver finally woke up against Pittsburgh last week while the Packers are coming off of a bye. But here's an interesting thing I found out. Green Bay has never won in Denver, and the Broncos are 10-3 in their last 13 MNF games. I'll take the Broncos, fuck you Pack! 24-21 Broncos

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Where Are They Now?: Bryant "Big Country" Reeves


There are many athletes who come and go over the years. Some last a long time, and etch out a spot forever in our lives like a Walter Payton or Michael Jordan. Then there's those who are but a dot in the sports portrait of our minds. Starting today at Chicago Bull, every Wednesday we'll be illuminating one of those dots to let you know what that athlete has been up to since they've left the limelight. And our first feature is a hard man to forget in terms of size. He's none other then Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, and we happened to catch up with him for the story:

It wasn't that long ago that a mountain of a man came in the NBA fresh off a convincing NCAA Tournament run in which he led his Cowboys to the Final Four. Selected sixth over all in the NBA Draft by the expansion Vancouver Grizzlies, Bryant Reeves was to be the face of the new franchise. With a lumberjack stature, the Grizzlies found a man who matched their name, and he was certainly that: Grizzly. In his rookie year, he averaged 13.3 ppg and 7.4 rpg as the Grizzlies felt the pain of a 15-67 inaugural season. Reeves followed the next years with respectable numbers, averaging over 16 points and close to 8 rebounds in both seasons. But after signing a 6 year, 65 million dollar deal in 1997, Reeves became complacent, and hungry. In fact, very hungry. Reeves once showed up to training camp 40 pounds overweight.

After his sharp decline in his fourth NBA season, Reeves developed chronic back pain. He was never again the same player in his earlier years, and retired midway through the 2001-2002 season. According to Basketball-Reference.com, Reeves ended up netting somewhere in the neighborhood of 42 million for his 6 campaign. We had our newest intern here Timmy head down to Fort Smith, Arkansas to interview Big Country, and when you hear the what's been happening with the former first rounder, it shouldn't be surprising...

Reeves: Yeah, I just got in the International Federation of Competitive Eating. I figured if I take out Bear Claws two at a time, why not make it a sport. Did you like that Tommy Boy reference there? That movie was just about as funny as when I made my old feller Ernie pick up a turd I laid in the front lawn as a joke.

Chicago Bull: Fabulous, Bryant. So how long have been in the league? Will we be seeing you soon up against Joey Chestnutt or Kobayashi?

BR: I reckon. I've been having a tough time sizing up a Jim "The Locust" LeFevre or a Jim "Buffalo" Reeves.

CB: Are they higher ranked then you?

BR: I'm not sure. I'm more confused why they call a feller "The Locust" or if Jim is my cousin after all.

CB: So what are your plans for the upcoming year in terms of conditioning for main events?

BR: Anything that gets in my way. Wings, Deer, Rabbits, Squirrels, The neighbor kid up the street. Anything.

CB: Haha, that's a good one.

BR: You betcha, I'm waiting for Halloween to pick off the lil' feller. He'll have a stomach full of chocoloate. It'll be like a meaty tootsie pop with the center and all.

CB: That's terrible. So what else has been going on in your life?

BR: Well, I did manage to get mahself a little lady in my life.

CB: Congratulations! What's her name?

BR: Svetlana. And she's the purdyiest thing I could hope for. Don't speak to well, but that never bothered me.

CB: How did you two meet?

BR: Well, I was on the danged internet, when ole' BC got himself an email. Said my name is Svetlana, I am from Russia, and I would love to love you. Figured it sounded good enough, what the hell?! So for a small fee, I flew the old girl out to Nevada where we got married.

CB: She's a Russian mail order bride?

BR: No, she's from Russia, and she's my bride.

CB: Right.

BR: Yeah, well the honeymoon was fantastic, I tell you. Went to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and had ourselves a threesome with ms. Isabella Soprano.

CB: No kidding.

BR: Yeah. One hell of a night dropping 20 grand so she could take the cream out of my ding-dong.

CB: Good god. Well, if you don't me asking, how's everything been financially?

BR: Not the best of times. Made some pretty bad investiments on that whole Enron place. Thought for sure if a team was willing to name their stadium after your company you must be doing something right.

CB: They had to pay for that. It's naming rights.

BR: Whatever the hell it was it fucked me out of more money then that vietnamese hooker name upay.

CB: Wow. So let me get this straight. You married a Russian mail order bride, pissed all your money away on Enron and a hooker who I doubt was named upay, and now you're slob ass is eating more then you ever have before.

BR: I don't like your tone, my man. And for that----------------------

That's all that was left on the taped interview we got back. It was sent to us in a package along young Timmy's hand. We don't know if Reeves was hungry and has turned into the next Jeffrey Dahmer, but it doesn't look good for the neighbor kid either.

Next week on Chicago Bull, a rousing interview with Brian Bosworth entitled: From Coke to Whores, I did it all.

(PLEASE NOTE THIS STORY IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FALSE. NOBODY WAS HARMED IN THE BULLSHITING OF THIS STORY. IT IS MEANT FOR PURE ENTERTAINMENT, AND THAT ONLY. BUT TIMMY REALLY IS NO LONGER APART OF CHICAGO BULL - DR.C)

Aaron Gray: Offense Good, Defense Pathetic


Since the Bulls have begun making regular playoff appearences, their biggest need has been scoring in the post. Enter this year's draft when the Bulls had the 49th pick, selecting center Aaron Gray from Pitt. Most people thought Gray would be a first rounder after his junior year, averaging 13.9 ppg and 10.5 boards in the Big East. But Gray chose to stay another year, and put up another 13.9 ppg and 9.5 boards. Not exactly mind blowing stats, but still effective. However, staying for his senior year hurt his draft status as more scouts got to see his weaknesses, causing him to slip to the second round.

Well, Gray has turned alot of heads as Scott Skiles has inserted him into the starting rotation for an opening day lineup that, barring injury, would look like this: Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Ben Wallace and Gray. The first thing I noticed watching the first quarter of the Bulls-Mavericks preseason game is his ability to move with his pivot foot in order to get good position and pass out of the post as well. He hit a wide open Nocioni at the top of the key for three early in the game. He can also fight for rebounds on the offensive end, as he missed his first two attempts scrapping for the ball and eventually drew a foul. He definitely looks polished on the offensive side of the ball, however...

THE GUY LOOKS LIKE HE'S WEARING CONCRETE SHOES. My dear lord is he slow to the weak side help defense. In a way, he kinda reminds me of Bill Wennington. Wennington was a good offensive center who seemed to be automatic from his sweet spot, which was 10 feet and in on the baseline. However, I think the line-up Skiles is tinkering with would work: Having Gray on the offensive side of the ball is perfect. You can have Hinrich, Gordon and Deng cutting and weaving as usual with Wallace setting picks, and Gray close to the hoop. Gray can get you the inside scoring the Bulls have desperately needed, and with his good passing abilities can kick out to the open shooters ala Tim Duncan.

On the defensive side, you could substitute between Wallace, Thomas and Noah. But I would never leave him alone without one of those players out there. He really is that slow. It's like when Stacey King does his famous analysis of a play, and says freeze it; then says ok now roll it. The problem is Gray never unfreezes. Just wait to you see him play..it's pretty bad. In terms of his first year, I think Gray can be a solid contributer, and I would be happy if he could add 10-12 ppg and 6-7 rpg. Overall, he's going to have to work on his lateral quickness, and that might be asking alot. But if he could slightly improve on that, the Bulls found good value at 49.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tuesday's Lazy Links


Yeah I know, I suck today. Whatever. Since people around the 'sphere have posted some good stuff, and I'm stuck in the middle of busy work and other bullshit, I figured today would be a good day for some linkage. Plus seeing Scarlett on the site is always a plus.

- The Angry T has a video game suggestion that would certainly encourage High School students to get decent grades for what lies ahead of them.

- The Big Lead has some suggestions for who should take over at Sports Illustrated, while Dan Shanoff has already made his choice clear

- Foul Balls is joining my one person bandwagon it appears, and it looks like more people are excited for the Blackhawks finally coming out of the woodworks.

- Nation of Islam Sportsblog is contemplating the real reasons beyond the firing of US Womens' soccer coach Greg Ryan, and when you consider his record there, it's hard not to ponder why.

- Finally, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes does some extra researchlooking at the future of contracts with professional managers/coaches

I'll try and do more tomorrow, but I've only got an hour and a half here, and the Tuesday Night Cricket tourney at the local bar is sounding pretty good to me.

NFL Week 7: Standings and Analysis


Houston really screwed me on my plays this week...but even if they did win, they wouldn't have covered. And since you cost me Texans, I will take this cheerleader home with me as reparations. Good, were even. Anyways, I finished 1-2 for the plays as Indy easily covered thanks to some bum named Quinn Gray. And I also lost yet another game in the standings thanks to those jagoff Jets who had a 23-10 second half lead only to piss it away. So I blame the Jets for that, and I'll be scouring your cheerleaders next. Oh, if only...



NFL STANDINGS AFTER WEEK SEVEN:

Noce: 67-34 (10-4 last week)
Dr. C: 61-40 (9-5 last week)

Individual Performance of the Week: I'm sick of hearing the guy's name who clearly is on pace to shatter everything that is single-season passing records, so I'll go elsewhere here even though he was clearly the winner. Kenny Watson put a 31 car, 130 yard performance with 3 tds in the comeback win over the Jets. While the Bengals stand at 2-4 and most likely won't be able to comeback in the playoff picture, anything is possible, and that was made true thanks to their win. The Bengals will need to go at least 3-1 if they want to make any chance of a run, and will have the Steelers at home, then go on the road to Buffalo and Baltimore before coming home to face the Cardinals. They have a decent chance, but some how they're going to need that depleted defense to step up.

Most Impressive Team: Indianapolis is quietly building moment towards their showdown with New England on November 4th. The defense is much improved, and their offense shows no signs of slowing down with Kenton Keith doing a great spell job for Joseph Addai. While New England is the team to beat, Indianapolis is the only team that can match-up with them.

Least Impressive Team: While there are plenty of unimpressive teams (ATL, OAK, STL) the one that should have been able to come out with a victory is the Pittsburgh Steelers who fell flat on their face in Denver. It seems like it doesn't matter who comes in Colorado these days for any sport. The Steelers will most likely be a playoff team, but they have a lot to correct if they want to get anywhere in the postseason.

Monday, October 22, 2007

More Miracles: Hawks Home Games to Be Televised!!


(photo courtesy of Chicagosports.com)What in the name of Tuomo Ruutu is going on around here? First the Bears drive 97 yards in under 2 minutes with no timeouts, and now the Blackhawks are in discussion for possibly airing some home games by this year?! William Wadsworth Wirtz is surely spinning in his grave after hearing this one.

Talk about a smart marketing move for Rocky Wirtz. The team is off to a good start, and if you want to start buzz in the city, this is exactly how you do it. I watched the game on Saturday night in amazement. Down 3 to 1 in Toronto heading into the third. What do they do? Tie it up in less then 3 minutes to start the game, and Mr. Big Game Goal Robert Lang of course lives up to his new nickname by putting them up with 7 minutes left. If you haven't watched this team, and by the numbers you haven't, you should give this team a try at least. Will you know most of their names? Probably not, but they're a fun team to watch.

The Hawks are currently in second place of the Central Division behind Detroit with Columbus coming to the UC tomorrow night. The thought of being able to watch it at home soon instead of listening does one happy Dr. make.

Talk About Holy Shit!


No, he is not the Pope. But he did pull a miracle yesterday in Philadelaphia. Under 2 minutes, no timeouts, 97 yards to go and no ability to talk with Ron Turner as his headset cut out(probably the biggest reason they won). Any situation that involves those circumstances and the words Bears Offense has the same fate as the Titanic. But sink the Bears did not..or at least not yet. Here's a look at the Bears remaining schedule for the year:

10/28 vs. Lions
11/11 @ Raiders
11/18 @ Seahawks
11/25 vs. Broncos
12/2 vs. Giants
12/6 @ Redskins
12/17 @ Vikings
12/23 vs. Packers
12/30 vs. Saints

Oakland looks like the only game that shouldn't present a challenge. But after that it looks pretty rough. I could see each game going either way, and as a Bears fan, I'm thinking if they could make it to 9-7, that should be close enough in the shitty NFC. But who knows? The Bears are going to have Nathan Vasher back soon, and as long as they get him back before the Seahawks game they should be in good position.

But before they start thinking ahead, Bob Babich needs to get the crew back on some turnovers. Now, I say this because they're starting to tackle better, but that should still be the main focus. I noticed two times where Trumaine McBride tried to strip the ball, but that was after someone else had the person wrapped up, so I thought that was good. And Trumaine McBride not getting ripped on in this blog is a first, so congrats Trumaine, but you still suck!

Brian Griese is who we thought he was, and still proved my point all along. What the Bears offense needed was someone who would not create turnovers constantly. So far, Griese does have 6 interceptions, but he has 8 touchdowns as well. Bears fans aren't asking for perfection; were asking for stability and accountability. That's exactly what Griese provides. There are times when some of his throws make me shake my head or call him a weak-armed douchebag, but more often then not the guy can make the throws needed.



Finally, this needs to be addressed. I will no longer refer to #80 on the Bears as Bernard Berrian. His new name is the Ballerina Bitch. Watch as the Ballerina Bitch as he attempts to block next time. His pirouette is much better then his ability to stop some in front of him. The Bears were on the 5 yard line yesterday with the chance to score, and a quick screen was called to Adrian Peterson. The BB's assignment? Block down on the middle linebacker to spring AP. What does he do? throw his hands out like a bitch and then move away quickly, allowing Peterson to get stopped on 2. WAY TO GO YOU FUCKING JAGOFF! Nothing like being a team player and taking care of your fucking assignment. You're lucky you guys won, but I'm serving notice that this will not be swept under the rug. If you're going to be on the field, learn how to fucking block. Prick.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

October is the Best Month for Several Reasons...


Postseason Baseball, the NFL and NCAA football season in full, and one of my personal favorites, Monsterfest on AMC. I enjoy Shark Week on Discovery in August, but for some reason, nothing tops Monsterfest in my book, and I don't even own a horror movie (Saw doesn't count, does it?). While the only draw back is obviously having most of the good stuff censored, (P.J. Soles' tits never get old) it's still great hearing that music in Halloween when Michael Myers is going to go OJ on somebody. Anyways, I wanted to bring to your attention that Monsterfest starts on Monday and will obviously go onto the 31st. Here's the schedule for this week for you to peruse..I have Wednesday night and Saturday night circled. Gotta Love the Exorcist.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Chris Mortensen: Who Wins, Jets or Bengals? San Diego, of course!


When he's not falsely reporting unsubstaniated claims due to those damn blogs, Chris Mortensen is secretly planning NFL picks that NO ONE SEES coming. Damn it! Why didn't I myself pick San Diego to beat those two clowns? Surely they like nothing better during their bye week then to show up to Cincinnati to kick unworthy AFC ass! I'm not sure how long this great pick will last, but check it out. Chris could be picking the Rockies to win the Super Bowl next week.

I AM AN FBI AGENT MEETS THAT WAS MY SKULL, I'M SO WASTED!!


That's right. If Jeff Spicoli and Special Agent Johnny Utah had a lovechild and fed him steriods throughout birth, you'd have Malibu. Back off, Warchild, seriously. Thanks goes go out to my co-worker Kyle for this nature's child..er youtube.

Looking Ahead: 2008 Cubs


What's good, people? There's not a whole lot going on today, so with that in mind, considering I did a 2008 preview for the White Sox a month ago, and while the Cubs have been done for the past two weeks now I figure I might as well do theirs. It might not be the most timely thing, but fuck it, baseball is still being played and it works for me. So with that said, I will forgive my enemies to the North Side and peer into my crystal ball to see what needs to happen if the Cubbies are going to do more then just show up to the postseason dance next year. Here's my key issues for the 100th anniversary of futility to end:

- Leadoff situaiton resolvement
- Left handed bats
- Left handed reliever
- 5th starter
- FUNDAMENTALS

Leadoff Situation: Outside of September when Alfonso Soriano was hotter then hell, the Cubs' leadoff hitters did a terrible job of getting on base. While his OBP was better then Ryan Theriot's by a percentage point, .337 is not even good enough for the top 100 in the league this year. Factor that in with the Cubs' lack of sacrificing runs which will be discussed later in this post, and it was feast or famine for runs. In order to present a more stable scoring option, it has to start at the top of the batting order. Whether that means expectations of Theriot or Soriano taking more pitches, or finding someone else either internally or externally, something has to be done.

Left-Handed Bats: The Cubs lineup is dominated by righties, and there needs to be more of a balance as Steve Stone noted during a conversation with Mike North in the morning within the past month. This would give the Cubs the more of a threat to disrupt how other teams go about their bullpen options later in the game, and in turn give them a chance to exploit advantages with some as well in the dugout. While Felix Pie, Daryle Ward, Mike Fontenot, Cliff Floyd and Jaque Jones are lefties, Floyd is a walking accident waiting to happen, and Ward wasn't much healthier either.

Southpaws in the Bullpen: In the 'give-nothing get-nothing' swap between the Cubs and White Sox before the '07 season, the Cubs got one month out of Neal Cotts before he vanished to who the fuck knows where. Will Ohman and Scott Eyre were not good, and should not be thought of as viable options in the late innings as witnessed many times throughout the year. With that said, a lefty specialist is exactly what they need for key situations.

Fifth Starter: Although he started the season strong, Jason Marquis tailed off towards the end of the season, but still managed a 12-9 record which is pretty respectable considering his tumultuous '06 season with the Redbirds. I think you pencil in Marquis again next year in the fourth spot, which leaves questions at the end of the rotation. From Sean Estes to Sean Marshall, the fifth starter has been a constant question mark for the Cubs in the past decade (but who really has a decent fifth starter anyways?). Marshall finished with a 7-8 record and 3.92 ERA, and should be given the spot in Spring Training to start. But the Cubs will need to look for a free agent, because after looking at some of their pitchers in the minors, things don't look too good.



FUNDAMENTALS: This picture should be in every hitters' locker when the Cubs return for Spring Training. This how you properly bunt: square your shoulders to the pitcher, and deaden the ball with the end of the bat. Why is this such a mystifying concept to National League teams? I don't get it, and neither do they. TEACH SOME FUCKING FUNDAMENTALS! I could only imagine how many more wins they might have been able to compile if they were able to lay down a god-damn sacrifice bunt.

Well, that's my solution for the 2008 Cubs, but like always, all these things will have to WAIT TIL' NEXT YEAR.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I swear I'm not dead



It's been far too long since I have been able to sit down and contribute to the site that saw it's creation on that fateful day I got my wisdom teeth pulled and had nothing else better to do. Unfortunately, The Man has been kicking my ass lately, and boy does it hurt when that happens. With almost a week into training at the new job behind me, and a little over an hour before this week's episode of The Office begins, I finally took some time to bestow some pigskin predictions for all our new readers that happened to click over here from Epic Carnival (all 3 of you).

I have been planning a two-week countdown to the Bulls' season opener on Halloween but obviously the 17th has come and gone - sorry kids - looks like it's going to be a one-week countdown. Hopefully by the time the 24th rolls around Ben Gordon will finally finish nursing his "mild" ego, I mean ankle sprain and will be ready for the start of the season.

Anyway, without getting sidetracked too much, I present to you Verse Seven of my NFL prophecy. Let us play.

Atlanta @ New Orleans: Only a hurricane could stop the Saints from winning this game against the Atlanta Pass-droppers. 27-10 Saints

Arizona @ Washington: The 'Skins are 4-0 against the Cardinals in their last four meetings. That's not saying much because Arizona has never been good, but this year they really aren't any good. 21-14 Redskins

Baltimore @ Buffalo: As much as I'd love to pick this Bills in this popular upset matchup, I just can't. The team is riddled with injuries, there's no leadership whatsoever (fuck you Dick Jauron you robot-like son of a bitch), and Ralph Wilson's senile ass is apparently moving the team to Canada so he can get a lifetime supply of fish and chips. Michael Wilbon said today on PTI that the Buffalo Bills, an obvious small market team, are very similar to the Green Bay Packers. According to Wilbon, the Buffalo fans' loyalty to the team will keep them in Buffalo in the same way that the Packers' fans loyalty keeps the Packers in Green Bay. Well Wilbon, you forgot to mention that the Packers are actually a publicly-owned company, which the Bills are not. That's kind of a big deal when you say that the teams' fate is relaint upon their fan base. Fan ownership is a little different than fan loyalty. I've strayed way off topic - I apologize, I'm embarrassed. I'm still not picking the Bills though. 17-14 Ravens

Tampa Bay @ Detroit: Dr. C is going with the Lions, probably hoping that I'm going to play it safe and pick the Bucs. In the words of Kim Jong Il: "Aright, I'll pray arong." 21-20 Buccaneers

San Francisco @ NY Giants: Eli is starting to show the world that he actually enjoys playing the game of football. The Giants, and their 3-headed running attack will own this game. Time of posession is 9/10 of the game. 24-7 Giants

Tennessee @ Houton: Houston is allowing a very porous 116.8 rushing yards per game this season. If Vince Young can play, and I think he will, look for the Titans to run all over the Texans. VY is always hyped to return to his home state and face the team that passed over him so I'm going with Tennessee. 20-17 Titans

New England @ Miami: Hopefully by Sunday the Red Sox will be ousted from the MLB Playoffs. This will give me some peace of mind because if the Sawx advance and somehow win the World Series, I will be near suicidal because there's no way the Patriots aren't winning the Super Bowl this year. 38-3 Patriots

NY Jets @ Cincinnati: I've been getting killed all year by the Bengals - everytime I pick them they lose and the one time I didn't pick them they actually won. They have one of the best quarterbacks in the league and two of the top ten wide recievers and they still can't win because they have no defense. Thank God the Jets really suck though, because I just can't stop picking the Bengals to win. 28-24 Bengals

Kansas City @ Oakland: I had to go all the way back to 2002 to find the last time the Raiders beat the Chiefs, the Chiefs are 8-0 against the Raiders since losing 24-0 in that Holiday Classic. Oakland is giving up more than 350 total yards of offense on average this year, so the Chiefs should at least reach around 200 or so. That will be good enough for a win. 20-14 Chiefs

Chicago @ Philadelphia: I've stuck with the Bears all year, despite Dr. C's constant waffling. Call me crazy but I'm going to go with Da Bears again, even though Griese will surely be a non-moving target for blitzing Philly defenders and Cedric Benson's inability to not fall down after two yards is painful to watch. Seriously Bears - lineup Devin Hester 15 yards behind Olin Kruetz on every offensive play and let him do what he does best: take it to the house. I seriously looked into buying fireronturner.com a few weeks back and it was available, but I'm a big pussy and that's why I work at Initech. 24-23 Bears

St. Louis @ Seattle: Another matchup between two titans of the NFC...ha. 24-12 Seahawks

Minnesota @ Dallas: T.O. has been pretty calm this year. He's befriended Tony Romo, treated the media with a relatively high degree of respect, and even has gotten along with head coach Wade Phillips. That's all going to end after the Cowboys' offense struggles and T.O. is forced to watch his team get beat up while sitting on the sidelines holding onto the only ball he'll see all game. 27-20 Vikings

Pittsburgh @ Denver: Pittsburgh has quietly amassed an impressive 4-1 record this season under rookie head coach Mike Tomlin. Their system of pounding the ball on the ground and playing swarming defense is pretty flawless and the Steelers will enjoy a lot of success this season. It's too bad the Steelers have no chance at getting anywhere near the Super Bowl with the 800 lb. gorilla in a Patriots uniform sitting right in the Steeler's way. They'll beat the Broncos though - and chances are there'll be less fans in the stands for the third quarter of this one as there were during the Chargers' raping of the Broncos. 31-13 Steelers

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville: I am very much looking forward to Monday night's game. The Jaguars have an excellent defense and their offense is starting to fire on all cylinders. That should give Peyton Manning just enough incentive to showcase his limitless talent to a nationwide audience. Prepare to be witnesses. 30-20 Colts

Now Playing In the Grandstand...


Noce is a descendent of Buffalo, and it will probably pain him to read my article over at Epic Carnival about the how the Bills would thrive in Toronto after news today that the Bills are seeking permission from the county and state to play a regular season game in the capital of Ontario as soon as next year.

NFL Week 7: Picks and Standings


Rex is still in a Bears uniform, and I don't know why. I don't even take the argument of depth when you weigh it in with the following: 1. You could have gotten anywhere from 2-3 round pick for Rex. 2. Grossman will be going his own route after the season is over. 3. You have Chris Leak on the practice squad, and you could bump Orton up to #2. You've already given him a chance, and while he wasn't the best at times, he did manage to get them to 10 wins as a rookie, and that's impressive no matter what you think he did or didn't do. For those following reasons, coupled in with the scarcity of NFL capable starting quarterbacks around the league thanks to injuries, it makes no sense for him to make stupid smiles and tell himself knock-knock jokes on the sidelines.

Once again, Noce has taken more of a lead on me, and I wonder when I going to get my Shawshank Redemption. I, Dr.C, aka this week's Andy Dufrain will start to tunnel through the jail cell this week.

Also, since this post will be featured on EpicCarnival.com, I will be making my three bests plays in bold including the line for you Country Club golf hustlers. If you get that reference, maybe you live to be a thousand years old. Each play is already my pick to win.

NFL STANDINGS AFTER WEEK 6

Noce: 57-30 (8-5 last week)
Dr.C: 52-35 (7-6 last week)

Atlanta @ New Orleans: Could it be? A winning streak for the Saints?
28-10 Saints

Arizona @ Washington: Jason Campbell >>> Tim Rattay. Not just once greater then, but add two more on top of that. 24-7 'Skins

Baltimore @ Buffalo: Baltimore's lack of offense has been their problem for the entire 21st century as we know it. But Trent Edwards hasn't faced a D like this yet. 17-13 Ravens

Tampa Bay @ Detroit: I feel like this could be a trap game for Bucs. The Lions are coming off of a bye, so they should be well rested. If I'm going to make any ground on Noce, I gotta take some chances. 27-20 Lions

San Francisco @ New York Giants: Alex Smith couldn't handle the Baltimore pressure, and the Giants front 7 is no walk in the park either. 20-6 Giants

Tennessee @ Houston: Vince Young sent a statement to the Texans after passing on him and Reggie Bush for Mario Williams last year as he made that awesome run to win the game in OT for the Titans. However, Young is day-to-day, and Ahman Green should be back in the lineup. 21-16 Texans LINE: TEN -1.5

New England @ Miami: I think they should make Belicheck a player/coach for this one, because he'd go for a buck-fifty against the 'phins. 42-13 Patriots

New York Jets @ Cincinnati: This is a tough one. Cincinnati's defense is the absolute worst in the league. Rudi Johnson has been a huge fantasy bust this year, and I'm not sure he's even playing in this one. I'll take TJ running over some fools in the Jungle. 28-24 Jets

Kansas City @ Oakland: K.C. has finally found some offense again. Why Huard wasn't throwing to Gonzalez the whole year, I'll never know. At least he found him again. 23-14 Chiefs

Chicago @ Philadelaphia: McNabb has a struck a chord with Kevin Curtis, and I would imagine he'll have Peanut on him all day. The question then lies in the match-up between Brown and Manning. Good luck, Bears, I hope you win. 24-17 Eagles

St. Louis @ Seattle: 35-6 Seahawks

Minnesota @ Dallas: Please believe Dallas will not make the same mistakes the Bears did against Purple Jesus. The guy can make wine from water with that offense, but not this time around. 31-20 Cowboys

Pittsburgh @ Denver: The Rockies are so hot...oh wait, were talking about the Broncos? Yeah, complete opposites. 28-14 Steelers LINE: -3.5 PIT

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville: Jacksonville is no push over, and this might be one of the better MNF match-ups this year. Hopefully we'll have more to talk about in this one from what happens on the field instead in the broadcast booth. 31-23 Colts LINE: -3 IND

Welcome Finnish Sports Fans


The world wide web is a wonderful thing. I always like to check where the traffic is coming from to see who's on geographically when I came to see natssports from blogger, a Finnish site linked my MLB Baseball Annies story. So for anyone from Finland who might be visiting our stie, I welcome in my fellow Finns as my Great-Grandparents came here from somewhere over there. I'm too much of a mutt now to know where from, but I'm mostly Swedish and Finnish. So for my Fellow Scandinavians, Welcome to the Bull..shit

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Way To Go Wednesday


When I think Wednesday, I think Christina Ricci. And i'm not going to lie, I think she's hot. Thoughts? Anyways, sorry for not posting yesterday; I had to go run around the Western Suburbs here getting estimates for car after that pleasant start to my Tuesday morning. I usually try to throw at least something up, so I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen again. Weekends, still a maybe thing. Anyways, let's move on to our first WTGW receipient:







Todd Helton. For the past 11 seasons, Helton has stayed tried and true to a franchise that I thought for sure would eventually collapse. While they're nowhere near historically bad as the D-Rays, they haven't had the type of success that say a Florida Marlins newer franchise has. Helton has had the opportunity to leave before to go a contender after the Rockies have been pretty bad year after year after year, but has stayed to be the face of the franchise. And for finally being rewarded with a trip to the World Series, Chicago Bull sends a Way To Go to Todd Helton, you're a champ!

Speaking of money and contracts, I swear that Drew Rosenhaus and Scott Boras have a competition for who can be the biggest jackoff agent around. I had a picture of Boras with A-Rod, but once again Blogger photo is in the toilet. Fuck him, he gets enough press as it as. Anyways, I love his explanation of much A-Rod is worth once he started breaking it down, only to have people fully analyze his basis and not come anywhere near the gaudy numbers he's throwing up in the air. So without further adieu, Way To Go, Scott Boras. You've just retaking the lead from Rosenhaus as a complete fucking tool and total jackass!

Happy 87th Anniversary, Chicago Bears!


It was on this day in 1920 that Papa Halas' then Decatur Staleys took the field against the Rock Island Independents. In true Bears fashion, the defense shut out the Independents 7-zip. The Staley's went on to a 5-1-2 record, only allowing 14 points all year. Take that, current Bears whippersnappers! It's also funny to note in those two ties, nobody scored. Talk about exciting. In 21', they became the Chicago Staley (Decatur sucks), and in 22' became the Bears you know today. Papa Bear coached the team for 40 seasons, piling up 318 wins, second only to Don Shula. To honor this great day, I've decided to throw up some of the greats in Bear History.

- Sid Luckman, QB: 1939-50'
Luckman is all-time passing leader in Bears' history with 14,686 yards. Luckman led the Bears to 4 NFL championships during his tenure, yet never threw for more 2,800 in a season. Of course, back then they only played 11 or 12 games in a season.

- Johnny Morris, WR: 1958-67'
I'd have a picture up for the rest of the players, but Blogger is a being a bitch so you'll just have to settle for quick descriptions. Morris is the all-time leader in receiving yards for Da Bears with 5,059, and also added 1,040 rushing. Morris' best year was in 64' when he had 93 receptions for 1,200 and 10 tds.

- Mike Ditka, TE: 1961-72'
Da coach played his first 6 seasons in a Bears uniform before going to play for Philadelaphia and Dallas. Ditka made 5 consecutive Pro Bowls starting his with his rookie year.

- Dick Butkus, LB: 1965-73'
. Butkus was nasty personified. The 8 time Pro Bowler and HOF member delivered some of the meanest hits in the NFL...ever.

- Gale Sayers, RB: 1965-71'
The Kansas Comet only played 7 seasons, with the first five being actually fully played. None the less, the 4 time Pro Bowler holds a special distinction with Butkus that has only happened once in NFL history: both players were drafted in the 1st round back to back, and both are in the Hall.

Walter Payton, RB: 1975-87'
I need not comment. Sweetness: 16,726 yards beats Luckman's career passing by a little over 2,000 yards.

- Mike Singletary, LB: 1981-92'
The Samurai will always be remembered for his wide eyes while waiting for the ball to snap. We're talking Cookie Monster big, here. Singletary made 10 consecutive Pro Bowls starting in 83' until his last season in 92'. He's currently a coach on the 49'ers staff.

Report: Swearing at Work is Good For You!


PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?! I heard the report this morning when I woke up on WBBM 780 that a study done by the University of East Anglia found swearing at work is a positive stress release, and creates better group morale. Fuck yeah, it is! Don't you find yourself at work letting go a simple "what a piece of shit" or "that Shirley is a complete dumbfuck" more relieving? I know I sure do. Let me give you an idea of my settings here. I'm on the 10th floor of building, in a set of good-sized cubes with my co-worker next door to me. While there are 6 cubes in all in our section, we're the only one here, and were tucked away in a corner.

Having to cold call is a complete bitch, and most of our leads are so beat up these people just lay in to us as soon as we tell them where were from, and I can't say I blame them considering how many times that happens. But never the less, having someone tell you to basically go fuck yourself several times does not a good day make. So in order to feel better about myself, me and my co-worker bash these pricks all day, thus making things go by a little easier.

So for all the shit you deal with all day, let out a good Fuck you, Steve or Linda, you money-hawking, loveless, beady-eyed Bitch. You'll feel better for it.

Greg Olsen is no Tom Clancy


More and more athletes are starting to get into blogging these days. Gilbert Arenas' blog is very popular around the blogosphere as he been doing his for NBA.com for a while now. Some other notable ones include Donovan McNabb, Baron Davis, and Greg Oden. Well, it just so happens that Bears rookie tight end Greg Olsen has one too. Once a week, Olsen gives you his hard-hitting, descriptive comments on 670thescore.com.Here's the latest illustrative insight from Olsen:

Beating an undefeated Green Bay Packer team was not only great entertainment for the Chicago fans, but it was great for the team morale. I feel like we were able to showcase our ability not only as an offense but also as a team. Although the first half we did not play up to par, as a team we pulled it together and showed the nation what the Bears are capable of. It was an unbelievable feeling to score my first NFL touchdown, drawing the score within 20-17. Guys on both sides of the ball played well resulting in a 27-20 win over the Packers at Lambeau Field.

Since we gained a lot of momentum in Sunday’s game versus the Packers, we are confident going into another NFC North division game against the Vikings.

We have been practicing hard and have some great plays in the game plan for Sunday. I hope to make some impact plays in front of my parents who are attending this game and a home crowd. The Vikings have multiple weapons, but we are optimistic that if we play similar to our second half against the Packers we will climb back to .500.


WOW. Greg, If you happen to read our site since your blog isn't listed too far from ours on 670, I have a request. GIVE US SOME REAL FUCKING INSIGHT! I could have made that shit up myself for you, or maybe someone did. If you're going to take the time to have a sponsored blog, at least make it worthwhile for that company. Here's some posting topics for you to consider which I as a fan would find interesting to hear about since we'll never truly get to experience what you do:

- How much shit talking do you hear on the field? What's the funniest thing you've heard said to you? Do you still get hazed at this point for being a rookie? Who's the biggest trash talker you've heard, or on the Bears?

- Tell your best football story. High School, The U, whatever. And it can't be getting drafted because that's like asking a father/mother what's their best day..unless your parents absolutely hate you, then it might be different.

- How about moving to Chicago and what you do on your downtime?

Anyone of these topics would make for a somewhat interesting read. I'm not saying you have throw out rediculous opinions like Curt "My viewpoint is better then yours" Schilling, but something. Anything. And if you would like our help, contact us at Chicagobullblogspot@gmail.com.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Don't Fuck with us


I'm bored, I don't have to go to work tomorrow morning (YES!), and I checked our inbox randomly to see what's going on. First off, I'm sure that if you read our site, you're well aware we consider this blog everything from Bulls to Bullshit, as our title reads. Personally, I think me and Noce need to include some more funny shit which pisses us off as people to make our site more to the title. That said, I just read a spam email which has led me to this topic. I'm sure plenty of you get those bullshit emails that go something like this: My name is Mr. Brown Walter, and I had an account with the man who was going to be the mayor of Baghdad, Mr. Muhammad Bin Kalah. This person has just been assassinated, and I would like to transfer the funds to you with your permission.

WOW! God, Allah, whatever Mr. Brown Walter hopes I believe in has really blessed me. I've just scored huge bucks by the grace of the almighty. I can't wait to cash in my new found riches and live the good life...Oh Wait, I got a college education and don't believe a word of this shit...in that case, FUCK OFF! Here's some thoughts I'd like to pass along after reading one of these LOTTERY emails which I didn't apply for:
1. Anyone who falls for this shit absolutely deserves it.
2. Anyone who thinks that I, Noce, or it's readers would fall for this deserves the following for it to happen in no particular order: Each toe cut off by papercuts, Battery acid on their genitals, each finger bit off by Warwick Davis, more std's then derek jeter, your face cut off and fed to a red-assed babboon, your eternal thoughts shrouded with Wynnona Judd's asshole, and in your mouth, taste the ass of Bill Belichick after a 12 Jalepeno slider's from White Castle.

In other words, I would like to send you cocksuckers an email. Chicago Bull has presented you a chance to go straight to hell. No collecting jail time, 50 dollars, anal warts or anything else you acculumate in international prison. The choice is your Mr. Brown Walter. Otherwise your so-called brown first name is going to be looking more like black and blue, with a whole of Battery Acid burns and Jeter STD's.

This Just In: Blackhawks Finally Don't Suck


While the Blackhawks are as popular in Chicago as Betty Loren-Maltese is in Cicero, I was very surprised at what I watched on Friday night. The Blackhawks don't suck. In fact, they handed Detroit their first loss of the season, and on the road no less. Now, whether you yourself are surprised to read that thinking either this can't be true or who the fuck actually watches hockey remains to be seen. But I'm intrigued by the fact that I might actually be watching more road games (Home games are still blacked out, thanks to the Wirtz family).

Rookies Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane are quick, and seem to have a good connection already, and veteran Robert Lang has already come through twice with game winning goals. While I bashed Andrei Zyuzin and Keyvn Adams (Still a douchey name with the Y) for being nobodies, they're actually pretty decent. While no one will still probably watch the Hawks anytime soon, I'm declaring my allegiance to make a consensus effort to pay attention now. So anyone who wants to jump on the bandwagon, please do so now. Because one day (I hope), I can call of you others out and say I was here first.

Having now officially started my own one man bandwagon, I will make this declaration. The Blackhawks will make the playoffs in 2008. This team is one year away. WHO'S WITH ME?! ANYBODY? Anybody? Buehler..Buehler?
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